-A Different Perspective-
A/N: Hello everyone, it's been quite some time since I've written anything for you all. I deeply apologize for my lack of work. But, I can certainly say that I've learned a lot about writing in these last two years, and I hope I've applied it in some way to this write. If it's hard for you to understand, try and picture this as an AU, if that helps you. Please keep in mind that this write strictly features homosexual pairings. This write took four hours and another hour in reviewing and editing. I hope that you will enjoy. Thank you, and please submit any feedback and critique at the end!
-Foxmur-
I never thought I'd miss the smell of fresh air so much. Before, I'd not taken the opportunity to really sniff the world's scent and enjoy what mother nature delivered. I guess I was probably too hooked on my goals to actually focus on sitting back and enjoying life for once. What freedom I had before wasn't long lived to say the least, so I can't say I feel like I've been deprived of something I deserve. If anything, I feel comfortable in my prison, and believe that everyone will be safe from me. The cold cement blocks are just as chilly as the wind that blows on the surface. However, I can certainly say that this has been the least appetizing food I've ever been succumbed to eating before.
How long was I free, anyways? A year? For as long as I can remember, I've lived in fear or under someone else's power. That year or so that I had in a retreat away from the torment was even more terrifying than before. I'd never battled with myself so violently before. I've never tried to escape from the alternate me. As I grew through those youthful years, I depended on him to show me friendship, protection and, towards maturity, love. Once the leash was released from my collar, we fell apart, and I realized what I could be afraid of more than my previous captor.
My intention after said jailor was relocated was to never leave and try to build who I really was. This quickly led to my other ego believing I was trying to erase him, and he began to hate me in the most horrifying of ways. Already, he was upset with me because I didn't agree with his desire to go after the king. He was vicious for revenge, and I never wanted to come in contact with Manny again. I was too afraid that, if I followed, he would make me his slave once again. My other ego didn't agree with my decisions, but he tried his best to have things go my way because I was in control of my body for most of my actions. As I started trying to forget King Manny and work on myself, he really began to hate me.
Nights are sometimes still filled with thoughts reminding me of our fights. When he was angry, he gained control of my body and hurt me. He didn't feel the pain. I did. I've been kept under surveillance since those indescribable penguins captured me in my other side's antics. They started me out with a straight jacket and many binds that had me hang from walls. I'm not sure if I want to thank them or hate them for the last month or two of my imprisonment. Of course, I believe this is one of the few breaths that remain in him that battle against me.
When I started out with him, I liked to call him my son, my brother and my father. I never really stuck to one, but I did switch between the three. In the middle of nights as our king slept, he would cry in guilt or fear for me. I called him my son for that since I would be there to tell him that I would one day get better and things would be safe. Other nights, I called him my brother because we both would talk of the few things we knew anything about and try to find joy in the world. Most nights, however, I called him my father because I was the one in tears, and he would be there to comfort me. I depended on him to be there for me, and that's why I became a nightmare.
The reliability on him became visible to our king, and at first he made fun of me for having an "imaginary friend." As the years went by, he disregarded his existence and excused me for being a lunatic that finally discovered my place in his kingdom. Being a habitat of two residents in an empty zoo in Central America, it was a very lonely and empty place, so he amazingly got ten years of my life in his fingertips until he was finally purchased by another zoo or released back into the wild, or so they say. I have little memories of being an infant, sadly. So little that I'm not sure if I was born across the Atlantic or if I was born here in captivity. Either or, I know that I was at least with parents once, but it wasn't long enough for me to remember their names nor their faces. But, they've had no importance to me in any way from what I can remember, so I've never been sad for being an orphan.
From what I can remember, I was alone in my habitat for some years until Manny did finally show up. I was seven and he was ten, I think. I tried to be his friend and show him around, but that day he showed up is when it all started. I was bossed around for a decade, and things only got worse until the last year that he was with me. I don't cry anymore when I think about it. Those nights where I sat under the gorgeous stars and sobbed my eyes out are long gone. If I've been free of Manny for over a year, then I know I'm finally safe, at least, from him. Of course, now my only threat is the other me.
