HOSHIGAKI KISAME: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Disclaimer: This authoress does not own Naruto or any of the respective characters. The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual series format belongs to Theresa Green.
A/N: Written because Kisame needs more love XD
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a HOSHIGAKI KISAME unit! To unlock the full potential of your very own Shark Nin, read the following manual with care, as misuse of the HOSHIGAKI KISAME will prove hazardous to your health.
Technical SpecificationsName: Hoshigaki Kisame (AKA the Scourge –or Monster– of the Hidden Mist. Will respond to "Kisame-san", but can also be programmed to respond to pet names such as "Sharky" and "Dreamboat".)
Age: 29 (or 31 if you purchased the Shippuuden version)
Place of Manufacture: Hidden Mist Village, Genetic Accidents Division.
Height: 195 cm (or 1.95 m)
Weight: 83 kg
Length: Big and scaly.
Your HOSHIGAKI KISAME comes with the following accessories:
One Mist Hitai-ate
One Pair White Legwarmers
One Pair White Armwarmers
One Pair Navy Blue Sandals
One Shade Hat With Bells/Chimes (ribbons optional)
One Akatsuki Cloak©
One Akatsuki 'South' Ring (worn on left ring finger)
One Samehada©
One Bottle Purple Nail Polish
One Bottle Industrial-Strength Hair Gel
The rest of his outfit (i.e. everything under the cloak) is a complete mystery. He may be completely naked, but we doubt it. If he is naked underneath the cloak, hazard a guess at his size and purchase an outfit for him, or take him on a shopping trip to the local mall to choose his own clothes. We strongly advise against buying designer labels because KISAME units are made to be resilient and will ruin expensive clothing when they pursue other units for maiming and killing purposes. Besides, your KISAME is already as cool as he can get with his spiky blue hair and limited edition Akatsuki Cloak©.
Removing your HOSHIGAKI KISAME from his boxPlace the box in the centre of the room and retreat to a safe distance before performing the Akatsuki Summoning Jutsu© (the instructions and handseals for this jutsu are explained in an easy-to-read picture guide illustrated on the box). After a period of exactly five seconds, a huge, bandaged sword should chop through the cardboard, leaving a hole large enough for your HOSHIGAKI KISAME to climb out safely.
WARNING: Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to help him in any way during this important transition! HOSHIGAKI KISAME units need to struggle and build up massive amounts of chakra to survive in environments outside of their boxes.
If, for some reason, you cannot hear any sound from inside the box once you have performed the Akatsuki Summoning Jutsu©, there is a good chance that your HOSHIGAKI KISAME was packaged without his Samehada© and is unable to tear his way out. Or he might be dead. Either way, send him back for a replacement.
ProgrammingYour HOSHIGAKI KISAME has been programmed with a number of useful functions and modes, each designed to maximise your own benefit and pleasure:
Assassin: All HOSHIGAKI KISAME units are members of the most elite, badass organisation on the planet, the Akatsuki, so you can be assured of serious ass kicking. Using his vast amounts of chakra, dismembering skills and huge-ass sword, your Shark nin will easily make your enemies disappear, or disguise their deaths as freak wave accidents. Alternatively, hire out his services, but take the money away from him and give it to a KAKUZU unit – this masked shinobi is obsessed with money and will keep perfect bank records and protect your savings with his life.
Pool Boy: Being half-shark and a Mist nin, HOSHIGAKI KISAME units have a natural affinity with water, which makes them excellent caretakers for swimming pools. He will have no trouble keeping water levels constant with his collection of water element jutsus, and trapping leaves and dirt with the Hydro Prison technique.
WARNING: Do not expect your KISAME to wear a thong while cleaning out your pool – yes, pool boys do it in the movies, but your eyes may be burned out of your skull at the sight of a half-shark, half-man in a thong, you will become emotionally scarred (possibly for life), and the KISAME may run away in shame.
