A/N: Hey hey. Well, it's a long time ago I published/updated something. But good news, the Heartbeats chapter is finished, I am waiting for my beta to correct it. *waves to Nick* So you'll have to be patient for a little time longer. Next week I'll start working on a chapter for 'Coming To Terms'.
So the reason for this one-shot ... I turn 17 today (I know, the 31th of December is a lame day to be born on). And I wanted to do something for all of you since you've been so good for me since I got here with my stories. So, this is of my way of saying 'Thank You'. It's rated 'T' but actually it's a tiny bit 'M' in the end, but nothing graphic really, just kind of for the sybolism. I hope it's doable since I kind of have the feeling it's a little bit messy. There is a chance I might be publishing another one-shot today, but it will not be for OTH. Maybe I'll update today, otherwise I hope I can get it finished before Monday, I'll see. So for the ones who might be interested.
One little thing, for the ones who haven't read anything I wrote, I am from Belgium and I speak Dutch in daily life, so this is the best I can do with the acknowledge I gained the last 4 years. So there are mistakes in there, so I have an explenation.
I hope you'll enjoy! I already wish everyone a happy 2009, may it be a year full happy memories, wonderful moments and may all your dreams come true.
Much love Veronique.
(PS, the second chapter are JUST THE LYRICS OF THE SONG)
Scars
Like the footsteps of people around her, seconds ticked away off the clock. On the same nervous pace as the heels of a businesswoman who happened to pass her by, trumped her heart in her chest. The terrified cry of a little boy who seemed desperately lost between the people rushing him by, the same form of terror formed around her heart. And like the letters and numbers changing on the blue screens flashed memories before her hazel eyes.
The chair on which she sat was rather uncomfortable. Or was it the spasmodic position that she had forced herself into? Hard to tell, the only two things she knew about it was the fact it was killing her back but decreasing the painful pressure on her belly.
Very slowly she breathed in and out, trying to keep a regular rate even through she felt enormously stressed and in a great state of impatience.
Her right foot nervously tapped on the floor as she waited to see one familiar face among the crowd of unfamiliar ones.
She was about to fish her cell phone out of her oversized purse when she saw him appear in her eye corner. Out of a million people, she would always recognize his pacific blue eyes, his dark blonde hair and his weird but cute nose.
"Peyton." He jogged to her, with bags in hand. Very cautiously she got up, making sure she had her purse with her as she rose. She didn't want to sit down on the seat again which back was against the one her fiancé had sit on before he even became her fiancé.
Their happiness, their pure bliss. Only months ago, compared to now. Now they stood here again. Worried and sad.
The look in his eyes was unmistakable one of fear and relieve battling for supremacy.
His arms flew around her, pressing her hard against him. Within' a second their lips were attached to each other. They couldn't stop, they were simply magnets draw to each other with the power of love. Every movement added a feeling to the kiss. The first one was joy of seeing each other back, the second was the worry that had brought them back together and the third one was pure desperation. Desperation for reassurance, she released as he embraced her even tighter.
"Please tell me you're okay Peyton?" He mumbled against her neck after breaking their moving kiss.
"I don't know." She answered honestly. This wasn't exactly a time to blossom things. She had been doing that for far too long now.
Without saying another word he just simply looked at her. His fingers gently tracing a line from her temple to her chin.
"You want me to drive?" Lucas' voice was one pool of concern as he looked at his girlfriend who looked as pale as the moon light coating the parking lot. He glanced over the lid of the opened trunk while putting his bags in it.
"I'll drive. You must be tired after this flight and me-"
"That's not the point Peyton. Do you want me to drive instead of you?" He asked again, closing the lid with a hollow thud.
"If you're not too tired than I rather want you to drive." She whispered tiredly in the nightly air. Tired of everything.
The drive home was silent if you excluded both blondes breathing and the accustomed noises of her old Mercury. Their thoughts were enough to fill the empty space. There was no need for words, the silence that sneaked through the gaps out of the car, caring nothing out but their breaths and not the thoughts they just hoped that would disappear with the cold wind.
They both silently agreed to avoid the topic that had caused her to call and caused him to rush home. The tiredness marking both of them, not the good foundation for the conversation that was about to come up.
