Speedy's Little Problem
by malkshake
One day in Little Tokyo, the Samurai Pizza Pussies were getting high and buying sex from Lucille. Speedy, however, was sad. He had erectile dysfunction and couldn't have sex with Lucille, like everyone else could. Guido noticed Speedy was sad and decided to cheer his retarded friend up. "Hey Speedy, want my fleshlight?" "Uh no thanks Guido" "Why not?" "Guido, I have a problem" Speedy confessed. "Oh Speedy" said Guido, relieved and overjoyed, "I love you too, and I want to marry you and have your babies". "Wait, what?" Speedy asked. "Oh...um, nothing" said Guido, embarrassed. "So what's your problem?" "I can't get an erection" Speedy mumbled. "What?" Guido asked. Suddenly Speedy grabbed Guido by the throat and said in a demonic voice "You heard me you motherfucker. I can't get a fucking boner. If you tell anyone about this, I will rip your spine out through your ass". "Whoa Speedy. Don't get all PMS-y over this shit. You aren't Polly". Polly heard this and because she is a PMSing hormonal lesbian bitch, she charged at Guido. Guido reached for his gay parasol thing which is apparently his "weapon", but he couldn't find it. Little did he know it was up Spritz's ass, as Spritz is a sexually frustrated flaming homo. Thinking fast, Guido grabbed Francine and held her up a shield, cuz no one liked or cared about her. Polly ripped Francine's heart out and ate it. "Quick, Guido, run!" Speedy squealed and they both shot off in their gay canon thing. Who blasted them off you may ask? It was Guru Lou. He hated the Pizza Cats, except for Polly, for he wanted to bang her like a screen door in a hurricane, and hoped that they would crash and die. They didn't, though.
Once they landed, Speedy and Guido were bored and decided to discuss Speedy's little "problem". "There are pills you can buy for it, so you can get a stiffy" Guido explained to Speedy. "Oh cool, I want some of that shit" Speedy said happily, "I wonder if General Catton will sell me some?" "No Speedy. This shit is legal" Guido explained. "Holy shit! I've never done legal pills before" Speedy replied happily. So they robbed a pharmacy and took some Viagra for Speedy and also a shitload of other drugs. Then, still on a robbery high, they robbed a liquor store as wel. They each snorted some Prozac, drank some booze and got really hammered, and then Speedy downed the whole economy sized bottle of Viagra. "I don't think you're supposed to take that much" Guido said. "Fuck you Guido" Speedy slurred "or I'll rip your ass out through your spine". Then he passed out. "Oh shit!" said Guido, and started giving Speedy "mouth to mouth". He slipped him a little tongue and then accidentally puked in Speedy's mouth.
While that was happening, the queer whore Big Cheese and his sex slave crows were coming up with a plan to seize control of the gayass city, in between bouts of hot rambunctious sex. "How about a robot with a giant dong to rape everyone?" Bad Bird suggested. "That's it!" said the Big Cheese. Because they were Japanese, robots and rape, especially rape of underage girls, was something they knew a lot about. So they quickly contructed it and got to work.
Meanwhile, back at wherever Speedy and Guido were, Speedy woke up. "Speedy! You're alive" Guido yelled happily. "What the fuck?" Speedy said and puked from Guido's vomit, which was still in his throat. Suddenly Speedy's armor exploded and his 200 foot meat pole was revealed. "Holy shit!" Guido exclaimed "I never knew your cock was that huge!" "I guess I'm fucked until the Viagra wears off" Speedy said sadly. "Well, you could do something with your boner" Guido said seductively. So Speedy sheathed his sword.
Suddenly the ground shook. "What the fuck is going on?" Speedy said. Suddenly a giant robot with a huge pen0r came out of the trees. The Big Cheese jumped out of the cockpit, although he himself is a cockpit. "Hahaha, pussy mofos, I will rape everyone in this queer ass city! You cannot stop me!" and then he got back in the robot and started to leave. "Oh no! We can't let him get away with this!" Speedy shouted. "But how will we defeat him? The robot's wang is too huge!" Guido said sadly. "Wait! My wang is just as large! We could get into an epic penis battle!" They both did a gay victory dance and then Speedy shouted at the robot "Wait! I challenge you to a..........PENIS BATTLE!"
"Oh really? Your skinny white kitty cock is nothing compared to my thick metallic robo-dick!" the Big Cheese said. So they go into a penis fight. Speedy and Big Cheese made light saber sounds as they whapped their dicks against each other. Unfourtunately, the Big Cheese's robot dick was shittly attached, and it fell off. Seeing that the robot was vulnerable, Speedy raped it. He raped that shit so hard it fell apart. "Fuck you!" squealed the Big Cheese in annoyance, and exploded for no reason. "Yay!" Guido and Speedy yelled and skipped around, and Little Tokyo was saved, all because of a little blue pill known as Viagra.
The end.