AN: it's been a while since I've seen the whole Clannad series and I plan to re-watch it :) I hope you enjoy the story, I have big plans for this one
-Chapter 1
The small apartment was dark; nothing seemed to be living there, and yet there was. Tomoya looked down at the crying newborn in his arms. He wasn't sure how long she had been crying or how long he had tried calming her, if he had at all. His mind swam with several things and it was hard to focus on anything; he needed to go back to work and make a living, Nagisa, the housework had to be done, Nagisa, the baby needed diapears, Nagisa. It seemed like Nagisa took up most of his thinking, her beauitful face etched in his mind. But Nagisa had been gone for a week, or was it two weeks now? He wasn't sure. He thought he went to a funeral, at least he remembered something where a group of people he knew including friends from his school days and Nagisa's parents had been gathered around in tears. No, it couldn't be real though, he had to have imagined them standing around a memorial, crying, but if that was so..where was she? Where was his wife?
The baby was still crying and had finally driven Tomoya to look back down at her, trying to rock her gently, but it wasn't working and Tomoya was in no state to try very hard. He had dark circles under his eyes and a blank, exhausted stare. He rose to his feet, supporting the child and swayed slightly as he headed to the door, how long had he been sitting there in the same position? When he got to the door he pulled on his coat, one sleeve at a time so he could still hold his daughter in one arm and opened the door to leave. The cold air hit him and he paused for a couple of seconds before going out into the snow. Instinctively, he held the baby closer to him so she wouldn't get too cold, having her already wrapped in a warm blanket. The trip to his in-laws seemed longer than he remembered and yet it was no time before he was at their door.
He only had to give a couple of good knocks on the front door before he heard it open slowly and Nagisa's parents standing before him, dressed in their night robes. They had surprised looks on their faces as they stared at Tomoya, who was still in his pajamas and a coat carrying Ushio, crying and clearly in need of better attention. Before either of them could say anything, Tomoya handed Ushio to Senae, who like him, immediately shielded her from the cold. Tomoya stared unblinking at his in-laws whose mouths were moving, but he didn't register what they were saying, as if he had temporarily gone deaf. He struggled to get home, he later suspected that Akio tried to stop him from leaving in his current state but he must have argued and fought his way back to his apartment because he found himself taking out his key and unlocking the door and entering the familiar surroundings of his home, not that it felt like home anymore.
The apartment was barely lit by the kitchen light which he didn't remember keeping on, but it wasn't the first time he had left it on in an attempt to warm a bottle for Ushio. He forcefully made his way to the kitchen and turned off the light so darkness filled every inch of the place, only lit now by what moonlight was hitting the floor from the large window. Tomoya sank slowly onto his bed next to the moon lit floor and looked toward the window, a memory suddenly flooding back to him, it was Nagisa's unmistakable voice, "I think..I want to have a baby...do you think that could happen?" It was in that very spot by the window that she had asked him that. Tomoyo got under the covers and turned his back on the window and as he closed his eyes to sleep, her face appeared with a cheerful smile, "Nagisa" he whispered before he let dreams of her take him away, take him away from all the pain.
The next morning Tomoya woke to the auroma of breakfast coming from the kitchen, he kept his eyes closed just taking in the smell. For a moment he imagined Nagisa cooking him breakfast in her cute appron with that smile of hers. Yes, that had to be it, she was cooking him breakfast and everything else had been a bad dream, she was still alive. But then someone spoke, it wasn't Nagisa's cheerful voice, instead it was a deeper, almost demanding voice, "Tomoya, wake up, breakfast is almost ready." Tomoya moaned and opened his eyes. Turning his head to the side he could see the outline of a girl with long silvery hair, she was wearinig Nagisa's appron. Before his mind could register who it was, an anger wailed up inside of him, how dare this girl wear Nagisa's appron, she wasn't Nagisa. "Take it off," he muttered in a low cold tone. The girl didn't seem to hear him and this time he shouted, "Take off that appron!"
The girl spun around to face him in shock, it was..Tomoyo? Tomoyo looked down at the appron and seemed to realize her crime, "I thought I would come by and fix you breakfast since you wasn't even awake and this is the only appron I could find in the house...I'm sorry, I should have brought my own." She began slipping the appron over her head keeping her eyes to the floor as she folded the appron neatly and placed it where she found it. Tomoya's mind seem to regain itself and he stood, feeling a hint of guilt, "I'm sorry, I just didn't expect you to be here," the words didn't feel sincere as he said them, he just said what came to him first. Tomoyo seemed to notice this but didn't say anything and silently finished the breakfast and made a plate for Tomoya and placed it on the low table in the living area of the apartment.