Peyton slipped into her 'comfort pyjamas', the pyjamas she always wore when Lucas was away. The basketball shorts he had won the State Champion in and one of his blue flannel shirts. The mix of nostalgia, softness, comfort and his sent.
He couldn't possibly help the faint smirk that tugged on his corners of his lips at the sight of her as he watched from the doorway. Her long blond wisps falling gracefully around her weary face. She's so beautiful, a pained beauty, in so many ways.
She weakly smiled back and closed her hazel eyes. The moment she drew in a breath the sharp, stabbing pain kicked in again. She sucked her breath in deeper, for some sort of reason it decreased the pain a little. Every sting made her die a little inside. Maybe if she held her breath long enough, her brain would suddenly decide to plug out and don't recognize the feeling of pain anymore. Maybe her heart would stop and …
"Peyton." Her thinking was distrusted by his affectionate, gentle voice. She opened her eyes again to find him kneeled down in front of her. The look in his eyes all worry, his sensitive fingertips brushing against her even more sensitive skin of her forehead.
"You feel a little warm. Maybe we should go to bed." He flashed her a comforting smile and she flashed an appreciated one back. Lucas himself switched into his sleepwear while Peyton nestled herself into the soft sheets. Only a minute later he crawled in beside her. He took her in his strong arms, making her head fall against his broad chest, their long limbs intertwined. Normally he would flip her over and kiss like he had a hungry she could only satisfy. Normally he would run his rough palms all over her smooth never ending legs. Normally he would make love to her until dawn. Normally but not tonight.
The air was thick with unspoken words of a serious conversation instead of passion and unspoken agreements of the lack of each others presence while he was gone.
"Luke." She softly whispered while looking up. "Yes Peyton?" He responded while looking down. Emerald meeting blue diamond.
"Nothing, I just wanted to look at your eyes." He could help but feel a little blush colour his cheeks.
"Better?" He nestled even closer to her, the biggest amount of skin on skin possible. Their foreheads pressed together. They where forced to see nothing else than each other's true colours.
Peyton felt like she was falling, falling into the sea of his blue eyes. She felt so numb, so away from the world. Maybe that wasn't a feeling but her want. With every breath she took she felt like she was falling a trance of his love. Her head became lighter, cleared from all thoughts, hollow and empty. And she found herself further and further, falling asleep.
"Close your eyes Peyton, tomorrow we'll talk." He softly said. She was too far gone to be dragged far enough into reality again. She wanted to jump into it, but instead she jumped into the reality of her dreams. But it was okay, they would help her through this dark night. It was okay, there were dreams to be kept alive.
Peyton drowned in her dream. Her dream was one without imagines, just the colour wheel spinning around her madly and out of control. She was rotating between all the colours like she was just a leave in the wind.
She revolved into the shades green, blue and violet and suddenly the wheel stopped its clockwise motion and began to rotate counterclockwise and clockwise only seconds before changing. The dark shades, rather depressing, which she couldn't live without.
And suddenly it went clockwise again before she got stuck in red. And her unconsciousness was taking over as she saw lips form in the red shade. The wheel started to slow down, tired as she saw all the colours at once. Everything and nothing, like the movements of the soul.
And again she landed on red, and the full lips that had formed before seemed to outline in the shades of red again.
She couldn't live without red. Red lips, red blood, red wine.
Suddenly, she felt so heavy inside, searching for relief. Relief that only screaming and shouting could give as she sunk in green from nature, deep valleys with amazing echoes.
She whirled to yellow, yellow like smiley's as she felt suddenly relieved.
And the wheel spun one last time, wild and fast, she felt so crazy as she woke up and felt like her life had passed by. Or at least some sort of life.
She took in the darkness of night as she became aware of the steady breathing next to her. The soothing breathing of her best friend, lover, fiancé, man of her life. She listened awhile to his breathing, the sensation of his chest rising and falling against her. Her hope that she would fall asleep again eventually was a lost case when she saw the stars sparkle in the corner of her eyes. The white little balls of heat seemed just glitters against the blue painted sky.
