Final Fantasy VIII:
Everlong
It constantly amazes me how much I took for granted in the realm of human relationships, of the simple little things I overlooked whilst searching for some higher purpose, a larger calling. A sigh, a caress, a look, a whisper, a smile. I didn't really understand these things, they had no place in my world, pushed out by such weighty matters as the best way to explain the symbiotic nature of the partnership between Guardian Forces and their masters, or the history of the development of Para-Magic.
I think it was because I was afraid to be human. That to experience such things would leave me weakened, vulnerable. I couldn't afford such a thing at that point in my life. I was already isolated by my age, by my own brilliance (hah, such a thought makes me laugh now, but at the time it seemed so true). I wasn't like those around me and many despised me for it. And so I shut myself into a cocoon, a shell around me to protect myself from those who would seek to do me harm. The truth of it though, was I was petrified, scared that they would see right through me. I acted so bold, so confident, and yet I was a mess inside, a weak mass of neuroses, impulses and desires. I choked it off and locked it into a box, tossing it away into the deepest hole I could find, praying to Hyne that I'd never be that way again.
Of course, it didn't last. With the loss of my memories from the overuse of Guardian Forces, I couldn't explain what it was about Squall that drew me to him. In many ways, he was even more isolated than I was, but he didn't try to disguise it, unlike I who hid behind my peers. It seemed like he accepted who he was, and was more than willing to stand alone against the rest of the world. I... envied him, that freeness he seemed to exhibit. When I became his instructor, I would study his every action, watch how he distanced himself from those around him, and I thought he was actually, I don't know, content with his life like that? He was everything that I was too afraid to be, and I had this irresistible urge to be close to him. I convinced myself that I was in love with him. What a fool I was.
He wasn't the only one though. There was another who was similar, someone who pushed away the world at large, having only two people on this planet who were close to her. Practically everything about Fujin yelled at people to leave her alone, from her white hair and pale skin, to her single red eye and her voice, harsh and grating. And of course, the fact that she yelled at people to leave her alone. She seemed to full of anger and hatred directed towards the world at large, a world that she had been cut out of through no fault of her own, and she refused to let that world impinge upon her any further. I looked down upon her, felt saddened by the fact she felt she had to lash out with violence, whether physical or verbal, to get some peace. It only now occurs to me that she'd have hated me for that as well, amongst the myriad other reasons she felt scorn for me.
And then came three events that turned my world upside down. I was demoted as an instructor at Balamb, Squall first met Rinoa, and then there was the second Sorceress War, with Edea threatening the safety of the world. Everything that I had known, had believed in was ripped away. I was incompetent, unloved and threatened. All I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and die, but my stubbornness wouldn't even allow me that. And so I fought by Squall's side, watching as he opened up more and more to Rinoa, becoming a real person in the terms of the world whilst I was still locked away.
It was at what remained of Trabia Garden that I started to really understand that I wasn't alone. Squall and Seifer, Selphie and Irvine, Zell and Edea. We were all tied together, even if Irvine was the only one who remembered it. I didn't have to keep myself at such a distance from everyone, that there were people around me who wouldn't take advantage of my weakness.
Did I really love him? No, I'm quite sure I didn't. Maybe I was in love with the idea of him, the mythical lone wolf who neither needed nor wanted anyone, who chose to stand alone against the rest of the world. That I would be the one to change him, to reach inside and find that special thing that he shut away from everyone else, it was so... erotic, or so I thought. Really, it was the other way around, I wanted him to unbind me from the chains of my own devising. And being forced to watch on as Rinoa did exactly that for him was a wake up call for me. I was missing out on so much because of my own idiocy, because I was so damn afraid of allowing someone in, that I had to find someone just as wounded as I was to even consider the notion of doing so.
Sentiments are a good thing, but I found my resolve was far from strong. After we defeated Ultimecia and escaped Time Compression, I went back to Balamb Garden with the others, and for a while, things seemed good. After a while though, we grew apart. Selphie had returned to Trabia to help rebuild the Garden there, and with nothing left to hold Irvine in Balamb, he went back to Galbadia Garden. Zell finally got over his nerves and asked out Sasha, the girl from the library, and so he spent far more time with her. And of course, Squall was with Rinoa, leaving me all by myself. Xu was the only person I really talked to, and I couldn't bring myself to be as open with her as I felt I should be trying to be.
