5 Reasons Why Blaine Anderson Wouldn't Want To Marry Kurt Hummel Under Any Circumstances - By Rachel Berry and Mercedes Jones
It was February the 8th when Kurt found it.
The thing.
Oh god.
Why would Blaine do something like this. WHY?
Kurt always knew Blaone loved cliches and was (although Blaine vehemently denied it) a hopeless romantic, but still. Dear god, no-one could be this hopeless, could they?
Apparently they could, and apparently Kurt was dating the worst sap on the planet. Blaine had managed to usurp Edward from Twilight. All Blaine needed was god-like hair (which Kurt wouldn't object to - anything to fix the helmet hair Blaine insisted on sporting) and an obsessive fanbase which took every word Blaine spoke as the gospel. Which Blaine sort-of had in the form of the Warblers.
Kurt was dating the non-vampire version of Edward Cullen.
Oh dear gaga.
But back to the matter at hand. When Kurt had been picking Blaine's uniform up off the floor (honestly he was such a teenage boy sometimes) a small box had fallen out of the blazer pocket.
A small ring box to be precise.
And when Kurt had opened it up with shaking fingers, he had promptly dropped it with a gasp.
Because nestled in the box had been the gaudiest ring Kurt had ever seen. It physically hurt him to look at it. Rachel Berry herself would had run screaming from it.
A week before Valentine's Day, Blaine had a secret ring in his blazer pocket. One that was a real diamond, but cut into the shape of a pink heart and had forever carved into the side of the band.
Kurt shoved it away and turned and sprinted to the nearest bathroom.
"Boo, it can't have been that bad"
Mercedes, Kurt and Rachel were having a sleepover in Kurt's house. They were up in Kurts room and Kurt had just filled the girls in on the travesty that was 'The Ring Incident'.
"'Cedes, you didn't see it. It was like ... it was like ... it was like a five year old girls dream come true."
Mercedes whistled. "Sounds pretty serious"
Rachel scoffed from the seat beside her. "Pretty serious? It's worse than the possibility of me not receiving a Tony! And thats saying something!"
Mercedes rolled her eyes at Rachel's dramatics "Honey it's not that bad ..."
"Not that bad? It's World War 3 waiting to happen! Blaine will propose to Kurt when they're still in High School ON VALENTINE'S DAY OF ALL DAYS with the ugliest piece of Jewellery this world has ever seen Kurt will be sucked in by Blaine's puppy-dog eyes and agree they'll probably be married before either of them start college and have a really cheap wedding with suits bought OFF THE RACK and when Kurt becomes famous and people ask about the wedding or see the ring they will look at him with eyes full of such pity that he will eventually stop talking and his voice will be so neglected it won't work anymore so he won't get anymore roles on Broadway because he can't sing anymore so he will resort to begging on the streets in really unfashionable clothes because he will have sold everything he owns except that ring because Blaine will use the puppy-dog eyes on him if he tries to sell it and then people will look at him with pity because he's on the streets AND because of that ring and he will feel so bad he will die."
Rachel finishe off her rant with a flourish and Mercedes looked at her sceptically. Kurt however had started crying sometime around the words "off the rack".
"My gaga ..." he whispered "You're right. I am going to be subjected to a life full of pitying stares ..."
Kurt then proceded to have a full-on breakdown on the bed. Finn, who happened to be passing by Kurt's room, looked in with eyes full of concern. "Everything alright?" he asked. Kurt looked up from his fit on the bed.
"No Finn. Everything is not alright. I am going to spend the rest of my life on the receiving sympathetic glances and being a topic of gossip for people to look down on and I will have to act like I am happy this has happened and that accepting that atrocity and wearing it has been the best thing that ever happened to me when in fact it will be the cause of my destruction and untimely death!"
Kurt threw himself back down on the bed while Mercedes and Rachel tried to comfort him while shooting Finn glares. Finn stood awkwardly in the doorway for a minute before mumbling something about crisps and leaving.
