Authors Note: This one got a bit sadder than I'd planned in places, hope you like it though! Also, FYI, I'm English – I've tried to avoid using expressions that aren't realistic for an American or Canadian but please forgive me if I've missed any.
It was a stupid accident. Rodney hadn't done much more than touch the Ancient device when, suddenly, sparks flew everywhere and Rodney fell to the floor. Dr Keller assured everyone that Rodney would be fine, that he'd simply had a nasty electric shock; but John knew better. He wouldn't relax until Rodney woke up, unchanged ….
Except he didn't. Oh he woke up alright, just woke up thinking it was 2002. As far as Rodney was concerned he was still in Siberia. John hung back as Jenny explained to him that, in fact, five years had passed and he was the Chief Science Officer of the Atlantis Base in the Pegasus Galaxy. He took it remarkably well.
"Oh OK then, and how many different types of medication are you on?"
Radek stepped in and told Rodney about Antarctica, about the ZPM, the eight symbol 'gate address they'd found, about the one-way trip into the unknown.
John was pretty sure Rodney still didn't really believe it, but he had more pressing concerns. He was of course worried about the city, without Rodney at his best they could be in serious danger, there were others who could do Rodney's job, but no-one could pull miracles out of his hat like this man. But more than that, so much more than that, there was the fact that the man who John had been involved with, in love with, for over a year, didn't have the first clue who he was.
John and Rodney had finally admitted how they felt about each other after Rodney had almost died in a sinking Jumper (and hallucinated a half naked Samantha Carter, but John was over that, no really, he was …), John staying by Rodney's bedside until he was lucid enough to have the conversation that John had honestly thought neither one of them would ever have the balls to start.
Their relationship had not been perfect in the year or more since then, they'd even called it quits for a short while (during which time, Rodney had started seeing Katie again, but John was over that too …), but then Carson had died, and it was John who Rodney had turned to for comfort.
Yeah, so they argued a lot and made fun of each other every chance they got, but they had something that was worth holding on to, worth fighting for. Something special, something important. Something that Rodney didn't remember, and in all likelihood would never remember.
John was now faced with the very real possibility that he'd lost Rodney; and he couldn't even talk about it to anyone since no-one else had known about them. He was trying very hard not to think about any of that right now though, Rodney needed his help, he needed to feel safe, needed to feel as though he belonged. All John needed was Rodney.
When he's finally released from the infirmary John takes him on a tour of the city, introducing him to people he's known for years, showing him around the place he'd long ago made his home. John tries very hard not to feel as though he's the only one who's lost something. He can't imagine how hard this is for Rodney, not understanding something has never sat well with the scientist.
Eventually they reach Rodney's quarters and John hesitates. He's spent most of his off-hours, and almost all of his nights, in here for the last year (excepting the weeks they spent apart, which John prefers to pretend never happened …), but Rodney doesn't know that.
"So, this is you then." Did that sound casual? He was aiming for casual.
"Right, yes, thanks." Rodney stands in front of the door looking a little confused. It takes John a minute to realise that Rodney doesn't know how to open the door.
"Sorry. Here." He waves his hand in front of the Ancient sensor and the door opens on cue.
"So. Goodnight then." He's pretty sure that one didn't sound casual at all. He's nervous, unsure, and more than a little angry that some stupid device has done this to them.
"Can I ask you something Colonel?" Colonel. Not John. Not anymore.
"Sure."
"Why are you doing this? I mean, surely you have more important things to do, such as indiscriminately blowing things up?" Well that sounds more like the Rodney he knows and loves.
"Why, no Rodney, I don't as it happens." He grins a little … "Cleared my schedule just for you. I'll blow twice the usual number of things up tomorrow instead." Rodney almost looks as though he's going to laugh at that, but then he becomes serious again.
"But why? Did Dr Weir order you to do this?" He doesn't look mad, or even particularly bothered by the idea that John is here because he has to be, rather than because he wants to be, he just looks curious.
"No Rodney. No-one ordered me to help you, I wanted to, we're friends."
"I seriously doubt that." This is stated as a fact, as thought he honestly can't believe that they'd ever be friends. He'd forgotten how much Rodney had changed since they'd first met. He'd always been confident in his abilities, in his intelligence, but he'd hidden a lot of self-doubt behind sarcasm and arrogance.
"Of course we're friends Rodney, I like you, you need to believe that."
"If you say so Colonel, but I more meant that I can't imagine why I'd choose to spend time with someone like you."
