If someone had told me years ago that we would end up like this, I would have hexed them on the spot for even suggesting it. Indeed, it never crossed my mind that she would die, leaving me all alone for the second time, this time, permanently.
Lily Evans held my heart from the time we were children, waiting to receive our acceptances to Hogwarts. As a boy, I did not understand such feelings as love, jealousy, and pain. I was immune, I thought, by default. My parents had never shown me what love was. Never told me. I knew only what Lily taught me, what she gave me. Who would have thought she would take it away as well?
James Potter was the reason, I said. I needed someone to blame for the pain I felt inside me, an outlet for my anger that he would abandon me and break her promise to never leave me. James took her. James forced her to crush my heart into a thousand pieces. James, James, James. It was all his fault.
But maybe it was me. I pushed her away when I needed her most, too insecure to tell her how I felt or what she meant to me. I called her that filthy name in my frustration over the fact that she could never be mine. Why? Why did I do that? She was never meant to suffer, was she?
Too many questions. Not a single answer.
The mirror of Erised shows us together, her hand in mine as we gaze upon Harry, our son. Mine. Both of them are mine. Harry Snape and Lily Snape. If only it were true! Would it have changed anything? Would she still be alive or would we both be dead? Would I still be looking at this useless stone, carved with your name and his? Would I still be laying flowers on the site where your body rests in the cold hard ground?
One word. One word changed our lives forever. Three syllables that tore us apart forever. If I could take it back, I would. But I can't.
So here I stand, engulfed in shadows both physical and mental. I stare down at the price I paid for never telling you the three words you would never hear.
I miss you.
I need you.
I love you.
So few words but such meaning. You never knew, did you? Would I still be here if you did? Would any of us?
A single tear falls into the dirt and grass, but I do not cry. I shed all my tears long ago. So now, here it is. The last one is for you.
The one that got away, as they say.