"Making love to boys is like the sleep of a wolf under a flower whose petals are falling."

- Yukio Mishima, 'Forbidden Colours'

Hello, everybody! New fic time! This one is a slightly insane one-shot in two parts. Some bits are kind of offensive, so if i get flamed to hell or even kicked off for it, i won't be wholly surprised (although i will be somewhat disappointed). Give it a chance, its just a romantic comedy...

Disclaimer: The following characters are copyright Kazuki Takahashi 1996 (i think). 'Duel Monsters' is also his, as are all the places. So i borrowed them. So what? Also, some original ideas sort of from Cassandra Claire's brilliant 'A Lot to be Upset About'. Not that that has a copyright, but...

Warnings: Excessive swearing, incest, necrophilia (sort of), yaoi, hideous pairings, randomness, stupidity, total OOCness, don't kill me. Rated mostly for language and themes, no lemons, sorry. Slight overuse of a particular song, i can't help it, im obsessed. Use of the Japanese names, so if you're not sure...

Joey - Jounouchi Duke - Otogi
Tristan - Honda Téa - Anzu

Ishizu - Isis

Dedications: Oh, to so many! Well, to Emily L for the title, to Han, Nita, Amie and Jen for reading it through and laughing. Oh and Nita, guess what the nurses name is? For Jon, and his swordfighting, for Ben, because... I haven't decided yet but for him anyway, to Daniel, ur not ugly u bastard, and to Kurt for being my neighbour, for Lottie and Mel coz u can't be left out (even tho Mel didn't invite me to her b'day party...), and to Sezz for being so innocent, may you never, ever even understand a story like this. And Jess, for sending me that Japanese fan. To Mrs Richens, because of the maths teacher reference and to Mrs Makepeace, because of "w/retch". OH, and to everyone who's ever read any little bit of my fictions, ever, u all rok my sox.

- - - Hurtful Exclusion - - -

by Orange-Lemons (ie, me)

Part I

- - - - - - - -

It wasn't that he had soft, wavy chocolate bangs that stuck erotically to his temple when he was sweaty. It wasn't that he had clear, crystalline blue eyes, which, when he smiled, closed halfway, giving him the constant look of being mid-orgasm. And it was only mildly because he had the cutest, curviest, most cushion-y butt to ever be squeezed into tight leather hipsters. No, that wasn't the reason Yami gave a little sexually frustrated groan every time the CEO was mentioned.

It was because Seto Kaiba was a slut.

Admittedly, Yami wasn't usually one to go for the easy types. But ever since Battle City, everyone had been getting a little from the dragon-tamer. Malik had been the first. Yami remembered it well; during second period chemistry, "an experiment gone wrong" had seen Seto sprawled over the lab bench, Malik defining new and insightful uses for a Bunsen burner. Until it came into contact with some methylated spirits, and the science department was evacuated.

Then came Otogi, who, during a friendly game of Dungeon Dice Monsters, had strapped Kaiba to the red podium and sucked him off on national television. Then Jounouchi, doggy style of course. Seto had licked chocolate sauce from Anzu's cleveage, and performed an exclusive pole-dance at Mai's 21st. At Domino Museum, several tourists were scared stupid by sounds emerging from a sarcophagus, which seemed to be moving of its own accord. A flustered Isis and naked Kaiba had been pulled from it an hour later, and the Egyptian woman had lost her job.

Then there was the party at Kaiba's last Friday, when a disgruntled Yami had accidentally-on-purpose lost himself on the way to the toilet, finding himself in the master bedroom. Therein, he discovered Kaiba moaning on Ryou's cock, with Bakura taking the CEO from behind. Ryou had waved cheerfully from his position on the headboard, and received the finger from the Pharaoh.

See, the problem was that while Kaiba was quite happy to have kinky motorcycle sex with Honda, he would not go near Yami.

"What's wrong with me?" a depressed Yami moaned aloud. "Am I totally un-fuckable?"

