This is where I'm supposed to say that I don't own the Teen Titans, right?

I don't own the Teen Titans.

... but I do own the Tennessee Titans.

Teen Titans: Children of a Dynamic God

ch. 1

Darkened halls lit themselves. Air conditioners switched on automatically. Towering doors shifted and slid aside.

The Teen Titans, Robin, Starfire, Beast Boy, Raven and Cyborg, collectively shuffled through the door of their home.

"Oh man," Cyborg groaned, "So glad to be home. So very... very glad."

"We would've been here a lot quicker if you'd have let us ride in the car." Beast Boy said. He morphed into a dog and shook himself violently, sending purple droplets spattering onto the walls, and his teammates.

"Hey, watch it!" Robin cried out. "And leave your shoes outside the door, all of you!"

"Plasmus ate my shoes..." Starfire whimpered, wriggling her goo-dripping toes.

"No one rides in the car when they're covered in Plasmus!" Cyborg growled. "Not even me!.. Raven, Starfire, one of you needs to fly me out to pick it up tomorrow."

"Is there some room in the budget for, I don't know... special battle armor?" Raven muttered. "Or at least some raingear... something...?"

"That... might not be a bad idea actually," Robin said as he wrung out his cape, "... of course if the cops could just keep Plasmus from breaking out..."

"If they could do that then when what would they need us for? We would be out of a job." Starfire sighed. "That is 'looking on the bright side', yes?"

"The only bright side is that we buy our shampoo in bulk." Beast Boy said. "Speaking of which, if anyone needs me I'll be in the shower."

"Same here," Raven said as she floated toward the hallway, bits of Plasmus still dripping from her, "but if anyone needs me... I dunno, call Zatanna or something. I'm going to do my best to drown in a tub full of hot bubbles."

"Hey, was anyone expecting a package?" Beast Boy asked.

The Titans looked to the kitchen counter as one. Sitting upon it was a medium-sized cardboard box, covered in tape and postage.

"Not mine, don't care." Raven's voice drifted off as she floated down the hall.

"It looks too small to contain a bunch of demonic puppets so I don't care either at the moment." Robin said. "Any radiation Cyborg?"

"Nope." Cyborg eyed the box. "No return address either."

"Then I really don't care. See you all in the morning."

"Dude... so the mailman lady can just, come into the tower?" Beast Boy asked.

"Yeah man, it's easier that way, trust me."

----------

"If anyone needs me, I shall be in the shower." Starfire's melancholy voice drifted off as she floated down the hall, a trail of smoke wafting behind her.

"That guy was so awesome!" Beast Boy shouted. "He was all like 'Dragonball Z' shooting energy balls from his palms!"

"Yeah," Cyborg said, "it was a shame we had to beat him up."

"Eh, he'll be back," Raven muttered, "after he's 'completed his training' and 'attained a new level of power' and all that other stuff he said... me, shower, now."

"No one's opened that box yet?" Robin asked. "It might be important you know."

"Aw, let's worry about it tomorrow." Cyborg yawned. "I'm beat. Someone wanna check on Starfire and make sure she's still not, you know... aflame?"

"God, how long does it take that chi energy stuff to wear off anyway?" Beast Boy muttered. "She's been on fire for like, twenty minutes now. Should we take her to the hospital?"

"She'll be okay," Raven yawned as she floated out of the room.

The box sat on the counter, casting a long shadow.

----------

"Okay," Raven growled, wringing a purple puddle onto the floor from her cape, "I'm totally writing a letter to the Attorney General if they let Plasmus break out again."

"Thanks for letting us ride in the car Cy."

"Eh, no prob," Cyborg sighed, "can't fight fate can you?.. my poor floormats choke!..."

"Star," