Author: Nadz
Disclaimer: I do not own anything.
Teknoman (USA Version) on The Jerry Springer Show: Confessions
The Jerry Springer logo appears and fades away from the screen. The audience cheers madly as the ever so popular talk show host emerges from backstage and ambles onto the set. Nodding "thank-you" with his head, he tries to quell the audience's rowdy cheers. The people soon simmer down.
Round 1 – Radam Risque
Jerry:
Thank you, and welcome to the Jerry
Springer show. Today's topic is "Confessions," and our
first guest on the show is a young woman named Katherine. Let's
give Katherine a big round of applause for being here.
(Audience applauds the sexy young woman sitting cross-legged in her seat.)
Katherine:
Hi, Jerry. I'm glad you
let me be on this show.
Jerry:
Hello, dear. I'm glad you want
to share with us whatever you, you know, have to say. So, why
did you come on this show?
Katherine:
I've been seeing my boyfriend
for over two years now, and I've come on the show to tell him
something pretty important.
Jerry:
I see, and so what would you like to
tell him?
Katherine:
I want to let him know that I
haven't been entirely… faithful.
(Audience roars)
Jerry:
Oh, my. Do you think he knows
about this?
Katherine:
No, I don't think so.
Jerry:
He will soon. Why don't we
bring your boyfriend Darkon out here right now?
(Audience cheers as Darkon, in full Tekkaman armor, emerges from backstage, walks in, and sits down.)
Jerry:
Hello Darkon, welcome to the show.
How are you?
Darkon:
Well, a little busy you know… with
trying to conquer Earth and all…
Jerry:
I can imagine. When do you think
you'll be done?
Darkon:
It is only a matter of time now.
The cosmic tide is soon to turn… And when I descend upon the Earth,
darkness will unfurl its banner—
Jerry:
Darkon, you already are on
Earth.
(Audience laughs. Darkon snorts.)
Jerry:
In any case, do you know why you're
on the show?
Darkon:
No.
(He turns towards Katherine and holds her hand. Audience sits silently but anxiously.)
Jerry:
Your girlfriend has something to say
to you. Katherine…
(Katherine looks at her Tekkaman Warlord boyfriend in the eyes.)
Katherine:
Conrad, you know how much I love
you…
Darkon:
Yes, my delicious yogurt-covered
raisin… you don't have to be afraid…
Katherine:
Well, I want to let you know that
I've been doing some missions behind your back…
Darkon:
What do you mean? I don't
understand.
Katherine:
For the past month, I've been
doing it missionary-style with Saber.
Darkon:
WHAT!!
(Darkon lets go of her hand and bolts out of his chair. He leans his face into hers.)
Jerry:
Oh dear.
Darkon:
How could you do that to me!
What were you f-beep-ing thinking!
(Katherine stands up and faces Darkon. Audience is now going nuts.)
Katherine:
What did you expect, you sorry
-beep-hole!
Darkon:
After all I've done for you!
I support you!
Katherine:
WHAT? You don't do s---!
You just sit around all day on your lazy ass feeding on those vines
connected to you while spewing more of that cosmic bullshit!
You don't do anything!
Darkon:
I can't help it! But I assure
you one day, darkness will—
Katherine:
You don't even know how
to please a lady! I ask you for some pleasure, and all you can
say is, "You must kill Slade." The other night, I brought
you a tasty dinner, but did you say, "Thank you?" … Noooo…
you asked, "Did you kill Slade yet?"… "Is Slade dead yet?"…
"When are you going to kill Slade?"
Darkon:
He is a traitor!
Katherine:
So what! He's not
interfering in our relationship! That's why I went to Saber.
He doesn't give excuses. He gives me what I want!
(Katherine and Darkon continue screaming in each other's faces at this point.)
Jerry:
Ok, you two, enough of your drama, so
glue your butts to your chairs.
Audience:
Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Jerry:
Audience, how would you like to meet
Saber? Let's bring him out!
(Audience roars as they stand up. Saber walks calmly into the room, and Darkon lunges for him. The two Teknomen are about to smash into each other when Steve and the rest of the security personnel come in between, pulling the two warriors apart.)
