A/N: Re-Written Thursday, July 25th 2013.
Title: Oh Alice
Rating: M (Violence.)
Trigger Warnings: Accidental suicide attempt, mismanagement of mental disorder, bullying.
Pairing: Dean/Cas
Summary; Castiel has always been off, he knows he has issues, he knows he needs medication. But he didn't really know how bad it could get.
* A/N; I shortened Hanael to Hana since Rachel has such a generic name.
Oh Alice
They had known something was off with him as a child.
He would stare into odd spaces for hours, he cried, screamed, but never really laughed. Unless he was tickled, or the small giggles to himself. His eyes would trail after shadows that didn't exist. Trailing after them across the walls. As time passed, he slowly came out of it. Talking more and interacting with the family, which put everyone at ease. But, it never really stopped.
They lived in a suburban area with their cookie cutter neighbors and for the most part, their cookie cutter family. Although he'd stopped with the panicked yelling by the time they'd moved he still didn't like playing with other kids too much and tended to throw fits.
Their darling little angel had little obsessions.
They were worried about him being OCD, tended to keep to himself; even when his siblings tried to play with him. More often than not, he would violently chuck his toys at them when they tried to touch him. It was difficult, not knowing what was going on with their infant. Not that there weren't small rays of sunshine. Everyone was so pleased when he started talking. Learning new words at a much faster rate than any of the other children had. Even then, although he barely spoke, when he did it held an eerie intelligence a two year old shouldn't have. Worried, they asked around about how normal it was. They'd only received re-assurance that they probably had a little genius on their hands. Withdrawn behavior was common within some brackets of IQ.
He scored a 132 at the age of four.
Sometimes, when he was feeling in a good mood, he would babble for hours. Non stop talking to everyone and everything. They named the coffee pot Sandy, because that's what he kept calling her.
A few years passed and things got bad again when they tried to have him visit with some of their friends children. There had been a massive tantrum. Ashamed, they took him home. None of their other children had behaved that way.
Once upon a time, they used to go go to the park with all of the family. They'd stopped when their little boy came screaming and yelling at them, saying that someone had bitten him. That he never wanted to come back and simply would not calm down until they promised him that they wouldn't. They'd realized maybe it had been a bad idea to bring him. Maybe too early for his development.
He hasn't seen a park since.
Their little boy hadn't wanted to go further than the porch for half a year so when he suggested, with wide blue eyes, they take a vacation they thanked him. The entire family went and borrowed a large van from one of their friends. With a prayer on their tongues they headed down towards the west coast. The beach.
They came home once he had tried to drown himself in the bath tub after their first day there.
He was taken to a child therapist who gave him sedatives for his outbursts. She wasn't happy with how much further into himself her baby seemed to retreat, but the doctor argued that it was better than him slamming his head into walls. Maybe he would trying to attack his siblings.
They were finally able to leave him alone with his siblings without worry. After a few months they eased him off of the medication.
The suburbian life cycle continued.
Their first big obstacle they came to was a little after he'd stopped his medication. It had been his first day at a school. She was at work and He was driving one of the older siblings to the high school. She doesn't pick up immediately but He does. Their youngest had thrown a massive fit, flipped his little desk over and run into the bathroom refusing to come out, banging on the stall door with his little fists. One of the teachers had tried to lean down, get him out from underneath the stall walls. He had kicked her in face when she tried. So they had been forced to call the parents to get him. He turned the car around and called the high school, letting them now that Michael was going to be late for class due to an emergency but did not go into detail.
"What's wrong?" Michael asked, more curious than concerned, any legitimate reason to skip class worked for him.
"It's your brother."
Michael's face dimmed. "Oh. Which one?"
"Castiel."
It took about 20 minutes to calm the bawling child down and get him out of the bathroom. He didn't seem to want to stay at the school, so after some deliberation they chose to bring him home. Michael didn't go to school that day, instead offering to stay at home. It seemed better than having his father miss work, besides, he could just have someone bring all his assignments to him later. He opened the door and let his littlest brother squirm out of his arms and sprint into their house. He sighed and dropped his book bag, locking the door behind him.
"Cassie? Cas!" he yelled out searching the rooms of the house.
He finally found him curled up under a blanket in his closet, with his little sketch books and a handful of markers. Michael sighed and crouched, trying to get the little boys attention. "Hey, look at me." No response; only furious scribbling. "Please?"
