A/N: Finally! Something worth posting! I got this idea while trying to find a way to connect CASTLEFUCKIN'VANIA with Soul Reaver. (I got the clever name from that time the minibosses performed at 'the smell' and one fan shouted out 'castlefuckin'vania', so i'll refer to it as that from now on. It makes it just that more awesome.) Anyway, It's time for your daily dose of WTF-ness.

A/N EDIT: Okay, I really didn't like this chapter, and I recently found my sense of humor (it was hiding along with half a marble, and a dried up 'last' nerve.) So, it's now editing time! I'm probably going to end up in an entirely different direction, so pretty soon the next chapter will be replaced by something completely different.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything here, it all belongs to a retarded bunny named Bertram. *nods stupidly*

________________________

"Do you agree to the terms?" Death held out the parchment menacingly...well, as menacingly one can be while holding partchment. Vlad nodded and reached for his pocket knife.

"What are you doing?" Death asked, just as he was about to slice his wrist.

"I thought it had to be signed in blood."

"Where did you get that idea? You don't have any blood! You're dead! Here, just use ink."

The contract was signed, although when Vlad accidentally knocked over the ink bottle, it blotted out the part where he was allowed to keep a harem.

Death read off the remaining terms.

"Right, so you get to come back as an immortal vampire, raise the dead and creatures of the underworld as your minions, and when someone kills you, your castle and everyone in it comes back every one hundred years, unless otherwise ressurected by insane people. *ahem* (and I also have to be your last defence should someone come to kill you). You on the other hand, have to kill people so that I can have my supply of souls. Deal?"

"Sweet. I think I can live with that."

"Good. Now get out of here and start murdering." Death smacked him across the face with a sacraficial rubber chicken, thus turning him into a vampire, and kicked him ass first into the portal to the mortal plane.

Death shuffled back to his desk and started sifting through papers. "It won't be long untill that anal-dwelling butt monkey establishes an empire. Who in the hell to I get to take over this place while i'm gone? *mumbles* That's what I get for taking jobs in other dimensions..."

Un-able to find his address book of inter-dimensional soul shifters, he slumped down in his favorite chair (designed by H.R Giger, The Aliens guy), and contemplated what to do next. Ripping off a piece of flesh from a 'dead' minion which was somehow near his chair, he dropped it into the fish tank next to him, watching as his pet squid/tentacle monster Zeev devoured it. That one time when that jerk-hole Yivo decided to bugger earth, a giant squid somehow got pregnant, pressed charges, and won. Yivo dumped the kid on him, so now it was his pet.

It was just getting old enough to talk, and often muttered to itself. It was mostly nonsense, apart from the occaisional intelligable word.

"Y'know what?" He mused, pondering the squid. "I bet you could run this place. They always say that people with power should get five-year old minions to point out glaring mistakes in thier plans. Having a five-year old in charge should be completely flawless."

He reached a skeletal hand into the tank, and scooped up the little monster. He plopped it into one of the many chutes used to sort souls, shouting down to his minions for a special treatment.

"HEY! Accelerate this little squid thingy's growth! And make em' at least half-way intelligent! I don't want em' growing up to be an idiot! Send him back up when you're done!"

The imps gave eachother knowing looks, before miscevious smiles spread across thier faces. One got slappped in the face with the squid.

"AND DON'T TRY ANYTHING FUNNY! I don't want to see another peanutbutter monster as long as i'm dead!"

They all sighed, and attempted to pry the squid from thier co-worker's face.

-------------a few hours later---------------

"So, that's it?"

"Yep."

"Awesome! Although, this god-like power is pretty cool and all, but how can anybody fear me with a name like Zeev?" The young squid was looking over his job description.

"Nobody's supposed to know you're there. Just leave it to thier imaginations. But yeah, I can't have you going around with my name. Let's see, something epic, implies power..." Death went back to shuffling papers. "Ah, here we go. 'Elder God' hasn't been taken yet."

"I was thinking something more like 'RammallamaGod O' DingDong'! Maybe I can ask the Almighty Cheese Llama if I can use his name, or 'Snufflebutt'." He kept on rattling off names.

"'Elder God' it is then..." Death sighed, and filled out the paperwork for new employer of souls.

"Wait here, I'll be right back." Death went through the portal to the mortal plane.

He appeared in what seemed to be a forest. "AH! DEATH! Don't take my soul! I swear i'll stop raping squirells!" A human cowered at his feet.

"What? Squirells? Oh, that's just sick dude!"

The human winced. "Well, I...I have thing for rodents!"

"Ugh. Look, just tell every one you don't need to fear me."

The human stopped cowering. "Wait, does this mean that I can't die?"

"No, fool, you can still die. It's just that your soul will be collected by a squid."

"A squid?"

"You'll know what I mean soon enough. In fact, you'll see in about..." Death looked at his watch. "Five minutes? Maybe less?"

"Wait, what do you mean?"

"Hey, i'd love to stay and chat, but I have to go and... do...stuff. See ya!" And with that, Death banged his staff on the ground and dissapeared with a dull 'pooofing' noise.

The human, which we'll call Walter for the sake of convienience, shrugged, and went on his way to look for more squirells to...ehrm...traumatize. Unfortunately for him, an appprentice of a soceress was trying to hypnotize small animals. The spell went horribly wrong, and an entire pack of squirells were affected.

It didn't go to well for Walter.

-------------------------

Death walked back into his office to find Zeev messing with a few of the souls, snatching them out of the air and stuffing them into...something.

"What are you doing?"

"I don't know. I think i'll call it, 'The Wheel Of fate'. I use the random souls floating around here to make it. It's a new sorting system i'm trying out."

Death walked over and inspected it. "So, you operate the whole thing by yourself? No minions or anything?"

"Nope."

"Wait, there are thousands of souls that go through here every minute! How the hell can you handle that?"

Zeev glared at him with one of his many eyes. "Hello? Squid? And I can grow more arms if I need them. DUR!" He accentuated his point with two more tentacles bursting from his side, one of them purpousfully bopping Death in the back of the head.

"Wait a second." Death plucked one of the glowing orbs from the swirling mass. "Don't use this one. This is the soul of Elvis Presley. He's too cool for this dimension."

Death's cell phone started ringing to "penguin attack".

"I'm Death, who the hell are you, and how in the seven hells did you get my number. Oh- Already? *mumbles*(damn these time shifts) Right. Yeah. Uh huh. Sure, I'll be there in a bit. What? Oh, yeah, i'll bring them along too. See ya." He snapped his phone shut.

"Look, I have to go. Don't give anybody any of my stuff, and don't go to the mortal plane unless you absolutely have to. I'll be back to visit in a bit. Good luck."

Death took his scythe, scooped up the Soul Of Elvis The Great, And poofed himself to an alternate universe.

Zeev shrugged, and continued stuffing souls into his wheel. One of them was really hard to catch, and kept on spewing nonsense about tree raping squirells.

___________________

A/N: Right. Next chapter coming soon, provided people can stop being the bad kind of crazy for more than five minutes.