The stalker of all stalkers ever to stalk the stalkers!!!!!

Long, long ago, in an oven far, far away…

*dramatic music*

Darth Oven aboard his almighty oven cruiser a.k.a. the great oven of destructive cucumber forces is hatching his sinister cucumber scheme of great proportions.

Darth Oven: *shouts* SWITCH ON THE OVEN! OH AND GET MY OVEN MITS YOU PUNY LITTLE CUCUMBERS!!

Darth Oven prepares the dough with his almighty rolling pin of doom! (And not to mention his threatening cu-sabre)

Deep in the oven of Overna, the dough was forged… And with it, all middle space shall fall to the mercy of the terrible Darth Oven.

But there is one… Master… KRUMB!!! *all gasp*

*dramatic music*

Deep in the heart of the forest of Krumoo, the boy Krumb was collecting vital moistness for creating the almighty poo-sabres of the zucchini cookie jedi warriors.

Krumb, having had his mother deaded is now living with Uncle Poowen and Aunty Phlegm, is usually a good boy but today he went to pick moisture on his own making his Uncle Poowen worry.

"But I'm old enough now! I'm frigging 18 Uncle Poowen!" cried Krumb.

"I don't care!!"

Meanwhile… aboard Darth Oven's mighty oven cruiser, he receives word that Krumb's Aunt and Uncle have purchased an oven which has been forbidden for over 6 kajillion, fifillion, shabadabadoolimillion, chunkywunkychookyillion lightyears.

He is outraged at their audacity. He immediately sends a small platoon which is one hundred cookie soldiers out to pay the price of an oven that could be better than his.

Back on Krumoo…

"Poowen!" called out Aunty Phlegm.

"WHAT WOMAN?!" shouted Uncle Poowen.

"How the heck am I supposed to cook cookies on this goddamn grill of yours?!" she exclaimed.

"Don't worry, I have a new oven!! I got it half price from one of those short little dudes over there; they were pretty keen to get rid of it too! Lucky I was there eh?" He said as he pulled a great oven out of his tight little speedos.

"Oh that's wonderful dear" replied Aunty Phlegm, scratching her nipples against a nearby cactus plant which was wearing one of Poowen's budgie smugglers, when suddenly there was an almighty explosion, and before you knew it, they were both roasted to a crisp, completely fried by the blast of heat.

The boy Krumb rushes back to his home after he heard a great explosion and the smell of roast chicken. He finds his home in a complete wreck and his Aunty and Uncle who look like a couple of fried chickens with all the meat stripped off to make soup.

The boy Krumb lets out a horrendous "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" that goes on for a full ten minutes and 2.5 milliseconds; a new galaxy record. Let's just say the boy had the largest lungs any space being could hope for.

Far, far away on the planet of Bookychooky, the adopted Princess Hermy-Owninny is soaking it up in an intergalactic slime tub at the local beauty mudbath fields.

"Ahhhh" she sighs as she lets out a small gassy explosion from her slim rear end. "Anything you need Miss?" asked the attendant who happened to have red hair and numerous freckles.

"What are you waiting on her for?" exclaimed another attendant who happened to have round glasses and a lightning shaped scar.

The freckled one shrugged.

The scarred one handed the princess a drink with a small umbrella-like creature sticking up from the orangey liquid.

"Thank you" she replied in a snobby, upper classed accent.

The two rolled their eyes and made their way over to a pair of identical red headed hooligans with many tentacles sticking out at odd angles cackling insanely in their baths.

"Bloody idiots, my brothers, why they had to walk into a power plant during a meltdown and get themselves turned into bloody mutants?!" muttered the freckled one savagely under his breath.

The boy Krumb escapes his home planet and is hurtling through space in his speedos with his robot when the fuel starts to get critically low.

"Oh no R-POO! What are we going to do?!" cried the boy Krumb, amazed that the sentence he just said in fact, rhymed, as the engines start to die out.

R-POO, being the useless robot that he is, beeps indifferently and does nothing.