Darkon:
You accursed bastard! You're
screwing my wife!
Saber:
She isn't your wife, moron.
You were only engaged!
Darkon:
You lousy traitor, stealing her from
me!
Saber:
I didn't steal anything from you…
she wanted a taste of my hot body. But if you want a piece of
me, then come here, and I'll beat you down with my fists like
you've never—
(Darkon lunges again towards Saber, throwing fists at his younger brother. He is unsuccessful, for Steve manages to hold the two away from each other.)
Audience:
Steve! Steve! Steve!
Steve! Steve! Steve!
(Audience yells this while standing on their feet, pumping their fists into the air.)
Jerry:
Ok, you two settle down.
(Darkon plops furiously into his chair, not watching while Katherine gets up and plants a big kiss on Saber's facemask. The people in the audience cover their mouths as they holler and scream. Katherine sits down, and Saber sits in the chair next to her, moving his chair very close to hers. A very upset Darkon stares at the ground.)
Darkon:
I thought you loved me, kitten.
Katherine:
I do love you, but you simply
don't give me what I want.
Darkon:
How dare you say that! How dare
you say you love me?
Saber:
Hey, back off, lard-ass! She's
with me now!
(Audience boos. Saber stands up and faces the audience.)
Saber:
What? Whadd'ya want to say to
me? Huh? I got some, and you didn't!
Audience:
Sit down! Sit down! Sit
down! Sit down! Sit down!
Saber:
I know you want a piece of this!
I know you ladies out there want to get with me!
Audience:
Loser! Loser! Loser!
Loser! Loser!
(Saber gives them a rude gesture before sitting back down in his seat.)
Jerry:
So, Saber, tell me, how did this get
started between you and Katherine?
Saber:
Well, it's like this, Jerry.
Shortly after my little sister decided to blow herself to bits,
Katherine's birthday came up. That night, she was looking for
some…
Katherine:
He's right. We Teknomen
haven't done it in months…
Jerry:
Man oh mercy.
Saber:
Well, she went up to ol' Darkon over
there, but all he could think about was killing my twin brother
Slade.
Jerry:
And so she came to you?
Saber:
Exactly. She started telling me
how Darkon doesn't pay any attention to her and this and that.
Jerry:
Let me guess… And before you knew
it, you two were doing the wild thing?
(Audience laughs.)
Saber:
That's right, Jerry. I know
how to take care of a woman.
(He leans over and kisses Katherine. Darkon fumes.)
Jerry:
Darkon, you've been quiet for a
while. What do you want to say about this?
Darkon:
Katherine… I loved you very much,
and you broke my heart. I thought it would be romantic to
conquer Earth together, side by side, hand in hand. But while I
was working so hard, you betrayed me and went to my brother.
Jerry:
Would you take her back if she
repents, Darkon?
Darkon:
Not a chance in hell. I'm
through with that slut!
Audience:
Yeah! Slut! Slut!
Slut! Slut!
Jerry:
Katherine, what do you have to say to
that?
Katherine:
I don't care, Darkon, you big
oaf! I've got Saber now, and he'll respect me for the queen
I am!
Jerry:
And, Saber, will you treat her as well
as she thinks you will?
Saber:
You bet, Jerry. I'm a
faithful, one-woman man.
(He touches Katherine's hand, and she smiles sweetly at him.)
Jerry:
I don't know about that. From
what I understand, you're seeing somebody else as well.
(Audience roars. Katherine pulls her hand away, and her mouth is open in shock.)
Saber:
Well, I mean… uh… um…
Jerry:
Let's bring out your significant
other. Come out, Gunnar!
(Audience goes insane upon seeing the bluish-green Teknoman strut out from backstage. He smiles at them, and Saber's face turns bright red. He knows he's in boiling water now. Gunnar sits down in a chair next to Saber and holds his hand. Katherine's face contorts in anger. She looks to the floor, deeply hurt.)
Katherine:
Oh my god, I can't believe you.
(Jerry waits as the audience simmers down.)
Jerry:
Welcome to the show, Gunnar.
Gunnar:
I'm glad to be here, Jerry.
Jerry:
Do you know why you're on the show?
