"Ok, make sure you get that out to the Secretary. Any word from Oversight?" Matty asked as she walked. Jenny and Alicia her two ever present assistance typed madly on their tablets.
"No, Ma'am." Matty ground her teeth. Of course not.
"Go ahead and call the team-" Matty stopped so suddenly the two women behind her almost tripped over her. Matty stared in the doorway of the war room surprised. She hadn't thought anything amiss when the light was still on, but she most definitely did think something was amiss about the blonde agent laying under a blanket on the couch.
"Get the briefing ready." She absently said over her shoulder. The two women turned and left quickly and silently. Matty frowned and stepped toward MacGyver.
"Mac?" She asked. Mac sat up smoothly and yawned. Matty wasn't fooled. She'd seen Mac wake up from actual sleep before and it was a more arduous and whiny proposition. Mac's look of bleariness and the flatness in his eyes, however, were genuine. Mac sniffed and stood turning to fold the blanket. Dallas Cowboys blanket. Matty sighed. Jack's, of course.
"Sorry, Matty. I was working in the lab and lost track of time." Mac was an agent with many talents, lying to friends was not one of them. She narrowed her eyes and studied Mac. He looked as neat and clean as ever, although his hair still floated in a bed head cloud, but he was paler than usual and his eyes were puffy and black circles sagged under the bottom eyelid. Worst of all, since Jack left she hadn't seen Mac smile. He was quiet and withdrawn. Matty sighed. Not unexpected, but what could they do short of bringing Jack back. Matty swallowed. She wished they could bring the Delta back to the fold. His absence hung over them like a black cloud.
Desi had proved herself to be a talented agent and very good at her job, but she resisted becoming part of their family. It didn't bother Matty, but she knew it was bothering her team, especially Mac. He was a professional agent so nothing got in the way of his ability to do his job, but he was withering apart in front of her eyes and there wasn't much she could do about it. Matty did not like that at all.
"Damn Mac, you got here already?" Bozer said as he and Riley breezed into the room. Mac turned and offered a low watt smile.
"You guys have a good time?" He asked. Matty saw it for what it was. Classic deflection. Bozer glanced at Riley, they saw it too.
"It was ok." Riley said looking at the floor.
"What! Is something wrong with Billy?" Mac asked taking a step forward. The other three shared a surprised look. That was a bit intense. Matty sighed getting the picture. Mac felt he had to take up Jack's job looking after Riley.
"No, everything is fine. Great really." The giggly smile that Riley always had when she thought of Billy slipped out as well as a light blush. Mac crossed his arms. His smile was a little more genuine. He glanced at Bozer.
"Me and Leann had a great time too, you should have come with us." Matty studied Mac's reaction. He rolled his eyes and turned away, but his shoulders slumped just a little. He felt like the fifth wheel. Matty's heart broke. No wonder he stayed here. Phoenix was always awake and working. With the others going out on dates, Mac would have been home alone. Matty was glad he'd come in instead of staying home and moping. The team turned to look up as Desi stepped in the room. She looked crankier than usual and that was saying something.
Matty knew her, of course. The intelligence field was small especially at the CIA. She knew vaguely the debt Desi owed Jack. She also knew that Desi would warm up to the team eventually. Who could resist them after all? And Matty knew why Desi kept her distance. It let her do her job effectively, objectively. Like all of them, Desi had lost people too plus the CIA did not encourage fraternization among its agents.
"Where we goin'?" Boze asked. Mac pulled out a paperclip and started working it. Matty sighed. If only the world could go quiet long enough to let them unwind. Of course, if it did that they'd all be out of jobs.
"Alright, people…"
Riley and Bozer watched Mac and shared worried looks. The blond had gotten beat up, like usual. When they had finished the mission, Desi had bandaged him and cared for his wounds. Mac sat through it all stoically. There had been none of the care or comforting Mac got from Jack. Desi worked efficiently and quickly. They couldn't fault her first aid. They were not impressed that Mac had gotten hurt under her watch, but they did know first hand how stubborn the blonde could be. Once finished, Mac nodded his thanks and Desi moved to the front of the plane, put on earphones and looked like she was asleep. Mac sat staring out the window holding his shirt in his hand.