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!" screams Krumb as both boy and robot are sent crashing down to planet Swampenmist and land with a splash into a gluggy bog.

Suddenly out of nowhere, a little green man pops out and explains himself as Yobo the hobo.

Krumb is absolutely dumbfounded and is shocked that anyone could live in such a shithole!

"Nice place you got here" lied the boy Krumb as Yobo the hobo began telling him the story of his life. "Wow! You know more about the jedi forces than I do! And not to mention you know more about me than what I could possibly know already!" said Krumb.

"Yeah, I even know that you were dropped on your head as a baby, hence the extensive brain damage and the ugliness" replied Yobo. Krumb takes absolutely no offence.

Eventually, after spending many weeks at Yobo's fine garbage estate, Krumb decided it was time to move on. Only then did Yobo tell his great cookie knowledge of the sauce…

Krumb took none of this information in and was sent on his way to destroy the almighty Darth Oven and his army of Cucumber clones.

On Bookychooky… "Hey, where's that damn boulder I wanted?!" shrieked Hermy-Owninny.

"Coming!" groaned the scarred one as he rushed over with a large boulder in his arms. "ARGH!!! Too LONG!! I had to wait 10 WHOLE seconds for my boulder! I'm going to sue!" she continued to shriek.

Hermy-Owninny eyed the boulder suspiciously. "Hey… wait a minute… All these dents in it are all wrong!! Go back and find me another one! AND MAKE SURE IT HAS RIGHT DENTS IN IT!!!!!"

The scarred one sighed and lugged the great boulder across two bogs, quicksand and a rickety bridge made of rotten twigs.

"OI!" she hollered at the freckled one.

"Coming Miss" came his dull answer. "I want some high quality foot massaging! Come on then, chop chop!"

As soon as the scarred one had found a new boulder and lugged it back across the two bogs, quicksand and a rickety bridge made of rotten twigs, he was shocked and horrified to find that the Princess and the ugly freckled one were making out in the mudbath!

He hollered so loudly his boulder cracked and split down the middle.

"Oh no, now look what you've done!" shouted Hermy-Owninny disengaging herself from the freckled one.

"Sorry Miss, I didn't mean to" stammered the scarred one as the two halves of the boulders got stomped on by a giant, hairy chicken and shattered into a thousand tiny pieces.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sigh* My super glue bill is gonna be HUUUUUUUUUUUUGE!!!!!!!" cried the scarred one.

As soon as the scarred one was about to leave, Hermy-Owninny yelled at the freckled one to go and stick the boulder back together, and being the lovesick fool that he was, obeyed. Then, as soon as HE left, the scarred one and the Princess...

As soon as HE left, another contender came along… one with blonde hair… *cough cough* But he refused her, seeing as he was GAY GAY GAY!!! So instead the blonde one grabbed a microphone and began singing 'In the Navy' at the top of his lungs.

Then along came a brown headed one… But was ALSO gay and half-deaded.

"Damn I wish the scarred one would come back… All these ones SUCK because they just had to be homosexual!!" she screamed at the blonde one in disgust.

Back in his boggy speedo the boy Krumb stopped on his way over to Darth Oven's hideout and went to Bookychooky for a relaxation steam.

"AAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHH" he sighed almightily as he lay in a mudbath. Then, as he looked sideways he saw the lurvly Princess Hermy-Owninny.

The boy Krumb, having the largest lungs any space being could hope for, hollered so loudly that the mud in every bath jumped out of its pool revealing a lot of nakie people including the lurvly Hermy-Owninny.

He cautiously made his way over to her now empty mud bath and casually walked past the freckled one and the scarred one, both having very dark looks on their faces as he made his way over.

He stepped into her now half filled bath (it magically refills) and they both almost smashed each other's heads by moving to smooch at the same time. Both the scarred one and the freckled one automatically turned the other way, feeling utterly beaten and scarred for life.

"Oh well" muttered the scarred one. "At least I have my lovely wife to go home to". "How about me?!" cried the freckled one incredulously. "I have no one! And it's bad enough you doing MY sister".

