She died a month ago. I don't want to believe it, but it's on the papers. It's written in everyone's face. And I've written it in my books. Books I read, or just notebooks. Everyone knows by now.

She died almost normally. Peacefully, considering the circumstances. She was shot in the arm at first. As stubborn as she is, she decided she was fine; she didn't tell anyone. Because that's how she fucking acts all the time. So we continued going on until she was shot again and this time we noticed. We tried. I tried everything.

So a month ago, Alexian Lucia Rorke stopped breathing. Forever. In front of me. I've seen thousands die. I've watched my mother slowly pass away, I've witnessed my dad getting his head blown off, but watching her fucking die? It was almost ironic. She was the kind of person to seem to live on forever. I always thought she'd die after me. When we would be really old, complaining about young people.

But I'm slowly realizing it'll never happen. She'll never grow old. She's rotting six feet under. Everyone has beliefs, some people believe in afterlife, some in Heaven, but all I know is that she's gone. Maybe she's watching me write this. But she's not here. I can't see her. I can't talk to her.

The last time we talked was a couple of hours after she was shot. Keegan patched her up quite remarkably, but it didn't really last long against 2 bullet wounds. So we brought her to the little hospital, the doctors tried everything, but at the end of it, she still died. It didn't matter. David and me talked to her on her deathbed. She knew she was dying, we both knew she was dying, so we just talked. I can't quite remember about what. When she died, I thought she just fell unconscious. I've seen people die, but not this peacefully. David knew, so he shot me a look. He didn't need words. His eyes told me.

The team's pretty down. Pretty shit. Everyone's sort of mourning, in their own way. Merrick's just working. I can't get angry at him, really. He's trying to keep us together. A bit like Keegan, only he's a bit more silent. We usually see him with Merrick. Kick's kinda just...there. He's working, he's trying, but I can see he's drowning. He's not really good at hiding shit, and as much as him and Alex weren't really close, it impacted him a bit harder than I thought it would.

Then there's Hesh- more so David than Hesh now. He's back to the normal David, who isn't too serious- well okay, he is pretty serious now. He's scooped up in his dorm, probably sitting in his bed, doing fucking nothing. He's probably

Then there's me. I'm not sure how I feel. I don't believe it. Maybe it's just a bad dream. Maybe they lied and she's just in a coma. I'd say I'm mourning. I'd say I'm recovering. But I'm not, I'm in fucking denial and totally numb to it. I feel like it's just back to 2016. She's not dead. She's just disappeared. She's fine.

But Alex's dead and goddamnit it feels empty. Nothing happens. There's no one to make shitty puns in a meeting or to argue Merrick on everything thing, there's no one to comfort me or Hesh even when times are shitty and I'm slowly realizing that she won't come back. It's like my brain doesn't realize it. She isn't coming back. And sometime my brain tells me that everything's fine and I'll find her somewhere, most likely waiting for me, but she's nowhere but in a coffin. It's a strange feeling, because I feel like she's still here, because I'm so used to her presence, but no, no she isn't.

I'm pretty tired. It's a constant realization, again and again, and it's tiring. For now I'm just trying to pass the days. Crying comes later, because right now nothing comes out. Writing kinda helps. Like what I'm writing. Journals, I've got tons of them, and I draw her sometimes. From memory or pictures, since I can't see the live model anymore. Yesterday I caught myself almost sobbing- Didn't really notice until the paper was stained with tears- while I was writing about something. I decided to throw away the paper at the end of it. Worthless.

Maybe she's watching me right now. If she is, first of all, how- I mean...Couldn't you've waited? A bit longer. After we were settled down. Maybe after we had a family or something- not when we just started living. The war's almost over. Why didn't you tell us about the first bullet? What kind of fucking thought went through your mind at that moment? Like Dave said once, when he was arguing, again, he called you selfish. And he's right, he's so fucking right. I don't want to attack you- after all you're...gone- But goddamnit why didn't you tell us? Pride? I'm just really confused. I'm slightly angry. I'm sad. Destroyed. I'm just trying to piece stuff together, trying to understand. You didn't leave any notes or you didn't tell us and when I asked you why you laughed.

I'm tired Alex. Because I'll never get answers.

i feel like i need to put this in an entire new story cause BOY this is like,,,okay. aight then. I needed to vent a bit so taKE THIS

BaffledQueenie aka momther y do u do this to Merrick u've inspired me to do this shit sorry for thIS SHIT