Tomoya sat down at the table and stared down at the food, it looked wonderful; grilled fish, boiled rice, miso soup, nori and a beautiful omlette roll, but he wasn't in the mood to eat. Tomoyo remained standing as if refusing to sit until he took a bite, "Please at least try to eat, you have to keep up your strength." Did he? Did he really have to keep up his strength? Why? For who? It seemed that Tomoyo didn't plan to leave him alone about it until he ate some of the food, so he picked up his chop sticks and began sampling the meal, it was delicious, but it only satisfied his stomach. Tomoyo let out a deep breath, possibly holding her breath for that one moment. When Tomoyo was satisfied she turned and began walking to the kitchen to clean up. Tomoya's eyes slowly looked up to follow her movement, 'I took a bite, now you can leave,' he thought, bitterly, but he didn't say this out loud.
Tomoya forced himself to eat another bite, he wasn't sure why, perhaps it was too delicious to refuse at least a small amount. Tomoyo began washing the dishes and utensils she used to prepare the meal, the clinking and splashing sounds, along with words he wasn't paying attentoin to like "I let myself in with the spare key," filled Tomoya's ears as he glanced dully up at the clock. He immidiately did a double-take and his eyes widened, "Why didn't you wake me sooner!?" he exclaimed with a mouthful of omlette he just cramed in his mouth, bits of egg splattering the table. He jumped to his feet and hurried to find his work clothes. Tomoyo ignored the rudeness in his words as she scrubbed a plate, "I didn't think you were in any condition to work today." "That is my business to judge you know," he had appeared at her side frowning slightly with his work clothes hasitly thrown on and before she could reply to this he was headed for the door to slip on his shoes.
As he did so he barked, "Lock up before you leave," and he slammed the door behind him as he left. The sound of the door made Tomoyo wince and she looked down at the water dripping off the plate she was now holding out of the sud-filled sink. She wasn't sure how long she stared at the plate but there was a sudden knock at the door and opened it before the person could knock twice. It was Senae and she was craddling little Ushio in her arms, wrapped snug in a thick but soft blanket. Senea blinked, "Oh, Tomoyo, I didn't know you were coming here." Tomoyo nodded, "After I left to check on things at the bakery I came over straight away to see if I could get..I don't know..some response out of him," she looked unsure and helpless. "Oh I see," replied Senea, "I brought Ushio hoping Tomoya would want to spend time with her, is he here?" Tomoyo shook her head regretfully, "He left for work, I was just cleaning up before I left."
For the first time since Senea arrived, Tomoyo looked down at Ushio. Her little hands were in fists and her mouth was moving as if she was talking wordlessly and her eyes scanned all around her. She was adorable, Tomoyo couldn't see why Tomoya wouldn't want to hold his daughter every minute he could. Unaware they were being watched, Senea and Tomoyo went inside the house to clean the place up a bit before Tomoya would return home.
Below, in front of the apartment building, Kyou and Ryou stood in the fallen snow, both was looking up at the apartment where Tomoya lived wtih sad looks. "I suppose he still refuses to take care of Ushio," said Kyou with her arms crossed and looking slightly sulky. "It's really sad, isn't it? I wish there was something we could do to bring them together," Ryou replied. "Maybe one good kick will straighten him out," Kyou demonstrated, only half joking. "Kyou, we can't do that, he can't help that he's depressed and still mourning Nagisa." Kyou sighed and began walking away tromping through the snow, trying to think of a way to get him out of this daze, Ryou following her. "At least he's trying to work now," spoke Ryou looking down at the ground, "since Nagisa's been gone he just wasn't doing anything." Kyou shrugged, still having a bad feeling about it, "Maybe, but the way Akio and Senea talk he's still pretty unresponsive."
They shared suggestions but no matter what they came up with nothing seemed like a good enough plan. It just seemed hopeless.
The next couple of weeks seemed no better. Though Tomoya's freinds tried to help (even Youhei had turned up to try and get him back to normal) all he wanted to do was work. His friends feared he just wanted to work himself to death, or possibly would. He refused to look after Ushio, always leaving her in the care of Akio and Senea, not that they didn't love their granddaughter, but they knew she needed to be with her father. Ushio was a month old now and growing as a normal one month old would. Though she didn't know that her mother was gone and her father rarely put time in for her, she was a happy little baby because she was surrounded with love and attention. Though they all missed Nagisa, Ushio somehow numbed the pain in a way only Nagisa's own daughter could do and brought a certain light to all of them, except Tomoya it seemed. Youhei, Kyou, Ryou, Tomoyo, Fuko and Komoti, when she visited from America, would visit the bakery so they could check on Tomoya's progress and play with Ushio.