"Oh shut up, I won't tell if you won't" said the scarred one.

After the two had had enough of… which was about 5 days of…. They were both utterly exhausted and needed a cast and crutches for their bruised pelvises…

As the two hobbled around the place, completely unable to move their pelvises in any way, Krumb tripped down the stairs that went on for 30 floors and shattered his pelvis. Hermy-Owninny soon followed but landed on top of Krumb, softening her fall.

"Damn, why didn't we just take the elevator?!" groaned Krumb under the weight of Hermy-Owninny.

"There was an elevator?!" groaned Hermy-Owninny.

"Yeah, and an escalator as well, it was right next to the stairs, but today of all days I had the sick impulse to use the stairs in a cast and crutches" replied Krumb.

Back at Darth Oven's hideout… "WHERE ARE MY OVEN MITS?!?!??!?!?!? DARGH!!!!" screamed Darth Oven.

"Coming your evilness, I just had them delivered from the planet Bobbinsew, all ready for you to continue worlds domination" stammered a cucumber minion.

"What?!" exclaimed Darth Oven. "Where are my original oven mitts?!"

"Errr… well… you see my lord…" the cucumber minion continued to stutter. "They got thrown into the pit of Overna by accident whilst I was trying to roast my intergalactic chicken in the volcano of great gassiness. I was warming the oven mitts at the same time my lord"

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" hollered Darth Oven with his obscenely large artificial lungs, which were almost as big as the boy Krumb's.

"I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOUR INSOLENCE!!! &*$#^&^! %^$#() &($#_+" shrieked Darth Oven.

Darth Oven continued to holler and shriek at the minion for over an hour whilst the boy Krumb was saying a short goodbye on the planet Bookychooky….

On Bookychooky… "Goodbye my lovely … partner! I will miss you greatly! Especially the …!!!" cried Krumb over dramatically. "I've never known any women before, well, except my Aunty…"

"Yes I will miss you too Krumby Bumby!" cried Hermy-Owninny with fake tears in her eyes. "But no matter, I shall find someone else to … with. Like that guy over there for example!" she cried, bursting into tears. "But until you return… I shall stop … with some random and engage in … with YOU!!"

These short goodbyes went on for over 2 hours and all were greatly exaggerated…..

The boy Krumb hopped back into his run down speeder with R-POO PEE-TOO and flew towards Darth Oven's secret hideout, even though he knew where it was, making it not really a secret anymore.

When he landed on a nearby asteroid, he got out of his speeder without his helmet without realising. As he went into a fit of convulsions at lack of air, his eyes popped way out of their sockets and every vein in his body expanded.

Luckily just in the nick of time, R-POO jettisoned an oxygen mask to him.

"What are you doing you stupid astro droid?! How the f*** is this meant to help me?!?!?!?!" the boy Krumb wheezed with great difficulty.

"Beep boo beep bleep" bleeped R-POO meaning: "PUT THE DAMN THING ON YOU STUPID MOTHER******"

Krumb grabbed the oxygen mask and put it on his foot. "BLEEP BLOO BLEE KAKAKAKA!" kakaed R-POO meaning: "NO STUPID S***!!! PUT IT ON YOUR FACE YOU UGLY MUG!!!" So Krumb shoved it onto his eye.

"BLEEP BLEEP BLOO CHOOCHOOCHA!!" chooed R-POO meaning: "OH MOTHER OF PEARL YOU GAYBO! PUT IT OVER YOUR NOSE!!" So Krumb finally understood and shoved it over his nose.

He was relieved at the breaths of oxygen he got out of the mask. "Hey wow! This thing really does work! Thanks R-POO!" said Krumb.

R-POO: *smacks forehead*

Krumb walked around the asteroid that he had landed on and had fun bouncing around in a zero-g environment. "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" he cried as he bounced higher and higher with each leaping bound.

R-POO: "Beep bloo chachi noofaka" translating: "Aiya! El stupido"

"Okay enough fun now, time to get to Darth Oven's not so secret hideout" said Krumb.

