Where I hear your voice
The light in the graveyard was dimming now. The birds clung to the treetops and sang out their last warbling notes of the day. A fine drizzle fell from the sky soaking everything that lay below in a fine sheen of water and a cool breeze blew the leaves on the small bunches of flowers and the wreaths that had been left on neighbouring plots by other mourners throughout the day.
Jack Harkness didn't notice the rain. Nor did he notice the breeze or the birds or the few other people that had been and gone during the time that he had sat there. They were simply not there, they themselves could have been ghosts for all he knew, or cared.
He sat there on the soft ground and didn't care that his coat was slowly soaking up the moisture from beneath him. His right leg was drawn up, arm resting across it as the thumbnail on his right hand was worried between his perfect teeth. The fingers of his left hand curled tightly into the lengthy grass that lay over the recent grave beside him.
The headstone was simple and graceful and so very, very wrong. Jack's eyes never strayed from the first word that was engraved in silver on the stone, the brightness of the silver a stark contrast to the shiny black marble it lay upon.
The Captain stared at the stone with something akin to fierce concentration as though willing it to change or daring it to stay the same, even he wouldn't have known which.
How long had he sat here? Hours? Days? Weeks? Who knew. But it didn't matter, why would it?
He was waiting. It was as simple as that. Jack was waiting for something, but what?
Sighing almost inaudibly he scrubbed a hand over his face and whispered quietly into the night, "Please….please be tonight"
It didn't always happen, he knew that, but he had to keep coming here, to this place, on the off chance that it did because the thought of missing it was too unbearable to comprehend.
The wind suddenly changed and rolled over him moving the lapels of his coat gently and then there it was… that feeling that he had been waiting for. His heart leapt in his chest but he didn't turn or move at all, he had to keep waiting, that was how it worked.
"I'm not really in there you know"
The voice came from behind him but slightly higher up as though the speaker was standing above him. Jack bit down on his lip and squeezed his eyes closed for a moment before taking a steadying breath and opening them to stare at that first word on that wretched stone again. Swallowing carefully he said quietly "I know."
"Nope" the voice said slowly as if considering something carefully, "Nope, my body is locked away somewhere isn't that right Jack? Some nice, cold, impersonal storage drawer in a secret UNIT facility somewhere in London… isn't that right?
Jack nodded, not trusting his voice and yet desperate to speak at the same time.
A soft sigh sounded behind him and Jack swore that he caught a familiar and craved for scent on the wind. The fragrance of soap and coffee and…
"Why do you keep coming here Jack? The voice asked.
"I have to" he said evenly.
"Why?"
"Because it's the only place… it's the only place that I… hear you."
A quiet rustle of movement behind him almost made him turn his head. Was it the rustle of a suit jacket? Or just the damn incessant wind that seemed to have been present since that day? that last horrific day.
"But its not real Jack and you know it."
Jack shook his head. "It is. I know it is because I can hear you and smell you and…"
"It's in your head. Just memories" the voice faded slightly "Just ghosts."
"No, you're here and that's why I have to be here too, so that I can find a way."
"There is no way back from this Jack. I'm dead."
Jacks heart clenched painfully at the last words and his stomach rolled making him want to vomit. The fingers that remained clenched in the grass tightened even further and he placed the palm of his other hand to his clammy forehead and pressed hard desperately trying to distract from the soul shattering words.
"There is a way, there has to be something."
"Nope, it's the only certain thing in life Jack… death."
"Yeah? Jack couldn't help himself, "Then how do you explain me?"
The voice laughed, "You Jack are unique. A one off" the voice stopped and then said with more than a hint of sadness, "Only you."
"Well that's shit!" Jack said with a sudden venom that he thought he had lost long ago. Slamming his right fist down onto the sodden earth next to him he lifted his head and shouted into the now complete black of the night air. "I don't want to be the only one! I want more than this, I want a life and I wanted that life to be with you!"
The rustle sounded again and this time when the voice spoke it was softer and much closer to his ear. "I know but you can't change this, not this time."