"No," came a voice from behind. Startled, Yami twisted round in his bed, spying his hikari. "I'd fuck you. Just not right now. I don't think I have it left in me - Seto is quite a ride."

Yami groaned into his pillow.

- - - - - - - -

The next morning, Yami took extra care choosing his clothes. He surveyed himself in the mirror. Yes, Kaiba could hardly resist this. Hell, no one could. "If I were me, I'd be taking myself all morning." Yami posed, holding his hair back and making kissy faces at his reflection.

The door swung open. Yugi stared at his counterpart. "Yami, is that a catsuit you're wearing?"

Yami pouted. "A knock would be nice." It was indeed a catsuit - tight, shiny and black, and artfully ripped in places. There were extra zips and buckles and safety pins attached to it haphazardly, giving Yami the look of an oversized, leather pincushion.

"I can see your nipple," Yugi pointed out conversationally. Yami poked said nipple back into the leather suit. "You cannot be thinking of wearing that to school. I bet you can't even sit in it."

"Can too. Let's go."

On the way to school, Yami was aware of several pairs of eyes following his progress down the road. By the time they reached the school, he was feeling incredibly elated. He noted with satisfaction that Kaiba's limo had just dropped the brothers off. Mokuba beckoned to them.

"Hey, Yugi! Hey, Yami! Nice catsuit. Who you try'na pull?"

Yami gave Seto a very significant, sexy look; before turning back to Mokuba. "Oh, no one in particular. It's just very comfortable and perfect for this hot weather." Yugi, Seto and Mokuba snickered. Yami struck a pose, unaffected.

"Well, I have to go. Bye Mokuba; Yugi; Catwoman..." To Yami's horror, Seto bent over and landed a smacker on his little brother's lips, before turning on his heel and marching away. Mokuba watched his brother go.

"Isn't Seto amazing?"

"He is," Yugi nodded fervently. "You're so lucky."

"Wait!" Yami spluttered. "You..!" Mokuba raised an eyebrow. "And him!"

"...Yeah" Mokuba's tone made it clear he didn't see any problem with this, at all.

"But... but... but you're brothers!! That is sick!" Yugi and Mokuba's faces remained blank. Yami threw his hands in the air. "The whole world is fucking insane."

Mokuba glanced awkwardly at Yugi, as Yami stormed away. "I hate to say it, Yugi, but Yami's a bit of a fruitloop."

- - - - - - - -

Yami watched Kaiba from the back seat in maths. Okay, so the catsuit wasn't working. Perhaps he needed to try something slightly more obvious? Well, no matter what, he had to try something - the way Seto was sucking his biro was making him... uncomfortable. It was really quite lucky the suit was so tight - it was cutting off all circulation to his legs and thus other parts of his anatomy, too.

There was nothing worse than an erection in class. People might think you have a hyperbolae fetish or something. "Ooh, yes. Infinite numbers get me hard..."

The girl beside him gave Yami and odd look, and he made a mental note to talk to himself more softly. Deciding on a course of action, he ripped some paper from the middle of his notebook and bent over it, poised to write something witty, sassy, and totally irresistable.

"I want to... fuck you like an animal..." Yami whispered as he scribbled. The girl gave him another funny look. Oops. He screwed the paper up and took aim. If this wasn't obvious enough...

It sailed high through the air - significantly higher, further, and more towards the left than Yami intended. It ricocheted off Anzu's head, and landed on the teacher's desk. Yami swore, watching her read it. Her eyes widened, and she called the class' attention. "Who wrote this note?

Everyone remained silent. Yami hid behind his notebook. "It was Yami Motou, miss." The girl behind her smirked. He could have throttled her. No, he could have banished her sorry, fat arse to the Shadow Realm. In fact, he would. However, there were more pressing matters to deal with at present; the teacher was raking his form with her eyes, and Yami felt the catsuit was definitely a mistake. He blushed.

"Oh, well... I'll see you after class, Mr Motou." She tucked her hair behind her ear, and fluttered her eyelashes.

Yami suddenly felt rather nautious. And for some strange reason, Seto's bic-sucking was no longer having the same effect.

