AN: Ok so I decided to write this for the one year anniversary of Jess's death (according to the newspaper shown in Pay Up) on May 20th. I hope you like it!
Disclaimer: I own the plotline, but if I owned CSI: NY then I wouldn't have to write this story!
Don sighed as he shakily walked through the wrought iron gates that marked the entrance to the Flower Hill Cemetery in North Bergen, New Jersey. It was only a short drive from both where Don lived in New York and where Jess's parents lived in Hoboken, NJ.
Don sighed as he walked past the rows of headstones to find the one that meant the most to him. He hadn't been there since the funeral a year prior. The only sound was the chafing of his jeans as he walked. Clutched in his hand was a bouquet of red carnations, roses, and gladioli along with white Asiatic lilies and ferns throughout. Jess would kill him if she knew he was bringing her flowers.
Don stopped as the small willow tree came into view. Jess lay next to the tree. Don took a deep breath before continuing on his journey. He stopped when he caught a glimpse of the black marble headstone that marked where she rested. Jess would have loved her headstone. The rounded marble slab had the words "Jessica Angell Beloved Daughter, Sister, Fiancée, and Friend February 9, 1981- May 20, 2009 She gave up her today for our tomorrow" inscribed on it with two etched photos, one of her badge and one of her smiling.
"Hey Jess" he whispered as he set the flowers down across the base of the stone before he sat down. "You would probably kick my ass if you saw me, but I can't help it babe. I love you and I needed to see you. I'm sorry I haven't been here in awhile, but I was in a lot of pain." Don sighed as he felt the wind blow gently. He closed his eyes and pictured Jess sitting next to him laughing and teasing him.
"I found this and I immediately thought of you. It's called 'Born to be a Cop'. It was written by Lydia Warner Miller." Don reached into one of his jean pockets and pulled the paper where the poem was written out. He unfolded it and cleared his throat before he started to read it out loud. "She was born to be a cop you could see it in her eye, as she welcomed life with a soft newborn's cry. She dressed as a cop when she was just a girl of two, no pink or green for her, only blue would do. She always played the cop a robber she would never be, running beneath the hot summer sun she played fairly and with dignity. She was proud to be a cop; you could see it in her eye, on cold rainy days, on warm nights sheltered beneath a summer sky. She died as a cop and to this day I still wonder why, those she had tried to help, extinguished that look in her eye."
Don wiped a few tears away as he looked down at the headstone. He reached under his shirt and pulled out a silver chain with a sterling silver Claddagh with a dark blue sapphire stone for the heart.
"I was going to propose to you that evening, but then our worst nightmare happened and I never got to do it. I wear the ring around my neck everyday to remember you. I have our picture sitting on my desk. I think the others are all worried about me, but I tell them not to. I'm trying Jess, I really am."
Don sat quietly and took in the peace and quiet. He watched the leaves of the tree before he noticed a black marble bench. He stood up and walked over. Etched on the seat were the words ""The family is a haven in a heartless world. ~ Christopher Lasch" Rest in Detective Jessica Angell". Don ran his hands over the words before he noticed the small writing on the bottom corner, "Donated by Robert and Connor Dunbrook to the NYPD and the HPD". Don was angry at first, but then realized that Dunbrook was trying to make up for his mistakes, but all the money in the world did not bring Jess back.
"William Shakespeare said in King Henry the Sixth, "To weep is to make less the depth of grief" Lindsay said as she came up behind him. Don smiled at her briefly.
"Whaddya doin' here Linds?" he asked patiently. Lindsay shrugged before she moved next to him and threaded her arm through his.
"I had the day off and Danny and I were worried about you" she responded as she set her head on Don's shoulder. "Danny is kicking himself that he couldn't be here for you, but I promised him that I would get you through." Don nodded.
"Thanks" he croaked. Lindsay pulled away and sat next to Jess's marker, patting the ground next to her for Don. He quickly sat down and the two sat in silence.
"Let it out Don" Lindsay finally said, breaking the peace. Don's composure only lasted a few more moments before he broke down in tears. Lindsay pulled his head into her lap and stroked his hair as he cried. She even let her own tears flow for her best friend.
"I love her Linds. I can't do this anymore" he sobbed. Lindsay held him tighter hoping to ease some of his pain. She knew how drunk he had gotten for the first few months after Jess's death because he would crash at their apartment every night.