John had been hiding his emotions from the world long enough to somehow keep his immediate reaction to that statement off his face. He knew, somewhere deep down, that Rodney hadn't meant to be cruel, that he simply didn't know how much his statement would hurt John, that he didn't understand that you can't voice every single thought you have without considering how it will make a person feel. Rodney really had changed a lot since coming to Atlantis.
"Believe what you want, it's true." John didn't bother trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice. Rodney simply walked into his room, he didn't even say goodnight.
The next day wasn't turning out any better. John doesn't realise how much he's been expecting Rodney's memory to just suddenly return, until it becomes clear that it hasn't. The disappointment hits him like a sucker-punch to the stomach. How is he supposed to deal with this? How is he supposed to pretend his world hasn't ended? How is he supposed to do this alone?
He's hiding in the practice room, trying to convince himself that he's not actually hiding, when Ronon and Teyla find him. They're both looking at him with something that appears to be pity. Now why would they be looking at him like that?
"How are you John?" Teyla's using her calming voice, the one he secretly refers to as her 'Shrink Voice'.
"Fine. Why?" Definitely nailed the casual thing that time.
Now he gets the 'you're not fooling me, silly man' look.
"Rodney has forgotten you, forgotten what you are to each other. That cannot be easy for you."
Huh? She can't mean what he thinks she means. She just means that they're friends, right?
"Yeah, well. He's still alive at least, and he'll learn to lo … love me again. Soon as he gets to know me." It's an expression, that's all it is, a thing people say, 'you love me really' that kind of thing. It doesn't mean anything, nothing important anyway, and there's no reason he can't say it about Rodney. No reason at all.
Except now Ronon's joined in with the 'you're fooling no-one look', and John's not sure he wants to argue with Ronon right now.
"I don't get you people. You have some stupid rules, you know that?"
The fight leaves John faster than he thought it could. He can't deal with lying to his friends on top of everything else.
"OK. Fine. What do you want from me? We're together. We're a couple … lovers … partners, you want details?" He's shouting by the end. Huh, where did that come from? He hadn't been angry at them thirty seconds ago ….
"We just want you to know that we're here for you John. Rodney will remember you eventually, you have to believe that." She's being all sincere again, and John's a little surprised by how much he wants to hate her for that.
He deflates almost entirely now, his whole body sagging, something inside him finally giving up, now that he has to say out loud what he's known since Rodney dismissed him the night before.
"No. He won't. I thought it wouldn't matter, that I could make him love me again whether he remembered or not, but I can't." Teyla and Ronon both seem a little taken aback at the helpless, defeated tone in his voice.
"Why not?"
"Because. He doesn't want me." Teyla tries to interrupt but John won't let her. "He can't even believe he ever liked me, let alone anything else. He looked at me like I was some kind of, of … nobody. The kind of person he wouldn't waste his time on. How am I supposed to make him love me again when I don't even know how I did it the first time? I don't know what he saw in me, I don't know why he wanted me, I don't know why he loved me," and he doesn't even try to keep the despair out of his voice now "I never asked ... I thought we had time … we were supposed to have time!"
Men don't cry. John doesn't cry. He's crying now though, silent tears that he refuses to acknowledge. He expects Teyla to do something, to embrace him and tell him everything will be OK. He won't believe her, she knows that, but it might help him to pretend, even if it is just for a minute. But she doesn't.
Ronon does.
"You worry too much, he's a smart guy, he'll figure it out." He releases John and smiles, a smile full understanding and reassurance, of caring. John feels a little stupid for forgetting that he loves these two almost as much as Rodney.
A week passes and John has moved on from the pathetic wreck he was. He seeks Rodney out whenever he can, tries to be cool, charming, clever (he's actually taken to randomly solving math problems in an attempt to get Rodney to notice him), but Rodney still looks through him.
They're having a party tonight, a celebration of not really New Year (since their calendar is nothing like Earth's), up until a week ago he and Rodney had been planning on making the most of the enforced time off, spending some quality time together. John decides that he needs to get really drunk. After all, that never ends badly ….
He's just about able to stand up straight (he thinks he's standing straight anyway, it's kind of hard to tell with the room being all wobbly like that …), but then he stumbles … straight into Rodney, who sighs and looks at John as though he's a world-class moron. But then he seems to take pity on John.
"Come on Colonel, I think you've had enough." He takes John's arm and walks him out of the mess hall. They're almost at John's quarters before he realises that this is the most attention Rodney's paid to him since this whole thing started. He'd be happy about it if it wasn't so clear that Rodney would rather be just about anywhere else.
Rodney dumps John onto his bed and turns to leave the room.
"You need to sleep it of Colonel, this isn't really acceptable behaviour for the Ranking Military Officer is it now?" He sounds a little disgusted with John and that's the final straw.