Krumb plugs in an XBOX 360 wireless controller into a powerpoint and steers the asteroid towards the hideout. "HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!" cackled Krumb.

Meanwhile back at Darth Oven's not so secret hideout… "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ASTEROID DOING?!?!?!" Darth Oven yelled through the window. "Uh, it appears to be coming towards us my lord" explained a cucumber minion. "I can see that you fool!!!! DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!! Or I'll see that your hide is made into a doily!!!" he yelled threateningly.

"Yes sir" stuttered the minion.

The minion ran over to the switchboard and began aimlessly pressing the colourful buttons in hope that it would appear that he was actually doing something and looked at the screen.

"It appears to be driven by an XBOX 360 wireless controller that appears to be plugged into a powerpoint in the asteroid" informed the minion. "WHAT?!?!!?! HOW COME WE DON'T HAVE ONE?!?!?!?!?! By the way, did I leave my dildo charger on there? DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!eleven!one!" shrieked Darth Oven with all his artificial lung strength. "ORDER ONE FROM EBAY IMMEDIATELY!!! ALONG WITH THE XBOX!!!!"

"Yes sir" said the minion.

On the asteroid being controlled by an XBOX 360 wireless controller that appears to be plugged into a powerpoint in the asteroid… "Yes we are getting close R-POO! I can almost smell the chicken roasting!!" exclaimed Krumb.

"GABBO GABBO GABBO!" yelled Krumb going back into fits of convulsions at the thrill of it all. "Sorry, got excited, almost wet my pants there"

The asteroid landed in Darth Oven's not so secret hideout in the main hangar.

"Yes R-POO! I flew that all on my own MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" hollered Krumb, proud of himself that he had actually accomplished something in his life. "And hey, what's this here I found in the crater?" asked Krumb, dumbfoundedly holding up an electrical device of some sort.

R-POO: "BEEEP BLOOOO MEHORRRRNY" Meaning: I'll take care of that!

The Hideout…"Sir, a large thing has landed in the main hangar. It appears to have been that asteroid we saw earlier. Remember when you yelled really loud? Eh eh?" said a minion enthusiastically nudging Darth Oven in the artificial ribs.

"Ouch! Stop that intolerable nudging!" sneered Darth Oven. "And uh, at which point in time did I yell a lot? I do that ALL the time"

"Yeah I noticed…" said the minion.

In the main hangar… The boy Krumb unplugged his wireless controller and told R-POO to guard the asteroid and the mysterious device that he had left R-POO to mind. It seemed that the little robot had taken to the device as he was jiggling up and down crazily.

He grabbed his moisture pistol and ran down the first flight of stairs. "Oh god, stairs…" he said remembering vividly of that fateful day when he could've taken either the elevator or escalator, instead he took the stairs in a cast and crutches. Not the smartest choice…

When he carefully made his way down the 35 flights of stairs, being careful not to trip, he came across some ruffled looking cucumbers and Krumb, being so hungry, decided to take a bite.

"Yum, yum, cucumbers…. Needs a bit of salt…" he said taking out a salt shaker from his Bonds briefs and salted the cucumbers inside of his mouth. (It was amazing that the cucumbers hadn't even tried to retaliate or show the slightest bit of interest that they were, in fact, being eaten by a gormless goof).

Once he was fed and happy, he wandered around aimlessly around the maze of many corridors until he came to a map of directions like the ones they have at Myer.

"Hmmmmm…. Hmmmmm…" he couldn't seem to be able to read the map seeing as he never been to moisture school. He tried standing on his head and scratching furiously at his grandfather's undescended testicles that he conveniently kept pickled in a jar next to his own crotch but that didn't help. He even tried eating them with salad but that didn't help either. Suddenly he heard whistling and footsteps coming down the corridor. From around the corner, a cucumber appeared.

"Excuse me, I can't seem to find my way around, could you tell me where Mr Darth Oven is please?" he asked. "I'll give you this XBOX 360 wireless controller if you do" said Krumb holding up the controller with the plug and cable dangling from it and the testicles gnashing out at the cucumber with extreme ferocity, Krumb thought it was going to give birth.

