Random Stupidity No: 2. This is what happens when you write at 3am after a conversation on the KAST about Kaidan's booty. Once again my apologies for the liberties I've taken with characters, especially poor Kaidan.
Booty
Shepard and Garrus almost fell out of the Mako onto the floor of the Normandy's cargo area they were laughing so much. All activity stopped as the crew members turned to see the unexpected sight of Commander Shepard doubled over and wiping tears from her eyes. Over the laughter Lieutenant Alenko's voice echoed from the Mako.
"A little help would be nice, thanks"
This set off fresh gales of laughter from the two people that he decided were definitely now former friends.
Joker's voice came over the comm.
"You better stop laughing long enough to share this one Commander, and where the hell is Alenko? So how did the mission go? I'll assume from the laughter that it was a success."
"Oh, quite successful Joker. We managed to wipe out a warehouse full of mercs and get our share of the booty," Garrus replied.
"Yeah, so did the mercs" Shepard said, once again starting to laugh helplessly.
"I really don't think it's all that funny Shepard. I am in pain here you know. "Kaidan ground out through clenched teeth as he finally managed to climb awkwardly out of the Mako.
"You two should take your comedy act on the road I'm sure you'd make a fortune." Kaidan said in the most sarcastic tone he could manage under the circumstances. This pair of laughing jackasses were drawing far too much unwanted attention to him.
"So Alenko you want to fill me in on what happened cause I don't think I'm going to get any sense out of Shepard or Vakarian for a while" Jokers amused voice came loud and clear over the comm. again.
"No I don't. Just ask Doctor Chakwas to come down here" Kaidan said glaring into the monitor where he knew Joker would be watching.
"Oh is someone injured? Why would those two be laughing about that, it can't be that serious?"
"Just get the damn doctor Joker. NOW." Kaidan yelled, his temper finally getting the better of him.
"Sheesh Alenko, keep your pants on, she's already on her way."
The mention of pants in relation to Kaidan had Shepard and Garrus staggering around like a couple of drunken marines after a night of shore leave and their antics had attracted the attention of just about the whole crew now. Yeah, that's just great. Shepard was going to pass out soon if she wasn't careful, which probably wasn't a bad thing given her current lack of control.
"C'mon Shepard, don't keep us all in suspense." Joker was practically begging over the comm. now.
Shepard took a few deep breathes, and clutched weakly at the side of the Mako for support before pointing to Alenko and blurting out,
"He got shot in the butt"
Oh hell, he was never going to live this one down, and to top it all off it was his own damn fault. He'd been too distracted by the sight of Shepard bending over in front of him to retrieve a data pad from the pocket of the dead merc leader to realize that one of them was only wounded and now had him in their sights. It was just lucky that Garrus had been on the ball or he would have probably been dead rather than getting his ass shot off. Although given how much his dignity was now suffering he wasn't sure whether death might not have been the preferable option.
Joker's laughter was now booming out over the whole ship. The bastard has turned up the volume. Here it comes. There would be no stopping Joker now, Kaidan thought as the pilot began to speak.
"Well I guess that puts you out of the running for the most magnificent booty on the Normandy poll the girls were running. You were in the lead too, what a shame you had to have a booty boo boo now, so close to the end of the poll. I could say I'm laughing my ass off but I think you beat me to it."
Kaidan kept silent, knowing that there was more to come. He glanced at Shepard who now had her back to him and was doubled over again, her whole body shaking. Damn, don't look, he told himself, that delightful view is exactly what got you into trouble in the first place.
"Don't worry Alenko, no-one here will make you the butt of their jokes." Joker was laughing almost as much as Shepard had been earlier, which just spurred the rest of the crew on as well. Where the hell was Chakwas?
"Oh by the way someone called you while you were planet side. They wanted to know if you'd accept a long distance booty call."
"Ok Joker, that's enough now. Stop being a pain in the ass and let Alenko get some medical attention in peace." Shepard told the pilot, barely containing her laughter.
"Well look on the bright side Alenko, I'm sure you'll have no shortage of volunteers to kiss it better, although Shepard may pull rank on that particular mission" Joker added as a parting shot as he shut down the comm.
Kaidan watched Shepard blush furiously with a sardonic smile on his face. So Jokers jibe hadn't been far from the truth, good to know he thought as he stored that bit of information away to use at a later date.
"Alright Kaidan let me have a look at the damage" Doctor Chakwas said as she knelt down behind him.
"So Garrus was it you who applied the first aid to Kaidan?"
"No Doctor, that would be Shepard's handiwork," Garrus said before retreating as far away from Shepard as he could.
Thank you very much for that reminder Garrus. Kaidan had been trying to avoid thinking about that little operation. His armour had been peeled from his butt and Shepard had rubbed medigel onto the wound. He was pretty sure that it wasn't just his imagination that she had seemed to take her time with it either. That was definitely not something he wanted to think about in a room full of people. Joker would have a field day with that one. He glanced over at Shepard whose face was now as red as the N7 stripe on the armour she still wore.
Given that there were so many people in the cargo bay, it was strangely quiet and he realized that they were all checking out his ass, and throwing speculative glances at Shepard.
"Would it be too much to ask that someone help me to the medbay so I can get a little privacy, I don't think the whole crew really needs to see my ass" he shouted.
"Well they're just paying their last respects Kaidan, just in case it can't be saved," Doctor Chakwas replied unable to keep the laughter from her voice either.
"Oh not you too Doc," he groaned. He had relied on her to be the one person unaffected by the hilarity that everyone else found in his current predicament.
"You don't get to my age without being able to appreciate a very fine ass when you see one Lieutenant. And by the way I voted for you on the poll too" Chakwas answered as she motioned for two of the crew members to help him to the medbay.
Kaidan blushed and swore he would find some way to get back at the whole damn lot of them.
"If this mission doesn't kill you all, I just might," he muttered to everyone as he was finally able to head towards the relative privacy of the medbay.