Dear Alice,
I have decided that Everclear can no longer be my friend. Why am I ending a 5-year relationship with such a reliable companion, you might ask. Because, he's just that. Reliable. He is always there when I need him, even when he is clearly not invited. In fact I'm pretty sure he's on the top of every list, at every club waiting to ambush me with his friendly hands. Take last night for instance.
We all know how I just got promoted. And we also know how your fiancé loves to party. I'm not sure why I agreed to couple Jasper's dance moves with my own drunken fallacies but lets just say Everclear was there to keep the questioning and rationalizations at bay….at least until I got hammered.
Now do trust that I have partied with Jasper before. I have known your fiancé far longer than you have as he is the brother I never wanted ever since that faithful day in the fifth grade when I became his next door neighbor.
I know how he works. You know how he works and the fact that you couldn't be there because you were sick shows me how much you value our friendship, or rather my safety. I absolutely understand that you are a lightweight and therefore I cannot blame you for puking all over your jimmy choos after only the third round of tonics. But what I cannot fathom is how you could leave me in my own drunken state with your poor excuse of a fiancé and not to mention my bestfrend Everclear.
You can only imagine my surprise when I woke up and felt shooting pain in my left hand finger after a night with your drunken sham of a lover. And seeing as you're a newly engaged woman Alice, I assume you know exactly what finger I'm talking about. Why was my brain shooting endless rays of pain to my left extremity?
Because I am tatted up, Alice.
Yes. I woke up, a newly inked woman. And do you know what I chose to brand myself with in my highly intoxicated state?
A capital letter E.
And surely we all know it does not stand for Everclear.
B.
Bella,
Oh My God.
Alice.
Bella,
I don't understand why you are not returning my phone calls. It's not my fault you got a tattoo when you were drunk.
If you don't want tattoos, don't drink.
Jasper.
P.S. Please tell Alice that she does not need that big of a cake. I mean seriously, not many people even like cake. Its all for decoration.
Jasper,
I think it is very clear why I haven't spoken to you. Besides Edward, you are the only male friend who is, dare I say, obligated to look out for me.
So how in the hell could you let this happen!
Was it a way to ensure that I will also never get engaged like you? Maybe spend a few more years in marital bliss without me overshadowing?
Well mission accomplished. And further more, good look on getting Wolf to cater the wedding as along with my friendship, that is another tie you have undoubtedly severed.
I would say good job, but I know your vein enough to do it for me.
P.S. I happen to like cake, and since you have just ruined my life, I think you should double your orders and shut the hell up.
P.S.S Do you know where my pink champagne glass is? You know the one from vegas? I cant find it.
B.
Bella,
Okay. Sorry about the last email. I just wasn't sure whether to laugh or to cry or to smile or to pat you on the back. I just wasn't sure.
But I'm good now and here to reassure you of the value I place on our friendship by sprinkling your life with a little advice from yours truly.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I regret drinking those tonics. Jimmy Choos are just not that forgivable.
But dare I say, that you and only you brought on this whole tattoo situation. . I mean seriously, if you hadn't worked so hard to get that promotion, than maybe Jasper wouldn't have felt the need to take us out partying. You wouldn't have forced me to down all those drinks, and I would have been there at the tattoo shop my fiancé dragged you to in order to drag your ass right back out.
But of course, being the overachiever that you are, you did what you did and now you will just have to suffer the consequences.
And being the best friend that I am, I went by Barney's during lunch and picked you up a little something something.
Your welcome.
Alice.
Alice,
Are you stupid? First of all I will not even address that stupid ramble about my overachievement.
It's called jealously bitch. And you don't wear it very well so go change.
Second of all, Alice I cannot believe you bought me a Gucci ring. Again dare I ask, are you stupid?
I cannot just simply place a ring on THAT finger and hope for the best. That finger is reserved for a ring that does not come from you. Besides, you don't think anybody is going to notice the 2,000-dollar ring on my ring finger and not say anything?
Yes that's right, I googled it and although I am extremely in favor of the size and cut, I simply cannot wear something that gaudy.
So I have rewrapped it and placed it in your drawer, along with this week's issue of People. I found the article on Surie's 500,000 dollar closet most interesting. Do read.
I hope you understand.
Bella.
P.S. I seriously am freaking out about this. How the hell do you explain to somebody that you imprinted their initial on the finger of all fingers? Furthermore, how do you explain this to someone without revealing that you are indeed in love with him or her. Just asking. Because, quite frankly I'm not exactly sure how a situation like this should be handled. I need more from you than a lousy, impeccable, beautiful Gucci ring. I'm dying here.
Bella,
If I'm being quite honest with you, I must make it exactly clear how extremely amusing I found your predicament.
With that said, I bought you a present in hopes of prolonging my entertainment.
Jasper.
Alice,
You seriously need to reevaluate the man in which you plan to marry. He couldn't be any more dense.
I show up this morning to my desk and guess what is lying on it? A small blue box. You know, the one that is secretly named Tiffany.
And then I found one in my dresser. In the refrigerator. In my panty drawer!!!!
What is wrong with you people?
Do you think this is funny? Did you set him up to this?
Tomorrow is Tuesday, Alice. The Tuesday. You know, the Tuesday once a month that Edward and I go to blockbuster and rent all the latest scary movies that we've been to cheap to see in the movie theater. This is a ritual. So while you and Jasper are sitting in your bedroom snickering away at my expense, I remain in reality, permanently screwed.
Alice, how am I going to survive a WHOLE NIGHT with Edward and his tattoo? Jesus, his tattoo. I sound like a stalker. A crazy woman who deluded herself into thinking that her best friend could possibly be harboring feelings for her, so much so as to get A TATTOO of his name on her hand.