It was going to be one of those days.
"Look kiddo. I know school sucks and there are a lot of kids and you don't like that, but it's something we have to do." There was a small pause in the scribbling and then it picked up again. Progress. "Mom and Dad are gonna in trouble if you don't go to school, you don't want them to get in trouble do you?" The orange crayon snapped in Cas's tiny hand.
"School is a bad place."
Michael crawled further toward Cas very carefully. He made his movements blatant. Sometimes, he didn't like people anywhere near his 'space', but he seemed to be responding. "What makes it such a bad place, kiddo?"
"Jimmy scared me, I don't think he likes school either so he was in a bad mood," he grabbed another crayon. "Said you were gonna leave me there and never come back cuz I'm difficult."
Michael crawled forward to try and hold him. Cas threw the crayon in his hand across the room and retreated further into the closet. The conversation was obviously over and trying to continue would only end up in Cas hurting himself.
When the rest of the family gets home, the conversation is tense. The second 'how the day went' comes up, Cas is bolting from the table with a frustrated father behind him.
He gets his first spanking and doesn't talk to anyone for the rest of the night.
The next day at school goes without incident. As does the next. And it fades into months.
Everything is almost fine until one day the teacher tries to force Cas to socialize more. She makes him go outside during recesses and he throws a rock at her. It was the start of a month of tantrums and violence that affected the entire household. Gabriel and Michael had to mediate between most of that. The majority of their time was spent sending the other younger kids into a room with the TV turned up loud. Snippets always made it through anyway.
Their father's patience was waning thing and Cas's punishments had gotten creative since nothing was working.
He had been found next to a broken vase at school and had started throwing the pieces when the teachers dragged him out of the crowd of children. All the while trying to tell them that Jimmy had another bad day and he did it, but no one would listen. He was a bad child. That night when everyone returned home; Gabriel and Michael weren't there.
When his father yelled at him, his mother yelled at her husband not to yell at her baby, he rounded on her, face starting to turn red, bellowing that he was old enough to take responsibility of his own actions.
"It wasn't me! Jimmy had a bad day!"
Each word getting louder as he yells.
"Quit lying!" Their father bellows at the five, now almost six year old and slaps him across the face.
Sometime after their father moves out and it's the last time Cas sees Jimmy, Anna, or Michael for a long time. It wasn't really a choice, more of a really messed up custody agreement.
The future wasn't all too bleak.
There's a lot of phone calls; the kids making the biggest efforts to stay in touch.
Their father hits a run of bad luck, began drinking heavily, and eventually turned a hand to his half of the kids he'd received in the custody battle.
When Cas first hears of this he smiles and whispers. "Told you Jimmy was the bad one." Although, he had to admit, he missed having a perfect mirror.
Michael took custody of them once he turned 20, and moved a little closer. They had agreed as a family, that since the kids were already settled with friends, and he had a good job, they could handle living a few hours away from each other. But still, Cas never got to see them, and most of the time he didn't want to.
Gabriel left for college when Cas was nine.
He didn't take it well and crawled further into seclusion. Gabriel had been the major moving force for Cas. Of course he wasn't mad at his mother, but she worked almost full time. Without him, he fell into seclusion. That was, at least, until Cas entered the 4th grade. They had put him in a 'special' class. He noticed that it mortified his mother. At least none of his friends thought it was bad.
The school was concerned about his withdrawn nature and his inability to participate in class. He never completed his homework despite his IQ.
That's when he met Chuck, Dean, and Ash.
The introductions were shy, and they all kept to themselves, but they liked each other. (Their progress as a group improved in the end. Towards the end of their fifth grade year, they were allowed back into normal class rooms.) Cas still had his lucid moments with a general refusal to participate with the rest of the class. He continued to spend time mumbling to himself rather than talking to others. He preferred losing himself in books. Chuck had recommended quite a few to him, as they had spent detention together in the library for throwing chalk at the board. They'd broken all of them, making Dean and Ash laugh. Cas liked making these friends laugh, he'd realized. None of his other friends laughed much. Maybe he had to try harder with them.
The day they all sat quietly at the back of the class working, the teacher had called Cas' mother. She'd been so proud and immediately arranged a play date. They never did much. Watched TV in silence. Every so often they would color together. Cas never really liked video games but he let them play the ones his mother had bought him. He was glad to see her happy.
Then one day they stopped coming over. They all refused to talk about it.