- - - - - - - -

He knocked on the staffroom door, wishing his Maths teacher was a little more attractive. But then, you have to be ugly to be a maths teacher. It's a sort of pre-requisite of the profession. Anywho, Yami stomped in, and looked up. And stopped. And gasped. And shrieked.

"Ooooooh, you're hear, Yami!" she breathed rather, uh, breathlessly. "We're just finishing up." Beside her awful, naked, pink body, lay another naked body - that of Seto Kaiba. Yami made fish-faces at the two for a moment, before bolting out of the classroom. He ran to the bathroom and retched.

"EW. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew..." That was so wrong. That was disgusting, that was foul, that was so unfair! So Kaiba would fuck the teacher, but not Yami? It was an outrage! "What do you have to fucking do to get fucked these days!?" He bent over the sink, splashing water on his face.

There was a tearing sound. Yami coloured, his fingers creeping down his leather catsuit to his arse, discovering, to his horror, a large rip down the seam. Damn cheap cowhide. Actually, not cheap... Yami was so lost in his own pissed-offedness, he didn't notice the bathroom door open.

"So, you're neither a boxers nor a briefs man, Yami?" It was Kaiba, still buttoning his shirt, hair tousled and orgasm-smirk in place. Yami straightened, and tried his hardest not to think about the way Seto's tongue formed the syllables of his name, making him want to hear it louder and more desperately...

"Kaiba..." The catsuit hadn't worked. The note hadn't worked. Seto's arse was calling to him... "Do you wanna, um... fuck?"

"Not particularly, no."

Yami gaped at the rejection. "But... But you've had every other person we know."

"I have."

Yami gave a frustrated moan. "So why won't you let me take you?" he whined.

Seto looked at him as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. "Because I don't like you."

The Pharaoh shook. "Well... FINE THEN!" He stormed off, stomping away from the door and towards the urinals in his anger.

"You might want to try the other way." Yami glared at the CEO, who watched him, eyebrow arched, obviously amused. He heaved at the door, which, upon closer inspection, read 'PULL'. His graceful exit ruined, he cursed the Sex God behind him and left school for the day.

- - - - - - - -

"He's not even that good."

"That's not what you said yesterday..."

"Yami, get over it. There are plenty of people who would happily have you in them. Anzu is desperate for you... She has brown hair and blue eyes. Just pretend it's Kaiba."

"Kaiba doesn't have bosoms, Yugi." Yami was moping in bed, for a change, feeling very unloved. The world's most promiscuous man-whore had rejected him...

"Well, masturbate then."

"It's not the same. I've tried."

Yugi tried and failed to get the mental image of his alter-ego wanking out of his head. Although, it would explain why Yami had been having so many showers. And why, despite the showers, there was always plenty of hot water left.

"So, what are you going to do?"

"Sit in bed and mope." Yami pulled the covers over his head, tufts of red still visible on the pillowcase.

"You could force yourself onto him. Pegasus did that. You know how he told his little servant-man to get Kaiba to do the dishes in Duellist Kingdom? That was bullshit. I don't know if Seto knows that, though..." Yugi added thoughtfully.

"Yugi, you realise I have not fucked in 3000 fucking years! I don't want to rape anybody. I just want a screw."

Yugi sighed. "If it will make you feel better..." He reached for his own beltloops.

"Yugi... you're too short."

He stopped mid strip. "ME? Short! Yami, have you looked in the mirror lately, or can't you see over the sink? How rude! I hope you have to go another 3 millenia then, Yami, you shithead."

Yami heard the door slam, but didn't care. He had made up his mind. Watch out, Kaiba, there was a new slut in town. Yami wasn't going to let his greatest rival win that easily.

- - - - - - - -

It was Friday night. And Friday night could only mean one thing - party at the Kaiba mansion. Almost every Friday, the gang would get together and get wasted, and end up in each other's beds. Of course, there was one totally necessary, completely sexy accessory that Yami could not, would not forgot on a night like this.

Eye Makeup!

