Finding Yourself

by DianneRose2016

Warnings: bad language, abuse, prostitution, violence, rape. Chapter warnings inside. Summary: Set in season 6 the night of Dead Things. Spike has been through more than what the others know with his relationship with Buffy. Spike decides that he needs to get out of town for a little bit to heal. Only when he comes back his life is only going to get worse. Full summary inside.

1. An Unexpected Visitor

An: okay so I know I have a lot of stories up right now that I have started for Angel and Buffy, but this idea is bugging me so I figured what the hell and keep going. I know some people don't like Slash so I am going to start off by saying this will contain Slash between Angel and Spike. It won't be the extreme lovey dovey stories that I have read. They won't be way out of character, they will be slightly, because they weren't gay on the show, except that one time that is mentioned in the last season of Angel by Spike. Anyways…. This will be a crossover between the two shows and I have no idea where I am going with this, but hey I never do so that shouldn't stop me.

So obviously in order for this to work I am going to need to change a few plot lines. So let's play a fun game of this never happened. This will be set in Season 6 of the show after Buffy beats the hell out of Spike in the alley (Dead Things). Spike still has the chip and everything in season 4 and five still count. Season 6 though Spike and Buffy have still slept together, but Spike's chip still works on Buffy so he can't hit her back. Buffy and Spike are very much so in an abusive relationship, but worse than Spike can now handle. Buffy has been taking her anger out on Spike by beating him up on a regular basis and is still using him for sex. I don't know what season of Angel this would be set in, but this is before Darla got pregnant with Connor and all of that. Connor doesn't exist and Spike never came to Angel during season one to torture him. Spike and Angel have never spoken to each other since he helped Buffy to kill him to save the world.

So now that that is out of the way on to the summary: Spike shows up at Angel's hotel badly beaten just before dawn rises. Angel doesn't want to take Spike in, but he is family and badly in need of some help. He takes Spike in and learns a few shocking secrets that he didn't know. Spike doesn't want to stay, but he truly doesn't know where else to go and he can't ignore the fact that it feels nice being around Angel again. He's struggling with his life and who he is and even Angel can plainly see that Spike just doesn't know what to do anymore.

Warnings: Violence, Slash, bad language, sexual situations, prostitution and abuse on all levels. I have no idea what else, but I'll give ya a heads up.

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An Unexpected Visitor

Spike laid in that alley barely able to move. He knew that something was wrong with Buffy, but it still didn't change how he was feeling. She thought she had killed that girl and Spike couldn't blame her for that, but he couldn't just let her walk into that police station and spend the rest of her life in jail. She had helped too many people to just throw her life away for one mistake, one dead body. It wasn't her fault she had been off all day feeling like her mind was slipping. Spike knew someone was behind this, someone had been messing with Buffy not long after she had returned from Heaven. Spike had tried to be there for her and he thought she had appreciated it. Even though it was painful for him to go through all of this he did because he loved her and he just wanted to be with her no matter how much it hurt and it had hurt. Spike had lost count within the last six months how many times she had come over used him to escape her own pain for a little while then took her anger out on him. Sometimes she could come over and just have sex with him before she kicked him in the head and left without saying a word. Spike wasn't too upset during those times. He had come to expect it, it was still painful, he was starting to feel like some type of unpaid prostitute that Buffy could just use when she felt the itch, but she wasn't about what he wanted. There had been a few times when she would have sex with him, but once she got off she would just get up and leave, leaving Spike completely unsatisfied. There had been other times when Spike was too beat up after she came over the night before to release her anger at the world out on him. She would come over the next night wanting sex, but Spike was in too much pain to be even in the mood. She didn't care though she would just get him hard and climb on top of him, not even caring she was causing him even more pain. The only way he would even stay hard was just by friction alone. He wasn't turned on or even in the mood he just wanted her to get off and leave him alone. The pain he was in was always bad after Buffy comes by to take her anger out on him. It wasn't that Spike didn't understand he was an evil soulless thing after all. She could never love him, no one could. Spike understood that Buffy needed to take her anger out on someone after being ripped out of Heaven by her friends, he best friends. He got it and it only made sense for that target to be him. He could take it or so he thought he could take it.

Tonight had been to a more extreme level. Buffy had broken a few ribs before, but never almost all of them, plus he knew his face was swelling and he had some internal bleeding. He was in an extreme amount of pain, as bad as it had been with Glory after a few rounds with her chained up. Spike had no idea buffy could be that relentless and strong before and just like Glory he couldn't fight back. The chip made it impossible to even defend himself against a human. If this had been a demon then he could have fought back and won, but Buffy wasn't a demon she was a human so he couldn't do it. He couldn't defend himself without causing even more pain to himself. He was sitting in a helpless situation. All he did know was that he couldn't lay on the payment forever, he had to get up and get to cover before the sun came up. He only had three hours before the sun would come up and he would be a big pile of dust if he didn't move soon. Though, at this point he didn't really know if he cared about being a big pile of dust or not.

Spike had been through a lot in his life. He had dealt with some harsh treatment from Angelus back in the day when he was first turned that was for certain, but he had never felt like this. He had never felt this alone and worthless. Every time Buffy came by to take her anger out on him she would always call him a soulless, evil monster. She would tell him how he was nothing and no one could ever love a cold, disgusting demon like him. Spike didn't listen to her the first couple of times, but after hearing it for six months, plus dealing with her beatings and the other comments from Xander had really screwed with his mind. Spike couldn't help, but believe her when she said those things. He had started to become depressed four months ago. Over the past four months Spike had started to stay in at night, losing interest in even going out to Willy's for a few pints. The demon community turned their back on him ten months ago making it impossible to get money to buy liquor and blood. As a result he had stopped eating as often so he had lost some weight and his healing time increased. Spike knew that with his injuries it would take a good month before he was fully healed and Spike knew that Buffy wasn't going to wait until she pounded on him again for him to heal. Spike knew within a week that Buffy would be back to take her anger out on him. Just like Spike knew that Buffy would be by tomorrow night or the next night looking for sex, not caring how he was feeling. Or even feeling bad for what she did to him tonight.

