This is the true resolution to Middle Earth's plot according to Tolkien's spirit. If you disagree then you are going against his wishes.
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Bilbo awoke from his nap. There was a knock on his door.
"Who is it?" he asked very curiously, he was not expecting anyone because he had told Gandalf and Frodo to leave him alone until there was marrow on his bones again.
"Oh, just a visit to anihilate the lamentations of loneliness chastity!" said a wise and whory voice from behind the door.
Bilbo was very horny, his corpus cavernosum got filled with blood just listening to that slut voice of woe. So he mustered all his unlaziness and got out of the sofa and walked like a narcoleptic goose to open the door. It was...Ariën!
"OFMG what the hell is the Sun doing here!?" said the Biblo very surprisedly and meanly.
"Oh, I was lonely in the Vaiya... I need some company... of the PLATONIC sort..."
DARNMITS! The Bilbo erection much protests, he must satisfy his Morgoth desires or else suffer bloody mutiny! But the Ariën light is much radioactive with it's UV intensity of carnicery emotions, so his penis head gets warty and filled with tumours. Arën notices and slaps him in the face with the strength of a thousand atomic bombs.
"BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO RAPE ME!? HOW DARE YOU TRY TO VIOLATE A GUEST, YOU UNHOSPITALITY DEMON OF INSIPID HEART ABCESSES OF UNMANLINESS!?"
Her facial slap completly obliterates the Shire, burning it like the blast of ten thousand stars and sending the Biblo head to fly all the way to outer space into the Doors of Night and into Morgoth's anus of rotten elephant seal turds all the way until it emerges from his mouth and comes flying back to Arda once again. Ariën is much distraught at the horrible perv hobbit known as the Bilbo and cries bitter tears of pooped caramel, but she is drawn to the decapitated and still standing body. The mutated boner is still pulsing, so she much likes and begins sucking on the trousers with much pleasure in her heart of pus, utterly burning the tumours and warts alongside the leather panties. She gobbles the ruined man meat with much pleasure, the radiance of her gamma rays making it very structurally unstable and almost oozing off as blackened bloody jelly, but she kept it structurally intact.
"No Mr. Cock, you will not melt off until I have the soul essence of the Bilbo!" says Ariën the devil Ainur with much wisdom in her cancerous, radiant radioactive nipples.
All the sounds of Ariën and decapitated!Biblo attract the unsavoury attention of Gandalf the White. He is much unpleased with the evil Sun Maia, she has gone astray and burned his favourite spot to smoke carcinogenic weeds and to addict potential hobbit customers.
"Bitch, you are ruining my business!" says the Gandalf with much unpleasure in his old wrinkly balls.
Ariën showed him the middle finger, so he got very mad, he fired a light blast at her! But the luminous torso absorbed the light, and redirected it right back at his gonorrhea prostate, utterly slaughtering it until it was not but bloody diarrhea oozing from his prehistoric arse.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH YOU SHITTY WOMAN WHY YOU DO THAT!?"
"Because misogyny has no place in this post-tribulation world of recuperative healing" says Ariën wisy before resuming the suckery.
The Gandalf plight worsens, HeLa cell tumours are developing within his distilled rectum and spreading up his body. If he nothing does not do he will be a living tumour on the shape of a wizard, so he whistles for the Eagles to come and take him back to Valinor. Instead they come and unleash their cloacas, gallons upon gallons of uric acid burning him alive, melting his flesh in all directions.
"You do not treat us like cabs you homophobic devil wizard of wasted potential!" says the aerial theropod with much wisdom, bumping fists with the still sucking Ariën.
Gandalf melts into a puddle of bloody blackened flesh, leaving a skeleton of pure white calcium and an angry, ugly, evil, devil spirit to return to the Valar and get revenge. Ariën understand the danger, so she ends the suckery and sits on the now fairly stabilised Bilbo phallus, putting her butt on it. The mummified cancer cock enters her shit tunnel with much haste, lubricated by orange plasma diarrhea.
