This is the first part in a two-part humor fic. It's rather funny and totally random. Just alot of junk I like to keep hidden in my mind, now revealed. Though I have to admit, although it is stupid, I kinda like it. Please review and tell me what you think!
It was a pleasant Sunday afternoon. Everything was going along nicely, just as it usually did. The birds were singing, the bees were buzzing, and the sun was shining. The whole day was perfect. Just PERFECT!
'I said SHUT UP!!'
Or, maybe not… Let's investigate the source of that noise now, shall we?
Ooh. Lets see here… That's Hermione Granger; she was the one shouting before. With her long, straight perfect brown hair and her beautiful almond-shaped hazel eyes, she is simply a sight to behold… NOT! Hermione Granger had bushy brown hair that went up like an afro if the wind blew too harshly, her eyes, though they were rather nice, looked like they were popping out when she was angry. Not a sight to behold, that's for sure.
And whom else have we got here? Ahh, Mister Ronald Weasley. He's tall, charming and a rather handsome… maybe to some psycho that is. But to the average human, he was messy, lanky and plain ugly. Again, not a sight to behold.
Harry James Potter – now THIS must be the real deal. After all, having his name spoken aloud in every household wizard and being the strange attraction to a certain, Lord Voldemort, Harry must take great care of his looks! But then again, no he doesn't. He had messy jet-black hair and rough features, a really ugly scar plastered on his forehead AND he was un-naturally skinny for a boy his age.
BUT, if you took all the negativity away and PRETENDED that they WERE the most perfect people in the world, you would have this…
Hermione, she was tall, graceful and drop-dead gorgeous. With one wave of her perfectly manicured hand, she could send a man into a petrified state. She had the body to die for as well. So slim and perfect, you could swear that this was a made up fan fiction.
Ron. He was tall and very handsome indeed! His body was perfectly carved to, well… perfection! His fiery red hair was styled in a cool, trendy fashion. He had a smile that could send the hearts of angels' skywards. The only way to describe him was, well, PERFECT!
Last but most definitely NOT least, Harry! He wasn't as tall as Ron, but he most certainly possessed enough looks to send the girls wild. Just one look at him and you'd be gasping for breath. Harry was such a romantic, such a caring and understanding boy (and not the least bit clueless in any way!) that you'd be dumping your boyfriend for him this very second. He was like an angel in all females' eyes.
So, with the amazing powers of , Harry, Ron and Hermione, were the most perfect people in Hogwarts. Each possessing the looks and brains to die for! Well, anyways, back to my ridiculously random tale…
''What do you mean, "Shut up"?' said Ron as he ran over to Hermione without even braking a sweat. Girls around him fainted happily as he passed by. ''Hermione, I'm talking to you!'
' Well, DON'T then! Can't you see I'm angry!' the brown-haired Goddess (Not really) barked back at him. The sound of her voice made the boys of Hogwarts fall to their knees. It was like music to their ears. Music that went like this;
La, la, la, la, la, la, LAAAAAA!!!
Nice, huh?
So, anyways…
'Hermione! I love you!' Ron suddenly shouted out. The outburst was so… so RANDOM that the day turned to night and an orchestra of violinists came to life playing a soft, romantic tune in the background. 'It is true, Hermione!' said Ron, now suddenly on his knees. 'I truly do love you! And, please accept this as a token of my undivided love for you!'
Ron pulled out a small purple box and presented it to Hermione. Hermione squealed in delight and grabbed it from his hand – gracefully. She opened the box and almost fainted when she found out its contents. A 24-karat wedding ring! 'Dear, GOD!' Hermione screamed, almost un-perfectly. ' How on earth did you get the money to buy me this???'
Ron smirked. 'Well, due to the completely unreal insanity of this fan fiction, my father got a job as the Ministry of Magic and afforded it,' he said casually. 'No biggie really.'
Hermione squealed happily again and ran over to embrace her new love. She wrapped her long, perfect arms around Ron's perfect neck and smiled blissfully. ' I am now the happiest girl in the history of stolen Harry Potter fiction!' she said, delightedly.