Spike couldn't think about that right now he had to get up and out of this alley and back to his place before the sun would come up. Spike pushed himself up onto his knees, trying to do his best to ignore the unbearable pain shooting up his whole body. All of his ribs were broken and Spike didn't even know if he was even going to be able to move right now. Spike didn't have a choice though, he didn't have anyone he could call, even if he had a phone, that would come and help him. He was completely alone. The demons in this town had long given up on Spike's loyalty. They had all labeled him as the Slayer's bitch making it even harder to get the odd job. It had been a good ten months since Spike had a single job. In order to get by he had resorted to pick pocketing humans and even going to the demon club that paid vampires next to nothing for other demons and vampires to feed off from them. It paid next to nothing, but sometimes if the demon or vampire liked you enough they would pay to have sex with you. Spike had never thought in his life that he would ever have to do anything like that, but in the past ten months he had barely any money and he had to help with Dawn's care. He had to help out with the household while Buffy was dead so he didn't have a choice. Spike wasn't proud of it and he hated it completely that he had to lower himself to that level just to survive, but he didn't have a choice. If it was just him he wouldn't care he would go without blood for as long as he could, but he couldn't do that to his Niblet. He had to push through and be there for her, because no one else seemed to be paying any attention to her. Spike had to help take care of her and be there for her. He had to help cook her dinner and help her with her homework, because the others were all too busy to. So Spike had let other vampires and demons feed off from him. He even let other vampires fuck him, because he had to be there for Dawn. All of that didn't help with his self-esteem issues right now. When Buffy got back he thought things would go back to normal, things would be okay but now they seemed to have gotten worse. Spike would have laid there and welcomed the sun, but he knew Dawn wouldn't be able to handle his death. So he forced himself up onto his feet. He forced himself to block out the pain as he realised that his right knee was fractured. He forced his body forward and kept walking all the way back to his crypt. It took him a good hour to even get there, but he had finally made it. His breathing was heavy even though he didn't need to breathe, it was just a habit that he could never break even after over a century of being dead.

Spike went over to his trap door and jumped down, but he didn't land on his feet he handed in a heap on the ground. He had decided on his slow and very painful walk over here that he couldn't be here in the morning. He had to go somewhere for a few days just to get away. He didn't want to leave Dawn, but he needed some time away from Buffy and the rest of them. He didn't want to worry Dawn, but he couldn't stay here right now. He needed some time to heal and to get his mind clear. He knew what Buffy was doing was wrong, even though he loved her he couldn't take much more. He just needed to get somewhere that he could sleep and recover. After that he would figure out what to do next.

Spike grabbed his duffle bag and put his clothes into it before he headed out the trap door and out of his crypt. He kept his motorcycle around the back of the crypt so he got on his bike and kept his small duffle bag in the front between him and the handlebars. He then took a deep breath trying to calm his shaking down. He was in extreme amounts of pain both physically and emotionally, plus he was starving. He hadn't eaten in a week and it was starting to have a negative effect on him. He would need to find a place to go for the morning and then come nightfall he could continue on his way. Spike turned on his bike before he took off out of Sunnydale and out on the Highway. Spike figured he would head towards the closest largest city which was L.A. Spike didn't know what he was going to do, but at least L.A was a large city so he would at least be able to find someone to pick their pocket and get some blood with it.

Spike knew he had to hurry though, because the sun would be coming up within the next two hours and he needed to find some place to hide out the next twelve hours. Spike also had to spend a large amount of energy on not passing out and crashing his bike. Spike didn't know what he was going to do, but he just had to try and stay awake long enough to get somewhere that he could hide out in. Spike was fighting to keep his eyes open, but he knew that if he fell asleep now he wouldn't be waking up at all. He had to keep fighting, because Dawn needed him. He couldn't just let her down and die. She needed him to be there for her so he had to keep fighting. He would be back to Sunnydale in a week or two. He just needed a little break and then he would go back hopefully a little more healed.

It was two hours later when the welcome to L.A sign came into Spike's view. It was a good thing because the sun was starting to come up and Spike knew he didn't have much longer before he would be in jeopardy. Now the problem became he didn't know where to go. He didn't have any money so he couldn't get some shitty hotel room. He didn't know anyone in L.A except for Angel, even then he only knew where he was vaguely. That wasn't even the only problem, he hadn't seen Angel since he helped Buffy kill him to save the world. Spike knew that Angel didn't like him, that he hated him, he made that clear a long time ago. When they were both evil Angel didn't like him, but they still had fun together. Now with his soul he just saw Spike as an evil monster like everyone else. He didn't know where else to go though and with the sun fast approaching over the horizon he didn't have a choice. It was either going to Angel's and hoping he would let him crash there or it was to a dusty ending. Spike figured he could do this for Dawn, he had done worse for her so this shouldn't be too bad. If nothing else he might be able to sneak some blood from Angel's fridge and get something into him. The last time he had eaten was a week ago and that was from a vampire. Vampire blood can be good, but only if it was in your own family line or came from a strong bloodline like his. It's why so many vampires were happy to pay next to nothing to bite him, at least he got next to nothing for it. Spike needed some real blood and animal blood was better than rats or vampire blood. Spike never believed that he would ever reach the level that he was currently at. He was a Master Vampire, someone to fear and now he was this disgusting being that had to allow other vampires and demons to drink his blood or even fuck him just to get by. He could hear Angel's voice in his head now laughing at him and telling him he was worthless and disowning him from the family.