As I said before, I looked to my other ego for love as I grew older. I fell in love with him, and I felt that we were destined to be. It wasn't long before that point that I actually visioned him in front of me. He was a mirror in ways, but I didn't notice it at the time. I thought he was beautiful in his own way, and he thought I was in mine. It's strange, because I'm losing memory of his body and voice. To someone else, he would look and sound exactly like me because, well, he's a copy of me. The only way he's different is that, after Manny disappeared, he grew violent and evil. He's the Clemson you know me as.
When I loved him and truly saw and heard him, I was mentally mated to him. Those nights that I couldn't sleep as I got older became short distance strolls under those stars and us singing lyricless tunes to each other in our heads. It became hard to keep it to ourselves as I especially grew so fond of him that I began to publicly announce my love to him in Manny's presence. I hugged, kissed and even tried to make love to him without regards to our king's notice, and at first he was very angry with me. I was severely punished for not remaining loyal in every which way to our king. I think he was jealous that I loved a mirage instead of him. You might think it's crazy to try and kiss someone who isn't there, but that's what I was. Easily, it's like kissing a ghost, if that makes any sense.
Over weeks, Manny decided to accept that this was who I was since about ten, and there was nothing he could do to change it. By this point it's probably important to say that I was a slave to our king in every way possible. Whether it switched between physical labor, ridiculous and tedious tasks, everyday chores and jobs, orders that nearly killed me, or even the strangest of them where he commanded me to act as his mate at times, which included giving him my body for every reason you could think of, Manny had full control over my life, and I was too afraid to defend myself. Punishments were verbal or brutal, but always abusive. Before the separation, this was all the burning fire of rage that built in my other side. But, neither of us did anything, and I was Manny's toy to break.
It's hard to think that there's little to tell about my decade long torture, but in reality it's very repetitive and depressing. It's easier to just sum up that I was beat, bossed around, raped, humiliated and driven to be crazy from him. But, I don't hate him. Never once have I hated him. I've never wanted to get revenge, switch places or give him some punishment for what he did to me. In all honesty, I just wanted to live in harmony with Manny so that the one person I could remember since my childhood wouldn't have to live on as a horrible monster that ruined my life. I wanted Manny to become my friend. I always did. But, he never gave me that chance, and now I just want to forget him.
But, as I said, the other me became hate, anger and revenge. He wanted desperately to be able to take over me so that I would go and make Manny suffer in the strongest of ways, but I somehow was able to hold him back. At that time, he listened to me and let me be in control. For a short week or two, I actually had control over my every action and did as I wanted. I just didn't realize that the more I was able to forget our old king, the more I started to murder my alter ego. This easily turned my once imaginary mate into my worst enemy, and my biggest fear. Part of me wants to believe that I unintentionally became Manny for those two weeks, but the other understands that I still tried to be a loving mate to my other side. It wasn't my fault, and I'm still sorry to this day for any of the harm that I might have caused him.
That was no excuse. Only a day or two after Manny's absence from the zoo did the other Clemson start to swing him into our smalltalk. He would ask me what I thought, where I believed he might be, and especially why I didn't want to go on a journey to find him and slowly destroy him like he did me. I tried paying it no mind. Soon, it became fights and threats as he argued that I wasn't thinking right and I was letting him get away with kidnapping, keeping me as a hostage and torturing me endlessly for ten years. He threatened to leave me if I didn't do as he ordered. I never gave in to his orders, but I begged him not to leave me, and he knew I was terrified of him disappearing and never coming back. I never had a friend, and I figured I wouldn't ever make one. I didn't want to lose him though, especially since he was my lover. He easily swung into the dominant role over me and became ever as abusive as Manny. Only, Manny was nowhere near as violent with physical force as him.
The times that Manny hurt me weren't anything compared to the other me. He was mostly words and some punches, kicks and bruises with few cuts. He even had a look on his face after doing it that seemed guilty for hurting me as I seemed so afraid. But, he would laugh it off to hide it. My other side, however, was nowhere remorseful nor merciful. The scariest part is that you're having a fight to the death with yourself, and it isn't with some addiction, it's your own mind. Quickly I started losing free will and he terrorized me into doing whatever he told me to do. I lived the ten years from Manny altogether in one under my other ego, and ten times worse than Manny.