There had been a fight and broken furniture in the class room on the last day of school. It was the summer that would take them to different middle schools. They were sectioned off into four sister schools, but Cas at the very least, thought it was okay. He found new friends very quickly.
In 5th grade, after transferring schools for violence, he met Ellen, Rufus, and Meg. No one made phone calls about that though, they'd agree to only be friends when teachers weren't looking.
Middle school wasn't much better for him.
He made some more friends. It counteracted very well some of the people he'd re-acquainted himself with. Cas was even able to attend school with some of his siblings. It was a very serious issue. He hated being watched but had vague notions as to why. Constantly he felt whispers to lash out at them, but some of this new friends were right. If he wanted to be left alone. If he wanted to stop having those stupid ladies, with their stupid concerned faces, out of his life; he would have to do good. Now if only he could keep Lucie under control. One of his favorite partners in crime.
Hana and Rachel helped with that. And for a little bit he almost felt like he was just like everyone else; until his father called.
"Who is that?" Rachel asked, peering around the door. She was trying very intently to listen to the conversation.
"14 could go find out," Cas muttered, a lot of his friends had numbers. It just made sense.
Hana shakes his head and crawls closer to Cas, wrapping his arms around him. "You don't wanna know."
"Yes I do," Cas whispered back, trying to move towards the door. Rachel closes the door and stands in front of him.
"No, Cassie. No."
Cas throws Hana off and knocks Rachel aside, running through the door and ripped the phone from his mothers hand.
He dropped the phone once he heard his fathers voice. Cas runs to the bathroom, almost managing to lock it before Lucie comes in, having heard the commotion. He slams the door shut and locks it. "Why did you have to do that? He was gonna come back you know, things were going to be okay again and then you fucked it all up again."
Cas shook his head vigorously back and forth. "No no no no. He's mean."
"He's only mean because of you, he loves the rest of the family just fine. They love him just fine too, why do you think everyone left him him? Gabe only stayed because someone had to help mother. Don't you know it's illegal to throw kids into dumpsters? Someone had to save her from you."
"LIAR!"
"Prove it!" Lucie yells back and shoves at him, making Cas stumble backwards. He smacks his head against the edge of the bath tub as he trips into it. His head spins as he stumbles up, unlocking the door and forcing Lucie out. Just because he was a little older didn't make him right. He stared at his reflection, eyes bouncing around until he grabs the bottles of shampoo, conditioner and the special soap that his mother had for the bath tub.
The bottle reads bleach.
He feels dirty inside.
There's one way to make it clean. He knows because his friends are really smart.
That's how he ends up in the hospital. In a little room with another stupid lady and a nervous mother beside him. They keep him for two weeks because he has refused to show progress. Cas completely shuts down. Sometimes they hear him talking, when he's left in the common area while the adults go talking. But, everytime the nurse comes forward to ask him about it he quiets down. Whispering only a, "No one likes you."
After a brief investigation by Child Protective Services, to make sure the home life was stable, they send him home. Once the house and the mother and deemed stable environments. the medication starts again. Cas doesn't get to see his friends for awhile, but now he can feel worse things watching. Eyes that bore into him like the therapists. Like his mothers paranoid glances towards him. He knows he's being watched and they want to put him into that little white room again. He doesn't like how the little round pills make him feel. The one day that he gets to see Rachel, she takes one look at the pill and agrees. They look stupid.
They up him to a higher dosage of anti-depressant and give him valium to calm him down. School is about to start again and they need to see if he can be stable enough to be brought back to school. With his history of problems they had to be careful. Cas starts talking to things that his mother can't see the first night back and calls the hospital in a worry. They tell her it was probably the pills. She should be more careful on the timing of the medication so that they didn't overwhelm him by overlapping so much.
Cas is allowed to go back to school after answering a satisfactory amount of questions by his therapist and showing no violent or self destructive outbursts. He doesn't like his new classroom any better. He sees a few people he knows. Rachel and Hana shadow him into the room, they comment on the teachers rather pathetic appearance. He doesn't see Meg, Rufus, or Ellen anywhere.
It's all fun and games until Lucie sits down.
"She looks like a whore with an STD on her face," he says staring at the teacher intently as kids file into the classroom around them. They're at the way back, that's the way Cas likes it, but now it becomes more trouble than its worth. It means they're less likely to be overheard. Lucie can never shut up on first days. Not in years. "Remember when you bit that 3rd grade teacher who looked just as sad? You should hit her too. She's probably not a good person."