Spike knew he didn't have a choice though he had to go to Angel's and just hope that he would let him stay there without asking him too many questions. Spike remembered the name of the hotel and he remembered where it was vaguely so he headed in that direction and just hoped he would be able to find it before the sun got too high. Spike was able to find the hotel relatively easy enough and with only a few minutes to spare. The problem now he faced was getting off his bike and hoping that someone would answer the door and let him in. He knew from the others that Angel was doing his own demon fighting and investigations down here with his own team, but he didn't know if they would be awake or not. He knew that Angel would have been up all night, but he didn't know if he had gone to bed or not yet. Spike slowly got off his bike and grabbed his bag before he stumbled to the door. He was starting to feel the sun against his skin and he knew he had to just convince Angel to let him inside. Spike got to the door and he was shaking so badly and so dizzy he thought he would pass out any second now. Spike knocked as loudly as he could. After a few moments the door opened and Angle was standing on the other side. When he first opened the door Spike could see the annoyance on his face. He would have been able to sense that it was him on the other side. The second he actually saw Spike the annoyance was gone and his face was blank, but Spike thought he saw a small amount of concern in Angel's eyes, but he knew that it was just his imagination. Angel had never shown any concern for him ever.

"Spike, get inside before I have to sweep you off my front step." Angel said with the shake of his head.

Spike took the few steps inside and Angel could see the level of pain that Spike was in and trying to hide it from him. Spike always had this thing about showing weakness around anyone, but especially Angelus. Some habits were hard to break even though Angel wouldn't give Spike a hard time with the level of damage he was in. Angel closed the door and noticed the small duffle bag that Spike had in his hand. He also noticed that his hands were shaking, his whole body was shaking. Angel could tell that Spike had lost a good amount of weight since he had seen him last. He could also tell there was some serious damage underneath his clothes and internally. Angel hadn't seen Spike in a good four years, but seeing him now he couldn't help but be concerned. Spike almost never lost a fight and when he did it was usually to Angel himself. Seeing him this beat up was disturbing for Angel.

"What brings you by Spike?" Angel asked trying to sound normal and not give away his concern.

"Just passing through. Didn't know if I could crash here till sundown." Spike said, but he wouldn't meet Angel's eyes.

"As long as you don't eat anyone fine. Rooms are upstairs. I was just going to bed myself."

Spike gave a nod and began to walk with Angel towards the stairs. Angel could see that Spike was having a hard time walking and he was favoring his right knee. His shaking had also gotten worse. Angel walked closely by Spike and went at his own pace so he could be there in case Spike collapsed. They slowly got up the stairs and Angel could tell that Spike was in an extreme amount of pain. Angel didn't know what had happened, but he was going to find out. They didn't have the best relationship, but Spike was still his Childe and he didn't like it that someone did this to him. Angel led Spike down the hallway until they got to his room. He stopped and opened the door and spoke at the same time.

"In here."

Spike was too tired and in too much pain to even bother to argue. He could tell by the smell of the room that it was Angel's and he didn't even care. At this point he just wanted to sleep and not wake up for a good week. Once inside the room Angel closed the door and turned his attention to Spike.

"Take your shirt off and get on the bed so I can look at your injuries."

Spike didn't even argue he just dropped his bag on the ground and went over to the bed. Angel knew that something was more wrong with Spike than he thought. Spike always argued with him, but right now it seemed like Spike just didn't care anymore. Angel went over to Spike as he tried to lift his t-shirt off after taking off his jacket. Angel could see that he was having a hard time getting his shirt off so he went over and gently lifted the shirt off from Spike. Angel couldn't believe what he saw underneath the shirt. Spike's whole torso was covered in dark black bruising. Angel could see that all of his ribs were broken and he knew there would be internal damage done as well.

"What the hell happened?" Angel asked with anger at seeing his Childe in this state.

Spike had always been a pain in his ass, mostly because they were both evil. Then when he got a soul he left after Darla kicked him out for having one. Ever since then they hadn't gotten along, because a vampire with a soul can't get along with a vampire without a soul. Angel had a lot of regrets with what he did when he was evil and the way he treated Spike was one of them. He knew he was crueler towards Spike, because he wanted someone to be just as evil as he was and the only way for that to happen was by torturing someone. He needed Spike to be strong and to be afraid of him at the same time. Spike just became more rebellious though and now Angel knew that Spike hated him. Angel knew that Spike was only here because he needed a place to crash until the sun went down. Still seeing Spike this injured angered Angel. Spike was always a strong fighter he had never looked this bad before.

"Bad night" Spike said softly.

"It looks like a lot more than just a bad night. You've lost weight. When was the last time you ate?" Angel asked as calmly as he could manage.

Spike just shrugged. He didn't want Angel to know about how pathetic and weak he had become. Angel let out a sigh before he turned and left the room. Spike didn't know where he was going, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He was just so tired and in so much pain he just wanted to sleep. He was tempted to lie down, but he knew Angel wouldn't be done with him yet. It was better to just wait for when Angel said he could sleep before he laid down, because if he laid down now he didn't think he would be able to get back up. After a few minutes Angel came back upstairs with a mug of warm blood. The smell hit Spike the moment Angel walked back into the room and Spike's stomach instantly growled and his eyes went yellow. Angel knew by the instant reaction that Spike's body had to the blood, he knew it had been more than a few days since Spike had fed. Angel handed Spike the mug and Spike took it and drank it down within a minute. Spike's eye went back to normal and he placed the mug down on the nightstand.

"Thanks." Spike said softly and Angel knew he was embarrassed by the way his body reacted to just the smell of blood.

"You need to lay down. All of your ribs are broken, but don't think that gets you out of answering my questions." Angle said in a serious voice.

Spike didn't even say anything he just laid back down on the pillows at the head of the bed. He was still shaking from the pain, but at least that mug of blood had helped to stop the hunger pains in his stomach for now. Angel sat down on the edge of the bed and faced Spike. He put his forearms on his knees and tried to remain calm. Something had obviously happened to change Spike this much. Just four years ago he was helping to kill him and now he was following everything he said like a little puppy dog. This wasn't his Childe, but a shell of the man he used to be.

"When was the last time you ate?"

