Propellerheads, a matrix fanfic

Propellerheads

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

I was dying.

I could feel the pain slowly numbing my senses, ebbing away at my sides, at my stomach.

My womb.

Damaged.

Beyond repair.

I was dying, but I was not alone. She was too.

My baby. Our baby.

And I hadn't— I didn't— what had I done?

The test results hadn't come back yet when we left Zion, and I didn't know for certain, but I could just feel her. I just knew I was pregnant, but I went and risked my life anyway.

I went to my death, to ours, without even thinking about the consequences.

I wanted to go with him— I knew that he wasn't coming back— and I didn't even stop to think about how she wasn't going to be able to live, since I knew that I was going to my demise.

I was killing our baby, by dying.

How could I have been so stupid?

"Trin? Trinity? Trinity?" Neo called in the dark. He could feel her, her life breathing out into the expanse in front of him, but it was slower, and he wasn't sure what had happened.

He crawled through the shards of broken glass and twisted metal to her soft voice calling out in the ruin of the ship.

"I'm here," Trinity said softly.

"Where?" Neo asked again, groping along the floor for her.

She sighed, "Here."

He reached her, and grasped her hand. "We made it."

She could see him smiling, he was happy, and should be— he'd waited all this time for this moment, and he was finally here.

"You said we would."

I should tell him.

I must.

Before my life was up, I must tell him.

But I just— I just couldn't tell him that by coming I had killed our child.

God, I must sound so heartless when you look at it that way.

What had I been thinking, coming with him to our death?

What had I been thinking, that I would survive?

That we all would?

I had been the only one who even slightly admitted that we would die together, Neo and I, and yet I still came with him, not willing to save two lives so long as one was dying, because he wasn't going to come back.

People call this kind of love many names, most being stupidity but I prefer to call it Agape.

It basically means that I would give up anything and everything for him.

I loved him unconditionally.

I love him still.

Now that I look back on it, I guess it does sound kind of foolish.

"It's unbelievable, Trin," Neo said, looking up at the city, which with his new vision blazed with a fire that no natural thing should possess. "Lights everywhere. Like the whole thing was built with light. I wish you could see what I see."

Trinity smiled, "You've already shown me so much."

"What is it, Trinity? What's wrong?"

She smiled that same smile again, but this time, he knew that it was sorrow that caused it, not happiness that they had reached their destination.

"I can't come with you, Neo," she said. "I've gone as far as I can."

"Why?" Neo asked, but as soon as he said that, he felt the breaks in her body, where that metal was killing her. The machines had taken one last person from him— this time the person who mattered the most. "Oh, no. Oh no, no, no!"

"It's all right. It's time. I've done all that I could do. Now you have to do the rest. You have to finish it. You have to save Zion."

"I can't," Neo said, crying. "Not without you."

She looked at him almost in shock— he had, they all had, worked so hard for this moment, and he was ready to give it up? Just because she was going to die? There were so many other people, the whole of Zion for one, who would die if he didn't finish this. "Yes, you can. You will. I believe it, I always have," she said quietly.

I was going to name her Jean

I used to read comic books when I was a kid, and she was this super human with powers that I always wanted, the ability to read minds and stuff. Anyway, she died so the rest of her team could live. She was called Jean Grey, mostly, but at the time of her death, she went by Phoenix, because she came back to life. I guess I'll never get to.

I should have told him then that I was pregnant, but I didn't.

There should have been some regret, but I almost felt relief when I decided not to. There should have been a time when I realized that I didn't care about the mission anymore, I just cared about living with Neo, but there wasn't.

I should have known it long ago, back when I first discovered that he was the One, it was then I should have realized that I didn't care anymore, but I didn't.

I should have told him before we left that I was with child, but I didn't.

I was relived to not tell him.

The only thing I regretted was that my body would be our child's coffin and that…

Well, I regretted a lot of things, but not breaking his heart twice with one blow wasn't one of them.

So I didn't tell him.

It was always Neo first, life for me later. That's the way that it always was for me, the way that I wanted. But when I told him that I was ready to give up everything to be with him, to see him survive what I knew that I wouldn't, he told me that he needed me. I felt that he was disregarding what I felt for him— foolish I know, but I felt it anyway— and that he couldn't possibly do the same for me— again, foolish.

I loved him with all of my heart, soul, body, etcetera, and I was too blind to see that he loved me in that very same way. I was always to blind.

Okay, I lied.

I regret not telling him everything.

"Trinity... Trinity," he said, holding her hand, "You can't die. You can't. You can't."

"Yes, I can," she said tenderly, "You brought me back once, but not this time."

Neo held back the emotions raging inside of him, and if he had not lost his eyes, Trinity would have been able to see the pain in his eyes, the pain that was brought on by not being able to help her this time, and how deep the survivor's guilt would hurt him.

"Do you remember..." Trinity started, her breathing becoming softer and softer. "On that roof after you caught me... the last thing I said to you?

Neo looked at her odd, but answered her question. "You said, 'I'm sorry.'"

"That was my last thought. I wished I had one more chance, to say what really mattered, to say how much I loved you, how grateful I was for every moment I was with you," she said, regretting every moment that she wasn't telling his the one thing that was hurting her the most. The one thing that could break his heart one more time. The one thing that he could never fix.

"But by the time I knew how to say what I wanted to, it was too late. But you brought me back. You gave me my wish. One more chance to say what I really wanted to say... Kiss me, once more. Kiss me."

Neo bent down and softly gazed her lips with his own, and Trinity closed her eyes, deepening the kiss one last time.

He lifted up his head, and as they gazed on each other's faces one last time, she passed into the unknown, and her eyes faded.

So I didn't tell him, but what could he have done if I had? Tried to save her? Us?

Those metal tubes went straight through my abdomen— there was no way that they could have come out and both of us would have lived. She was dead already, I knew it, but in the end I was just proud that he was able to finish what we had started.

I was so proud of him, I mean, how could I not be?

How could anyone not be proud of him?

But at the same time, I was sad that I was leaving him— that I wasn't coming with him on this last adventure into the Matrix.

I never would again be a slave of the machines.

I was free.

We were free.

All of us.

The name Jean is a reference to the X-Men hero who died and then came back to life. Fun, right? Surprisingly enough, names that mean "Rebirth" are pretty hard to come by, so I had to settle for something else that vaguely held the same meaning.