"Lucie, be quiet. That's bad. She seems fine," Cas argues back trying to bury his face into his book as the class settles down.
"Fine then I'll do it," Lucie says attempting to get up, but can't because Cas holds him down.
"No."
"You're just angry because I do all the things you want. It'd be fun to see her fall over," he grins with a flickering glow in his eyes.
"NO!" Cas yells slamming his fist on the table.
The rest of the class turns around to snicker at him. Some simply stare bewildered at his outbursts.
"Is there something you'd like to say?" the teacher asks him, arms crossed and clearly offended.
He almost defends himself, almost, but he remembers how that usually turns out. He's not a liar. But no one ever really believes him. "No ma'am." From then on when he passes those kids along in the hall they yell 'no' at him.
This goes on until he stabs one of the kids in the neck.
He'd let Lucie's whispers get to him and wanted the noises to stop following him home. 15 had even agreed with Lucie. The boy deserved it. He spends the rest of the year doing community service after school. With the threat of juvi at another fit, he agrees to a few months of isolated education and new pills.
By some miracle he makes it to high school, Gabriel even managed to get some free time to see him.
It started out as a good day.
"I really hope they haven't spread stories about my crazy yet," Cas mutters, depressed, to Rachel. He'd lied to his mother about taking his anti-depressant that day. He felt empty on them and Hana and Rachel didn't like to be around when he did. He liked having them around, he had so few friends.
"You're not crazy Cas," Rachel says with a gentle hand on his arm. He just runs a nervous hand through his hair, glancing around in paranoia, before clutching some of his books closer to him. Although he'd come early, the gates to the main areas of the school hadn't been opened yet.
"Cas?"
His head jumps up from his lap and Rachel moves back with Hana towards the corner. His lips twitch and spread into a smile. Puberty had come with a few interesting things for him. As if he wasn't socially destroyed enough, he'd found out by accident he liked men. Lucie still hadn't let that go.
All of a sudden he finds himself wishing he'd taken his medication and his friends look at him sadly, as if knowing what he was thinking (and they generally do.)
"Dean," he says stuffing his books back in his bag, hiding his hands inside of it and rubbing his finger tips against each other. It helped him with anxiety. He really liked the way Dean looked. Just about the same, but with more bulk and muscle and those gorgeous green eyes. He could never find any as green no matter how hard he'd tried to look.
"Good!" Dean laughed, and Cas remembered how much he liked that laugh, "I was worried for a little bit this was going to be one of those awkward little moments. Since, ya know, haven't seen each other since we were, christ, what? Forever?"
Cas nods nervously and his fingers move faster inside of the bag. Dean drops down next to him. "What are you doing here?" he whispers while sending him side long glances.
"Going to school?" he answers with another grin and a little raise of the eyebrow.
"Yes of course," and before Cas can think of anything clever to say a small bell sounds and the gates open to let kids through into the main hallways. Dean rises slowly and grabs his bag, clapping Cas gently on the shoulder. It's warm.
"See you later Cas."
He doesn't manage to see Dean for the rest of the day, but he does find himself running into Chuck and Ash while he tries to find refuge in the library during lunch. Cafeterias were still a little too much for him. They didn't look like they've changed much either. If he squinted he could maybe see a few more inches to Chuck, but mostly he's convinced they've both shrunk. They share a good conversation before one of the brings up the fight. The one that Cas has buried in a box and doesn't want to remember. It was so long ago, and they were oh so little. The atmosphere gets tense and the two leave the library at separate times, disappearing into the lunch room.
"Could've said something,," Lucie whispers into his ear, spooking Cas. The boy pouts, mats his hair down before his eyes, and concentrates on the book in front of him. "Oh, come on. Don't be like that. The fight was your fault even back then, could put some effort into fixing it. Now no one's got friends and I think Dean would hate you if he knew you were hanging out with them."
Cas's eyes widen with panic.
"Yeah that's right. And I heard the play by play. You're awful with conversations. Maybe it doesn't matter if you said anything to those two, he probably already thinks your an idiot," Lucie laughs as Hana and Rachel look guilty on the other side of the table. Of course they'd given him the full story. But he couldn't be mad at them. Lucie was very persuasive. Cas flinches as Lucie hits him across the head, a gesture that done lightly would've been almost endearing but left his head ringing with the force he had used.