Retriever: Do you have a sudden urge to possess an UZUMAKI NARUTO unit? Did the adorable kitsune down the street catch your eye? Simply dispatch your KISAME with orders to retrieve the Kyuubi, and he will bring you your new unit in no time! Note: it is extremely important that you emphasise you want the unit intact, or your KISAME may bring the UZUMAKI NARUTO in bloody bits and pieces.
Flotation Device: Sick of purchasing new pool toys every year? Want something hardier and longer lasting than cheap plastic? The HOSHIGAKI KISAME is an excellent swimmer, extremely durable, and of a large enough size for you or children to sit on! Caution: It is vital that the KISAME be supervised when in the pool with small children. Accident can happen, and it would be troublesome to explain why there are little bathing suits floating in the water, but no children.
Your HOSHIGAKI KISAME will come with the following modes:
Sadistic (default)
Psychotic
Polite and Calm (default)
Cold-blooded
Homicidal
Slash (locked)
Out of Character (locked)
HOSHIGAKI KISAME units are S-ranked criminals and members of the Akatsuki – how do you expect someone like that to have a sweet and gentle nature? These units maim and kill by default, so accept his homicidal tendencies and murderous urges. Then again, if your KISAME sees how much you love him, he may try to keep the body count down to a minimum just to make you happy. Alternatively, give him a good whack on the nose (the shark equivalent of a kick in the nuts) to make him behave.
To unlock the Out of Character mode, simply deprive your HOSHIGAKI KISAME of any activity that involves profuse amounts of blood and death, or force him to watch Naruto fillers non-stop.
To unlock his Slash mode, sit your KISAME in front of the TV and introduce him to the Discovery Channel. More specifically, a program about sharks hunting. And mating. After a few hours of that, your Mist nin should be hot and raring to go! We then advise setting him up with someone able to withstand his strength and fight back, such as an UCHIHA ITACHI unit – the HOSHIGAKI KISAME will probably kill anyone else. This method will also work if you wish for your unit to 'date' a female model, but ensure that she is at least jounin level, such as the YUUHI KURENAI.
Relations with other unitsUCHIHA ITACHI: Brooding, sexy and dangerous, the oddly blank-faced UCHIHA ITACHI is not a unit to be taken lightly – he killed his best friend to get his hands on the Mangekyou Sharingan© ability and then wiped out his entire clan without blinking an eye. Fortunately for you, this (shared psychosis and disregard for family) makes him the perfect partner for your HOSHIGAKI KISAME! An UCHIHA ITACHI will aid KISAME units on missions, and make sure that the KISAME doesn't get itself killed.
UZUMAKI NARUTO: The Kyuubi inside this hyper lil' fox-nin is the target of your HOSHIGAKI KISAME, and unless a JIRAIYA is around to protect him, the NARUTO will quickly become fish food. Please note that the UZUMAKI NARUTO has no chance of beating the HOSHIGAKI KISAME, even with his famous Life-Changing Motivational Speaker mode (this mode is only really effective against HYUUGA NEJI and SABAKU NO GAARA units).
MAITO GAI: This Konoha Taijutsu specialist is freakishly attached to green spandex and has an annoying habit of bursting into joyous tears and ranting about the "Springtime of Youth". This, and the fact that he succeeded in kicking the Shark nin in the face, will probably piss the HOSHIGAKI KISAME off to no end and he will delight in chasing after GAI units, and beating up any HYUUGA NEJI, TENTEN and ROCK LEE units that get in his way.
AKATSUKI LEADER: This mysterious hawk-eyed nin is one of the only units besides an UCHIHA ITACHI that your KISAME will listen to. If you find that your KISAME is refusing to respond to your commands, purchase an AKATSUKI LEADER unit, or the Akatsuki Leader Cosplay Set©. This clever dress-up kit allows you to manipulate your Shark Nin in the guise of the LEADER unit without the risk of having the real AKATSUKI LEADER turn on you!