"Oh Don" she breathed. "It will get easier with time. I promise you. The pain won't ever go away, but after time the memories won't be painful, they'll just be memories" she responded. Don's body shuddered as he tried to regain his composure. They two friends sat on the ground and cried for awhile longer, trying to ease their pain.
Danny sat in his office with his head in his hands. He knew that Don and Lindsay were still at the cemetery and he hoped that they were going to be ok. He heard the elevator ding and whipped his head around to see if it was either his best friend or his wife. He slammed his hands on his desk when he saw who was there. Danny stood up and threw his chair back, stalking towards the visitor.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he boomed. It was the one year anniversary of one of his good friend's death and the reason she was killed was standing in the middle of the crime lab.
"I need to see Detective Taylor" Connor Dunbrook said with more conviction in his voice than he felt. Danny glowered at the man in front of him. Mac came around the corner and noticed Danny's tense posture and Connor Dunbrook.
"Danny" Mac called gently. He understood where his friend's anger came from. He felt the same way, but they both had to act professional. "What can I help you with Mr. Dunbrook?" he asked standing next to Danny.
"My father and I want to give you this" he said handing Mac a checked. Mac looked it over and almost lost it right there. "It's a check for your lab and we also sent one to precinct 13 for one million dollars donated in the name of Detective third grade Jessica Angell." Danny couldn't believe what he had just heard, so he looked over Mac's shoulder to read the check.
"Thank you Mr. Dunbrook" Mac said diplomatically as Danny still stared at the check. He was soon snapped out of his trance when Connor turned to him.
"I'm sorry about your loss" he said. Danny stiffened.
"You should be. My best friend lost the love of his life and my wife lost her best friend" he responded. Mac stepped slightly forward to keep Danny from attacking. He knew the younger man was on edge today, but was too stubborn to listen to Mac's advice and go home.
"I'm sorry" Connor said before he turned on his heel and entered the elevator, nodding once in farewell as the doors closed. Danny's shoulders slumped and Mac looked at him in sympathy.
"Danny, go home and hold your little girl. Wait for your wife and best friend to get home then get a nice dinner" Mac said as an order rather than the suggestions he had been telling Danny all day. The younger man nodded slowly before turning and trudging back to the office he shared with Lindsay. Mac looked at the man he thought of as a son. Today was going to be the longest day of Mac Taylor's life.
"Do you remember when we were about to execute the search warrant for Parkbaum's office when we were trying to track down Suspect X?" Don asked as he leaned against the base of the tree. Lindsay had propped herself up against Jess's gravestone.
"Yeah, Danny and I drove up with the warrant and you and Jess were smiling from ear to ear" she remembered. Don chuckled and looked at the picture on Jess's marker.
"Yeah, I had just told her she looked good in the Kevlar vest. Although thinking back, she looked better in that little dress Vice had put her in to meet with Suspect X" he said chuckling, a few tears had escaped his eyes. He and Lindsay had been sitting there for hours, telling stories and memories of Jess. Suddenly they heard a small child's babbling. They whipped their heads around to see Danny trudging up the gravel path, holding Lucy's chubby little hand. Lindsay smiled and Lucy let out a little shriek as she saw her mommy and favorite uncle. Danny smiled and let go of her hand, watching Lucy race to them.
"What are you and daddy doing here Lucy-Goosey?" Lindsay asked as her daughter bounded into her. Lucy giggled and buried herself in her mother's arms. Danny smiled as he situated himself beside Don. "I think Uncle Don needs a hug Lucy" Lindsay suggested. Don smiled and held his arms out as Lucy waddled towards him.
"Hi there Lucy-Goosey, I've missed you" he whispered.
"Unl Donny" Lucy giggled. Don looked down in shock. He thought the first name Lucy would learn would be Mac's since he was her Godfather. Danny smiled proudly at his daughter as Lindsay moved so she was sitting in Danny's lap.
"Good girl Luce" Danny praised. Lucy beamed and snuggled into Don's arms. "It took her months to learn it, but thankfully she got it in time" he explained. Don was touched that his best friends would teach their daughter to say his name just to cheer him up. The tears were rolling down his face before he had the chance to stop them. He held Lucy tighter to his chest as sobs racked his body. Lindsay rolled off of Danny and watched as her husband pulled his best friend into his arms. Lindsay leaned heavily against the tree and cried, wishing she could take the pain away.