I can't remember how many cuts I had across my body before the zookeepers finally kept me on close watch before I was shipped to the United States. The "close watch," however, was simply keeping me in a much smaller playpen that never really had anyone watching me; and if they were, the other Clemson knew to not do anything, or else they would suspect something. I don't know if his violence was worse, or the hourly evil chuckling that he did when they watched as well; as when I tried to sleep on my own, assuming he didn't force me to knock myself out or choke my air out before falling unconscious. I would beg for him to stop and try to remind him of the past and what we used to have, and he would only scream at me and demand of me to never speak of it again. He hated as well that, just with Manny, I wanted no revenge, and I only wished to make things right again.
Like my decade under Manny, my trap under my other ego is repetitive and depressing, and consists of nearly the same altercations, only more violent and life-threatening. Especially now, as I'm two months under guard from the penguins, I'm losing memory of both Manny and the other Clemson. I don't know if it's the medication they shot into me, the therapeutic treatment or my chance to explain to someone other than myself my past, but for the first time in my life I feel like things really are getting better. Not even the first day or two after Manny left felt "better" because I was still afraid that he might be playing some game and possibly be planning to come out and punish me again if I so tried to escape. I've never felt like I've had control before.
About four months ago is when they finally shipped us to the United States, because our zoo grew too poor to keep funding itself. Surprisingly, many investors wanted to have me despite my written up mental instability. We could have gone to Florida, California, Alabama and many other states. Even though I spoke mostly Spanish down south, I knew English as well, and surprisingly Manny taught me both. He'd once told me that he was raised in Texas in one of the few "conversations" that we had, so maybe that's why he knew both languages. Finally, however, we were shipped to New York City.
The entire time on the to and from ride in the crate, he was devising a plan, believing that we were headed where Manny was. I feared only that he was right, and that he would be able to take over my body and do what he planned to Manny. He really wanted to have Manny's crown. He wanted to be in control. He wanted to be the king. On and on, he switched between straight up killing Manny to beating him to death, breaking his limbs and cutting several messages into his flesh, burning him alive, along with dozens of other plans that only made me cry from fear that he would get that opportunity. As well, he demanded that, if we were to arrive to a zoo that Manny was not at, I was to go through every mean possible to claim rulership and take out his revenge on everyone he saw fit.
We arrived in the Central Park Zoo in New York City to three other lemurs: Maurice, Mort, and inconveniently our favorite, King Julien. From the looks on the other two's faces, they looked as if they didn't really mind the royalty all that much or they loved it. I thought that, maybe, this new king would be the chance to live a new, kinder Manny and bring the beauty back to the other me that once existed. Simultaneously, however, I sensed my other ego's intentions, and he ordered me to play along as much as I had to until I had the right moment to claim his crown.
Unlike the hard labor and harsh treatment of either Manny or the other Clemson, Julien was very soft and, while he did expect orders nearly as instant, he was very nice. I never heard him swear at me, and I never felt a harmful paw on my body. Even as his servant, Julien rapidly let me know that I was already his best friend, and I'd replaced Maurice as his right hand man. While I'd never been so happy in my life, I'd never been so terrified, either, because the plan was working more than perfectly for the other me. I tried not to notice him, though, as I was just too happy pleasing Julien. I spent the entire day with Julien and was somehow able to ignore the other Clemson. I started to understand who I really was, in a way.
The day started with Julien showing me around the habitat, as well as pointing out other ones in the zoo. He had an interesting and funny way describing things, and even though he did say what jobs I would be doing where, I was understanding to the fact that he still was a king, and I yet again was to be the servant. However, I didn't mind this at all. Again, I didn't and still don't want to be a ruler. I either want to see myself as a commoner happily making my leader happy, or having freedom without any rulership. I wouldn't say I'm more of a follower than a leader, but I just want to do jobs that would make someone very appreciative. I want something that won't be anything like Manny or the other Clemson.