Very careful not to wake him, she tried to sneak out of his embrace. A task which was always hard. Actually, nearly impossible. Lucas' possessiveness wasn't maybe that visible when he was awake but in his sleep, he could not let go of her, he would not let go of her. Unaware, he wanted to make up for what he lacked during the living hours to Peyton's big frustration at the moment.
She gently tossed and turned, hoping he would loosen his vice grip eventually. His grip didn't loosen so she almost decided to give up, almost.
"Lucas?" She wondered out aloud when she heard him groan vaguely. And like his first name was the key, his grip loosened so she could get out. A vague smile ghosted over her face while she left the warmth of the sheets to welcome the chill of the room, instantly letting goosebumps rise on her uncovered, pale skin.
She strode through the room, picking up a blue fleece plaid and wrapping it around her body as she wiggled to the kitchen. To her great delight she found a bottle of mulled wine. She heated a cup and as silent as a mouse she waggled through their bedroom again.
She opened the door that leaded to the porch and closed it again. Carefully she putted her warm cup on the wood, not wanting to spill anything of it warm content. And than she sat down herself, wrapped in the soft material that kissed her skin with velvet kisses. Than she took the warm cup in her hands, embracing with her warm fingers.
The hot damp against her skin to be later touched by the cold night air felt extremely soothing. It calmed her, what she was unable to do since she had collapsed. The reason why she had to talk to Lucas, her collapse and the aftermath.
Peyton was surprised and slightly straddled when she heard the wood creaked behind her. She turned her blonde head around to see her fiancé standing in the doorway behind her. Lucas softly closed to door before he went to sit down next to her.
He didn't say anything; he just gently swayed his arm around her. Her head fell to his shoulder, her arms sneaking around his back, giving him a whisper of soft and warmth through the material of his tee.
"You want to talk about it now?" Lucas said when he saw her glancing up at him through the dark air.
"Yes." Accompanied with the simple gesture of a nod.
Silence wrapped around them in the same fashion Peyton decided to share a part of the plaid with Lucas. It was big enough, normally for a double bed, their bed.
She wanted to start but she stopped herself. Lucas noticed her tension so he gently placed his palm between her shoulder blades and began to rub subtle circles. It was enough encouragement for her to start.
"I collapsed the other night." She could easily feel his body tense up in some sort of anger.
"No, Luke. Don't say anything please." She pleaded softly because she knew he was about to let out something that would hurt them both. The sentiment of guilt had already taken a part of her soul with it. "Just listen." Her voice was noticeably urgent.
"Okay." He softly said while searching for her hand with his own, letting them entangle.
"I went to the doctors and they ran some tests." She saw the expression on his face and his eyes asking 'when?'.
"This morning. I didn't have to leave early for a band; I just went to the doctors."
But this time she couldn't prevent him from speaking.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Nearly a shout.
"Luke-"
"No Peyton! Why not tell me? I could have come with you! We agreed we wouldn't hide anything after, well you know who." His name was still hard to say.
"I didn't want that Luke. You'd only be worried and I didn't want to put more on shoulders since what happened lately with Julian. I didn't want to be the reason for any other trouble." She quietly said.
"Peyton." He turned to her. "Some things you shouldn't do alone and you are never a reason for trouble baby." His cold thumb brushing over her cheek. "You still should have asked me to come with you."
His fiancée signed deeply.
"Okay. What's done is done. But next time-"
She cut him off. "I promise I'll ask you."
Again silence nestled between them.
"So what did the doctor say?" He asked after a minute or two.
"He asked if I had anyone with diabetes in the family or with-" She took a deep breath to speak that horrible word. "Cancer."
Lucas almost jumped up beside her, making Peyton almost jump up too.
"Hey hey." She quickly said, in an attempt to calm him down before he would even freak out.
"I don't have cancer. The test came back negative." Her hand rubbing his back rather forcefully.
Weird actually, she was soothing her fiancé while she was the one running around all day assuming she had cancer.
"What is going on than? You didn't tell me when you called, you just asked me to come home again and you sounded pretty upset too." He was still all stiff.
"I have kidney stones." She said calmly.
"Baby." Immediately his anger had melted into worry.
"How bad is it?" He softly asked while pulling her closer to him.
"Not so really bad. The worst thing that could is that I need surgery to remove them. But the doctor isn't sure; he wants to wait for another week."
