Disclaimer: I do not own J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings or any of its characters. I do however own every wacky bit of this version.

Rolyat's The Lord Of The Rings

Once upon a time in Rivendale there was a elf girl named Arwen.

One day Arwen was walking through a dark, deep forest.

Suddenly, a tall, green with pink polka dots, hunched over salamander jumped out of a monkey tree and grabbed her and threw her into his pink backpack.

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Five years later, Arwen's father Dinkeltoes, king of the elves, walked into his daughters bedroom and screamed like a little girl. "OMFG I just crapped my pants! Oh, and my daughters gone."

So Dinkletoes heroically dashed to the cupboard to get some chocolate chip cookies, then to the freezer for some pink bubble gum ice cream.

Later that day a guard walked by the royal bathroom and heard sobbing from inside. He opened the door to find his king crying there with a spoon in his hand, hovering over an empty tub of ice cream.

"Where is my daughter?" the king whimpered.

"Well, my king, you know you could just send out some people to look for her," the guard said.

So later that day 10 and a half Elvin soldiers marched forward lead by the amazing Aragorn.

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Arwen watched the hideous salamander thing in front of her from her cage.

"The potatoes are very curios," he said while making their cheesy potato stew, "but the cheese is good."

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTT! Suddenly a loud fart filled the air with salamander stench.

"Mmmmmm…… CHEESE……"

"Ew! That smells worse than my dad when he hasn't showered in five seconds!" Arwen exclaimed.

She had become sort of used to this smell. The salamander was from Sour Milk Swamp.

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Dinkletoes still sat in the bathroom two weeks after the soldiers had left to search for Arwen.

"More ice cream your royal fattiness?" a servant asked from the doorway.

"No. Let's go save my daughter!" But the king was too fat to get up. He had gained 1325 pounds sitting in the bathroom eating munchies.

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The soldiers rushed to save Arwen. They all got lost except for Aragorn who knew the path.

One day Aragorn left the other 9 and a half elves to wander on their own.

He soon found the salamanders lair and snuck in the upstairs window. He entered into the salamanders bedroom to find Barney playing on the TV.

While the salamander and elf princess were downstairs, Aragorn got caught up in watching Barney. Suddenly he screamed at a scary part.

Then he remembered what he had to do. He tripped and bailed his way down the stairs into the kitchen where he saw the nasty looking monster baking apple pie in a pink apron.

And Aragorn clicked his tongue and said, "That's hott."

Arwen gasped as she saw him.

"My lady, I have come to save you!" Aragorn yelled.

Aragorn pulled out his gun and said, "Take this." The gun let out a small 'ping.' and killed the salamander.

Arwen rushed over to Aragorn and said, "Will you marry me?"

"YES……but do we have to live with your fat father?" Aragorn replied.

And they did. And they all lived happily ever after and had 123654789754818716789218716497198754982167065954679546972513456457978975424567894546545645854684545689754689754547578757845456454548454845454545484897549754875495489767975878949754579755875997487696969365214542552525256222223214452415455500001241255568747899663322554789211255555566669987414202232322545411212111414455658558,000000000000000000000 babies.

And all their names were either Aragorn Junior or Arwen Junior.

And they farted a lot.

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Authors Note: this story took a lot of time I'd say thanks to Robin (Eto svodit s uma) for typing this story …..