How many times did I miss the signs?
My stupid heart, it left me blind
Nobody else would forgive my mistakes
Nobody else would've stayed
One step ahead of me, you saw what we could be
How did you know down in your bones that I'd come around?
One step ahead always, guiding me through my haze
Was too scared to see what this could mean, but I see it now
I see it now
How could I ever be enough?
Worthy of someone else's love?
All of my hang-ups and all of my fears
You made them all disappear
–A Great Big World
Donna's not surprised when she hears the knock. This is what he does, she thinks – every time there's something on the line, and things get too real, he comes running to her. To give him advice, to make him do the right thing, to be there for him – and then wake up the next morning to find that nothing has changed, the earth hasn't moved beneath her feet, and they are what they've always been to each other – as close as two people can be, without being that.
She puts her wine glass down and walks slowly to the door, opening it with a sigh. "Why are you here, Harvey? You should be preparing for your hearing tomorrow."
She feels a punch in the gut when she looks up at his face and sees how defeated he is. "Harvey, you can still beat this thing, I know Thomas will come through for us."
He looks stricken at the sound of Thomas' name. "Donna, losing my license, losing the firm – none of that scares me as much as losing you."
"Harvey, you're not losing me. You know that no matter what happens, I'll be there for you."
"Do I?" he scoffs, avoiding her eyes.
She feels the anger rising inside her chest. "Harvey, I've apologized to you more times that I can count. You know I feel awful about it, and you said yourself, it's the only time in 13 years I've made a mistake and not trusted you–"
"Is he here?"
"What? Thomas? No, why–"
"Because I need to talk to you. Can I come inside?"
"I don't think that's a good idea, Harvey."
"Fine, I'll say it in the hallway. I don't care," he says, his voice rising, unable to hold back his emotions any longer. "I thought I could be happy for you; I thought I could be the bigger person, but it's been torturing me for weeks and can't do this anymore."
She stares at him wordlessly and slowly steps back to let him in. She's starting to feel unglued, and the walls seem to be closing in on her as she fights to keep her voice steady. "Let me guess," she says sarcastically. "You've thought long and hard and have come to the realization that Thomas bothers you. Not because you're jealous, oh no! It's just a totally natural reaction to seeing your co-worker dating a great guy. Did I guess right?"
He can hear the pain in her voice and feels like turning around and running away, but he steps inside, shuts the door and turns to face her. "Donna, that's not what–"
"Then what, Harvey, WHAT?" She's almost yelling now and it's enough to make him take a step back, but he knows it's now or never, so he steadies himself and looks her in the eye and says with emotion, "Donna, I know I've made mistakes, and I can't take back any of the times I hurt you. And believe me, I know that I have. And I know that you're with Thomas, but I need you to know this now." He takes a deep breath and finally says the words he's been holding back for so long. "I'm so in love with you and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I told you once that I didn't want to know what kind of lawyer I'd be without you, but the truth was that I didn't want to know what kind of man I would become without you. You're the love of my goddamn life and you don't know how many times I've dreamed about –"
He stops because Donna looks angrier than he's ever seen her, and he doesn't know what he's said to make her so angry, but he can feel everything slipping away and going horribly wrong, and it terrifies him.
"Why would you do this to me?" she says loudly, and she's almost shaking. He wants so badly to reach out and wrap his arms around her but she's never felt so far out of his grasp.
"Do what? Donna, I can go if you want to be alone–"
"No. For once, you stay right here so we can finish this. You make me think for years that you didn't love me; you say nothing when I ask you to your face how you love me; you let me be lonely and miserable while you're out sleeping with half the women in Manhattan, and then you think you can come in here and say these things to me now?"
Now he's getting frustrated too. Couldn't she see how selfless he'd been? "I thought you deserved better! I thought you'd be happier with someone else! You know how messed up I was, I could never be the perfect boyfriend–"
"I didn't want perfect, I wanted you! And how dare you think it was up to you to decide who's good enough for me!"
Her voice is full of anguish and he doesn't know what to do or say to calm her down. "I was afraid of losing you, Donna! I knew I would screw everything up and then you'd leave me and–"
"If you were so afraid of losing me how could you even consider getting rid of me to make your girlfriend feel better?" She says it with as much scorn as she can muster; Harvey winces at the memory.
"It was one mistake!" he says, throwing up his hands. "And in case you've forgotten, you left me once too!"
"That's not the same at all! I did that out of love!"
He stares at her incredulously. "How do you figure that?! The last time I checked, people who love each other don't leave each other."
"Because I couldn't – I couldn't see you, be near you, put on a smile for you every day when I thought you didn't love me back, it was too painful!" There were tears in her eyes now, and although the thought that he was the one making her cry pained him, he knew it meant that she felt everything she had told him she didn't.
"Donna, you told me you felt nothing when you kissed me," he says in a low voice. "Do you know what that did to me? Why did you lie?"
She can't believe he's using that against her. That he could blame her for lying when he had treated her with such disdain, making her feel as though she was disgusting to him. "I only said that because you'd made it clear you didn't love me, when you made me promise nothing like that would ever happen again!"
"I was talking about you turning me into a cheater! I didn't mean you kissing me–"
"How was I supposed to know that?! I'm not a mind reader, Harvey!"
"Sure seems like you can read everyone's thoughts except mine," he says dismissively.
"Well, I hate to break it to you Harvey, but mind reading isn't good enough! You have to tell someone when you have feelings for them, that's part of communicating like a mature adult! You had so many chances and you just–"
"How can you sum up your feelings for someone who means everything to you? I'm not Shakespeare, Donna, there aren't any words that could mean enough–"
"You didn't exactly show me either, Harvey! How could you dance with me at Mike and Rachel's wedding, and hold me in your arms as though you never wanted to let go, and then leave me and go home like nothing happened?" The memory still pains her and she looks at the ceiling, fighting back the tears.
"Because I didn't want you to think that I was just lonely and wanted to be with someone that night because I was sad about Mike leaving! You're not just someone Donna, you're the only one." There were tears in his eyes now and it was all too much for her. She wonders if things really needed to be so difficult. Couldn't two people who love each other just fall into each other's arms and live happily ever after? She feels the room start to spin and steadies herself against the wall. "I need to think, I can't breathe–"
He feels terrible for ambushing her now. In all the times he had imagined this moment in his mind, it had never gone like this. He remembers all the signs of his panic attacks and thinks that Donna might be heading for one now, as she collapses onto the sofa and takes deep, staggering breaths. He feels all his uncertainty coming back – would she want him to stay or leave? Should he touch her or keep his distance? He decides on sitting beside her but maintaining enough space between them so that she won't feel overwhelmed. More than anything he just needs her to be okay – at that moment it doesn't matter to him what she says next.
But then she wraps her arms around his neck and starts sobbing into his shoulder and all of his caution melts away. He strokes her hair with one hand and her back with the other, and he tries to show her that this time he really doesn't want to let go. "I'm here, Donna. I'm not going anywhere."