He had mascara and eye-liner application down to a fine art. He took great pride in his subtle, smoky, alluring eyes.

A voive came through the door. "Yami, you've got five seconds to get out of there, you bathroom hog. 5... 4... oh fuck it, just get the fuck out!"

Yami opened the door and pouted at the angry Yugi. Yugi hadn't been very chirpy since he had insulted his stature. But even in his foul mood, Yugi couldn't help but notice the effectiveness of Yami's outfit - a skin tight fishnet boob tube, leather pants that sat below his pelvic bones and buckles, buckles everywhere. Strapped to his thigh was an eight-inch Celtic dagger. Yugi blinked.

"Why do you have a lethal weapon strapped to your personage?"

Yami smiled what he could only hope was a seductive, sexy, sassy, secretive smile. He actually came across as a bit of a pratt. "Use your imagination?"

The party was in full swing when the two spikey-haired teens arrived. The stereo was pumping 'All Day Long I Dream About Sex' at maximum volume and the kegs were flowing freely. A few people were smoking joints out on the lawn. Jounouchi greeted them cheerily.

"Wow, Yami, you look... um..." He looked at Yugi, who shook his head. "...Nice." Yami grinned back, an odd light in his heavily made-up eyes. Taking a step forward and bridging the gap between them, he touched whisper-soft fingertips to the blonde's cheek.

"You look nice too, sweetie." He stood on tiptoes and leant in to a slight kiss. Then, without a word, he shimmied away to find more people.

Jounouchi looked at Yugi. Yugi looked at Jounouchi.

"What the fuck was that?"

- - - - - - - -

Half an hour into the party, Yami was effectively raising eyebrows and cocks everywhere. Otogi, Bakura and Malik, having figured out what he was doing, set him different challenges.

"Go do Yuichi now!" urged Otogi. Yami wrinkled his nose, but nodded. He clutched a martini in his hand, and swayed towards the class geek. Yuichi didn't even warrant the name 'computer geek'. He was a computer geek without the computer knowledge. He wore his plain brown pants far too high and had terrible acne. Yami slipped a hand around his waist, lightly brushing his palms over a specific area. He felt a shock run through the poor boy's body. Fun, fun...

Yami turned Yuichi around in his arms and gazed into his face. His eyes, magnified by his specs, widened like a dear caught in headlights. He could hear Bakura cackling. He wasn't that bad, really. A little leather, a little spot cover... Yami felt the hairs on his neck prickle. Someone was watching him.

On the pretence of nibbling Yuichi's ear, Yami spied Seto looking on with interest. Perfect. He slipped his hand down, down, down into the brown pants. Ugh. Briefs. Nimbly lifting their elastic waistband, he found his target and pulled - hard. Yuichi, who had stopped breathing, cried out. Bakura's laughing became hysterical. Yami smiled to himself, and continued to, uh, play with Yuichi. Yuichi, nothing to support himself on, whimpered lamely, on the verge of collapsing.

A dance rhythm started on the stereo. Yami felt a tap on his shoulder and span to discover Seto, eyes narrowed.

"What are you doing?"

Yami opened his mouth to reply, but was cut short by Bakura. "He's dancing with me... or do you have a problem with that?"

"Not at all. Otogi! Get over here!" bellowed the CEO. Otogi bounded over eagerly, as Yami removed Yuichi from his shoulder.

"Ugh... Bakura, what -"

"Shutup, Pharaoh. You want to make Kaiba jealous, right?"

"No, I just had a mad desire to give zitface a wristie," Yami grumbled, but gratefully accepted Bakura's offer. He closed his eyes for a moment, letting the rhythm consume him. He smiled to himself. This, he could do.

I think I saw your body, 'fore I saw your face
The kind of moves you made were wrecking up the place
And then your favourite song came on, the one you love
You came over to me, looked me in the eyes and said "Push Up"...