He couldn't help but let out a relieved sign.
In pure silence of the night they watched the stars. The billions of white little dots against the blue sky. They sat there for a while, not caring about the cold or the dark. Her steaming cup of mulled wine now was cooled down as it stood beside her.
Suddenly Lucas became aware of a heavy shivering of the person beside him.
"You cold?" He asked softly, rubbing her arm. But the shivering wasn't actually shivering; it was more some sort of heaving. Than his ears took notice of little crying noises the same person made.
"Peyton?" He asked suddenly worried. "Are you in pain?" As he watched her spasmodic movements.
"No, no. It's just-" Another, more noticeable sob.
"Calm Peyton." He said while removing his hand and bringing it to her bag to rub there.
"Just-" Again she was in the inability to finish her sentence. Her sobs became more frequent, her tears did the same. Lucas noticed her broken state. Very carefully not to hurt her when he putted her on his lap, cradling her body against his.
"You sure you're not in pain baby?" He asked again, whispering in her ear. Again she shook her head. No, not the kind of pain he meant. Gently his fingers brushed away the wisps that had fallen as a curtain before her hazel eyes.
"It's just for a moment I thought-"
Lucas cut her off, the thought of hearing her say the name of her birth mother's disease again nearly killed him. "Sjt, it's okay now." His other hand rubbing her back tenderly.
"No Lucas." He was surprised by her; he hadn't expected her to argue with him.
"No Luke. For a moment I thought I was pregnant."
Her words, her precious words came out so weakly.
"W-what?" Her simple words had just knocked him off his feet, figurative.
"I was late again. And since I am still switching on birth control and we haven't exactly been a hundred percent save."
Lucas found himself ashamed, thinking back on what she meant. An unguarded moment after Quentin's death.
"I thought maybe, maybe I was expecting our child." She sounded so innocent so suddenly.
He was thunderstruck, speechless.
"And-" Again he tried to cut her off but again she wouldn't let him.
"No Lucas. This is just not going to go away that easily." She sniffed.
"I somewhere really hoped I was expecting your child Luke. And I felt so full suddenly, in that moment I thought about it. I felt so, I don't know how else to say it, but I felt complete. I felt invincible, on the top of the world."
His face had a slightly nervous expression. He knew this conversation had been inevitable but this still seemed somehow soon.
"Don't you want that Luke? Kids? We actually never talked about it for real. Of course we talked about it when your mom and Haley were pregnant but we were still kids ourselves back than."
She gave her soon to be husband a moment to reflect on what she just said.
"I remember you wanted at least two kids. Eldest a boy with my noise, youngest a girl with your curls. I remember you-"
"No Lucas Scott. I am serious. I really pictured us having a family here, in this house. In that moment I thought about it I saw it all. The whole picture. Us as parents, a little blond kid running around screaming 'mommy and daddy' to us. And in that moment I felt frightened because I think I am still too young to become a mother. And mostly because I never had a steady mother figure in my life. And let's face it; you never had a real father figure. Keith did a wonderful job but he wasn't your father through."
Keith was still was a very, very sensitive topic for Lucas, which was definitely understandable. It was different from Peyton's mom and Ellie in the end.
"But I really would like to have a child or children in the future. Because know I suddenly feel so extremely empty and hollow, and now I know what could fulfil that want." Her voice died in the cold air.
"Do you know what I mean Luke? Do you feel it too? Do you want it too?" Her questions were like the hammers destroying the walls he had carefully build around the topic.
Yes, he wanted it too. Just like her, he had the same fears, shared the same thought about age and time. He suppressed his need, thought, anything related to the topic for quiet a long time already. He even hadn't talked with Lindsey about children. But since James 'Jamie' Lucas Scott being his godson, and being so constant in the little boy's life, the joy that little kid brought, he would be telling lies if he said he didn't' wonder how it would be to have a son or daughter of his own.
He looked up at the stars, and out of the blue, he could picture the words of the future she had said. The blonde little kid screaming out to him and her, referring to them as 'daddy' and 'mommy'. Without any announcement he felt so suddenly hollow, so suddenly empty, so suddenly he knew what could fill that space.