Gunnar:
Not a clue, but I have seen your show
before, so anything's possible…
Jerry:
That's true. Saber, why don't
you lay it down for your man?
Saber:
Gunnar, you know we've been seeing
each other for a short while…
Gunnar:
Of course, I mean, how could I not
remember?
Saber:
There is something important I must
confess to you, something really important. Do you know how
much you mean to me, Gunnar?
Gunnar:
Oh, sugar-buns, please do tell.
Saber:
I want to let you know… that you
don't mean jack s--t, 'cause I've been sleeping with your
cousin Katherine behind your back!
(Audience screams as Gunnar bolts up out of his chair.)
Gunnar:
How could you do that to me! I
provided you with companionship! I thought you loved me!
Saber:
Hell no, I never loved you! I
just used you to get closer to your cousin!
(Katherine looks up in wonder, realizing that Saber was true to her after all.)
Gunnar:
Oh my god! Oh my god!
Katherine, how could you stab me in the back!
Katherine:
Get the hell away from my man!
(Katherine gets up to face Gunnar, and Saber tries to interfere. Gunnar pushes Saber into Katherine, knocking them both down. Steve and his crew quickly scramble in the middle, restoring order to the impending chaos. Gunnar fumes as he sits down. Darkon watches it all with a newfound interest.)
Jerry:
Ok now, let's calm down and settle
this like adults.
Darkon:
We share a common fate, Gunnar.
It appears the tide of darkness has turned against us both, and soon—
Jerry:
Thanks, Darkon, but I didn't ask for
your opinion.
Gunnar:
You two-timing male slut.
Audience:
Male slut! Male slut!
Male slut! Male slut!
Jerry:
Saber, how long had you and Gunnar
been seeing each other?
Saber:
Oh, for about two months.
Jerry:
So, you've been seeing Gunnar just
for a month before you started sleeping with Katherine.
Saber:
That is correct.
Jerry:
Has there been any sort of… um,
physical… contact between you and Gunnar?
Saber:
No, none whatsoever; I told him that I
like to take relationships real slow.
Jerry:
Uh, huh… just as slow as you're
taking it with Katherine?
(Audience snickers.)
Gunnar (holding his head in his hands):
I
thought you loved me, Cain. I thought we had something special
between us…
Saber:
The only thing special between us was
Katherine. Gunnar, I just used your ass…
Jerry:
I'm sure you did…
(Audience laughs, and Saber is taken aback.)
Saber:
You know it isn't like that, Jerry.
I simply used Gunnar to get closer to her; he was just too stupid to
realize it. Our relationship was a secret one, so none of the
others realized that a fake relationship – at least fake from my
side – was going on between Gunnar and me. That's why
Katherine came to me, because she knew that I was a friend to her
cousin.
Jerry:
So, Saber, does this mean you're not
attracted to men?
Saber:
Correct, Jerry, I am attracted only to
women.
Jerry:
So, you're going to leave Gunnar
hanging like that? His heart is broken…
Saber:
Yes, and his face will be broken if he
bothers me again!
(Audience boos and shouts insults at him.)
Jerry:
So, what are you going to do now?
(Audience howls as Saber gets up from his seat and kneels down on one knee before Katherine, who turns towards him with an ecstatic look. He pulls out a small box and opens it, revealing a beautiful diamond ring that he had recently stolen from some woman on Earth.)
Gunnar:
I won't let you!
(Gunnar and Darkon both jump up from their chairs, ready to attack Saber and Katherine.)
Audience:
Kick his ass! Kick his ass!
(However, the two are excellently thwarted by the wonderful Steve and his security team. Jerry signals for the audience to simmer down.)
Katherine:
Oh, Cain…
Saber:
Katherine, my jug of love, will you
marry me?
Katherine:
Oh, of course, Saber, I will.
(Katherine accepts the ring, and Saber de-transforms. The two begin smooching on stage, and Darkon and Gunnar look on dejectedly. The audience stands up in applause, and Jerry wipes a tear from his eye.)
Jerry:
What a joyous moment. We're
going to take a commercial break now, but stay with us! We have
some confessions that yet have to be made…
More confessions to come in Round Two!