"Do we have to do this now? I'm tired and everything hurts." Spike said in a weak voice and he hated himself for showing weakness to the one person who had always taught him that weakness would never be allowed.

Spike closed his eyes and waited for Angel to yell at him or hit him like he used to when he showed any signs of weakness. Angel knew that Spike regretted the words the moment he said them. At one point in their past Angel would have beaten the crap out of Spike for ever showing weakness. Spike's instant reaction made perfect sense to Angel and Angel knew that he had to work on rebuilding this relationship. It wasn't that Angel hated Spike, he didn't; they just never got along because of the soul and no soul thing. That didn't change the fact that Spike was his Childe and he was family. Angel wasn't about to kill him and he wasn't about to ignore what was happening right now.

"I know you are tired and in an extreme amount of pain, but the sooner we do this then the sooner you can sleep. I need to know what is going on. Four years ago you were all ready to help kill me to save the world. Now you are starving and covered in bruises. What the hell is going on?" Angel asked calmly, but Spike could have sworn he heard a small amount of concern in his voice.

"Just got into a fight is all no big deal."

"You're hands aren't bruised or cut up Spike. Why didn't you fight back against your attacker or attackers?"

"Because I couldn't."

"The demon tied you up?" Angel asked.

"No"

"Then how come you didn't fight back? Was there more than one of them?" Angel asked not understanding why Spike wouldn't have just killed the demon easily.

"It wasn't a demon. It was a human and there was only one." Spike said with his eyes closed trying to fight back the pain.

"A human did this to you? How the hell is that even possible? Why wouldn't you kill them?" Angel asked now more confused than before.

Spike opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Angel shock clearly on his face. "You don't know."

"What don't I know?"

"They never told you?" Spike asked to himself more confused now than ever.

"Who never told me?"

"Buffy and the gang. They never told you what happened. I figured they would have. You all have a good laugh over it."

"Spike I don't know what you're talking about. What didn't they tell me?" Angel asked clearly confused and slightly angry that something obviously happened that was kept from him.

"Two years ago I came into Sunnydale again. I got attacked from behind with a Taser Gun of some sorts for demons. Knocked me out cold. When I woke up I was in this white room with a glass door. Turns out it was some Government Agency called the Initiative. They took demons and vampires and did experiments on them and testing. They put a chip in my head to neuter me. I can't bite or hurt a human without unimaginable pain shooting all through my head. I can't hurt a human anymore, haven't been able to in two years."

The shock was clear on Angel's face, but also an underlining anger that he didn't know about this.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

Spike let out a small chuckle, but groaned in pain right afterwards. "Tell you, bloody Angelus, that I'm a human's bitch now. Can't defend myself against them, can't fed off of them and live. Ya that would have gone over well." Spike said sadly.

"I'm not Angelus anymore Spike. I'm not saying I wouldn't have gloated a little, but Spike I would have helped you. You're still family I would have helped you figure out how to survive off animal blood and how to get it. How were you able to survive?"

"Went to Watcher boy's house to see if they knew what was going on. Spent a few weeks chained up in his bathroom and they figured out there was a chip in my brain. About a month after getting it the world was going to end again and I got dragged along. Found out I could hit a demon that helped me not want to kill myself. I got myself a crypt and then did odd jobs for other demons. When Buffy needed information or help she would give me ten bucks or twenty sometimes if it was important enough to her. I can still steal as long as I don't hurt anyone."

Angel shook his head. "You've been able to get blood steadily though?"

"Normally." Spike said with a shrug.

"Why not recently?"

"I didn't say it hasn't been recent."

"Your reaction to the blood says otherwise. You haven't reacted like that since you were a fledging."

"It's nothing." Spike said with his eyes closed.

"When was the last time you had blood Spike? And don't say a few minutes ago."

"Blood or animal blood?"

"You said you haven't been able to feed off of anyone in two years. I'm assuming you are on animal blood so I don't understand your question."

Spike let out a sigh clearly annoyed that Angel wasn't going to let him sleep until he had the answers he wanted.

"Please just let this go and let me sleep." Spike tried even though he knew it wasn't going to work.

"I can't do that Spike. You show up seconds before you would be burnt to dust from the sun. You are beaten up severely and starving. I can't let this go. You're family."

"Now I'm family. You didn't care when you left back then or any other day after that. You certainly didn't care back in Sunnydale when I was paralyzed. Don't need you to start caring now." Spike said trying his best to hide his hurt, but Angel could clearly hear it.

"I didn't just leave Spike. Darla kicked me out when she found out I was cursed with my soul. She thought I would be a bad influence on the family. She knew I couldn't be cruel anymore. I didn't want to leave, but she was my Sire and she told me I was no longer a part of this family. I still thought about you all and I still missed you. By the time I was able to live with my soul you and Drusilla had made a name for yourselves all over the world. You weren't as cruel as I was, but you were enjoying being a vampire. It was too late then. As for Sunnydale I'm sorry for what I did to you. You were paralyzed and I could have healed you, but after so many decades of my demon being trapped it was uncontrollable. My demon was insane from being trapped by the soul. I am sorry for what I did to you back in Sunnydale it's why I don't hold you helping Buffy to kill me against you. I would have too. Now it's been two years since you've fed off a human. Two years of fighting the good fight and keeping people safe. We're back to fighting on the same side, even if we both didn't ask for it. When was the last time you ate something?"