The cucumber considered this. "Yeah okay, it's down those 200 flights of stairs and to the right where you'll find another 500 flights. Just go down them and you'll come to the main deck where he should be ranting on about something" explained the cucumber. Krumb groaned. "AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! GOD!!! WHY DO YOU HATE ME!??!?!?!?!?!?!" he hollered at the ceiling. "Well thanks for your help buddy" he said to the cucumber before working his way through the many flights of steps.

On the way down the first 200 flights of stairs, he finds a lever marked 'super fun happy slide'. "Hmmm… hahahahahaha stupid… I'm going to go on the happy slide!!!" he hollered shrilly as he pulled the lever.

The flights of stairs automatically turned into a super fun happy slide.

Krumb fell onto his butt and slid down the super fun happy slide. As the windows around him went into a blur, he yelled out "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! OWWWWW!!! DAMN IT WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?! IT FELT LIKE A KNOB DIGGING INTO MY CROTCHES AND DAMN NEAR RIPPING THEM OFF!!!" He passed the whipped cream room on his way down the slide. Eventually he got to the landing of the next 500 steps with his crotch detached and wriggling about madly on the linoleum. As he landed he looked at his behind to find that the pants had been worn through and his bare buttockers were showing. "DARGH! CURSE THIS!" he hollered.

The next 500 flights of stairs were carpeted and remembering his days as a child, he decided to get down on his buttockers and slide down the stairs until he found another lever. It was marked: 'Lever of Carpet Burns, please do not slide with bare butts'.

Krumb shrugged and pulled the lever anyway. The carpeted stairs immediately turned into a steep slide and Krumb was pushed down onto his buttockers again.

This time, instead of a smooth ride, it was like wiping your ass with sandpaper!! Krumb yelped in pain as carpet burns scorched his bare behind. "DDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" he hollered insanely as his butt caught on fire. "MY BUTT HURTS!" he continued to yell as he left a trail of a sticky brown substance behind him. "What? I didn't have any corn…"

When Krumb finally got to the end of the 500 flights of stairs and onto the main deck, he finally saw the notorious Darth Oven, ranting on about something. "DAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! WHERE'S MY CORN CHIP MUFFIN?!?!" he screamed at the cucumber minion he saw earlier that day.

Krumb stood gazing at the notorious Darth Oven and pulled a mouldy old corn chip muffin out of his lacy lingerie and walks towards Darth Oven holding the muffin.

"EEEEEUUUURRRGGHHHH!!!! WHAT IN BLUE BLAZES IS THAT?!?!?!?!!" screamed Darth Oven when he saw the corn chip muffin.

"Tis your corn chip muffin sir" replied Krumb dumbly.

"About time too!" screeched Darth Oven. Darth Oven snatched the muffin from Krumb's chunky hand and smashes it against his face mask.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! CURSES!!!!!" hollered Darth Oven. "I always forget when I have this damn thing on!"

Krumb blinked as an intergalactic tumbleweed passed by and alien crickets chirped in the background.

"Oh my god, mother of pearl, bunch of gaybos! You're supposed to laugh! That was my huge punchline and you ruined it all! That took me six lightyears for me to think of!" screeched Darth Oven, waving his fist in the air.

Five hours later, the cucumbers start laughing. One nudges Krumb and motions for him to laugh.

"Oh right! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Krumb a little too obviously.

"About time too…" said Darth Oven.

After the obvious fake laughing subsided, Krumb cleared his throat and took out his moisture pistol. "Prepare to meet your doom Darth Oven!!" hollered Krumb, attempting to shoot his moisture pistol from the hip.

"You stupid fool! You know shooting from the hip never works you gaybo!" screeched Darth Oven whilst drawing his threatening cu-sabre. "Prepare to perish little Krumbling!"

Krumb and Darth Oven engaged in a swashbuckling battle of moistness.