ZETSU: This schizophrenic Grass nin is quite handy to have around when your HOSHIGAKI KISAME has one of his frequent little "accidents" that result in bodies lying everywhere. A ZETSU unit will happily get rid of all the incriminating evidence, leaving you and your KISAME in the clear.
MOMOCHI ZABUZA: A former member of the Seven Shinobi Lords, this deceased nin is not particularly important to the KISAME since he regards the ZABUZA unit as a "kid". So give up trying to shock your unit with news of his ex-team-mate's death – you are far more likely to get results if you announce the death of an UCHIHA ITACHI. If he cries for the ITACHI (though this event is highly unlikely, a sensitive soul might be lurking underneath that bloodthirsty and sadistic exterior), comfort him with a hug.
AKATSUKI VALUE PACK: (includes AKATSUKI LEADER, UCHIHA ITACHI and ZETSU units). This special package includes the HIDAN, KAKUZU, SASORI, DEIDARA and TOBI units. The Akatsuki organisation is made up of extremely volatile S-ranked criminals, so it might not be such a good idea to have them all gather under one roof: KAKUZU units have a rather nasty habit of killing their partners, and he might decide to turn on the mortal members if they get in the way of him and a money-making opportunity. DEIDARA units get excited from explosions, and they are fond of making random objects 'go boom', and a HIDAN will probably perform one of his rituals in the bedroom, splattering blood all over your bed. So while it may seem fun and exciting to have the Akatsuki gather in your house, it could get real ugly, real quick.
CleaningHOSHIGAKI KISAME units have a natural attraction to water, so you will find that your Mist nin will spend a large amount of time in the bath/shower (although this is still nowhere near HIDAN units), and clean himself. Caution: KISAME units can become very territorial, so it might be a good idea to warn people before they use your bathroom. He may just hide behind the shower curtain, waiting for the right moment to strike… or he could use his shinobi skills to plant traps in the toilet. Either way, someone is going to get a nasty shock.
FeedingFor your own and the safety of those around you, it is important to feed your HOSHIGAKI KISAME on a daily basis. If you forget to feed him, he may eat your furniture, the cat or Grandma. KISAME units are also natural hunters, and will be quite happy to catch and cook their own food, but this may cause problems when local pet populations start dropping at alarming rates. So feed your Shark nin three balanced meals per day, and give him a bone or an UZUMAKI NARUTO to gnaw on when he complains of hunger or boredom.
RestYour HOSHIGAKI KISAME will be equally comfortable sleeping in a bed or the bathtub. If you want cuddle next to your KISAME, we advise against sleeping on a waterbed; he might rip through the plastic in a frenzied attempt to get to the water. Alternatively, let him sleep in the garden pond – but whack him on the nose first to discourage him from eating your goldfish.
Frequently Asked QuestionsQ: Can I hire out my HOSHIGAKI KISAME as a lifeguard in the summer?
A: Um, no. Your Shark nin is more likely to drown them himself than save them. And if you ever let him watch Jaws, then definitely forget it. If you really want him to earn money, use his Assassin function and hire him out to kill people.
Q: All my KISAME wants to do is kill people, and he spends all his free time thinking up new ways to torture and mutilate his victims! How do I get him to focus on my needs?
A: The first thing you need to realise is that this is natural behaviour for your KISAME. You could force him to pay attention to you (with the help of an UCHIHA ITACHI or AKATSUKI LEADER, obviously), or you could join him in his murderous rampages. Attempting to guilt-trip your unit will not work, as your complaining will only piss off the KISAME and get you a close encounter with a Samehada©.
Q: I really want an UZUMAKI NARUTO, but whenever I send my KISAME to retrieve one, he comes back half-dead and stinking like frog guts! What can I do? The dry-cleaning bills for his cloak are driving me up the wall!