The lemur habitat was about three times the size of my old home, and it amazed me how much room there was. Since this was a very rich zoo, they had dozens of things that I'd never seen before. I really wanted to live there. Julien started my day by showing me how to make smoothies and, even though I messed up, he still smiled at me and gave me as many chances as I needed to do it right. He helped me and truly wanted me to learn it the right way as easily as I could. When I finally got it right, he clapped and cheered at my good job and made me feel like I accomplished something for once. With that, he shared the blended fruits with me. I'd never tasted something so tasty before.
He started conversations with me, and his first question was where I came from. I struggled to speak about it, and he gave me a look saying that I didn't have to talk about it if I didn't want to. I'd never had a choice in my life before, even as simple as that. He quickly changed the subject to being about him, which it seemed he really enjoyed, and while it seemed a little egotistical now that I think about it, I'd never admired someone like I did him before. He told me tales of his adventures in Madagascar, and all about his royalty there. He explained his semi-daily parties and how everyone had the time of their lives. He spoke of the beautiful beaches and easily convinced me that the night sky was ten times as starry as it was back home. He said that people were happy there, and he would love to take me there one day.
I easily became putty in his paws as I wanted him to be worshiped as much as possible, as the fatter lemur seemed to despise him for a reason I haven't understood yet, and the smaller lemur hungrily went after Julien's feet. I can't say both I and the other Clemson didn't chuckle when he'd kick Mort miles over. Quickly, I let him walk on top of me, and he still did it was grace and care. He didn't want to hurt me at all. Already, I was falling in love. I pampered him by moving my fingers through his soft and well-groomed fur, and let him use me as a stool as well as provide him the most wonderful massages ever; which I knew was such because I loved it to pieces, too. I easily took back my first thoughts about Mort and his feet obsession, as I just adored Julien's body all over. He was sexy.
In the back of my head I could feel the other me both in strong successive anticipation as well as powerful anger and jealousy that I was both betraying him, but at the same time making his plan so possible to accomplish. At that time, all I could primarily think about was how cute and funny Julien was. I shivered as, every time he touched me, which was a lot, I was ticklish everywhere. Even though I was still supposed to be his loving subject, I definitely got closer than that, as I couldn't keep off of him or away. I would do anything he asked and I loved doing it, too.
The day played through, and it was more eventful than any other time in my life that I could remember. After he convinced Maurice to make us dinner, he dined me atop his throne as I sat in his lap and we shared the same meal together. I knew this was right because I could feel his love, too. We gazed in each other's eyes as we both munched into a mango and had our paws on top of one another's holding up the mango. I couldn't stop giggling every few moments as he chuckled right back at me. My heart was racing and up came the last bite of the fruit and he offered it to me. At that point is when I noticed we both purred to one another as I took such a slow time eating the mango; I absolutely loved his taste on it.
It seemed so fast; his paw gently grabbed my chin as mine grabbed his, and our eyes started to close as our faces got closer. My muzzle pressed to his and he caressed my body as I started to shed tears from my closed eyes. This was my true first kiss, and it sure did taste and feel magical. Unlike forced kisses from Manny or the imaginary ones with the other Clemson, this was true, happy and with my consent; if anything, I led the kiss. I could feel the intense rage coming from my other ego on the inside as it felt like he started hating Julien more than he did Manny. He always tried to make it seem to me that, once he started being violent, he was only doing the harm he caused me because he loved me. Once Julien kissed me, I finally knew true love, and I never wanted to experience the past again.
I felt his tongue pressing between my lips as I hugged his body and willingly submit to his actions. Everything raced as my body melted into him. His fingers were much more ticklish; they were warm and traced through my fur, to then proceed up my back and gently massage my neck, shoulders and behind my ears. I'd never purred necessarily until that day, and I sure did make it loud and noticeable. He tied his tail with mine and pulled me closer, making me feel his body heat and start to slightly sweat into his grasp from his deliciously romantic touch. Our tongues tied and I felt on fire, for once not from the other Clemson's rage.