"But… I miss you Ianto, so much." Jack couldn't stop the tear that rolled down his cheek and behind him Ianto sighed gently.
"I know Jack."
But Jack had let go now and there was no way of closing the flood gates again. Openly crying he gasped out "I miss your face Ianto. I miss your eyes and your mouth. I miss those smiles that you saved just for me." Jack let go of the wet grass and pressed his left hand hard against the freezing black marble. "I miss your hands and the way you moved beneath me when we made love. I miss your voice being the first thing I hear in the morning. I miss the way you looked at me when I was being an ass and how you would wait until everyone else had gone home before kissing me so softly and make me feel so fucking special, and I even miss your God damn coffee!"
"Oh Jack" Ianto's voice whispered again, "I miss you too… Do you believe me?"
Jack nodded.
"Good," came the reply. "Oh and for the record… I miss my God damn coffee too."
The laugh that came from Jacks mouth was sudden and slightly hysterical. "And yet your not really here?"
"I could stay here forever trying to convince you of that and you still wouldn't believe me, right Jack?"
Jack nodded again "Damn right."
"So very stubborn", Ianto's ghost whispered affectionately. Since when had Jack begun to think of this voice as a ghost?
"What about Steven?"
That hit Jack like a kick in the ribs and he gasped "wha… what?"
"Your trying to get me back, but not Steven?"
The voice wasn't accusing, merely inquisitive, but it was agonising none the less and Jack struggled to answer. "But I… he was… you… you mean…" it was no good, the words just wouldn't form. His traitorous conscience stopping the excuses before they fell from his lips. His body sagged as if it could no longer carry the weight of his sorrow. "I don't know" he said finally, misery pouring from every part of him. "I don't know why. I just need you so much more. Does that make me evil Ianto?"
"No Jack, but was my life any more important than his?"
This was breaking Jack in more ways than he imagined possible and yet it was still so much more bearable than being out there, in the real world, without Ianto. "How am I supposed to answer that?" He asked, his voice ragged and lost. "He was just a child Ianto! He was my Grandson and I …I killed him… I sacrificed him."
"You saved the world Jack and every child in it, you gave up everything for us"
"And I had to give up you too… is that my punishment?"
"No"
"Then why? Why do I get to keep living this life? I hate it Ianto, I hate this and I hate Rose Tyler for doing this to me! Why did she even bother saving me when I would have been better off dead?"
"Don't say that Jack, please"
"Why not? If your not real, if your just my own fucked up mind torturing me again then why not say these things?"
"If Rose hadn't saved you on that satellite, then I never would have met you." Was it Jack's imagination or did the voice crack slightly at the end of that sentence?
"You'd have been alive."
"No I wouldn't, and very likely neither would a lot of people. If you hadn't been there then Lisa would very likely have killed a great many people including me and it would have been all my fault. Would you have me bear the weight of that? You knew how much I suffered knowing that I was responsible for the deaths of two innocent people as it was, do you think I could have lived with that?"
"You were always stronger than me Ianto."
"That's not an answer."
Jack groaned softly and then whispered, defeated. " No, no I couldn't have put you through that."
"You remember what Tosh said? 'you saved me' remember?"
Taking a deep breath Jack exhaled a broken sigh. "I remember."
"She wasn't the only one to feel that way you know. We all did in one way or another, I know I did, even Owen did."
"Owen hated me."
"No he didn't, he needed you, he needed Torchwood, he knew what the price of having it was and so did I."
Jack drew both his knees up and rested his aching head against them. "Stop it Ianto please just stop this."
"Why?"
"Because your trying to rationalise everything and its just… too much."
"I'm trying to make you realise what you gave us, what you gave for us."
"I'm perfectly aware of what I've given, of what I've lost."
"You need to know all this."
"Why? To punish me even further?"
"No Jack. So you can move on."
"What!" The words crashed through Jack like a bolt of lightening. "Move on! To what?" He asked, incredulous.
"There is so much more for you to do out there Jack, the universe needs you more than you know"
"More than you needed me?"
Ianto sighed "No one ever needed you more than I did Cariad"
Jack's heart clenched again. "We never said these things to each other Ianto, before I mean, we never told each other just how we felt and now its too late."