"I miss her so much" Don screamed. Danny let a few tears lose for his friend.
"Let's go. I think there is just too much pain here" Danny whispered over the lump in his throat. Don nodded and handed Lucy to Danny before he stood up. "We'll give you a minute" he said leading Lindsay and Lucy a little ways away so Don could say goodbye in privacy.
"He'll be ok, right?" Lindsay asked as she leaned into Danny's side. Danny kissed her temple and sighed.
"We'll get him through this, I promise" Danny said more to himself than his wife, but the sentiment was there and Lindsay knew he needed more reassurance than she did.
"I'm going to leave now Jess. Danny and Lindsay will probably want to get me some dinner and make me stay at their place tonight. I'll be fine, but I miss you" he whispered touching her name tenderly. "I think of you every second of every day and I cry myself to sleep at night because I can still smell you on my pillows. I sometimes wash my hair with the shampoo you left at my place just so I can smell you again." He took a deep breath and stared at the picture before he brought his index and middle fingers to his mouth. He kissed them gently before he set them over Jess's name. "I love you Jess. I'll be back to visit soon" he said before he rearranged the flower bouquet he brought and stood back up, casting the gravestone one more look, before he walked to catch up with Danny and Lindsay, not looking back.
"I'm thinking we hit Joey's on the way home" Danny said as he watched Lindsay holding on to a squirmy Lucy. Don sat beside the two girls while Danny stood in front of them. Don shrugged and Lindsay smiled.
"Sounds good" she replied. Danny nodded. The subway train jerked to a stop and Danny checked out the map to see how far from their stop they were. As long as he had lived in New York and had ridden the subway, Danny had only been to Jersey for Jess's funeral.
"We have three more stops Danno" Don replied. He and Jess had taken many short day trips to see her family and they had always gotten off early do they could go to Tillary's, but he know refused to step foot in that place, seeming that was where his last memory of Jess started.
"So Dunbrook donated one million dollars to both the lab and your precinct in Jess's name" Danny added. He wanted to tell Don the news, but he didn't know how to broach the subject seeming that Don blamed Dunbrook as much, if not more, than he did.
"It doesn't make up for anything" Lindsay supplied. Danny nodded. He thought the same thing when he saw Dunbrook hand over the check.
"I think, Jess would kick our butts, especially mine, if she saw us. I think we need to let go of the pain for now and just focus on all the happy times we had with her" Don said, focusing his attention on the floor. Danny and Lindsay shot each other a confused look before they nodded in unison. Lindsay wrapped an arm around his shoulders and gave him a hug.
"Kahlil Gibran once said, "When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight"" she responded. Don looked up and nodded.
"She was the best thing that ever happened to me" Don replied. Lindsay and Danny both nodded, knowing as much as he wanted to focus on the good, Don would always remember the last moments he had with Jess.
"Are you sure?" Lindsay asked for the fifth time since Don announced he was going back to his place. Danny rolled his eyes and wrapped an arm around her waist. Don smiled at her concern.
"Yes Linds, I'm sure. I'll call you once I get home if it will make you feel better mom" he teased. Danny let out a small laugh as Lindsay frowned. She stepped out of Danny's embrace and wrapped her arms around Don's torso. She stood on her tip-toes and kissed his cheek sisterly.
"I just worry about you" she responded. Don wrapped his arms around her.
"I know you do, but I'll be fine. Spend some time with your family" he said, kissing the top of her head brotherly before he stepped away. Danny smiled as Lindsay finally relented and stepped back next to him.
"Be safe" she whispered. Don smiled and nodded.
"I'll see you guys bright and early tomorrow" he replied with a wave as he left the family's small apartment. He wondered down the busy New York streets in a trance. He stood in front of a small bar he found, but decided against going in. As he stared in the window, he caught the reflection of the establishment behind him. He turned on his heel and headed inside.
"Hello" the man inside replied. Don nodded in greeting before he sat in one of the front pews. The priest noticed his odd behavior and left him alone to pray in private, something Don hadn't done in years.
AN: So not where I was going with it, but I'm pretty proud of it! I made myself cry through part of it though! Let me know what you thought!