Spike was silent for a few moments and Angel could tell he was thinking about if he should tell him or not. Angel didn't want to tell Spike how back when he got his soul he wanted to take him with him. Angel wanted so desperately to take Spike away from Darla and Drusilla and bring him with him. He knew that Spike was different from the moment he sired him, even before that. Spike was such a gentle soul and even when he was turned that human part of him was still there. It's what made Spike truly be able to feel emotions and love. It's what made Spike who he was and not even Angelus had been able to break him of that. Spike loved to eat normal food and keep up with the times. Angel still could remember Spike teaching him how to drive. Now Spike can use a computer and cell phones. He knows how to drive a car, truck and a motorcycle. Spike loved being a vampire, but Angel knew he just loved life itself. He always wanted to have a good time and being a vampire made it possible to do more of it. He was very well educated, something that most people don't know about. He went to Oxford University and graduated with honors in English. He wrote poems that Angel always loved. He could write songs and stories. He loved to read old English literature and he could even draw much like himself. Spike always had this life and spark in his eyes. He just wanted to enjoy life and have someone to love and be loved back. Spike had loved Drusilla and he knew that he was in love with Buffy, thanks to Buffy telling him. The problem was Spike had never been with someone that truly loved him back. Drusilla was just using Spike because he was there and would do anything she asked. She would still cheat on him with anyone she wanted vampire or demon included. Spike had no idea what it meant to be loved or to feel safe with someone. Angel could still remember that drunk night that they shared when the girls were out hunting. They had gotten so drunk they ended up sleeping together. Angel could still remember how Spike told him he had never felt so safe before in his whole existence. Spike didn't remember it the next day so Angel just let it go, but it was the first time that Angel could see that there was more to Spike. So when he got his soul he immediately thought about taking Spike with him, because he did care about Spike. He did see something in him that would make him more than just another vampire. Angel saw a lot of potential in Spike and he was hoping now that he can't hurt humans he might be able to get Spike to start living up to that potential.

"A week ago I got into a fight with a vampire. I drank from her before I dusted her." Spike finally said softly.

Angel couldn't help the hurt that passed through him. To know that his own Childe was so desperate that he fed off another vampire. It was different if it was from your family, but outsiders it was looked down upon from the era that they are from. Angel knew that lots of other vampires will feed off each other. Some will even pay to bite a stronger vampire just to feel the rush of the blood, but Spike was never like that. He hated the idea of drinking from another vampire or demon unless it was within the family.

"You were that hungry you fed off another vampire? When was the last time you had any real blood? You know blood outside of your family won't do anything for healing or nutrients, it will just keep you from dying."

"Three weeks before that I had a pint of animal blood that I was able to steal. So I guess a month ago then."

"I thought you were helping Buffy with fighting demons and doing the odd job for other demon clans?"

"I used to work for other demon clans, but ten months ago the work stopped. I was helping Buffy, I still am, but she stopped paying me over a year ago."

"What the hell have you been doing for money?"

"I pickpocket when I get the chance or steal it from other demons."

"Don't you have any saved up? You always used to have stashes hidden all over the damn place."

"I did, but when Buffy died I stayed to help keep the Niblet safe and to take care of her. There were bills to pay for the house and for her school. It took up the money within the first two months."

"What about the others? They weren't helping with Dawn?"

"They were all grieving and they couldn't really be there for her. Red and Glenda had school. Anya and the Whelp had work and their own house to look after. Giles stayed for the funeral and then he left for the mother country. Everyone was so lost in their own lives that Niblet was being neglected. I promised Buffy I would look out for Dawn no matter what so I stayed even though I really wanted to leave. She would come by the crypt after school and I would take her home at night for dinner that first month. I found out on the second month that no one was paying the bills and she didn't really have any food. So I paid the back rent and rent after that plus the utilities and the food. She needed school supplies. After three months the money was gone."

"I didn't know any of that. I assumed by what Willow said that they were all looking after Dawn. I know Willow and Tara moved in to help Dawn. They never said anything about you."

"Don't surprise me. They ignored me when I was there. After that first month I started staying at the house so I could be there in the morning for the Niblet and be there at night to help her with her homework and cook dinner. I would then go and patrol all night before the day started all over again. When Buffy came back they stopped ignoring me and started to go back to the way things were. Them telling me to leave Buffy and Niblet alone. She would have been homeless and starved and they wouldn't even have noticed."

"Grief makes people act in strange ways you know that. At least Dawn had you there for her."

"Still does."

"Why did you leave last night then if you are going back there?"

"Just needed a breather. Some time to heal up. I don't know where I'm going yet. I'll figure it out later. I'll go back in two weeks. I'll call her later and let her know so she doesn't worry."

"Did you leave, because this human is going to come back for you?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does matter. Spike a human did this kind of damage to you. What the hell did they even use?"

"Just their fists."

"What kind of human has this much strength? You look like a demon beat you up or a vampire. The only type of human with this type of strength are Slayers."

Spike didn't say anything and he wouldn't even turn his head in Angel's direction. Angel instantly felt confusion and anger fill his body at Spike's reaction. He would have never thought that Buffy would ever do this to Spike. He couldn't fight back, even if he could he wouldn't. Angel could still clearly remember the times that Drusilla was out of her mind and beating Spike. He would never defend himself. He would never raise his hand to her, because he loved her and he believed that you don't hurt the woman you love.

"Buffy did this to you?" Angel asked softly with shock to his voice.

"It doesn't matter."

"It does matter Spike. Why do you keep saying that?" Angel asked not even bothering to hide his anger.

"Because I don't matter ok?" Spike snapped as he opened his eyes and looked at Angel.

"What are you talking about?" Angel asked with anger.

"I don't matter. I'm just some evil, soulless thing. I can't feel anything so it doesn't matter what happens to me." Spike said sadly.

"Is that what she told you?"

"She's not the only one."

"Spike you are not some evil, soulless thing. You don't have a soul, but you aren't evil anymore. You have been helping them fight demons. Taking care of Dawn. Evil monsters don't do that. You don't need a soul to be good. What the hell has happened to you? You've never been like this, even when Angelus got a hold of you. Why would Buffy beat you like this? Help me understand this Spike." Angel said with a plead in his voice.

Spike let out a sigh. He just wanted to sleep, but it was too late now. He had to tell Angel what had been happening, but he wasn't going to tell him about the club. He wasn't going to show him just how weak and pathetic he had become.