"Go away," he mutters weakly, he was not going to cause a scene.
Not today.
His mother would be so upset.
Gabriel had come to see him too.
"I don't think so," Lucie whispers leaning in further.
Cas slams his book shut and storms out leaving confused looks behind him. He promised himself he'd take his medication the next morning.
He got upset but he didn't have tantrums when he was on them, and maybe if he didn't have tantrums Dean would want to be his friend again. The day was going so well.
Lucie is like a dog with a bone. He can't leave it alone and starts suggesting things about him and Dean that Cas was not ready to think about. But as he stands in the bathroom, washing his hands, he feels something stirring in his groin. Lucie laughs, an ugly sneer on his face.
Cas punches the mirror.
There''s a small crack in it and blood on his knuckle. Panicked little breaths escape him as he attempts to wash off the blood on the mirror and rushes out, praying that no one would see him sprinting out of it.
He makes it home and as he scoots himself into the passenger side of his mothers little Toyota, catches Dean near the football field. Of course he would be a player.
Cas takes his pills when they get to the kitchen and it makes his mother happy.
He talks about Dean, Chuck, and Ash, and it makes her happier. He mentions the library and Hana and Rachel. He keeps his hands tucked in the sleeves of his hoodie and doesn't talk about the bathroom. No matter what Lucie said he could do a little good.
Cas finds a list of after class activities to please his mother, claiming to be participating in them so that she would smile. She's been happier lately, he's talking more. She doesn't know he's been mixing pills. His mother also doesn't know that he spends the evenings watching for Dean.
Lucie calls him a stalker and slams his head into the brick wall that he's slowly creeping around, trying to see if Dean is there that day. Luci shoves him and he stumbles forward from behind the wall. He falls straight onto the pavement, scratching up his knee. He groans and looks at his torn jeans as Lucie walks away. "You're a bad person. I want Hana and Rachel around. You're bad like Jimmy was," Cas spits out.
"And we all miss Jimmy don't we. But... he was your favorite though, so what's that say about you?" Lucie shot back as he wandered off into the building.
There's silence.
"Hey, you okay?"
Cas's heart freezes and his fingers immediately become glued together. He had nothing to hide his nervous tick and panic swelled inside of him. "Fell," he mumbles stupidly at that perfect face.
That laugh.
"I can see that. Here," he reaches down to help Cas up. He takes it but pulls back his hand instantly once he has some balance. His muscle vibrate with nervous energy trying to sprint off. But Dean's eyes trap him where he is. Cas doesn't like being trapped.
"You're here pretty late," Dean says trying to start a conversation. Cas can almost imagine that this beautiful creature in front of him is nervous too.
"How would you know?" Cas shoots back, before his eyes dart around nervously. His stomach is clenched tightly as he examined what came out of his mouth. That was not what the little books his therapists had given him, on how to talk to people, said to do. Dean's cheeks seemed to turn pink for a little before he coughed and recovered.
"Well I'm usually around after school and I never see you so," he shrugs those broad shoulders.
"Oh." Cas nods. Good, now he needed words. More words. He just had to put them together. Words were easy. He knew so many of them. "Football?"
Dean turned around to glance at the field in the distance. He shakes his head. "Nah, I'm running errands."
"No practice today?" Cas asks shuffling his feet, his fingers twitching against each other. If Dean notices he says nothing.
"Practice? What? Oh I'm not actually a player. I stay after school since my brother's got a bunch after school activities. Waiting at the middle school would be boring," he says that big smile back on his face, "What made you think I played? It's the gorgeous body isn't it?" Dean mock flexed.
Cas thinks about bolting.
On one hand if he admits to Dean that he's been stalking him, well... Lucie's voice drills into the back of his head. But on the other hand, he knows boys don't say things like 'yes, you have a gorgeous body' to each other.
"You look good." Comes out of his mouth instead. He really did know how to fuck up the connection between his brain and his mouth. He expects everything that other little books, online books, told him happened to gay boys. He doesn't except the little excited glint in Dean's eyes that makes the gold flakes in it sparkle a little. The way his body seems to relax.
"You too."
When he gets home that day, after his dose of afternoon pills, he motor mouths to his mother about Dean. He freezes up, knocking over a pitcher of juice into the sink, when she brings up wanting to invite him over.