The night is hard to vividly remember following the next few hours, but I know it in great detail. Julien gave me just as much dominance as he gave me submission, and as I got to feel his gentle wet lips on my body, I got to explore his with mine. It was the first moment where I agreed with my other side and wanted to have some control over something. At first, it started with kisses and licks along our lips. We almost paused to talk about what we just did, but I couldn't hold myself back as I started again with our procedure. We practically skipped together to find privacy as we held each other paw in paw. Once we were free from possible eyesight in a large patch of bushes, we went free and had any lack of decency. I still very proudly say that this is where I truly lost my virginity, and gave it to the rightful person. I found it hard to believe him, but Julien told me that this was his as well. I loved him even more for giving me it.
We started to fall asleep as I was in his arms and on top, cuddling to him for warmth. Just as I nearly passed out happily for the first time in my life, my past came back to me as the other Clemson mentally smacked me into remembering his existence. I tried to say something, but I don't even remember what happened after that, other than feeling very dizzy and weak as the last thing I saw was Julien's beautiful sleeping face and his crown being placed on my head. It still scares me because he wasn't wearing it when we made love, and I don't know how the other me got to it so quickly.
When I came to, I awoke in a crate and heard the sound of a truck moving. I wondered if it was a dream. I started calling and crying for Julien as I felt a moment more terrifying than any other. The other Clemson still spoke to me and I remember being shoved around the box and arguing back at him for once, and with the first bit of rage that I'd felt in my life. I screamed and tried to grab at him and choke him for taking my Julien away. He almost mocked me when he told me that he broke us up, and I was ready to kill him. I tried. It only resulted in being shoved back and forth in the crate. The last thing he told me before I went unconscious from the beating was that we were heading for the Hoboken Zoo, somewhere in New Jersey, and that I'd never see my precious Julien again. By that point, I'd lost any care in the world, and I gave him control of my body. He became the real Clemson.
We spent about a month in Hoboken and his dream of taking over the animals there was very short lived when a snake named Savio almost ate him alive. A bird by the name of Hans convinced the snake to let him free, and he planned to try to use Hans somehow to get power over the Hoboken zoo. That as well was short lived when it became obvious that the zoo was quite a dump, and certainly was no place fit for a king.
We experienced a minor incident where the zoo gained a new keeper and we, yet again, ended up in a prison of sorts, only this time with the previously mentioned Hans, Savio, as well as a few others. The penguins from the Central Park Zoo saved us, and that made me think for a slight moment about Julien. That only shoved me right back inside as he wouldn't give me back control.
Finally though, he was told by Hans that he was only a short distance away from New York City and that he'd conjured up a plan to help the other me to become king there. I was terrified if Julien was there because, while I'd missed him dearly, this time I wasn't in control, so this Clemson could do whatever he wanted to Julien. I don't remember very much of exactly everything that happened, but Hans showed him the way there, and my other ego went in and presented fake evidence that Julien was not born in Madagascar. I could tell on Julien's face that he missed me dearly, but from whatever this Clemson's caused him, all he wanted to do was forget me completely.
He and Julien went through the day in competition, and he was drastically beating Julien in each challenge or race. I had no control, and I couldn't save my Julien. At some point, he'd discovered that somehow the penguins were assisting Julien complete the trials they were battling through by using some sort of mind switching device of sorts. Easily, he learned to manipulate the counterattack against him, and still managed to beat Julien and nearly claimed the crown.
However, at a last moment's notice, something happened and time seemed to stop. I realized I had control again and that this Clemson wasn't speaking. It was almost as if he'd vanished. The strange helmets were still on I and Julien, and I grabbed onto his time frozen body and started to sob. I begged for him to forgive me and believe that this wasn't the real me. I pleaded that he would see through and somehow come to life and be with me. I hugged and kissed him for as long as time would give me. As I cried, I whispered that I was so very sorry for any harm that the other Clemson had caused, and that I would do anything and everything in the world to make it up to him. I told him that I loved him with all my heart, and that I never wanted to be apart from him again.
Everything went dizzy and black, and then I woke strapped to a chair in a dark and chilly room. A voice came from a tinted window of the room and the man presented himself as Kowalski. He explained that after Julien successfully convinced me to crown him as king instead of myself, Julien came to explain to him and his team that he'd been experiencing the same thoughts, emotions and feelings for the past day that started when he connected the brain drain device, as Kowalski called it, to the helmet that was on my head, and caused the other Clemson and him to switch bodies. By this point I realized I was well beaten and Kowalski explained I was nearly killed by two gorillas, and that he'd patched me up.