"You loved me once you know." So what if he sounds like a thirteen year old girl, he kind of feels like one right now. "You don't remember, but it's true. You loved me, and I loved you, love you, will probably always love you. Forever" Rodney finally turns around, a look of horror on his face.
"What? I don't think so," indignant now, "I'll have you know I'm straight, I don't like men in that way and even if I did …."
"Don't. Rodney, please don't say anything we might neither of us be able to live with later. I'm telling you. We were in love, we were together." He sits up and reaches for Rodney, who pulls away. John sits back with a sigh.
"It's alright, I know you don't want me anymore, I know you don't remember me, but I want you to know … I'll wait … for as long as it takes. You need to know that, whenever you get your memory back, I'll be waiting for you. I'll never stop waiting for you."
His pain must be evident on his face because Rodney hesitates, stares right at John and then says softly ….
"I'm sorry Colonel. I don't think that's ever going to happen … I really am sorry." And then he's gone.
Rodney goes straight to his quarters and stands in the middle of the room, not really knowing what to do. How did this happen? How did he end up in a relationship with a man? A good looking man to be sure, but still a man, and not just any man, he's in the Air Force for God's sake, what could they possibly have in common?
The last week had been confusing as Hell for Rodney. He'd gone to sleep in Siberia, and woken up in another frigging Galaxy! And he apparently had friends here, Radek was always asking him if he needed anything, and telling him all about the scrapes they'd gotten into together (Rodney was trying not to dwell too much on how reckless he'd apparently become, I mean, what kind of an idiot intentionally overdoses on some kind of messed up alien drug?). Radek had also told him all about Carson, and the more he heard the more Rodney felt as though he were actually in mourning for a man he'd never met.
Elizabeth he knew, or at least had met once or twice, she seemed nice and was certainly nice enough to Rodney (although she did have a rather infuriating habit of talking to him as though he were a child). She'd spent most of that first day trying to reassure Rodney that his place in the city was secure, until he had (quite rightly) pointed out that of course it was safe, who else could possibly be better than him?
And that was another thing. Surely people who'd know him for three years shouldn't still be surprised when he speaks his mind? They kept looking at him as though he'd grown a second head, and he knows there's no way he's changed that much in the five years he can't remember.
Of course, he'd been pretty bitter about the whole banishment to Siberia thing. It was possible that he was being a little more petty and belligerent than usual ….
But it was this thing with Colonel Sheppard that was confusing him the most. He really couldn't understand how it could have happened. Had there been some sort of life threatening situation that they'd survived against all the odds, leading to life-affirming, I-don't-care-what-gender-you-are-I-just-want-to-get-laid sex? The first part was kind of a given based on everything he'd heard so far, but surely it'd take more than almost dying to turn him gay?
He had nothing against the idea per se, he was as open minded as the next person (although around here the next person was likely to be Military, so perhaps not …), but he'd never really entertained the idea for himself. That's not really it though. He feels bad thinking it, because the Colonel seems like a nice enough guy, but he can't quite picture himself falling for someone like that. He's cool, he's charming, he's more laid back than anyone Rodney's ever met (although he does seem a little nervous around Rodney, something that makes sense all of a sudden), he's simply not the kind of guy that Rodney would normally befriend.
And whatever happened to Don't Ask, Don't Tell? Surely that hasn't been repealed? It seems unlikely, but he can hardly ask can he? Whoever he asked would want to know why he was asking, and if it was still against the rules he couldn't drop the Colonel in it like that. He may not have romantic feelings for him, or even really know him, but the man deserved better than that. After all, he did seem to have genuine feelings for Rodney, and Rodney had apparently returned those feelings in another life.
He's finally gotten to the crux of the matter. The man Sheppard was in love with doesn't exist anymore. Whatever events had changed him over the last five years had done a bang up job. The more mission reports he read, the more 'friends' he spoke to, the more he realised that he'd become a different person. Maybe it was subtle, maybe it was more about how he felt than how he acted, but it was there … he was no longer the kind of man who could love John Sheppard, and (if he's honest with himself), he's probably no longer the kind of man that John Sheppard could love.
So what does he do now? He'd feel as though he were betraying the memory of a dead man if he hurt Sheppard any more than he already had (albeit unknowingly). Could they be friends? Should they be friends? Would that just hurt Sheppard even more? Having something so close to what he wanted, knowing that he could never have more?
Who was he supposed to talk to about this? He finds himself (not for the first time) wishing that Carson were still alive. He knew that they were best friends, that he'd spoken to Carson about everything, that he would understand and perhaps even be able to help. It makes no sense to Rodney how much he misses a man he doesn't remember.