"He hasn't moved for ten minutes." Bozer whispered to Riley.
"I know."
"This is bad."
"I know."
"We shouldn't have gone out last night and left him alone."
"I know."
"Will you stop saying 'I know'! I'm worried." Bozer snapped. Riley shot him a mild glare.
"So am I. I don't know what to do either."
"He hasn't been sleeping or eating and runs all the time-like all the time. He says he's fine, but…" Riley rubbed her face. Bozer felt a pang. Riley seemed to be handling Jack's leaving better than Mac, he almost forgot she was missing him too. He squeezed her shoulder.
"How are you doing?" Riley sniffed and for a second he could see the lost girl in her eyes.
"I'm pissed, hurt, sad...I don't know. It'll be better when Jack gets back."
"That's for sure, until then?"
"I'm ok, Mac...I'm worried." Bozer nodded. Both agents leaned back when Mac seemed to snap out of his reverie and put his shirt back on. He winced and rubbed his shoulder. Bozer took a breath.
"I'm going in." He whispered. Riley offered him a supportive smile.
Mac looked up as Bozer sat down. He sighed but managed a half watt smile.
"Hey, Boze. You and Riley done talking about me?" Boze faltered and shared a frantic look at Riley. Mac shook his head and leaned back. Bozer sat in the seat beside him.
"I'm fine, Boze. You don't need to worry about me."
"Yeah funny thing about that? We are. You aren't eating or sleeping-"
"Boze, I don't need a nanny!" Mac snapped. Boze raised his eyebrows.
"I know that, roomie, but you're kinda falling apart since Jack left." Mac looked at him his eyes full of hurt.
"I've been letting you guys down?" Mac's lower lip quivered and his eyes seemed to shine more. Bozer blinked surprised.
"What? NO! Why would you think that? You could never let us down." Mac sniffed and nodded. He didn't look reassured. Bozer had an A-HAH moment. Mac was afraid they would leave him. That they would drop him since Jack left. Crap. Boze reached out and put a hand on Mac's shoulder.
"We are worried about you...the way you feel, if we can help you-not about how you're doing at work or what you're doing for the team. You're our family, Mac and we know you're hurting."
"We all are." Mac said softly turning away.
"Yeah, it's hard when someone you love leaves." Mac nodded and swallowed, "But Mac-"
"I'm tired. It's been a long day." Mac interrupted. He turned away and leaned his head on the window closing his eyes. Bozer huffed with frustration. There was only one Mac-whisperer and he wasn't here. Bozer stood up and pulled a pillow and blanket from the overhead bin. He handed them to Mac. Mac took them without moving and snuggled in for sleeping.
"Thanks, Boze." Mac's voice was small. It reminded Boze of Mac when he was first a kid in the Bozer household, over worried about doing something wrong and being put out again. What could they do to reassure him? For a second, Bozer thought of pulling Mac closer and brushing his fingers through Mac's hair, like he'd seen Jack do billions of times, but his and Mac's relationship wasn't like that. It would be too awkward and uncomfortable for both of them. Boze returned to Riley.
"He seriously thinks he's letting us down?" Riley's eyes moistened as she watched Mac twitch in his sleep. Boze ran his hand through his hair.
"I don't know what to do...do you think his father-"
"Oh he knows." Riley's eyes narrowed and Bozer could feel waves of anger flow out of her. Bozer raised an eyebrow. Evidently Mac isn't the only one who felt the need to fill Jack's shoes. Riley slowly relaxed.
"He knows, Boze. I'm not sure what he'd doing, but it isn't worrying about his son's feelings, trust me on that."
"I thought they were working things out."
"There's working and then there's working." Riley crossed her arms.
"They may both be geniuses but they have the emotional communication skills of a stump." Bozer agreed. Riley shot him an amused smile. Bozer grinned back. His grin vanished when he glanced over at Mac who was squirming in his sleep.
