Sooo…I'm sick of boo-hoo suicidal Canada. We don't like being called Americans and no we don't get a lot of global recognition, but for the most part we just say fuck it, get a drink, and promptly go out and do something stupid or dangerous for shits and giggles. Like tying a g.t. to a snowmobile or 4-wheeler and taking them for a run through the mud. Stupid but fun as all hell! We don't wanna take a knife and open our veins. We just want to have some fun! And laugh about it.
Matthew was slowly turning red. Shoulders shaking and his breathing had all but stopped. The rest of the people in the room were looking on in concern. He leaned, rather heavily, against the pulpit in the front of the conference room. His papers, more importantly his speech (the one he was suppose to be giving to the world meeting) fell to the floor as he collapsed to his knees, hitting his head on the way down. Several nations stood up but they all looked unsure as to what they should do to help the Canadian. Both Irelands started to giggle as Wales put her hand over her mouth to stifle her own. Scotland rolled his eyes, stood up and walked over to the poor Canuk, muttering about concussions.
"For the love of…Cough lad, your turn'n purple already." Matthew looked up at his uncle through watery eyes. Doing as he was told he managed to weakly laugh and gasp for air.
"Going…to…kill them…kill them all…" Scotland picked up the papers that were scattered on the floor. Looking over them, he started to chuckle.
"Well now, can't say I blame you."
Manitoba was drunk. While this condition was nowhere new to her, she was also hopped up on sugar. Hindsight, which is always 20/20, could've told her dumping that much vodka into each of the countless slurpees she had been sucking back was, in fact, a very bad idea. It was how many 4 am perogie fires were created. However hindsight, or foresight for that matter, where not Manitoba's strongest trait. Winnipeg was the slushie capitol of the world, goddamn it, and she was it's queen… Or part of the problem; she could never remember which…None the less she had to find the others and 'convince' them that her idea (better known as the vague concept rolling around in her pickled brain) was the best thing since ever.
…
…
…
She was going to need more vodka.
…
A lot more vodka.
"Well well, looks like the Buffalo-fucker is on another bender. Will surprises never end." Saskatchewan snarked at the Manitoban woman.
"Fuck off, eh? Gapper bitch!" Manitoba snapped at the other female. The rest of the provinces and territories all ignored the two bickering prairie provinces. Shouts of "Juice Pig" and "Flat whore" echoed in the room for awhile before North West Territories stood up, consequently towering over all the others, and physical separated the two.
(N'We't was at one time two-thirds of the northern shield and even after Nunavut woke up he retained his rather huge size.)
"I have the best idea." 'Toba deadpanned, glowering in the direction of 'Wan. "But it's going to take some vodka. Or rum. Maybe whiskey, hey, where's the whiskey?"
Ontario immediately went into full lecture mode while Quebec laughed and went to collected the shot glasses and the whiskey. He took a minute to admire the bottle, shaped like a maple leaf, and more importantly the whiskey inside. 'Toba's ideas where always fun, as long as they came with some liquor. Newfoundland and Labrador both went to find their screech, both in the same frame of mind as 'Bec. B.C. smirked around his joint. Maybe today wouldn't suck as much as he thought.
Scotland chuckled as he read through the drunken scribbling and drawings of the Canadians. Slurs against each other and other countries were the most common, as well as rough sketches of … things, though the captions below them were absolutely useless. The faint smell of alcohol drifted off the papers. He came to the last paper and stared.
"Wha the…? Good god what won't he put maple syrup in?"
On the last page, peeled from the maple leaf whiskey bottle, was the label that simply read 'Sweet Sipping Canadian Maple Whiskey'.
If you want to see some Canadian humor at it's best, or most free at any rate, go to you tube and type in Video On Trial or umokthenok. Good times. This is what we do in our free time. Hutzah!