Darth Oven knocks Krumb's moisture pistol from his hand and crushes it beneath his boot.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! MY PISTOL!! I HAD TO GET THAT FROM

7-11 YOU GAYBO!!!!!!!!!!!!! IEEEEEEE!!!!" hollered Krumb pulling out a tub of petroleum jelly from his eyebrow extensions. "PREPARE TO BE JELLIFIED BY THE ALMIGHTY PETROLEUM JELLYYYYYYY!!!!"

Darth Oven stared blankly at the tub of petroleum jelly. "What is this petroleum jelly you speak of?" asked Darth Oven.

Krumb went into the full story of the almighty petroleum jelly. "… And from Allen's you can get quality petroleum jelly for 50% off! It makes great lube" exclaimed Krumb waving his arms around wildly.

"REALLY?!" hollered Darth Oven.

"REALLY" said Krumb nodding his head.

"REALLY?!?!" hollered Darth Oven again.

"REALLY" said Krumb.

"Wow. That's a real bargain!! I WANT SOME!!!!!!" shrieked Darth Oven, " GET ME SOME OF THIS 'PETROLEUM JELLY'" Darth Oven screeched at his minions while perusing an Allen's catalogue that he pulled out of his Hello Kitty backpack. "GET SOME OF THIS MAGICAL SUBSTANCE IMMEDIATELY! MY LIPS HURT REAL BAD!!" he hollered tossing aside his strawberry flavoured chapstick.

Krumb meanwhile, felt proud of himself that he had led someone to use the magical petroleum jelly and applied some to his scorching hot buttockers.

Once Darth Oven had ordered his petroleum jelly, his attention snapped back to Krumb. "Ah, I see you're still here you puny little Krumbling"

Krumb looked around. "Yes apparently I am"

Darth Oven blinked profusely. "What do you mean apparently?? What are you dumb or something?? ARGH! MINI DARTH!! STOP HUMPING THE COOKIE LASER!!" screeched Darth Oven as Mini Darth humped the laser at a speed that was not humanly possible.

Krumb stared absentmindedly. "Whoa, I thought I smelled cabbage…"

"And what does that mean!?" demanded Darth Oven, hands on his prosthetic Supre cloak complete with spangly tassels.

"… nothing" Krumb muttered. "So this is your intergalactic laser is it??" said Krumb pointing up at the laser with his non-existent shvinky, as though he were over there for a bbq.

Darth Oven grunted like a huge electronic caveman. "… yer …"

"Incoming transmission my lord" said a rather spotty cucumber cookie clone.

The transmitter made noises like poo coming out of an overly large arse and a small hologram of the emperor appeared. "Palpa-palpa-palpatine calling"

Darth oven sighed a sigh that could only be made by one with artificial space-lungs. "Yeees, masta?"
Palpatine cleared his throat. "Alright. Now what's this about you being a little bitch and wanting petroleum jelly?"

"B-but masta, how could you have possibly heard THAT?" stammered Darth Oven.

"Well you DO have the biggest space lungs any space being could hope for. I don't hand those out to just any little whiny sith ya know!" said Palpatine crossing his arms.

A look of hurt crossed over Darth Oven's plastic face.

"Oh Lordy Loo, you're not crying in there are you?" mocked Palpatine.
"Uhm…no…I've just got something in me eye… even though this thing is completely sealed…" Darth Oven let out a long horrendous wail. "NOBODY LOVES MEEEEE!!!"

"Oh! Oh! OOH! You being a little bitch again now are you?! Well isn't that just GREAT?!" Palpatine did the gay-man hand thing that gay men often do. "Oh you think siths these days would at least have some backbone! I mean come on! Look- I'm sorry- I'm sorry- I've had the worst day ya know! I went to the manicurist and she said my nails were the foulest things she had ever come across and when I went for my nose job, I asked the surgeon to make me look like JLO and I get off the surgery table looking like freakin' Shrek!" Palpatine was almost in tears himself by now.