"At least when they're awake." Bozer added. He got up and sat beside Mac holding his hand and murmuring softly to his friend.
Riley watched the pair her heart breaking for them. She missed Jack as much as they did. She was once again that girl watching her shining knight drive away without looking back, as if she didn't matter, as if he couldn't wait to get away from them. Riley had sat with her mom when she cried over the loss. Riley had no idea how to make her father smile the way she smiled at Jack. It had been the first time Diane had smiled, not on her face, but in her eyes. There had been a spark. Hell, there was still that spark. Riley hoped it wouldn't dim while they all waited for Jack to kick ass then come home. Riley refused to think anything else was going to happen.
Riley felt that same helplessness now. Mac was awake now. Bozer sat silently at his side holding his hand, but he might just as well been hanging on to the wing outside. Mac wouldn't let them in, wouldn't let them catch him. Wouldn't trust them. Riley regretted her and Bozer leaving him alone last night. It had been so nice to see Billy, to have someone comfort her and just her. She knew Bozer felt the same way about Leanna, but who did Mac have? Riley fidgeted uncomfortably in her seat. They had tried to get him to go with one or the other of them, but he refused. He said two's company and three's a crowd. He wasn't wrong. It still broke her heart.
Riley got it. Out of everybody on the team, she understood the best. She knew that shock, pain and fear. It was like having an arm amputated then be expected to play quarterback in the NFL the next day. Jack was part of Mac. No one could take that place, but how to fill that hole? Riley bit her lip and looked out at the rolling sea of white fluffy clouds floating in a perfect blue sea.
The best thing would be a call or better video chat, but the Delta's location was classified. They could only wait until he called them or they could compromise his safety or the mission. It sucked. The longer the gap between calls, the worse everyone felt. The worry was a constant weight on their shoulders.
So what else? Riley thought about last night. Mac had looked more ragged than usual during the briefing. He'd slept there. He'd worn the same clothes as the day before and they all had noticed the Dallas Cowboys blanket. The snuggie was in storage with the rest of Jack's stuff. Riley wished she'd thought of grabbing it when they went to pick up Jack's video collection. It had been like picking through stuff after a funeral. None of them had wanted to stay in the empty apartment or touch Jack's things. It felt like Jack would be erased if his stuff was gone.
Riley smiled. Mac did rescue Telly Savalas. Bozer took home Jack's die hard collection as he promised. Riley took Jack's treasure box. She'd tried to give Mac Jack's father's dog tags to hold onto, but Mac had gone three shades pale and walked out to the car without a word. Riley understood. The team needed something to help them come together again, something...Riley grinned. She knew exactly what Jack would do.
Mac sat staring into the fire. He didn't feel anything. Hollow, cold maybe. It hurt so much his partner, friend, brother, and ad hoc helicopter father wasn't there. Mac didn't think it had hurt this much when his father had left. Mac sipped his beer. Was he really surprised Jack left him? He replayed every word Jack said to him in their goodbye and everything Jack didn't have to say. He listened and it hurt. He couldn't get past the feeling he had broken the tight bond when he'd gone to Nigeria and didn't answer Jack's calls-a totally dick move.
Mac rubbed his eyes. He'd gotten a call from Nasha yesterday. She'd met another guy and was moving on. Mac felt a little relief, at least he hadn't ruined her life too. He missed her and it hurt, but it was a tiny drop in the tsunami that was loosing Jack. Mac took another sip and was surprised to find it was empty. He set it down. He wasn't really thirsty anyway. Or hungry. Or anything-maybe lonely.
A tight cramp ripped through his chest. He sat up and curled forward closing his eyes, refusing to give into the tears. Ok, definitely lonely. He closed his eyes trying to imagine the familiar smell, the soft lullaby of Jack's heart, the comforting calloused hand, the warmth and comfort. The safety. He sighed. It hurt too much. He stood up his joints creaking as he stretched. He winced and rubbed his sore abdomen.