"Okay honey, he doesn't have to," she immediately says, hand hovering in the air wondering if it was going to be another episode night. It had been weeks since anything in the house had been broken. Cas just nods and locks himself in his room. When his mother hears quiet laughter coming from behind the locker door she calms down. He had recently gotten lock privileges back and as far as she knew that happy sounding laughter meant he wasn't going to do anything to himself.
Dean and Cas make a habit of meeting after school.
Dean generally spent his time neglecting to do any actual work and Castiel spent it worrying that he was going to get Dean in trouble. It's becoming just about perfect. If only Lucie, Hana and Rachel could stop trailing behind him everywhere. Even if he liked Hana and Rachel.
Even the first time they kiss they're not alone, but if Dean notices them hovering around in the background, lurking, he never says anything. When Cas goes home he gets into a throwing match of items with Lucie. His mother makes him another therapy appointment.
Then one day, when the pills have run out, and even Rachel is in a bad mood, he has a public episode.
It was Lucie's fault really.
But no one listens to a liar, so he doesn't even try. The entire school has heard about it by the end of the day, and of course old whispers from middle school come up. He spends the day hiding in random closest and escaping the various teachers prowling around looking for him. Cas knows his mother will get a phone call about the flipped desk. That he had 'skipped' school. The look she's going to give him already makes him want to carve out his chest.
"Maybe you should," Lucie whispers before he leaves the corner behind the curtains in their auditorium, after finding him there.
That's where Dean finds him too, with twitchy nervous hands. Cas refuses to look up, he doesn't want to see that look. If he gets that look from Dean he just might die. Lucie's 'maybe you should' rings in his head.
"You okay?"
Cas nods stiffly.
He feels Dean crouch down next to him and gently pry his head from the safety of his arms. Dean tilts Cas' head up towards him. He almost does cry. The warm concern in those green eyes made his heart ache.
"Liar," Dean says running that gentle hand through Cas's hair. Bad memories of the word fly out of his brain but he fights them down, clinging to those warm green eyes for safety. He stays silent while Dean envelops him in a gentle hug. "It's okay."
"That I'm crazy?" Cas mumbles into that sensible shoulder.
"You're not crazy," Dean responds, rubbing loving circles on his back.
"I'm sure you've heard about all of it by now." Cas takes a heavy, shuddering breath.
"Nah I know, we were in the special class together, remember?" Cas is touched that Dean does. "I know you're not crazy. Having issues doesn't make you crazy." They kiss, and for another moment Dean has made everything okay. Then he hears Lucie's laughter and freezes, bolting up. He runs over to the edge of the room, grabbing him by the shoulder, and running off before something could come out of the devil's mouth. He doesn't look back as Dean stares in confusion at their back's.
It was about time they ran into each other. With all the hovering he'd been doing to them it was bound to happen.
Dean tried to bring up the little incident over and over again after, but Cas would have none of it. Not that he was able to respond most day. The new meds he was on really did a number on him. Despite that, Dean stayed with him, and no one really paid attention to them when they were together. People would occasionally stop to give him weird looks but he was glad that none of that had rained on Dean yet. Small blessings.
He could handle the comments and the stares, since not one of them had ever been directed at Dean. In fact sometimes no one ever really looked at him at all. Like he had a cloak of invisibility. He giggled as his brain imagined himself with nerdy little glasses and a scar across his forehead, skulking around an ancient castle. He was eased off of the meds about halfway into their sophomore year. Just in time for Cas to be coherent the first time Dean and him explored each other.
His mother would be late home so he had taken a risk and taken the bus with Dean to his house.
They lay panting in bed next to each other, fingers twined together. He had locked Hana, Rachel, and Lucie into the study with the TV in the living room on. He'd made it very clear he wanted nothing interrupted. Hana had agreed to keep Lucie in check.
It was the most peaceful he'd felt in years. They hadn't made it to full blown sex, true, but they were both fine with that. Touches were just okay for both of them. Gentle teasing, and sometimes beautifully rough. Cas discovered many new touches. He found he liked Dean's version of pinching a lot more. They smiled at each other and shared another tender kiss before Cas rolled over to grab his phone off of the floor. His smile faded into panic. His mother would be home soon.
"What's wrong babe?"
Cas just shook his head and found Dean's bag and shoes throwing it at him. "You need to leave."
He expected argument, but Dean just stood up confused, heading for the door. Cas held it open for him.
