Limitations, Exceptions and Acceptance
By: Melanie Grey
Disclamer: I do not in any way shape or form own Degrassi, nor do i claim to.
It isn't easy now and I can only hope it won't always be. I know that some people may never accept me the way I am. Difficulties may always continue to follow me no matter what I do. Someone may always be there to tell me I am a freak or a disgrace. These are always the closed minded and cold hearted people, they exist and always will. As if it wasn't hard enough before I came to Degrassi. I may always have a Bianca or Fitz in my life, but here I am lucky enough to have people besides Drew and my mother to support me being who I really am.
Elijah Goldsworthy and Clare Edwards are two accepting and open minded people. Clare is a grounded Christian firm in her beliefs like non-violence, tolerance, and saving herself until marriage. Hell she even has a purity ring. She isn't impulsive or snobby or like any other teenaged girl I have met. I am not attracted to her or anything though, she is a very good friend. I am sure that Eli wouldn't be too happy with the idea of me liking Clare though, he did see her first after all. Clare is loyal and caring to her friends though she may not have many of them, she is always their ready to help or be of support. If you confide in Clare she won't tell anyone the secret. She is a trustworthy girl. Like when I bumped into her in the hallway and dropped those stupid tampons after running away from Bianca after Recreation Class. She even said they were hers she went with my lie which I never expected her to do for me. Even when I told about being transgender she was cool with it.
Eli was somewhat similar. He doesn't mind who I am either like Clare. Sure he had a few questions just like anyone naturally would about such a situation. I was thrilled though when he said he was fine with it. I was glad to still have two great friend who I am confident would never tell my secret. Eli is not someone who listens to gossip. Eli is loyal to his friends, though in a different way then Clare is. Instead of talking through something like Clare would, Eli would jump right in and fight for his friends. Like when Fitz pushed me into the lockers threatened to break my nose, Eli wasn't afraid to jump right in front of me and stand up to Fitz. I don't think I could have done that. I mean I have been bullied before but I could never truly stand up to them. I physically can't.
My body is a trap, a cage. It doesn't allow me to physically match Fitz in a fight or another type of altercation. Even if it doesn't I know I was meant to be a guy, I can feel it, down to my very soul, to the core of my being. I don't feel like a girl, I never have and never, ever will. Just the thought of wearing dresses, skirts, and, make-up can make me sick. I am attracted to girls just like any heterosexual man is. I will always be a man on the inside. I have the thoughts, the feelings, the wants and needs as any other guy my age would. My outside appearance isn't what it should be though. Does anyone know what it feels like to feel so trapped in their own body? Do they know how I feel so different or weird because of it? Who gets the feeling of being so limited in their lives because they can't be what they feel they were meant to be?
Like I have said I am a man inside myself, no one can change that. I can't change who I am, just because someone disapproves of it. I am not happy being what I was born as, a girl. Gracie Torres does not exist to me. Gracie Torres is not who I am or who I want to be. I am Adam Torres. I am a son, a brother, and a friend. I am not a daughter, or a sister, because I am not these things. People at Degrassi Community School have no right to judge me because they aren't Adam, I am. They don't feel what I feel, or know what I know. I know there are people out there who are just like me, who feel just how I feel. They want to be free of everyone else and become who they truly are.
I know somewhere there are females born as males who want to be their own beautiful selves inside. There are also males, much like myself, born females who long to be the masculine and handsome person they are too. Some are stuck though they can't even try to be who they are inside. I was lucky enough to start fresh here people only knew me as Adam Torres there was no Gracie. It was smooth sailing until that stupid Ballroom unit in Recreation Class. Maybe it was a bad idea to get involved with Bianca in the first place she was bound to find out sometime now that I think about it. Especially if we ever got past our semi-flirting it would have eventually happened, and somewhere in my mind I did know she wouldn't be accepting of it. I am only human though I made a lapse in judgment that time with Bianca. With Eli and Clare as friends, though, I know I chose the right people to involve myself with.
Someday I believe my life won't be so hard. One day I will be able to fully be myself, no worries or fears, maybe I'll even have a girlfriend of my own. I can live peacefully without worry of being thrown through a glass door, or getting bullied or beaten up all the time. The limitations of my life today will have disappeared and I can be completely happy. I'll be an exception to life's rules that some thick skulled people have. I will then at sometime finally, finally be accepted as Adam Torres and Gracie will forever be gone. And if things go as I want I will still have my family's support with Eli and Clare there too. My cage will be opened and I will fly free.