I was terribly confused, scared and sad, and only really told Kowalski that I missed Julien and that I was sorry for any harm that the other Clemson caused. Kowalski told me that, when Julien reconnected his mind to his and mine to mine, it caused a split between mine and the other Clemson's thoughts, and that I have regained control, but still have a large struggle with my other ego.
He finished by telling me that he didn't trust that I was two people in one and that he believed that I'm the other me and he's lying about loving Julien, but was told by Julien to give me a chance and that, regardless, I'd be getting locked in a prison for a long time until I'd either get cured from my other ego or make peace with it, or that I'd be locked forever for being a villain. Before passing back out, I only nodded and said that I understood.
Now, I look back at these last two or so months and reflect. Like I said, I've made a ton of progress and am theoretically 99% cured of him. It's been enough to convince Kowalski that my condition is true and I deserve to redeem myself. I daily ask him if I can see Julien, but he tells me that it's better safe than sorry. He almost convinced me to erase my memory to make this easier, since I don't exactly have anything worth remembering other than my only day with Julien. I declined the offer at the last minute when I decided that I would work through this as long as I'd have to for Julien to prove my love, and so that I wouldn't forget that one perfect moment I had in my life.
The first few weeks were horrible. At day, it was shock treatments and sob filled therapy sessions. At night, it was shouting matches with myself because I wasn't sure who I even was at that point. I got maybe two hours of sleep a night the first week or two. Kowalski would tell me about how Julien's doing and that he knew I was here and getting better. He would report Julien about what I talk about and let him know that I would be normal again one day for him. He wouldn't tell me anything that Julien would say, however.
Further weeks down, I was released from my straight jacket and only had to be handcuffed, which finally stopped with me being free to move my arms and legs without restraint. Some nights the other Clemson would break free and start thrashing around, but Kowalski was always there to stop him from hurting me. Even if the food they give me isn't tasty at all, he would at least provide me three meals a day. While I didn't get to talk to Julien, he did introduce me to his team and a woman named Marlene through voice. At first I was scared, but talking to them all made things easier for me. I was getting healthy.
He never broke free when I was in conversation with any of them. He only got out when I was alone with him. He never was really understandable after imprisonment; his voice became gibberish. I couldn't make out what he was telling me, but I could figure out that he was still angry and wanted to kill both Julien and Manny now. But, with help, I grew stronger and he started to disappear. I wouldn't say that he died, but he started to become me. I can accept that his courage and dominant role is becoming apart of me, but my other nervous, careful and submissive passion still exists as well.
My only problem is that I don't know who I really am. While I can juggle back and forth with what personalities and traits I do and don't have, that doesn't tell me who I really am. The only thing I care about anymore is being able to see Julien again and meet all of these nice people who've talked to me while I've been under surveillance here. I feel like, if I get the shot to prove it, I can learn who I want to be and show that I can coexist along these people and not destroy their lives in the process. My wish is that I can make up every second to Julien. I have no clue if he missed me or cared when the other Clemson hurt him however he did, but all I care for is telling Julien that I, with what little truth I know is the real me, love him with all my heart and that I want him happy.
I'm scared to be stuck here forever, but I just know that if I try hard enough, I can finally convince Kowalski to let me free and let me be with Julien. It's only a matter of time before I can finally be cured and be free, and I can't wait until then. But, then again, I can because I want to take as much time as I have to so I can be as perfect as I can for Julien.
While I've been here, I've especially thought a lot about Manny. Even if my memory is decaying of many moments for both him and the other Clemson, I've been thinking. No matter how much time I was under his rule, and even if he was mean and hurtful, I still want to give him that second chance. For all I know, he was two-minded like me and the other half just wanted to tell me he really wanted to be my friend, or something like that. Regardless, I just want to let go of what's happened and look forward with my life. Even if my childhood is lost, I still have such a long and beautiful life ahead of me if I take control of it. I just need other people and myself to look at it from a different perspective.
-FIN-