That was another thing he loved about Dean. He got it. Dean took all of his quirks in with one go. His violent tantrums and screaming matches in the bathroom. When he argued with Lucie and now sometimes Rachel too. She didn't like Dean. He hurries Dean to the front door, tugging it open and shoving him out,. "Out of sight, now," he whispers panicked, as he glances at the winding hill at the top of the entrance to their neighborhood. A red car appears in the distance.. "I'm sorry, you'll have to find a ride home."
"It's cool, I'll just call my dad," Dean responds, giving Cas a kiss and making his way from the door and down the street.
Before Cas can manage to get the door fully closed and escape, his mother is there, stepping out of the car. She walks in with a confused look on her face. "I could've sworn I just saw you outside honey, what were you doing?" she asked setting down her work briefcase. "Were you waiting for someone? You were looking at something awfully intently." There's worry in her voice. The medicine should be working.
Cas just shakes his head and tries to take off. After a good 16 years of this his mother can tell a lost cause on a conversation when she sees one. She gives up quickly. But, there are important plans to share and she can't let him slink off to his room just yet. Otherwise, she wouldn't be sure if he'd heard her or not "Okay baby, but hold on," she says reaching out her arm but thinking better of it when Cas flinches away from her.
No touching today.
"I know you don't like doing much but Michael's bringing the kids over. You haven't seen any of them in years. And I know it's hard. But... I talked to Miss Linda-" she was Cas's favorite therapist so far "-and she says it's a good idea. Depending on how you handle it we can look at changing to less pills? Less pills is good right? How's that sound?"
If his mothers eyes hadn't been so pleading, and he wasn't starting to hear the sounds of scuffling from the study, he might've fought her on it.
"Okay."
The next morning he'd found he highly regretted his choice.
During the thirty minute car drive he had plenty of time to dwell on the last time he'd seen them and the bad memories that came with it. He'd had to take his special anxiety pills that morning before piling into the car. His stomach was in knots by the time they got out of the car. Silently they stood in front of the restaurant. He saw Michael first. Had he always had such dark hair? He seemed older, way too old. He marched over in big strides and lifted Cas into a huge hug, pulling back as he felt Cas tense. "Sorry kiddo, I forgot," he said pulling back.
"It's okay," Cas mumbled. It'd been awhile since he'd heard his brother say that.
He waved shyly at Anna as she emerged, they'd both been so young the last time they'd seen each other. He peered around them as they began to move towards the restaurant.
"Where's Jimmy?" he blurted out.
They all stopped confused and turned to him. "Jimmy?"
"How could you forget Jimmy?" he said turning around anger swelling up in his chest like a tidal wave.
"Honey, I think you're too old for imaginary friends," his mother said sweetly, nervous eyes darting around.
"He's not imaginary! How can you say that?! How could a mother forget about her own child! You're awful!" he screamed out, breaking.
Michael whispered to Anna to go back to the car as Cas deteriorated into a fit. "LUCIE WAS RIGHT. YOU'RE A BAD PERSON. A BAD PERSON. But I always stood up for you!" He continued, bellowing, collapsing to the ground.
"Honey, baby," his mother tried, slowly inching forward to him. She was scared that he was going to hurt her but needed to stop him from making his fists bloody on the ground. Michael caught her eye and dove in behind Cas, holding onto the failing arms tightly. It had been years since he'd had to do that.
It was not something he missed doing.
They managed to drag him to the car and after a few minutes he was breathing a little calmer. He was livid and shaking. They glanced at each other, nervous. They didn't dare mention Jimmy again but nervous flutters were passing in their stomachs.
"Hey kiddo... who's Lucie?" Michael asks gently, ready to grab a hold of his little brother again. Cas sniffs and looks at him, "You don't know him. He came around after you left. We're friends, he visits all the time. So do Rachel and Hana and mom lets them sleep over a lot. But you bet you forget them too didn't you," he hisses at his mother.
Cas watches as his mothers lower lip quivers and turns to his brother, whose eyes are wide and panicked.
"I think we should get home. I'll go fetch Anna and call Gabriel. He should be able to make it down in a few days. I think we need to go talk to Linda again," Michael says strangely softly as he gets out of the car. Cas is too bewildered to keep yelling at his mother as they drive home in silence.
Schizophrenia.
It was never a word that Cas had come across.
Never been suggested.
His mother took him out of school for a few weeks as Cas went through several tests and sessions. He had more outbursts as they tried to tell him that the people he'd grown up with weren't real. They were all just bad people lying to him. And this time, Hana, Lucie, and Rachel all agree. They never agree on anything. The adults were just playing a big game of pretend.