They all wanted to help when they could. One day they were all sitting in the back room of the bakery, handing Ushio back and forth among then, while Akio and Senea worked in the front. Fuko wanted to hold her the most of course, she taken a real liking to Ushio, but she gave the others a chance to hold her while she hovered behind them to watch over their shoulders. "My turn!" said Youhei and he outstretched his arms in Komoti's direction, who was carefully rocking her. Kyou gave him a stren look, "You better hold her right, if you drop her you're dead." "I'm not going to drop her, sheesh," he replied with his eyebrows raised while Kotomi moved closer to him.
She carefully placed Ushio in his arms and showed him how to properly support her head. Youhei grinned, "Hey this is pretty cool, hey there, goochie goochie goo," he made funny faces at the bundle in his arms. Ushio blinked staring up at him then gave a smile, moving her arms. "She likes me," Youhei smiled like a proud uncle. Ryou smiled as she watched, "I wonder what it would be like to be a mother, it seems like it would be wonderful." Kotomi nodded with a smile agreeing, "I could teach my child all kinds of things." It was soon Kyou's turn again, but soon after she was handed to her, she didn't seem to keen on holding her anymore after she spit up on her. "Well that happens," said Ryou as she began wiping Ushio's mouth then Kyou's shirt with a burp cloth. Kyou looked at Tomoyo who hadn't said much, "Your turn, you haven't held her yet." Tomoyo looked a little surprised and nervous at the same time and waved her hands in front of her, shaking her head, "Oh no, that's ok, you guys go ahead."
"Come on," Kyou urged, "what if you have a baby one day, at least you'd know how to hold a little baby like this," without waiting for a reply she handed Ushio to Tomoyo. Tomoyo froze and looked down at Ushio's face, her eyes were closing and she yawned cutely, obviously getting tired from all the excitement. It was like nothing she had ever held, it was like holding something heavy and light at the same time, something that was so precious and fragile that making any sudden movement could be bad. Ushio seemed to want to sleep, but she could sense Tomoyo's nervousness and started to cry. "Oh no, what did I do?" paniced Tomoyo, holding Ushio away from her body as if to pass to someone else. "You freaked out that's what happened," said Kyou still rubbing the spot where Ushio spit up on her with the cloth so it wasn't noticible.
Ryou smiled reassuringly, "You just need to relax, I think babies pick up on things like that." Kotomi moved over to Tomoyo on her knees, sitting beside her on the floor and gently positioned Ushio closer to Tomoyo and showed her how to rock the baby soothingly, "This makes them feel like they're in the womb again, it calms them" she told her softly. Tomoyo watched Kotomi's movements carefully and mimicked her exactly which seemed to really do the trick, at least Ushio was calming down and closing her eyes to sleep. "Wow Kotomi, you're really good with babies," smiled Ryou. Fuko was now sitting beside Tomoyo on her other side grinning excitedly to be able to watch Ushio sleep. Youhei was sitting cross-legged across the table, quietly staring down at his shoeless feet.
Kyou looked over at him as if noticing a real difference in the noise, "Whoa, this is the quietest I think I've ever seen you Sunohara." Youhei looked around as if seeing who spoke and his eyes fell on Kyou, a weak smile on his face, "oh yeah, I was just thinking about Ukazaki," he placed his hands on his sock covered feet, "I've never seen him so down, it was worse than when I saw him at the funeral, at least then he was crying, now it's like he feels nothing and I feel so helpless," he let his hand, which was now in a fist, hit the floor in front of him. All six of them stared at the floor for a moment, the room fell silent. They only broke from the silence when Senea entered the room. "I'm sorry to interupt but it's time to give Ushio her bath," her eyes looked around at them all and stopped on Tomoyo with a soft smile.
Tomoyo came out of her daze and stood, almost forgetting she had a baby in her arms since Ushio had been asleep, "I should be going," she said handing her to Senea, "I have a lot to do," and with that she waved to the others and let herself out. The others all seemed to remember they needed to be elsewhere too because all of them was starting to stand and give Senea each their reasons, except Fuko who wanted to stay and help Senea give Ushio a bath before she went to sleep for the night.
