Title: Many Rivers to Cross
Author: Storyteller73
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner (POV) and Derek Morgan (pre-slash)
Warning:
Summary: Hotch analyses Morgan's actions as well as his own feelings. Follows "Here I Stand: I Can Do No Other"
"A man's character never chances radically from youth to old age. What happens is that circumstances bring out characteristics which have not been obvious to the superficial observer" Hesketh Pearson
In all my years of living I'm not sure I've met anyone quite like SSA Derek Morgan and probably never will as long as I live. Yet it is hard to imagine not having him here on the team and as a friend, he is loyal, strong, compassionate and dedicated not forgetting stubborn as a mule. For all of his tough guy attitude he's perhaps one of the most gentle individual around and it is these qualities that suck you in and refuse to let go until you're hooked.
I'm not sure how to describe what has been going on lately, but every time I turn around he's there, it seems like we're always in close proximity to each other. There's the brush of his hand against mine when he hands me coffee or a file, the looks that he doesn't think I see, the not too subtle hand on my shoulder or back that lingers a bit too long at times.
But its hard to imagine Morgan being interested in a man considering his past, I was there when he confronted Carl Buford in Chicago so I know what he when through and how it left scars that still haunts him even to this day as well as how it drives him to be the best profiler he can be so that he can help put away men like Buford. But the question isn't whether he's interested in men; the question plaguing me is why would he be interested in someone like me?
First of all he has to know that I'm not gay and second I'm his boss and the BAU has rules and regulations against fraternising with colleagues never mind a subordinate. We could both lose our careers if wind of this ever got to Section Chief Strauss, and considering how she feels about me, one doesn't have to wonder what her reaction would be. But still, just the thought that Morgan is interested in me, has feelings and emotions coursing through my body and mind that I never in my wildest dream thought I'd feel or even be thinking of.
There are times when I see him and my mind wonders off into forbidden territories, especially when he's wearing his black jeans and black t-shirt that seems a size too small for him and you really can't help notice how good he looks. I mean it's a given that Morgan is a fine specimen of a man that anyone, man or woman would be more than happy to him to themselves.
I may be single now but with a huge responsibility, I have my son to think of and being so young and impressionable as he is I have to be careful not to make any more drastic changes to our lives before he has fully adjusted to the ones already thrust upon him. Yet I know that it would be foolish to think that I can lock my emotions away and just concentrate on Jack and my career with it having any adverse effect.
There is no doubt in my mind that I care deeply for Derek Morgan and have to a while now, its not what worries or even frightens me at this point; the fact is I would like nothing more than to give this thing(attraction) between us a try and see what happens. But I am just afraid that there are too many rivers to cross where he and I are concern both professionally and personally for it to survive and the last thing I want to do is hurt him.
Many rivers to cross
But I can't seem to find my way over
Wandering I am lost
As I travel along the white cliffs of dover
Many rivers to cross
And it's only my will that keeps me alive
I've been licked, washed up for years
And I merely survive because of my pride
And this loneliness won't leave me alone
It's such a drag to be on your own
My woman left me and she didn't say why
Well, I guess I'll have to cry
Many rivers to cross
But just where to begin I'm playing for time
There have been times I find myself
Thinking of committing some dreadful crime
Yes, I've got many rivers to cross
And I merely survive because of my will...
Lyrics: Jimmy Cliff