"After she came back she was having a hard time. She was going through the motions and just struggling. One night we kissed the next night she told me it was a mistake and it didn't mean anything. A few nights later we're making out at the Bronze and then we're screwing around. That first month everything seemed fine. She would come by when she had that need and then leave. She started to get stressed and overwhelmed though with life. She was in Heaven and her friends took her out of it. She's angry at them, but she can't hurt them. She can hurt me though. When she gets too angry and upset she'll come to me and beat me up then leave. She'll come back the next night to make it up to me. Tonight it wasn't her fault. Someone's been screwing around with her. She thought she killed some innocent woman. She might have I don't know. She said the world seemed weird when she was trying to fight, like the time changed. She was going to turn herself in and I tried to stop her. She beat me until I couldn't get back up and then went into the station anyways. By the time I got up and got back to my crypt it wasn't that far away from sunrise. I figured I would leave for a couple of weeks to heal and give her some space. She'll come by tomorrow or the day after looking for some make-up sex and I just can't handle that right now. So I left. I still need to call Niblet and let her know. It's not Buffy's fault she just can't take her anger out on anyone."

"Spike you do know you sound like an abuse victim right? She beat you in an alley and left you there. You could have died when the sun came up. Yet she's going to come by later and want sex from you. That makes it ok?"

"It wouldn't be the first time." Spike said softly more to himself, but with Angel being a vampire he heard it anyways.

"What do you mean it wouldn't be the first time? What wouldn't be?"

"Nothing. I don't want to talk about it ok?" Spike said softly.

"Spike what are you keeping from me?"

"I don't want to talk about this, not with you."

"Why not?"

"Because you won't believe me." Spike said softly.

"I can tell when you are lying Spike. Tell me what you meant by that. I can see that you want to tell someone what has been happening. You can tell me Spike. I'll believe you." Angel said calmly.

Spike let out an unneeded, but shaky breath before he started. Angel was right he did need to tell someone, even if Angel yelled and called him a liar. At least he would have told someone finally after six months of this.

"The beatings haven't been this bad, but sometimes they get pretty bad. The next night she usually comes by and at first I thought it was to apologise, but she just wants sex so she can feel something other than anger. There's been a few times when I'm in too much pain and I don't want it. She doesn't care though and just does it anyways and then leaves once she gets off. When I'm not beat up and she comes by for sex it's just that sex. Once we're done she'll punch me across the face and then gets up and leaves. Before the whole sex thing she used to come by just to talk and hang out. I didn't expect that to change, but it did. She doesn't even want me around when she patrols now. She doesn't want me around Niblet much either. She gets upset when she comes by after school without her permission. I'm just tired. I just need a couple of weeks away and then things will be fine. I'm just tired." Spike said the last part more to himself, but Angel knew he was trying to convince himself that two weeks away and everything would be fine.

Angel knew it wouldn't just make everything better. Spike was basically in an abusive relationship, with Buffy of all people. Angel could understand being dragged out of Heaven would have been traumatic. Dying the way that she did would have been traumatic, but she would have been dead and unaffected by it. Now she was alive and having to deal with everything, but she wasn't doing it the right away. She had no right to hurt Spike like this. She had no right to beat Spike then show up the next night expecting sex whether he was in the shape to or not. Spike was a guy and they could get it up off friction alone, but that didn't mean they wanted it. If she was going to do that the least she could have done was to get him off while he was going through it. Angel couldn't help but feel bad for Spike. He loved Buffy and Angel knew for certain that he did. To risk his own danger by looking after a human teenager was proof of that. Spike would have lost any future jobs with demons once everyone found out he was raising a human girl. It was against the code. Killing each other happened all the time, but you don't play human when you aren't. The fact that ten months ago was the last time he had a steady job was proof of that. Angel could also feel the Sire in him growing angrier and angrier at Buffy. He knew that she had been going through a hard time, but to beat Spike and then practically rape him afterwards was just down right cruel. The sweet girl that he fell in love with would never do something like that, especially when Spike couldn't even defend himself against her. It all made sense though why Spike was like this. For the past ten months he has been struggling with raising a teenager, no money for food so he was starved half the time, plus being abused by the woman he loves. Angel let out a sigh and rubbed his hands over his face. He couldn't believe how much his Childe had been through recently.

"I'm sorry Spike. She doesn't have any right to do this to you. You don't deserve this shit. You don't deserve to be abused by her or anyone."

"It's not abuse. She's just going through a hard time right now. It's nothing I can't handle. I just need a couple of weeks to heal and then I have to go back and take care of Niblet. I promised her that I wouldn't leave her. I can't break that promise to her. Buffy just needs some time. I'm just tired everything will be fine once I get some sleep. I just need sleep." Spike said weakly and Angel knew he was trying to convince himself that he could keep doing this.

Angel got up off the bed as he spoke.

"You got one thing right, you need sleep. We can talk more about this once you've rested and eaten something."

Angel went over to the other side of the room and grabbed some black silk sleep pants. While he did this Spike kicked off his boots and moved the blanket so he could get under the covers. Angel came back over to the bed in just his silk black sleep pants before he got in under the covers on the other side of the bed. Spike made sure he was on his back so he wouldn't agitate his broken ribs any more than he already would by laying down. Together they both fell asleep silently being comforted by the smell of the other.