As the group of friends left, they all explained what they would be doing, "I have to take the plane back to America tomorrow morning," Kotomi told them and they all told when they could meet up with each other again before saying their goodbyes. They all planned on certain days each of them would take turns going to Tomoya's apartment and check on him; Kyou said she could take Mondays and Wednesdays, Ryou agreed for Tuesdays and Thursdays, Tomoyo would drop by Friday mornings and Youhei could return from Tokyo on the weekends in which they would also meet up and give their reports and still do what they could to help with Ushio. It was still a difficult plan because Tomoya worked so much but they made it there mission to make sure he wasn't getting too depressed or working too hard.
The following Friday, Tomoyo walked up the stairs of the apartment building and across to the familiar room number. She knocked a few times and the door flew open so fast that she almost backed up against the banister running in front of the apartment rooms. Tomoya ran out of the apartment and talked in a hurried voice, "Gotta go, late for work, watch Ushio, Akio and Senea can't today," then he was gone. Tomoyo watched him run down the stairs and followed quickly, "Wait, what do I.." but he was now running across the street without looking back. Tomoyo sighed heavily and walked to the side of the opened door and peeked in, "Hello, I'm coming in." What was she doing? She didn't expect Ushio to know what she was saying. She slowly walked inside and shut the door behind her.
As she started removing her shoes at the door she heard a soft grunting noise. She walked in and toward the living area of the room. There she saw a small bassinet with the blankets inside moving. As she got closer and peered down into the bassinet she saw Ushio moving her arms and legs as her head turned from side to side, opening and closing her mouth. Tomoya gave her no instructions on what she should do for her and it was possible he didn't know himself so Tomoyo decided to try the first thing that came to her, "Are you hungry?" She headed to the kitchen and found some formula. She checked the directions, they were simple and she began making a bottle for Ushio. "There," she walked back over to the bassinet and sat down beside it. She carefully brought the nipple of the bottle to Ushio's small mouth and Ushio began sucking away at the milk. Tomoyo couldn't help but smile, "Well, this isn't too hard."
When Ushio seemed to get her fill of the formula, Tomoyo took the bottle to the sink and began washing it, unaware that Ushio might need burping. Ushio moved uncomfortably and started making grunting noises before starting to cry. Tomoyo turned her head and looked back in the room, "Oh what is it now?" She headed over to her and knelt down, "I'm not sure what you want, a diaper?" Tomoyo picked her up and felt the clothing stretching over her bottom, it was dry. Ushio kept crying and Tomoyo started to rock her the way Kotomi had done but this seemed to make it worse and Ushio began crying louder. Tomoyo looked at her helplessly with a slight panic in her eyes, she never felt this useless before. She placed Ushio back in the bassinet feeling the problem might be her, but that didn't work either.
"Shh," Tomoyo tried to soothe, "I want to help you, I just don't know how." How could Tomoya leave her like that? She wasn't sure if the Tomoya that wouldn't do anything was worse or this new work-a-holic Tomoya. Then she had an idea and she called the bakery from a list of numbers by the phone but there was no answer, Tomoya did imply they were busy. Tomoyo began to get tears in her eyes,, the baby's crying was upsetting, she didn't want to be useless to a baby, especially not Ushio, she was starting to really like her. "I'm sorry," she said and hurried out of the apartment and closed the door to block the crying and leaned against the door, letting her tears fall.
What was wrong with her, she was never this horrible at something, never this vulnerable. She didn't know what to do, everyone would be busy. She slipped down onto the walkway of the apartment building, still resting against the door and cried along with Ushio, if Nagisa saw her now she would be surprised and possibly dissapointed in her friend. No, she had to do something, she couldn't just stay out here in the cold until Tomoya got back, what if Ushio really needed her.
Something urged her to go back inside and she opened the door wiping away her tears and made her way back cautiously to the bassinet, "Shhh," Tomoyo's voice shook but she knelt down and placed a hand on Ushio's torso, "it's ok." She carefully picked her up and placed her on her shoulder the way she saw Senea do one time and pat her back gently. Ushio gave a small burp and relaxed against Tomoyo. Tomoyo blinked and held Ushio out in front of her, who seemed to look back at her with the same surprised look. Tomoyo chuckled then started laughing and brought Ushio close to her so their noses touched. Ushio seemed to smile a little and try to grab Tomoyo's nose. For a brief instant Tomoyo thought she heard the soft music of the Big Dango Family song.