Ron/Hermione shippers sighed gratefully in the background whilst Draco/Hermione and Harry/Hermione shippers fumed angrily. Curses and swears were exchanged between the groups of crazed Harry Potter fans and a war was broken out. Hermione and Ron were left smooching.
'Aww! That's so sweet!' said Harry, the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Not-Say-A-Word-In-This-Fic. Then, a sudden, completely random thought, struck Harry's mind. 'I have always loved Hermione too! How dare that (Insert swear word here) take MY Hermione away from me!'
Harry pulled a sword out of nowhere and sliced it above his head, shouting, 'I shall fight!'
Ron, who had just seen Harry's peculiar battle pose, immediately stopped kissing his beloved Hermione to reply Harry. ' Very well, then, Potter!' he hissed, eyes suddenly glowing green. 'I shall fight you for my dear Hermione's love!'
Harry smirked and suddenly, POP! Out of nowhere, Draco Malfoy appeared beside Harry and shoved the Boy Wonder aside. 'That's not how you do a smirk!' said the pale, once ugly but now extremely handsome boy. 'Let me show you a REAL smirk!'
Malfoy's lips twisted to form a smirk and girls around him fainted happily. Hermione was amongst the fainted females.
Draco saw Hermione faint and said, 'My love! I shall fight for you as well!'
The oddities between the four were growing weirder and weirder, so an audience gathered around to watch. Bets were made to decide who was going to win. Ron, Harry or Draco? The highest biddings were on Harry whilst the lowest was on Ron. The Harry/Hermione, Ron/Hermione and Draco/Hermione shippers bid on their favourite males and watched the battle progress.
'First off in The Battle for Hermione's Heart are Ron and Draco!' a mysterious voice announces from nowhere. 'Let the battle COMMENCE!'
Cheers and boos were heard, some for Ron, some for Draco. Crazed fan girls had gathered round in front in case one of the boys (they didn't care who) fell off the ring (yes! They're in a ring now!).
The first round was simple enough. Both parties decided to stare each other down. Ron had on his blur-face stare whilst Draco puts on a dark and eerie glare. The rules? Whoever blinks or shows any sign of intimidation, loses.
'This is going to be easy!' thought Draco to himself. 'After all, 17 years of being a total brat DOES have its advantages!'
Ron on the other hand was having a hard time not to blink. It seemed that he, Ron, was about to shed a tear. The audience watched as the stare-down between Ron and Draco continued.
(5 hours later…)
Draco and Ron were both determined to win Hermione's heart, so no matter how hard it was not to blink; they stood their ground with stubborn thoughts.
The cheers and boos from the audience had died down ages ago and the students of Hogwarts continued on their business. Only six Ron/Hermione shippers and eight Draco/Hermione shippers were left, staring at the battle at hand.
Since both parties still did not want to give up, the author of this extremely pointless story decided to end the battle, giving both males a nice 10-10 on the score charts.
'And so begins round TWO of Draco versus Ron!' shouts the mysterious voice happily. ' In this round, both Ron and Draco must do whatever it takes to push the other off the ring.'
The crazed fan girls once again gathered round the ring, hoping and praying that one of them would FINALLY fall!
Draco's first attempt to push Ron down was to do it the good old Muggle way – he literally PUSHED Ron down! But, unfortunately for him, Ron stood his ground and did not fall.
The fan girls sighed sadly.
Ron's first attempt was to do the same. So the two smitten boys pushed and shoved, shoved and pushed to get each other to fall off the ring. Both did not fall.
Frowning, one of the boys in the audience, Blaise Zabini, I believe, hissed to his friend, 'Why aren't they using their magic??'
Oops. And after hearing this, both Draco and Ron grabbed their wands, pulled them out and shouted many different versions of spells, both ancient and modern. A few minutes later, the ring was filled with multi-coloured spells, curses and jinxes. The audience sighed when they realized that the whole fight would, once again, lead to a tie.
What do you think? Dumb, huh? Please review. Everyone knows that the only reason I even write this is FOR THE REVIEWS. Tell me who you think Hermione should end up with as well! 5 or more reviews and I swear I'll continue!