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Angel woke up a few hours later with the sense that something was wrong. He didn't know what but he could feel it and it was strong enough to wake him out of a dead sleep. Angel sat up and looked over at Spike to see if he felt it to. Usually Spike felt things a lot stronger than he did so he was sure that Spike was awake and wondering himself. Only when Angel looked down at Spike he was what was wrong. He was no longer breathing despite the fact that he didn't need to, Spike still breathed like a human. Right now he wasn't and his skin was a sickly grey color. Angel knew immediately what was wrong with him. He had seen it before with other vampires. It was what happened when you lost too much blood and were on the verge of death. Angel threw the covers off and looked at Spike. He saw that his stomach was completely black and Angel knew that he was bleeding out internally. Angel didn't know what the cause of it was, but he knew it was from the internal bleeding that Spike had after what Buffy did to him. Apparently, it was worse then what he himself and Spike thought it was. Angel knew Spike needed blood, but he needed something stronger than pig's blood. Angel didn't even hesitate he changed face and brought his fang against his wrist and cut it deep enough to bleed for Spike to be able to drink it. Angel then tilted Spike's head back and placed his now heavily bleeding wrist against Spike's mouth. He just needed to get some down Spike's throat and then the demon inside of Spike should take over and begin to drink. After a few seconds Spike began to swallow the blood and began to drink from the wrist. He didn't wake up or change his face and Angel knew that meant he was more weak and sick than Angel had thought. Angel knew his blood would help heal Spike faster. He had to give it to him a few times over the next day or two and with rest Spike should be fine. After five minutes Spike stopped drinking and Angel was thankful for that. He was starting to get dizzy from the blood loss. He watched as Spike stayed sleeping, but he could see his color getting better. He had to give Spike enough blood over the course of two days to heal his internal injuries. In two hours he would give Spike some pig's blood to boost his own blood in his system. Then later he would give Spike some more of his blood to heal him. Angel let out a sigh as he got up. He put the covers back over Spike before he went over to his closet to get dressed. He wasn't about to go back to sleep while he needed to watch Spike to make sure he doesn't bleed out again. He put on his jeans and a simple t-shirt before he left the room and headed down to the kitchen to get some blood into himself. He could tell by the sun that it was just before noon. He heard his team in the kitchen and Angel figured he would tell them now about Spike instead of trying to hide it. Angel didn't know what was going to happen with Spike. He did know that he wasn't going to let Spike leave in the condition that he was in.

Angel walked into the kitchen to see his team all standing around talking and drinking coffee. Angel went over to the fridge to grab some blood and warm it up for himself.

"Angel, you are up awfully early. Is everything alright?" Wesley asked.

"No actually there is something you guys need to know." Angel said he figured it was now or never. He couldn't exactly hide Spike from them.

"What's up?" Gunn asked.

"Spike is here." Angel said.

"Who?" Gunn asked.

"Spike is a vampire. He is Angel's Childe and he is evil." Wesley said.

"Why is Spike here? He tried to kill us back in high school remember? Parent teacher night really didn't go over so well." Cordelia said.

"Wait he tried to kill you guys? Why aren't we stakin' him?" Gunn asked slightly angry that Angel would let a threat into their home.

"It's not that simple." Angel started.

"Sounds simple to me. He's evil and a threat to us." Gunn said.

"Spike is Angel's Childe, Angel is his Sire. For Angel to kill Spike it wouldn't be that easy. Angel and Spike have a blood bond and to kill Spike would be like killing part of himself." Wesley said.

"But you tried to kill Darla and Drusilla. Isn't that the same thing?" Fred asked.

"It's a different type of bond. Spike and I have a stronger bond then I do with Drusilla. As for Darla she is my Sire not my Childe, it's still harder to kill her, but if it's for the good of the world then I can do some without hurting myself too much. Spike and I have a different bond it's stronger, or it used to be stronger before my soul. Now it's just complicated." Angel said.

"So I'll stake him." Gunn offered.

"No one is staking him or hurting him. He is under my protection just like the rest of you." Angel said in a serious voice.

"Why is he here?" Wesley asked. He was the only one who could understand the bond between them. Not fully, but he still understood it more than the others.

"He showed up just before sunrise severely beaten. He just wanted to spend the night here to wait out the sun. He said he would be gone when the sun goes down tonight." Angel answered.

"Perfect I'll hold the door for him." Cordelia said.

"He's not leaving. He's in no condition to be leaving. It's why I'm up this early. He was bleeding internally he almost died a few minutes ago. The beating was more severe than either of us thought. I think his spleen exploded or something for him to bleed so much internally." Angel said.

"Where was he attacked?" Wesley asked.

"In Sunnydale." Angel answered.

"Why did he come all this way if he was so hurt?" Fred asked.

"He wanted out of Sunnydale for a couple of weeks to heal. It's a long story and I didn't know about any of it until this morning when he told me."

"So what's the story?" Gunn asked.

Angel grabbed his mug out of the microwave and took a drink before he turned back to answer.

"Two years ago Spike was in Sunnydale and was taken by a Government Agency called the Initiative. They captured demons and vampires and do experiments on them. They put a microchip into Spike's brain to make it so he can't hurt humans. He can't fight them or bite them without extreme pain shooting through his head." Angel started.

"That was two years ago and you are just finding this out now?" Wesley asked surprised that no one had told Angel beforehand.

"Spike thought I knew. He went to Giles after it happened, but there was nothing they could do. Giles should have told me immediately he knows better being a Watcher. Buffy should have told me even, but no one did. I would have checked in on him to make sure he was able to keep feeding." Angel said.

"So he hasn't been able to eat in two years? Fred asked.

"He's been able to get money from the odd demon job and apparently Buffy would give him ten to twenty bucks for information on something happening in Sunnydale. When Buffy died Spike made the decision to take care of Dawn when after the first month it was clear no one else was. No one had paid the rent or got much food. Spike found out and used the money he had saved up to pay the rent and the bills in the house. He was practically living there while Buffy was dead." Angel said.

"That couldn't have gone over well with the demon population." Wesley said.

"I didn't. Spike hasn't been able to get a job from them in ten months." Angel said.

"Why? It didn't matter before why would it matter all of a sudden?" Fred asked.

"Because it's one thing to kill your own kind. It happens all the time. It's another to play human. Spike lost everything when he made the decision to raise Dawn, a human teenager. What little protection and respect he had within the demon world for being a Master Vampire was gone. Spike is now on his own in the demon world and in the human world. He can't even defend himself against a human." Angel said.

"So what did some demons want some pay back then and beat him up?" Gunn asked starting to get a little interested in the story.