Darth Oven was flabbergasted. "SHREK!?!? WHO THE HELL'S YOUR SURGEON!? I'LL KILLIM!!! *takes out ever-so-threatening cu-sabre*
"Oh, no-one, just some dick over on me death star, you know... It's so hard to find good help these days, sheesh…" Palpatine inspected his nails. "Oh but excuse me, I just had a little moment there. Hur hur. Pay no mind, pay no mind" Palpatine farted and swung his arms around like windmills just for the heck of it.

Darth Oven did the same and soon they were both just about ready for takeoff.

Krumb blinked and he too, not knowing any better and having an IQ of 0.000000000000000000001, joined in the arm swinging whilst farting like a maniac aerobics routine.

About 5 hours later, everyone was well and truly buggered.

Palpatine was still sitting in his little hologram smoking a joint of weed whilst sticking his hand in inappropriate regions of the anatomy and then sniffing it whilst Darth Oven licked his armpits.

"Oh that's gotta be infection" said Palpatine after noticing a foreign smell of almonds on his hand.
"What's gotta be? This angry looking cist on your back?" inquired Darth Oven, licking his armpits like there was no tomorrow.
"No, no, no that, this odd smell of almonds I'm getting from me crotch---Oh wait—what the hell… oh this explains everything" murmured Palpatine, procuring a small bag of sand. Palpatine looked at his crotch. "Hey, d'you reckon this looks like carpet burn? Anyone? Hello?"

Krumb raised his hand like an excited 2 year old. "OOOOH! ME, SIR, ME!! MOfo1" At this point, Krumb had dropped his pants and was practically wiping his buttockers on Palpatine's face.

"BY GOD! Yes, this is exactly what I've got… oh I say… d'you think that's a rash?" inquired Palpatine pointing to an angry red spot on his doodle.

Krumb peered at it, his nose practically touching Palpatine's holographic doodle. He sniffed at it a few times. "SO THIS IS THE DEATH STAR!?" he cried horrendously, pointing to the red doodle spot that was about the size of a pimple.

"Hey that looks a bit like a pimple" pointed out Darth Oven.

"Pimple?!" Krumb exclaimed incredulously.

"Yes. A pimple" said Darth Oven, matter-of-factly.

"IF I HAVEN'T HEARD OF IT, IT DOESNAE EXIST!!!!!!" he cried, pointing a triumphant finger up his nostril.

"A-a-are you sure it's not… HERPES?!?!?" quietly yelled Palpatine.
Some of the cucumber minions heard this and wrinkled their non-existent noses. What if they had contracted it while preparing his genitalia for display?! Even Windex couldn't clean THAT off!

"Herpes shcmerpes" said Krumb, brushing off the concept of an STI. To be honest, he had never heard of such a thing. Really. "I'm sure it's just some STD you picked in some whorehouse…"

"REALLY?!" yelled Palpatine most quietly.

"Really."

"Well fuck me!"
Krumb's eyes twinkled. "Is that an… Invitation?"

Palpatine's eyes glistened in the starlight. "Well… it very well might be!"

They both eyebrowed each other for five hours.

Darth Oven cleared his throat. "AAAaaAAaAaaaAAAAAaaAaAAAAAAAAAAAaaaAAaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaAaaaAAAA" Darth Oven removed a ball of phlegm the size of Mars from his throat. "WAAAAAAA!! EES ALMOST AS BIG AS MAIIE NUTS!!!" cried Darth Oven, feeling like Peter Pan in his tights who just flew in from Never-Never Land.

Palpatine and Krumb stared.

"Shit!!" yelled Palpatine in alarm, furiously windmilling his arms and wiggling his ears. "How in the oven-mits do you fit those nuts in thar!?!? I mean, they gotta be itchin' something fierce; what, with all the friction! "
"Enough to light a fire.." hollered Darth Oven with pride.
Krumb stared at Darth Oven as though he were a new-found celebrity.

"Teach me to be like you!!" he sighed, staring up at Darth Oven with gleaming eyes.

Darth Oven pulled out a second pair of Peter Pan tights from his crotch. "Wee bit stinky" he said. The pair of tights had a large yellow urine patch on it. "'fraid I forgot to wash it the last time I wore them."