A: Sounds like he encountered a JIRAIYA unit while trying to retrieve the UZUMAKI NARUTO. To ensure the safety of your unit, send an UCHIHA ITACHI with him next time. Even though these two units combined will not be able to defeat the JIRAIYA and capture the NARUTO, the UCHIHA ITACHI will unleash his Amaterasu© ability to burn an escape hole in the toad intestines, allowing your KISAME to return home relatively unscathed. It would be best if you just bought a brand-new UZUMAKI NARUTO – actually, it would be better not to. Your KISAME will probably mutilate and kill it. If you really want a cute unit to cuddle, buy a DEIDARA or TOBI.
Q: Can I play with my KISAME unit's Samehada©?
A: Well, that depends: would you mind being one hand short for the rest of your life? Seriously, playing with a Samehada© is extremely dangerous, since the sword is sentient and will only let your HOSHIGAKI KISAME handle it. If you value your limbs, settle for playing with a plastic model from the local toy store.
Q: Some chick showed up on my doorstep with a HARUNO SAKURA unit and is demanding that I send my HOSHIGAKI KISAME out. Who the hell is she and what does she want with my KISAME?
A: Some fangirls seem to think that a HOSHIGAKI KISAME can actually fall in love with a HARUNO SAKURA unit, and unfortunately one has located you. Get rid of her by giving her exactly what she wants: open the door and let your KISAME rush out to grab the SAKURA, and this is where the fun starts! What follows will be quick, violent and bloody – and depending on whether your KISAME brought his Samehada© with him, the SAKURA may or may not have her head afterwards. (Note: the manufacturers have nothing personal against HARUNO SAKURA units. But seriously, a HOSHIGAKI KISAME is more likely to slaughter a SAKURA than fall in love with her.)
To discourage unwanted visitors in the future, post a warning sign on your front gate saying: "BEWARE: I AM ON GUARD" with a picture of your KISAME beneath it.
Q: My KISAME is making my whole house smell like fish! Help!
A: Have you been giving your unit regular baths? HOSHIGAKI KISAME units only start smelling fishy when they haven't been cleaned properly in some time, but this could indicate a glitch in his system because they usually clean themselves. Get an UCHIHA ITACHI to knock him out with Sharingan© so you can fix/reprogram him, or get the ITACHI to force him into a bathtub so you can give him a good scrubbing.
Q: When my KISAME unit started losing his teeth, I thought he was just going through puberty or something, but they just keep falling out of his mouth! Will they grow back, or am I stuck with a toothless shinobi?
A: This is perfectly natural. Sharks lose teeth all the time, and your HOSHIGAKI KISAME is no different. They will definitely grow back, probably bigger and shinier than before!
Troubleshooting
Problem: You sent your HOSHIGAKI KISAME to bed, but found him floating in the pool the next morning; his face and gills are green and he seems to be, well, dead.
Solution: It takes a lot more than a chlorine overload to kill a HOSHIGAKI KISAME (as you may have unfortunately discovered if you were trying to dispose of him). Drag him out of the pool, dunk him in the nearest freshwater creek and watch him slowly revive. Please note that KISAME units should be restricted to sleeping in beds, bathtubs and freshwater ponds only – he should only be allowed in swimming pools for brief periods of recreation!
Problem: You left your KISAME alone in the house for a day, and came back to find legs that look suspiciously like they belong to UZUMAKI NARUTO units scattered everywhere.
Solution: This annoying habit can become a problem, especially if those legs belong to the neighbourhood UZUMAKI NARUTO units. Discipline your KISAME by banning him from watching the Discovery Channel, and if that fails, get your UCHIHA ITACHI to threaten him with Tsukuyomi©. Also, make sure that your HOSHIGAKI KISAME is suitably entertained before you leave him alone, such as giving him a Team 7 Playset© to chew on/play with.
Final NoteWith much love and care, your HOSHIGAKI KISAME will grow up to be a full-fledged monster –well, more of a monster, anyway– and provide you and your descendents with many wonderful yet terrifying memories. To ensure that your loyal Shark nin is well cared for after your death, remember to state in your will which of your children will inherit the HOSHIGAKI KISAME.