"Buffy was in Heaven as you guys know, but when she came back she was and is upset. She's hurt and angry at her friends for what they did. I still don't know what happened the night she died, not completely or how they brought her back fully. Spike told me that she had been going through the motions and having a hard time feeling anything at all besides anger. Last night Buffy beat the hell out of Spike in an alley outside of a police station and then left him there."

"Buffy did?" Cordelia asked shocked. Buffy wasn't one to hurt someone who couldn't fight back.

"Is that unusual?" Fred asked.

"Buffy has this thing where she won't hurt a human or anyone harmless. If Spike can't fight back there was no point in hurting him." Cordelia said.

"And there wasn't. Since Buffy has been back someone has been messing around with her. She thought she killed a woman and she was going to turn herself in. Spike went to stop her. Tried to get her to see that one dead girl doesn't tip the scales. That she was needed and can't go to jail for the rest of her life. Buffy then attacked him and didn't stop even once he was down. All of his ribs are broken, he has massive internal bleeding as well as bruising all over his face. He wasn't a threat to her once he was down, but she continued anyways. If he hadn't gotten up he would have still been there when the sun came up and be dead right now."

"Holy crap. What is her deal?" Cordelia asked.

"I don't know. According to Spike they have had a relationship of sorts. They have been sleeping together and this isn't the first time she has attacked him and he hasn't been able to fight back. She's been abusing him essentially for the past six months." Angel said with a slight anger to his voice.

"Are you sure he's telling the truth?" Gunn asked.

"I can tell when he is lying and he wasn't. He didn't even want to tell me, because he believed I wouldn't believe him. He's telling the truth though." Angel answered.

"What the hell happened to her? I mean she was always so high and mighty about not harming the helpless and all that crap. Now she's using and abusing a vampire who can't even fight back." Cordelia said.

"A vampire who fell in love with her. Even if he could hit her he still wouldn't have. He won't raise his hand to the woman he loves. Drusilla used to beat the hell out of him during her moments and he wouldn't hurt her. He just takes it." Angel said.

"So what's his plan then?" Gunn asked.

"I haven't really talked to him about it in depth. He just said that he was looking to crash for the night here and then he would be on his way. He's going to stay out of Sunnydale for two weeks then go back." Angel answered.

"Where is he going to go during the rest of the two weeks?" Fred asked.

"He's not going anywhere. He's in no shape to be traveling with his injuries. He's staying here. If I had it my way he wouldn't be going back to Sunnydale, but I understand he has his reasons, whatever they might be." Angel said.

"It's probably Dawn. I mean he threw everything away just to take care of her while Buffy was dead. He wouldn't want to abandon her after doing all that. By leaving he probably feels like he is." Cordelia said.

"I get that, but he can't look after her if he's not strong enough. He hasn't had any real blood in a month. The first bit of blood he had in a month was last night and I gave it to him. He can't just not eat and keep getting beat up by Buffy when she is angry at her friends. I don't want him in that environment when there is clearly no one looking out for him." Angel said.

"We understand that Angel. Maybe the others don't know though." Wesley supplied.

"I don't know what they do or they don't know. When Spike is able to I'll be speaking to him about it and finding out. For now he's staying here so I can make sure he gets back to being healthy." Angel said.

"Do you need anything?" Fred asked.

"No I'm going to give him some blood to help get him healed. Do we have any clients right now?" Angel asked.

"Not yet, but something might come up." Cordelia said.

"Let me know if there is something that needs to be taken care of." Angel said before he went over to the fridge to get some blood for Spike.

Angel warmed it up in a mug and once the blood was warm enough he headed back upstairs to his room. He walked in and saw that Spike was still sleeping where he had left him. Angel could see that Spike's color was getting better and he was hoping that Spike would be able to wake up to drink the blood. Angel sat the mug of blood down on the bedside table before he sat down on the edge of the bed facing Spike. Angel could see that Spike's color was improving, but it wasn't back to normal. He also knew that Spike would be in pain for a good few days still and Angel was hoping he could just get Spike to sleep through the next few days until he was in better condition. Angel reached out and ran his thumb over Spike's cheek and called his name.

"Spike, come on wake up."

Spike stirred a little at the touch of Angel's thumb and hearing his name. Spike opened his right eye as his left eye was swollen shut. Angel could see the pain clearly all over Spike's face and he could feel it coming off from him. The blood that he had given Spike not even an hour ago had strengthen the weakened bond that they had shared at one point. Angel was able to feel Spike's pain through their bond. It wasn't the full extent, but Angel knew by the time Spike is healthy enough to leave that the bond will be back to full strength that it had been when he first sired Spike.

"You need blood. Do you think you can sit up to drink some?" Angel asked calmly.

Spike just gave a nod and Angel helped Spike to sit up. Angel went to sit behind Spike to help hold him up so he could drink. Angel picked up the mug and handed it to Spike. Spike held onto the mug, but Angel kept his hand on it as well, because he could feel that Spike didn't have the strength back yet. Once the blood was gone Angel placed the mug back down and moved away from behind Spike slowly so Spike could lie back down. Once Spike was back to lying down he was starting to shake once again from the pain.

"Something doesn't feel right." Spike said with pain clearly in his voice.

"You are bleeding more internally then we thought. I think your spleen erupted and you almost died. I had to give you some of my blood to keep you alive. With enough blood you should be fine in a few days."

Spike closed his eyes as he spoke. "You gave me your blood? You never give me your blood." Spike's voice was soft, but Angel could hear the confusion in his voice.

"You needed something stronger than pig's blood. Its fine don't worry about it. You need rest just sleep." Angel said calmly.

Spike was still shaking, but he had his eyes closed and Angel knew he was trying to block out the pain so he could sleep. After a few minutes Angel knew that Spike had fallen asleep. Angel was tired himself so he decided he would lay down and try and get some sleep before he had to wake Spike up to get him to feed again. Spike needed as much blood as he could get into him during the next two weeks so he could be back to full health once again. Angel went over and got changed before he went and crawled back into bed and fell asleep.