HURTS ALL OVER
Jacen sat beside Tenel Ka's bed in the medcenter. Tenel Ka fed baby Allana and Jacen swore that Allana was so much happier being with her mother.
"I can't wait to get outta here," Tenel Ka complained. She was still refusing a prosthetic hand, and Jacen knew better than to fight her.
"I don't blame you. It sucks here." Jacen had been studying.
Han and Leia knocked softly at the door. "May we come in?"
"Sure," Tenel motioned them with her handless arm.
"How're you feeling?" Leia asked her.
"Getting out of here tomorrow," Tenel Ka said, smiling.
"Tenel Ka, I have some news for you," Leia said, hesitating. "It's about your grandmother."
"Is she dead?"
Leia was a bit astonished, even though she shouldn't have been. "Yes, she is. She was supposed to be kept in solitary, away from the other prisoners, but somehow, it feel through the cracks and she was beaten to death by several other prisoners."
"Good." Tenel Ka motioned Jacen to help so she could burp her their daughter. "She killed my mother. Not that my mother wasn't sort of crazy, she was, but she wasn't mean."
"Your father remains incarcerated."
"The galaxy's better with him there." Tenel Ka's voice was calm, but her eyes demonstrated her anger.
"I'm sending a delegation to Hapes, and see if we can set up some alternative form of government, but I'm warning you, this is a long and complicated procedure, and as your constitution declares that only a genetically related Queen Mother can rule, we're going to have to have one present. We don't have the authority to overrule a constitution. We can make suggestions and it has to comply with galactic law, but we cannot simply just go in and change everything."
"What're you saying, Mom?" Jacen asked.
"What she's saying, son, is that Tenel Ka needs to return to Hapes," Han told Jacen, laying a hand on his eldest son's shoulder.
The room fell silent.
Jacen broke it. "Mom, is this true?"
Leia nodded. "I'm sorry."
"I think you guys have a lot to talk about," Han said quietly.
"We'll be in the cafe," Leia told them.
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"Jacen will never agree to go," Leia said as she and Han sipped their very poor quality kafs.
"He's got two more months and he's done with training, right?"
"And he wants to work with animals. Can you actually see him as a consort?"
"Not really," Han agreed. "But what about Allana? How are they going to take care of her?"
"I have no idea. But I will tell you this: she is my granddaughter and I will do whatever I need to in order to make sure she's safe, well cared for and loved."
Han was familiar with this version of Leia. So were the unfortunates who underestimated her. Very few made that mistake twice.
"Maybe you should accompany her to Hapes," Han suggested. "Now that I don't have to worry about that jerk Isolder." He grinned mirthfully.
"Isolder was never in contention. For one thing, he was stupid, and I have no indication that he ever became something other than more stupid." Leia sipped some more kaf. "This is awful. I was tempted to try a pastry but I suspect they're even worse."
"I can be your official taster," Han offered.
"That's all right. My waistline doesn't need it."
"You're even more beautiful than when I met you," Han told her.
"Flattery will get you everywhere, Flyboy."
"I'm counting on it." He winked at her, and Leia gave him the smile that when he first met her he would try so hard to get from her. "I hate it when you have to go on these types of missions, and you know it. But I think you should go with Tenel Ka and the baby. It's gonna be real tough for her, trying to be a new mom and dealing with being a queen, especially since it's urgent."
Leia nodded. "Before the baby was born, Jacen was talking to me one night. He isn't really sure of his feelings for Tenel Ka, and maybe right now, they'd best be apart. Jacen has to finish his schooling, Tenel Ka has a planet to run."
"Too bad they didn't think of that before she got pregnant."
"Han, we didn't plan baby three or baby four," Leia reminded him.
"We were a lot older, we were married, and we had money."
"They both really love their little girl. You can tell."
"I know, but let's get Jacen through school. He's gotten four good job offers. They're his for the choosing."
"Only one of the many choices they're going to have to make in their lives," Leia sighed. "I know he's upset about Tenel Ka's hand."
"She isn't."
"Maybe they won't make it as a couple. But as parents, I think they'll be fine."
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Tenel Ka had finished nursing Allana and the baby was asleep at her side. Jacen marveled at the little girl and how much he already loved her.
"You know I care a lot about you," Jacen said to Tenel Ka."
"And I you," she answered.
"But - I don't know how to say this - "
"We should go our own ways."
Jacen nodded sadly, lowering his head. "Yeah. I think we should. I wanna work with animals, not be a consort."
"I know," Tenel Ka said softly. "There may be a time for us, but that time isn't now. I don't want to go to Hapes, but until I can get changes in place, I think I have to. Your mom is right about that."
"What about our little girl?"
Tenel Ka considered the matter, cuddling her tiny daughter. "I need to have her near me right now; I know you've all been substitute feeding her but she needs the bond that only I can give her. But I'm not sure that I can pull the Hapes Consortium together, and I'm not sure I can be a good mother at the same time."
"I don't want her to go, but you're her mom, and yeah, she needs you. I have four good job offers; all I need to do is get through the next two months till I'm licensed. I want to be part of her life." Jacen was trying very hard not to cry. He was overwhelmed with the amount of emotion that his daughter aroused in him. "I'll visit her as often as I can, I promise. I want her to know she's got a dad. And I intend to support her once I start working."
Tenel Ka looked at him sadly. "I will miss you, Jacen. I still think there's a time and place for us. It just isn't today. I have no intentions of being the Queen Mother for very long. But like your mom says, that's a lot of work and it grinds slow."