It seemed so impossible through, like dreams yet to fulfil. But so close as the scars this day would leave. They would only make it more beautiful when this dream would ever come true. And it was okay, in the meantime they would make every second worth living between this moment and the moment their dream would come true.
Peyton looked at him, and in his blue eyes, she saw a sparkle that made her flash the smile that had been long wait by the world the past days.
Slowly they leaned in, their lips being drawn to each other again like magnets. The first contact was like pure electricity. A spark that arose in both of them, a spark they couldn't live without. A spark within' their mingled breaths. A spark which brushed away the tiredness of life, when you claim your soul is dying.
A kiss that made you regain your strength in life. A strength that they both again couldn't life without. A strength that made them feel so, so outrageous with all these feelings for each other that they had a hard time to suppress the need to scream and shout it to everyone single person they came across. A sparkle that made them smile at the wildness and craziness of this life that passed them by.
They broke the kiss, needing the air of night to fill their lungs again. Both safely wrapped up in the big fleece plaid, they lay there, staring deeply into each other's eyes. It was alright, it was okay. They were going to make it through this inevitable night. It was even more alright and okay, since they were going to keep this newly created dream alive for all eternity.
Carefully he stood up, taking Peyton with him, holding her bridal style in his strong, secure arms. She could only giggle, yes, she giggled, when he failed in his attempts to open the door, hold her and the cup with cold mulled wine. Once he got the door open, he placed her on the bed and went to the kitchen to empty the cup and put it in the dishwasher.
He was in pure awe when he walked back into the room and stopped in the doorway to find her lying on the bed, half asleep. Her blonde hair like a halo around her head, her beautiful body so peaceful.
"You like my private angel, you know that?" He asked from the doorway.
Her eyes fully opened again.
"Do I?" As she putted herself on her elbows, her voice a warm purr.
"Because I rather think I am more your private devil."
His face got on not understanding glance.
"Why don't you come here and find out?"
He couldn't see her through the thick darkness of the room but she knew she was doing the thing with her eyebrow, which always turned him on badly. Really badly. Even he couldn't see it right now, he could imagine it, and it wasn't missing its effect.
In no time he lay beside her on the bed. His fingers busy while unbuttoning what was former one of his nightshirts. He exposed her creamy skin and a black demi bra. It had dots on it.
"Where do you buy stuff like this?" He husked while sliding her, actually his, shorts down.
He grunted.
"Fuck God. That's should be illegal!" He exclaimed seeing her cheeky panties.
"Holy dear mother of God." He groaned against her neck.
"Brooke gave it as a gift. It's from the 'Sexy Little Things' collection from Victoria's Secret." She stated matter-of-factly.
A moment of silence came over them into their bedroom.
"Are we going to practice making babies?" Peyton's voice sounded like the one of a young and innocent girl.
What moments ago seemed like was going to be a passionate night, turned in a sweet moment of emotion.
Slowly he freed her from her underwear before stroking her body gently. When his fingertips grazed over her lower tummy she shifted uncomfortable.
"You sure I won't hurt you?" He asked her, not willing to do that ever again.
"No. I need you to make love to me now." His fingers wandered lower. "No foreplay Luke, I just need to feel you inside of me."
And who was he to deny her anything?
Very slowly and tenderly he slipped into her, making them both groan out in relief. Another thing they couldn't leave without, their deepest form from intimacy.
Their mouths fell onto each other, sharing breaths of love, a need that had to be fulfilled.
The movements of their hips chasing away the tiredness they both had experienced. Their souls were battling for control, because the deep feelings they experienced were so associated with the feelings of death, but their souls wouldn't die as they got lost in the most intense kiss of their life. Tears escaped from both blonds eyes.
They were so close to relief, physical and emotional. And they hit it hard, this release that symbolised the deepest things of their love. They couldn't possible life without that either. Maybe that was made their heart beat.
They screamed and shouted each others names in ecstasy. As they climbed down from their ladder of relief, smiles painted on their faces. Smiles as big and beaming as the sun that was beginning to rise outside of their window.
They smiled, smiled as they saw their wild and crazy life pass before their eyes, everything that happened from their day one up to this moment as they lay breathing next to each other; somehow realising that just had created another one.