He realises eventually that he hasn't moved, he's still standing in the middle of the room as though thinking about this mess requires every ounce of energy he has.
The doorbell sounds (a ridiculous name for a rather ingenious piece of alien technology, but then, most things around here seem to have ridiculous names. Surely a ship that goes through the 'gate has a much more obvious name than 'Puddle Jumper'?), Rodney's halfway to the door before he remembers that he can open it with his mind (OK, so maybe the Pegasus Galaxy isn't all bad …), before the door is fully open, Ronon walks in.
Rodney's not ashamed to admit that he's a little terrified of the dreadlocked alien, he looks like he could kill a man with one finger. Then eat him for breakfast.
Ronon is giving Rodney a searching look, clearly trying to figure something out. Rodney has to bite his tongue to keep from telling him not to burst something trying to actually think (he's pretty sure sarcasm could kill him in this case), uh oh, looks like Conan's about to say something ….
"You were friends. You need to be that again. I want to shoot you a lot of the time but you're a good guy McKay, just be his friend."
He tilts his head and look at Rodney as though he expects something … well Rodney's not about to disappoint the one guy on this base who would probably follow through on that threat to shoot him ….
"OK." And just like that the man-mountain is gone.
So. Friends. He can do that. Just because he never has, doesn't mean he can't learn ….
He starts out slow, getting the lay of the land, sitting with the rest of the team at lunch and (unlike he's done for the last week) making an effort to engage them in conversation. Sheppard never seems to go anywhere without at least one of his alien sidekicks, so Rodney has decided that he'll just have to be friends with them too. What the hell, in for a penny and all that.
Much to Rodney's surprise it doesn't really take long. Soon enough he finds himself looking forward to their time together, secretly finding the Ronon and Teyla Show (they are so doing it …) quite entertaining. He's never going to tell them that of course, he's pretty sure Teyla could kill him just as easily as Ronon … also, he's not even sure they realise they're being funny, and he wouldn't want to put them off their stride.
Sheppard's a pretty good guy, entertaining, intelligent, witty, kind of scary when he wants to be (but that's probably a good thing, considering he's responsible for Rodney's safety and everyone in this Galaxy seems to want to kill them), and a bit more of a Sci-Fi buff than he likes to let on. Rodney must remember to give that Firefly DVD back to him … he'd only remembered watching the first few episodes in Siberia so he and Sheppard had watched the rest together, with Rodney repeatedly asking if he was joking about it being cancelled, it was a fun evening all in all.
Come to think of it, the Colonel seems remarkably relaxed round him lately, perhaps he doesn't remember The Conversation and is just reacting to Rodney being more friendly to him?
Maybe he should stop thinking about it with the capitals letters … it's possible he's turning it into more of an event than it was.
Nope. Definitely an event. One he feels less and less guilty about as more time goes by though. Sheppard is definitely happier than he was for those first few days, perhaps he's over him? It's only been three weeks, but maybe that's all it takes?
Except … he'd said he'd wait, that he'd love him forever. Three weeks isn't forever. Three weeks is hardly any time at all in the grand scheme of things. Not that it's even been three full weeks, it's still morning, it won't be a full three weeks until tonight, sometime around 2am, which is technically tomorrow, so it's a whole day shy of three bloody weeks! Some 'forever' that is! He's over him already! This is outrageous! So the great John Sheppard's too good to wait an extra bloody day is he? Rodney's not worth it, is that was it is? Stupid, I-brought-an-entire-Jumper-full-of-haircare-products-to-another-Galaxy, flyboy liar! How dare he? What kind of attention span does he have? It's hardly even been more than two weeks!
Somewhere in the middle of all that it occurs to Rodney that perhaps three weeks is long enough after all.
John is out on one of the most remote balconies, leaning against the railing staring out across the water. Rodney slowly walks over to him and leans on the balcony too, allowing their arms to touch. John turns to him with a hopeful look in his eyes, so Rodney smiles, as sweetly as he knows how. He gently moves his little finger so that he's caressing John's own. He lowers his head almost involuntarily and looks back up at John through his lashes.
"You remember." John sounds so relieved, happy, surprised, and sure all at once that Rodney can't bear to make him wait a minute longer. As he moves in for a chaste kiss, a promise of so much more, John closes his eyes and lets out a sigh. And Rodney knows he's home.
He pulls away for a moment, promising himself that it won't be for long. He fills his voice with as much love as he suddenly knows he feels and tells his best friend ….
"No. Turns out I didn't need to."