After a few minutes Mercedes sighed
"There's only one thing you can do Kurt." Kurt looked up at her from his position on the bed and frowned.
"What is there to do? It's hopeless 'Cedes I can't turn him down - have you seen his puppy-dog eyes? They're prize-worthy 'Cedes. PRIZE-WORTHY! You try to reject prize-worthy puppy-dog eyes."
Mercedes looked at him. "Honey, why don't you break-up with him?"
Rachel and Kurt gasped simultaneously.
"'Cedes! How could you say such a thing? Kurt loves Blaine."
Mercedes looked at Rachel. "Well, if he doesn't end it with Blaine, he will have to marry Blaine which will result in his ... what was it you said Kurt? ... Oh yeah, 'untimely death'. But if he isn't with Blaine, then Kurt can live out a long and full life. Your choice Kurt."
Kur sighed, fiddling with his pjs. "I just never thought it would end this way" he muttered.
Rachel gave him a sad smile. "Well, your boyfriend - with good intentions - picking out hideous excuse for an engagement ring for you when you're both only seventeen and planning to propose to you on Valentine's Day of all days, which would ultimately lead to your premature demise is a hardly an easy thing to predict sweetie."
Kurt sniffed. "You have a point girls. I guess this is the end of Klaine.
(A/N I am a die-hard Klaine shipper. There is no way in hell I would break them up don't worry :D)
There was a moment of silence between the three, until Rachel had a sharp intake of breath. The other two looked at her in confusion.
"What if ... he uses the puppy-dog eyes when you are trying to break up?" she dramatically whispered.
Kurt and Mercedes hadn't thought about this. There was another silence as they all thought about what could happen. This one was broken by Kurt face-palming.
"Oh gaga," he said "The Warblers".
They probably wouldn't take to kindly to their lead soloist being broken-hearted. Kurt shuddered to think of what Wes and his gavel might do.
Kurt shook his head. "There is no way I can break up with him. Not with them."
Rachel and Mercedes pondered this. Kurt was about to go pick out the one outfit he would be allowed to keep when he was turned onto the streets,when Mercedes snapped her fingers.
"What if you don't break up with him?" she said. Kurt and Rachel shared a confused glance.
"We already established this 'Cedes. I would die an untimely death, remeber?"
Mercedes shook her head. "But what if you weren't his boyfriend anymore?" she asked.
Rachel blinked at her. "Kurt would die anyway because Wes would kill him with his gavel ..." she said slowly. Mercedes smiled "Not if Blaine breaks up with Kurt" she grinned, finally getting to the punch. Kurt looked at her with hope in his eyes at a chance he could cone out of this horrid turn of events alive unti reality hit him in the face. "Won't happen." he saud glumly. "He won't break up with me anytime in the next five days if he's ready to pop the question."
Rachel grinned evilly at this. "But what if we change his mind?" she asked "What if we make you the most awful boyfriend on the planet so that no man in his right mind would want to spend forever with you?"
Kurt glanced between the girls "It'll be hard" he warned them "I am possibly the best boyfriend ever, but" he sighed "it's worth a shot, I mean, what have I got to lose? Except, you know, my life if this doesn't work."
Rachel and Mercedes smiled creepily at the same time."Trust us" Rachel said "It'll work" Mercedes finished.
Using Finn, Puckerman, and every other boy the girls had dated as information, they compiled a list of the five best ways to lose a guy and named it "The Five Reasons Why Blaine Anderson Would Not Want To Marry Kurt Hummel Under Any Circumstances" - by Mercedes Jones and Rachel Berry.
When it was finished the girls looked proudly at the work, while Kurt examined it with a look of faint horror.
"I can't do any of this." he whispered. "It's too awful."
Rachel laughed maniacally. "It will do the job" she said "and then some" mumbled Kurt.
Rachel clapped her hands together. "Alright" she shouted "Let's get to work."
Becks