His body flush against the other Egyptian's, he began to move, hips swinging with the beat, dancing with ease and grace as liquid. He linked his hands behind Bakura's neck, arching backwards, exposing a nice set of pecs to the room. His knee lifted, grazing the area between Bakura's legs. The Tomb Robber had to admit Yami was very flexible and bendy. Interesting... but still, not his type.

You had your hands all over my body tonight
You didn't care about respectability
People staring 'cause you really made a scene
It must have looked like we were doing it for real...

To their right, Otogi was whimpering to the base line. Yami cursed. He would not let Kaiba win this. He was Yami Motou, King of Games, and it was time to start thinking like a duellist.

"Tomb Robber?"

"Mmm?"

"Why were you a tomb robber? In Egypt, I mean."

Bakura looked away shiftily. "Because I like treasures."

"Liar."

"No, really. Sparkly things are a, um... fetish of mine," Bakura nodded eagerly. Yami grinned.

"Bakura?"

"Yeeees?"

"Are you a necrophiliac?" Yami studied the chocolate eyes of his dance partner. He could see the answer lurking there. Perfect. "I'll be right back."

Where I come from, we don't play around
And when its time to party we know how to get it down
And where we're going baby you don't have to worry 'bout a thing
Take my hand, move your body up and down and...

He ran to the dining room, where a long table full of refreshments had been laid out. Locating the punch bowl, he plunged both hands into the cold liquid and squeezed a few ice cubes. After a few seconds, he pulled his fruity-flavoured hands out again, shook them dry and returned to Bakura.

"What are you -"

Yami quitened him, fumbling with Bakura's shirt, exposing warm, tanned Egyptian flesh. Slowly, lightly, he touched a cold, clammy finger to his nipple.

The effect was instantaneous. Bakura melted like a popsicle in a pizza oven.

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnghd. Mmm. Mmmmm. Ugh. Uh... Pharaoh, stop it. Stop it! Uhhh... DON'T STOP!"

Yami beamed. Apparently the Tomb Robber became rather... noisy when aroused. Excellent. He pulled the moaning Bakura onto a nearby coffee table, careful to keep his corpse-like hands roaming the Egyptian's sensitive skin.

Push up, your body, your body next to mine
Push up, I've gotta make that sexy booty mine
Push up, and shake it, baby shake that ass
Push up, I love it when you feel like getting nasty...

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me dead..." Bakura melted, whithering into Yami's arms. Balanced atop the table, Yami performed spectacularly. He made Britney Spears look like an old-time country-bumpkin virgin. He made XXX Porn look like Kindergarten plays about friendship and sharing. He was the devil, moving with the fiery energy of hell, shrouded in the irresistable sexuality of sin.

Until he fell off the fucking table.

- - - - - - - -

"What happened?"

"You hit your head rather hard on a coffee table. A marble one. Oh, and you have a serious wound on your right thigh. Were you attacked?"

Yami frowned at the nurse, memories of the party coming back in flashes. "No..."

"It looks like a stab wound," she pressed. "How could that have happened?"

Yami thought of his dagger. "No idea. How long have I been here?"

"Oh, only one night." The nurse, a pretty, young red-head with exceptionally large breasts (so not his type), laughed. "Your friends brought you a few things from home. And one of them, an exotic looking guy with silver hair? He left you a message."

"What?"

"Just this: Yuichi and Kaiba. Twice."

Yami groaned. "Fuck," he commented, "fucking shitty fuck."

The nurse grinned. "Now, now. Hey, he didn't happen to mean Seto Kaiba, did he?"

Yami, still muttering curses, nodded. "Oh," she breathed, "when his little brother broke his arm, we had a little fun in the X-Ray room. He's so... creative, isn't he?"

Yami hid under his pillow, eye twitching. Fucking Slut.

- - - - - - - -

End of Part I

- - - - - - - -

So, what do you think? The second half is good fun: A fiasco with deodorant, Yami gets a job, and we find out... do they ever get together? You may be surprised...

Anyway, the only way you can read the 2nd part, my good people, is to hit the little purple button and gimme a review! Sorry, thats just the way i operate. First three reviews get mentions in my extra-long dedications! hahahaha.