Rodney follows John to his quarters feeling increasingly nervous. He's suddenly not sure what he was thinking. Sure, he'd spent a lot of time with John over the last few weeks and had grown to care for him, but what made him think that caring was the same as love?
He'd realised earlier, before he went looking for John, that he was terrified of the idea that John didn't love him anymore. But what if that was all it was? What if he was just so desperate for someone to love him that he was getting himself into something that he wouldn't be able to handle? After all, aside from the odd lingering look in his college roommate's direction, he'd always been pretty sure he was straight. What if he couldn't do this? What if all he was doing was leading John on?
What if they got to John's room and he gave in to this sudden urge he had to run?
He didn't want to hurt John again, but he couldn't stay with him out of some sense of obligation could he?
It occurred to him that it was possible some subconscious part of his mind was remembering things he couldn't consciously remember, memories belonging to the man he'd been, the man who was dead. Rodney felt a little uneasy thinking about himself in those terms, but it was true wasn't it? The Rodney who had been with John no longer existed.
Now Rodney remembers his initial reaction to The Conversation (still thinking of it in capitals …), how he'd wondered how John could possibly love him now, now that he was himself again and not the mythical version of himself these people remembered. Since the accident (or at least, since they'd been spending time together) John had been constantly assuring him that he wasn't really all that different, but Rodney knew better.
He is not normally prone to rash decisions (although apparently his other self was), he now finds himself amazed that he did something so life-altering and potentially disastrous without thinking through the consequences.
He'd been so amazed to find himself feeling so much for John after such a short time that he simply hadn't stopped to think about what his declaration would mean. John would expect things from him, things he wasn't sure he'd be able to give. Some naive part of Rodney hadn't thought past the part where he got to spend more time with this man, where he got to have someone love him, where he got to be in love.
Presumably the same naïve part that chose to ignore the fact that he may simply be channelling someone else's feelings.
He's been thinking fast, but not fast enough. They're at John's quarters now. Oh God, he can't do this ….
"Um, John …." He tries to think of some way to explain, some way to get out of here without causing too much harm.
John just smiles at him, and takes his hand.
"Come in, don't worry, we don't have to do anything, we'll just talk." He sounds as though he's speaking to a scared little girl and, despite himself, Rodney is a little annoyed at that. It's not like he's a virgin for God's sake!
"John …." Oh God, he can't do this, he can't hurt him again. Not after letting him believe he was willing to try.
"Rodney, stop worrying so much, please. I know you, I know what you're thinking."
"I seriously doubt that." The words are out of his mouth before he realises what he's said. He's repeating himself, that's what he'd said to John about the idea of them having been friends. John doesn't look mad though, he's just staring at Rodney, trying to figure something out.
"What happened? What happened today that made you think you could do this?" At Rodney's indignant look John continues quickly "I'm not doubting you Rodney, after all I know you can do this, but I also know it took you over a year the first time, so tell me, what happened?"
"I thought you didn't love me anymore and I couldn't stand it, I don't want you to stop loving me, I thought … I thought maybe … maybe I do love you, maybe that's why I can't seem to stop thinking about you, why I keep seeking you out …." He allows all of his confusion and fear to show through, John deserves honesty if nothing else.
John surprises him again by laughing.
"Rodney, I love you. I told you, that's never going to change."
He walks towards Rodney with a kind of swagger that should probably be illegal, and gently, giving Rodney plenty of time to object, places his hands on either side of Rodney's waist. They're close now, so close that they're practically sharing breath and John leans forward slowly to rest his forehead against Rodney's.
"How about we take this slow? Just … go with the flow? I lost you once because you can't learn to keep your hands to yourself, no let me finish …" Rodney really wants to object to that, but he's pretty sure he wouldn't have a leg to stand on. "I'm not about to lose you again because I can't keep my hands to myself." There's that cheeky grin again, and Rodney wonders if John's doing it because he knows Rodney won't be able to resist. How unfair is it that John's working with inside information here?
"OK. Slow. I can do slow. But … are you sure? I mean … are you sure it'll work out? I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm kind of bad at this relating to people stuff, what if I mess everything up, what if …."
John stops him with a kiss, gentle, more friendly than anything else.
"We'll work it out. Trust me."
And Rodney finds that he does. He knows this will be difficult, he knows there are any number of obstacles in their way, that this might very well end in disaster. But with John's arms around him, with John's words running through his head, he can't bring himself to care.
It takes time, and it's not easy, they're starting from scratch and Rodney is still terrified that it will all go horribly wrong (also, John appears to have a rather unnerving jealous streak, that pretty little botanist runs away every time she sees him), but Rodney knows that eventually, they'll find their way back.
The End