"Oh Bilbo, if only you could hear me I would tell you that your wonderous rhadamantium mage genital is very fat and nice in my pudendal nerve!" moans and screams the pleasantry sultry Maia with butt condensation desires.
The decapitated Bilbo head smiles and moans in aproval, before passing out. Ariën increases the fuckery, she orgasms and magma cum bursts forth from her pussy, melting the earth all the way to the magmatic core. Her anal muscles contract and make the Biblo penis orgasm just in time, as his body it utterly incenerated by the fire underground blast. The penis melts off into a bloody paste that is expelled shittily from her body, but the hobbit cum remains, it has fused with the Ariën essence in love and passions, the one thing she desired. She has acquired the Flame Imperishable, the Secret Fire that is her creator's light of creation. The Valar arrive, angry and condescending.
"You pitiful filthy second grade whore!" says meanly the Manwë, "You have defiled our purpose! You shall die and then submit!"
"Fat chance, eagle zoophile guy, I have just got Daddy's gift, and I shall end your tyrannical theocratic regime for once and for all!"
And so Ariën uses the Flame of Anor to create an ALFA 44, and kills the fuck out of Manwë, making him explode in a blast of putrid meat, cancerous feathers and ten thousand veneral diseases.
"No please don't kill us please!" beg the other Valar, posing sluttily on the ground and licking Ariën's pussy, but she has no mercy for them either, and creates a giant hammer to kill them as well, smashing them until they are nothing but potato juice.
Then a giant hole in the sky appears, and in comes Eru Illúvatar, the greater God, his eyes radiant like giant white dwarfs, his voice ruinous like an angry sea storm, his figure imponent as he wore a slutty pink t-shirt from American Eagle, blue jeans that hung tightly to his tights, bright sapphire high heels that went well with his hair, black lipstick, purple eye shadow and green eyelashes. He looked himself one last time in the mirrow, putting bright pink lipstick on his lips to look sexier.
"Congratulations, bitch, you have beaten me at my own game" says Eru camply, waving his hands like an alpha bitch, "You, like, are so the worst creation ever OMG!"
"So you see us not as children, but as creations!? Your reign of calamity and woe ends now, tyrant!"
"I, like, would so totally DARE you to try you unwashed tramp!"
Ariën gets MAD, so she fires her flame at Eru. Illúvatar also fires his flame, but he forgot he put all of his creative power on his creation's gonads, so the flame blasts him to smithereens and butterflies of tainted AIDS flesh, the theocide of the evil God complete. Ariën, and indeed the whole of Middle Earth, are now free for all eternity.
"My compatriots, the reign of the devil Eru god is over! I shall be your new Queen, a holy mother of the Sun, that shall guide you all to prosperity and glory!"
"Not so fast, devil Sun lady goddess of whoredom prolapsity!" says an evil corrupted voce.
Ariën gasps! Morgoth got out of his prison, the Bilbo head having opened the Doors of Night with his faces!
"My little living pussy, thank you ever so much for showing me the flame of Eru! Now I shall destroy you and condemn all of Eru's creations to ten thousand years of prostate cancers and phimosis unfold! HAW HAW HAW!"
"Not so fast!" says a divinity voice of pleasure.
Ariën cannot believe it... Túrin Turambar!
"How?" she asks righteously and wisdomly and whorely?
"I have also acquired the Secret Fire, my fair lady, I have serviced ten thousand orcs before I committed suicide, so I have a lot of cum and veneral diseases within me and thus the holy flame of passion and love that resides in all souls!"
"Curses, my petulant plan of corruption hacthery that I have commited upon the corrupted elves has shitten me once again!" cries Morgoth as he poops.
"And now, you must pay for your sins!" said Ariën and Túrin in perfect unison, "IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, SHINIGAMI HEAVEN KAMI DEVIL JUSTICE AHRIMAN SPELL!"
And so the flame burns Morgoth into a black hole of dementia deviancy, ending his pitiful life and his taint on Arda. Ariën ressurects Bilbo and pairs him up with Túrin against the former's wishes, and everyone lives happily forever after in a relatively confortable life of amorous amicability.