He was left at the psychiatric center for a few weeks after he had completely shut down talking about it to the people. He was getting tired of the questions.
Towards the end of the second week, heavily dosed with pills, he had his first small flicker inside of himself that maybe... they weren't as real as he thought. Rachel seemed to flicker in and out of existence in the bathroom mirror. With the small progress they'd been making they tentatively promised him that he could go home.
He was sitting in at the kitchen table when the knock on the door came. The therapist handed him a paper and said some words as Cas ripped it open. It was the roster for the registrations for classes at his 5th grade elementary school, for his extra class he had to take with the quiet teacher and the even quieter class room. No such person as Meg had ever existed. There was an Ellen but no Rufus. He couldn't find Ash on the list. He tore up the pages refusing to look further. His heart hammered in his chest.
He felt sick, very sick. And all of a sudden Lucie was back, and so was Jimmy, peeking out from behind the chair the therapist was in, grinning. He was going to throw up. He couldn't.
"Dean's not real either," Lucie said picking little Jimmy up.
Cas bolted from the chair, none of his family members being fast enough to catch him.
He ran to the bathroom and locked the door. But Lucie was there again, little Jimmy in tow. With horror he realized he'd always opened and closed the doors for them.
His eyes were blurring and as he closed them, he could smell Dean's particular blend of cologne.
Hear those sweet little things they whispered to each other.
No.
He screamed as Lucie laughed, egging him on.
He ripped the mirror off the wall throwing it to the ground.
He couldn't look, he wouldn't.
Cas turned on the straightener his mother had started leaving out again.
First, he picked up the shards and dug them into his ears. Maybe if he had no ear drums he wouldn't be able to hear them.
His family pounded at the door, he could barely hear them calling 911.
After awhile, the straightener heated up. Small bits of steam rose from the metal.
He snapped it open wide. The natural shape of it wouldn't work. All the while screaming and crying, he placed the hot metal across his eyes. Maybe if he didn't have eyes he wouldn't be able to see them.
The door crashed open... and maybe, if Cas could still hear, the sobs of his family would've made him stop screaming and thrashing on the floor.
When Cas next became aware of the world, he was in a bed that was unfamiliar and feeling extremely fuzzy. Pain killers. He tried to open his eyes but realized he couldn't.
"You burnt them you idiot," a mocking voice whispers to him.
'No'.
"Yes."
He struggled with his arms but realized they were restrained.
Of course they are. Lucie laughs again.
Slowly the memories come rushing back as he struggles.
He stops moving once he senses movement in the room.
It's a familiar smell.
A warm hand touches his bare arm and he tenses.
Cas doesn't think he can handle more of this.
"This isn't the worst part," Lucie whispers to him.
'How is it not?'
He feels 'Dean' move closer to him.
He's close enough that Cas can feel that familiar rise and fall of his chest.
No wonder 'Dean' was so perfect.
But when he feels that chest start to rumble, a familiar comforting purr that accompanies Dean's voice... and he hears nothing... Lucie laughs.
"This is the worst part. I lied."
A/N: I did some research into schizophrenia and it's a damn complicated disorder. There are like 4 main types and one of them is essentially just a "random" category. The symptoms and personal psychosis have a massive range. I should mention that most schizophrenics aren't violent, generally the worst cases are, especially if it's early onset, because maturity level doesn't help that at all. Generally schizophrenia isn't diagnosed until adulthood, earliest case ever officially diagnosed was a six year old girl. Watched a few documentaries and I've noticed especially in kids there are a lot of numbers that are real, like … animorphic. Some people can see animals or numbers and other inanimate objects and some see people. Hallucinations aren't always there, the worse it is of course, well, kinda self explanatory. Actually when it comes down to it MOST cases only have auditory hallucinations. A lot of them are reclusive as Cas was tho' every case is different. This is a medley of some of the worse symptoms, especially in someone that doesn't socialize a lot and doesn't talk it's hard to figure out that there's something wrong with a person at all. I re-iterate; visual hallucinations while common are generally not the norm, I think the highest rated schizophrenia is paranoid and it's mainly voices. You can look up more info yourself and do some research on it on your own time if you'd like, but out of nowhere I just really needed to write this. Hope ya'll enjoyed, reviews are appreciated.