"I know." Jacen stood up and wrapped his arms around Tenel Ka and Allana. Both had tears in their eyes, but were determined to stay strong.
They had a daughter to consider.
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Han and Leia returned to see Allana, Jacen and Tenel Ka. The sadness in both of the young parents' faces was obvious, but there was some relief mixed in there somewhere as well.
"Leia, can I talk to you alone for a few?" Tenel Ka asked her.
"Of course."
"C'mon, Jace, let's get some food into you," Han said, placing his hand on Jacen's back and leading him out.
Leia turned to Tenel Ka. "What can I do for you?" Leia asked.
"I know you're sending a delegation to Hapes, but is there any way you can come with me? I don't know how I'm supposed to be a new mom and a new queen mother at the same time and I'm worried I'll screw up both."
Leia took her hand. "You won't screw up either. And I'd be willing to travel with you and Allana."
"I know it sounds selfish, but right now, she needs me," Tenel Ka said.
"Absolutely."
"She needs Jacen, too. But Jacen's path and mine diverge here, and it's so hard. I know he'll take care of her any way he can and he'll love her and make sure he knows who her dad is." Tears began to fall from Tenel Ka's eyes. "I know he feels horrible about my hand, but I wish he'd stop. He was trying to save our baby. To me, that's what love is, putting yourself in danger to save someone else."
"You know a great deal more about love than many people twice your age," Leia said quietly.
"I'm going to miss Jacen so much. I really hope that someday, we'll be able to come together again, that I can leave Hapes, and we'll find a good life wherever we are."
"I think you're both wise at this point not to force the relationship. Just remember that the future is not yet written."
"I want to thank you for everything you've done for Jacen and Allana and me."
"You know we love all three of you," Leia said simply. "I'll arrange to be part of your detail. I hate to rush you, but this needs to happen quickly. There's considerable civil unrest brewing in the Consortium, and you're needed to help that not become a full on force."
"We'll leave tomorrow, then," Tenel Ka said. She began to cry again. "This is gonna be harder than I thought."
"Let it go for now," Leia told her gently. "He'll miss you, too, but you both have things you need to do." She embraced Tenel Ka.
Little Allana began fussing, and Leia picked up the baby as Tenel prepared to feed her, marveling at the baby's softness and sweet features. It had been a long time since there was a baby in their midst, and Leia basked in it.
Time was I didn't even think I wanted to be a mother, she told herself. She found that hard to imagine. Especially now that she was a grandmother.
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Jacen, who normally ate enough for three people, picked listlessly at his dinner.
"This is what we call a clusterfuck, son," Han told him. "Life's full of 'em sometimes."
Jacen raised his eyes. "I can't believe how much I love my little girl. She's two weeks old and not being with her...it sucks." Tears glazed his eyes, but he choked them back. "And believe it or not, I wish Tenel Ka didn't have to go."
"I think you guys are on overload. Something I have a passing familiarity with," Han reminded him.
"I know. And I didn't help."
"That was then, this is now. You need to finish your education, and it's not that long now. I think that's the best thing you can do for yourself, for Allana, and even for Tenel Ka."
"I know, I know. But I'm gonna miss them so much. It hurts all over."
"Concentrate on your studies. That's what you need to do in this moment."
"What if Tenel Ka has to stay on Hapes forever? I'm not going there. They treat men like dirt."
"Some men need to be treated like dirt. You're not one of 'em."
"She's always said she doesn't want to be Queen Mother. And now she's doing it."
"She and your mom are talking about changes to the structure of their government. That's a hideously slow process. No one knows how it's gonna turn out. Not even Uncle Luke."
That made Jacen laugh. "Even he's wrong sometimes."
"Future's not cast in stone, kiddo. You do have ways to influence it."
"Doesn't seem like I can do anything right now."
"You can love your daughter. You and Tenel can figure out where you're both going with this. Even if you don't make it as partners, you can still be a good father."
"That's what sucks so bad. I have no idea how to be a good dad!"
"I think you do. More than you think you do." Han smiled. "If you think I've done everything right, you're certifiable."
Both men laughed. "You're a good dad."
"I do what I can. And that's all you can do, too. I would suggest that you and Tenel Ka make plans for you to visit them when you graduate. And I know your mom will make sure Tenel Ka and Allana are there when you get your diploma."
"I've got four job offers."
"That's the other thing to consider. I'm sure they'd let you have a couple weeks before you start, just to decompress. And then you'll have to prove yourself, yet again, but you can do it."
"I feel like I'm always having to prove myself."
"Welcome to adult life, kiddo."
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Han and Leia were sitting together on the sofa. Jarik and Jacen were both asleep, Leia had gotten permission and finished packing and they seized on the first quiet moment they'd had in a while.
"I hate leaving. You know that," Leia said.
"I do. I'll take care of Jarik."
"Corrupt him, you mean," Leia said, her smile mischievous.
"It's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it." Both laughed. "Our new parents aren't having an easy time of it."
"No, but I think they'll be all right."
"They will. Jacen knows what he has to do, and apparently, so does Tenel Ka."
"I wish there was a way to make this less painful for them."
"I think the most painful thing about being a parent is watching your kids in pain, and not being able to do anything about it." Han pulled Leia closer, her head resting on his chest.
"And even when they're grown up, it doesn't stop."
"I think once you become a parent, that switch gets flipped and you can't reset it."
Leia closed her eyes. "I don't know about you, Flyboy, but I'm exhausted and I'm going to have to do a lot of work on the way to Hapes. However," she looked up impishly, "I could be persuaded to do something other than sleep when we first get there."
"Well, what are we waiting for?"