Even if he notices and is totally cool about it, what the hell am I supposed to say?
Edward: this is a good movie.(he says reaching into her lap to grab some burnt kernels that she has just popped.)
Bella: yeah(she says reaching at the same time. Their hands meet and Edward immediately grabs hers, noticing the tattoo.)
Edward: when did you get this? (he asks, stuffing popcorn into his mouth)
Bella: last week with Jasper.
Edward: what does it stand for?
Bella: Edward.
Edward: hmmmm I like it.
Bella: well I was thinking that maybe you could get a matching one.
Alice, please help me. And DO NOT…I repeat do not tell Rose about this. She will tell Emmett and it will fly out of his mouth faster than the spit did when you had braces in the tenth grade. I am serious.
P.S. Tell Jasper he got a tattoo as well. It's just not in a very noticeable place. Perhaps you could help him find it and shut him the hell up.
B.
Bella,
I'm sorry for laughing at you. And pointing when you weren't looking. Okay?
Jeeze. But this does not necessarily have to be a bad thing. I mean, I was really beginning to think that you would never actually tell him how you felt. Now it's inevitable. Tattoos do not wash away like your rationalizations do. You have him on your skin FOR LIFE. He will find out whether you tell him or I tell him or Rose or Emmett or Jasper.
This is unavoidable. What are you going to do? Walk around in his apartment wearing gloves. And what about the rest of your life? Surely, the only solution is to just tell him.
Bella, you have loved Edward for years now. This is ridiculous. If you don't tell him now sooner or later he will find someone else and you will be forever lonely because nobody is going to want to marry someone who has a tattooed ring finger.
I swear to you he loves you too. Its obvious so just do us all a favor, and grow some balls. Preferably more than two because clearly, two is not enough. I mean look at Emmett. He and Rose have been dating for four years and he still hasn't put a ring on it.
P.S. Trust me, I looked up and down and in and out for ink on Jasper last night. I was pretty thorough if you know what I mean, so I will consider that declaration a lie.
Alice.
Alice,
Not everyone needs to be engaged like you. Emmett and Rose are just fine.
As am I. And there is a solution. Laser removal.
Bella.
Bella,
That is bull. If I had a nosebleed right now and emailed you about it, you would faint. You can't handle it, for you are weak.
P.S. Do I really have a tattoo I don't know of?
Jasper.
Jasper,
If I wanted to talk to you I would have emailed you. But I didn't. So stop stealing conversations with me through Alice.
You should have been there for me, but instead you paid someone to write one of my confessions on my hand for the world to see.
I'm not happy with you right now and I would recommend that you search harder for your tattoo because trust me. It's there.
Bella.
Bella,
It's eight. We usually meet at seven thirty. I am currently traversing the halls of blockbuster dodging Chauncey. You know, the guy that works at the cashier that you insist has a thing for me. Yah well, I must agree.
Seriously, where are you? You can't ditch me. There's something I really need to tell you.
Edward.
Edward,
I am on my way. There was traffic. Forget Chauncey and focus on getting the latest Saw. If you do not manage to get one, than I will be forced to purchase The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The original.
Bella.
Alice,
We have got a problem. Edward is introducing Tanya to Bella. Tonight
J.
Jasper,
What!! You told me that that was nothing to worry about! That Tanya was just a girl at the bar. Do you remember that Jasper? You said, "oh she's just some girl he met at a bar."
Jasper! She is walking around with his name on her finger, with hopes that maybe just maybe it wasn't all a waste.
We are terrible best friends. Okay. How could you have let her get that tattoo? And I swear, if I find a letter C on your arm or behind your ear, I will personally .CUT. IT. OFF.
Alice.
Alice,
You wont find a tattoo of a letter C because I don't have one. And I dated Courtney four years ago Alice. You stole me remember. I am marrying you. Clearly, I have waved my white flag therefore you have nothing to worry about. I'm yours for life. And hopefully a few more years of forever after that. Courtney did not stand a chance against you.
She was a blonde.
I love you and will love you until the day I just cant anymore. And I'm sure, you will not let this happen.
Jasper.
Jasper,
I did not steal you. I simply guided you in the right direction.
And what are we going to do about Bella!
Seriously Jasper, I'm starting to really resent Edward.
He knows. I'm sure of it. Ever since college, I could just tell he knew. I mean there was the whole Heather Wislet scenario. Do you remember that Jasper? When she got so drunk at Heather's party that she spilled her love affair to Aiden, his roommate? Even though he promised never to reveal such a thing to Edward, I have always had my doubts.
And now Edward is flaunting this call girl in front of her!
We have to stop Bella from going.
What is the plan?
Alice.
Alice,
He does not know. I'm his best friend. I would know, just like you know all of Bella's irritating girl secrets.
And there is no plan. You can't interfere, love. They will end up together eventually.
Jasper
P.S. she is not a call girl.
Jasper,
I'm calling her now and she's not answering. I would ask you to call her but surely you are the last person she wants to speak with.
I can't believe we let this happen. Do you think if I texted Edward and told him that my cousin knows this call girl and knows of her Herpes flare, that that would stop him?
Alice.
Alice,
Please come home. I am horny and hungry.
P.S. She is not a call girl. Edward would not date a call girl.
Jasper.
Jasper
Do you have feelings at all?
Alice
Alice,
Yes. Now come home so I can show you exactly how many feelings I have.
Jasper.
Jasper,
On my way.
A.
Alice,
I need advice. You know that thing I hired you to do for my magazine.
She's perfect, Alice. Strawberry blonde perfect.
Bella.