Desi did a great job fixing him up and without Jack there to herd him, he'd escaped medical all together. Didn't mean he didn't hurt from head to foot though. Mac ambled into the house to get another beer. He took a step into the dining room and…
"SURPRISE!" Mac jumped a step back, his heart pounding. He gaped at the crowd in his living room and all around him.
"Wh-what's all this?" He managed to squeak. He took another step back as if to run away. Riley and Bozer flanked him and pulled him into the room. Mac smiled at all of the Phoenix family surrounding him. By some silent cue, they parted and Matty stepped through them like Moses at the Red Sea. She held a cake full of candles.
"We knew you needed cheering up, Blondy." Matty said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Mac itched his nose, surreptitiously wiping the small puddle of tears forming there. Matty slid the cake onto the table in front of Mac. It was homemade, and not by Bozer. Mac looked up confused. Matty smiled and tilted her head. Mac followed her gaze to a shadow standing alone by the door. Desi rolled her eyes and crossed to the front door. Before stepping out, she shot Mac a smile and raised a beer to him. Mac took a step after her to pull her back in, to make her part of the celebration.
Riley and Bozer held him in place.
"She said Jack had told her to take care of you." Matty pointed at the cake. Mac smiled. He could feel the heat from the candles. It seemed to melt something inside him. Desi wasn't Jack. And could never be, but maybe they could grow something between them more than polite necessity.
"You gonna blow out those candles?" Bozer said at his elbow. Mac jumped.
"Uh-yeah." He leaned down. Matty held up a hand.
"You have to make a wish, Mac." Matty said. Her eyes were soft, motherly. Mac smiled and closed his eyes. He thought of Jack and the fun times they had, and would have. Please come home. Mac felt a little dizzy when he finally got all of the candles out. Everyone cheered. Mac smiled feeling something inside loosen.
"Here cut that ol' doggy up!" Riley said in a deep bad Texan accent. Everyone stared at her in surprise then burst out laughing. Mac cut into the cake. It was marble cake with lemon frosting-his favorite.
"I hope it tastes better than it looks." Bozer said as he handed cut pieces around the gathering.
"It has to." Riley said nudging him. Bozer laughed.
"No one can cook like you, Bozer." Matty offered as she took a plate.
"Well, Mac is getting better at baking." Mac hummed in content at the taste of the cake.
"Maybe, Boze, but not this good. This is perfect." Mac grinned with frosting lingering on his lips.
"Well, it's ok...I suppose." Bozer said with an exaggerated pout. Everyone laughed. After the cake, came snacks and finger foods. Mac thought he was going to burst. He felt warm and comfortable as music played and they danced or played games. Mac turned a beet red when Bozer pulled out a pin the tail on the donkey game, and everyone found out how much he sucked at it. They didn't stop teasing him all night. It was perfect.
As the night drew to a close, all of Phoenix gathered and held flutes of champagne. Mac stared into it's bubbly depths then met the eye of everyone circling him. He smiled. Jack was with them as sure as he was standing among them. He could see Jack smiling and raising his beer (he hated champagne) yelling for speech. Mac was glad no one else did that. Mac realized that Jack wouldn't want Mac to keep moping. Mac sighed. He could feel the hole. He would feel the hole until Jack was back at his side, but in the meantime there was a circle around him that would catch him when he fell and hold him up when he couldn't stand. Mac realized everyone was waiting on him. He licked his lips and raised the glass.
"To family."
"To family." Everyone enthusiastically echoed.
"And Jack." Matty added.
"And Jack, of course." Mac said sharing a secret smile at Matty. Again everyone echoed,
"And Jack, of course." Mac laughed when all the guests added in the 'of course.' Somehow it comforted him to think everyone missed the man, maybe not as much as he did, but Phoenix was definitely hurting over the loss of one of their own. Please come home. Mac sniffed and nodded rejoining his family as they moved out to the deck and started swapping stories about their missing member. Mac, of course, had the best stories to tell. He could almost see the fake glare and promise of revenge as he spilled the beans on their best adventures. The quieter times, the hours of comfort, the humor, the adventure, the love...well that he held for himself, until Jack came back and he had the real thing.