It was ironic how everything changed for me once again. The one person who I thought could never teach me to be all the things that I wanted to, was the only one who managed to reach me. It was strange, seeing Fujin again, this time alone, and yet, truly content. It didn't make sense to me, when my experiences and observations had told me that you couldn't be happy by yourself. And I was right, in a way. It wasn't that she was happy being alone, it's just she recognised it as a transitive phase as she grew into the person she thought she could be. She sought out people, made friends with those who had once been enemies and somehow brought out the best in those she was around. It was like a revelation, to see someone who had been so angry and lost become at ease with the world at large, and it gave me hope that I could do the same.
We'd meet most mornings before dawn, standing upon the second floor balcony, and we'd talk about things, from how we were doing in general, to the political trouble in Galbadia, to ethical discussions about the usage of Guardian Forces in training SeeD cadets. She had a hidden warmth to her, something she'd sheltered and nursed for so many years. She'd been born different, she'd lost an eye and had her throat irreparably damaged, people hated and jeered at her for being a freak, but after a long struggle, she'd risen above all of that. She was inspirational, she was magnificent, she was... beautiful. She glowed with quiet pride in who she had become and was becoming and it was like a beacon for me. I couldn't help myself.
I remember the first time I felt aroused by her. My students were on a field trip with Instructor Aki supervising them, so I had some time to get through some of the never-ending pile of paperwork that had been stacking up on my desk. The old me would have done just that, but she had changed me, more than any of the other experiences I'd gone through in my life. Instead, I went to see one of the classes she helped out teaching when she wasn't out on a mission. She and Zell were sparring, as they often did, both of them moving at a frenetic pace that was quite frankly tiring to watch, and yet captivating at the same time as they ebbed and flowed from attack to defence and then back again. When they'd finished up, she strode to one side of the hall, grabbing a bottle of water that sat by her towel. She poured it over her head, arching her back a little as she moved the bottle so that the water splashed over her blue training top, the quickly sodden fabric clinging to her breasts. I don't think I'd ever felt like that before as I stood transfixed, watching the rivulets of water run down her body. I... throbbed, for lack of a better word. I could feel the need to touch her, to be touched by her. Drinking the last of the water, she turned to face me from across the hall and gave me a slow wink. To this day I still don't know if that had been a show for me alone, or whether it was just something she normally did and had caught me staring during the act. I've never asked, and don't intend to.
I avoided her for the rest of the day, throwing myself into the paperwork before finally consigning myself to a fitful sleep. I woke up at my usual time, and I put serious thought to just staying in bed, instead of going up to the balcony as was usual, for I knew she would be there. I was confused by what had happened, uneasy with how she'd made me feel. Scared of actually feeling. When I realised that, I knew I had to go.
She was leaning on the railing that skirted the entire balcony, her hair dancing on the breeze as she wore a little smile on her face. I moved to stand beside her, somewhat uncomfortable in the silence as we just stared out at the landscape before us. Without turning, she reached out and took my hand in hers, interlocking fingers before holding it to her chest. We didn't do anything more than that, we didn't say a word to each other, not even when I left to go to my first class of the day. We didn't need to, not really. A simple action had spoken louder than any words could have.
It grew from there really. We never really talked much about it; Fujin had never been one for verbalising things and I didn't think I could express myself properly, so we didn't put words to it very often. Simple little actions would tell us how the other felt.
A sigh of contentment as we held each other. A caress to re-establish connection after an argument. A look to show how hurt we were by the others actions. A whisper of three little words. A smile at just being together. I didn't understand these things until she showed me. She saved me from myself and opened up the world for me to finally start living in it.
Her breath warm on the back of my neck. Her muscles hard as she moves against me. Her skin smooth beneath my fingers. Her lips soft pressing against mine. A thousand expressions in a single touch, every one of them telling me she loves me. And I wonder how I thought I could make it through this world alone, without her by my side.