"That's the way it goes, I guess, you never know until its too late."
"But you said it Ianto, you lay there in my arms and told me that you loved me, and what did I say… God I'm an idiot."
Ianto laughed. "Yeah probably, but its not like I expected it in return, I never needed to hear the words Jack."
"I want to see you" Jack said suddenly, his voice loud in the quietness of the blackened graveyard.
"You can't."
"Oh yeah, your not really here eh?"
"Not letting go of that anytime soon are you? Ianto huffed with a laugh.
"Never."
"You have to leave this place, leave Earth and find a new life, find people who need you just as we did."
"But I wont hear you out there Ianto, out in space, your voice will be lost to me."
"That's kind of the point you know, the whole moving on thing"
"Smart ass."
"Yes Sir."
The formality and inflection in Ianto's words dragged Jack's mind back to the past and he suddenly ached with the memory of what had been. "I should never have taken you to that place, that damned building, it wasn't your fight."
"I was glad you took me with you. Of course the whole virus thing didn't exactly work out as I expected but I needed to be there with you. Can't you see that?"
"No. I took you with me for all the wrong reasons. I took you with me to prove to you that I could be…," another deep breath, "That I could be the man that you believed I was"
"I never needed proof"
"You deserved it." Jacks fingers moved up and across the stone and gently traced the outline of the engraved words that lay there. This was a sham in itself. An empty grave that gave Ianto's family somewhere to grieve and yet what had it become to him? A conduit to something that he knew in his heart he had to leave behind? Or just a place where his messed up mind told him that he could hear the voice of his dead lover, smell the lingering scents that made him weak with loss? Or simply a patch of grass that played well into his delusions. "You deserved so much more than I ever gave you."
"Then give me what I need now Jack. Move on. Go out into the wherever and live. Be alive for me and remember me, that's all I wanted in the end."
"I promised" Jack whispered to the unmoving stone.
"Yes you did."
"I meant it Ianto, every word, for a thousand years and beyond."
"I know you did. So, what happens now Jack?"
Jack stared back at the lettering and traced over Ianto's name one last time before dropping his hand lifelessly to the floor. "I leave Earth" he said quietly. "I find… something else."
"Yes" said Ianto sadly.
"But I'll keep looking, and I will find a way to save you and then I'll come back and finally tell you everything I need to tell you." Something sparked deep in his chest. Maybe it was still there within him; that defiance and fire that had once been present in abundance but had been dampened since the 456 had ripped his world apart. "I will get you back Ianto."
"Oh Jack you are hopeless" Ianto said with mock frustration.
"Wait for me?"
"For eternity Captain."
The softness of Ianto's words brought fresh tears to his eyes.
"I have to go now."
"No, no please Ianto not yet, just a bit longer" he begged into the cold air.
"It will never be enough" came Ianto's reply "for either of us."
And then there it was, a gentle but definite touch, the soft, instantly recognisable brush of Ianto's fingers against the skin at the nape of his neck. Jack pulled in a ragged breath and prayed for the touch to last but it was gone in mere moments. Instantly Jack felt bereft. "You see," he said quietly, "I knew you were here."
"Smart ass" Ianto said.
He managed a small smile, "Yeah."
"Oh and say bye to Gwen first."
"I will."
"Goodbye Jack."
"I cant Ianto… I cant say it."
"You don't need to."
"I'll see you again Ianto, I know I will… Ianto?"
But there was no answer. The wind dropped a little and then it was just him again, all alone in the pitch black of night. His heart broke just a bit more. Holding in a sob he leant forward to place a brief kiss on the black headstone before standing up and moving away from the grave. He walked roughly five steps before turning back to read the words for the last time in what he knew would be many years. The moonlight sparkled off the silver lettering. When had it stopped raining he wondered. Allowing the tears fall again he took in the simple inscription.
Ianto Jones
1983 - 2009
Cariad
Leaving the tears to fall unhindered he smiled faintly and turned once more from the headstone and headed into the darkness.
The End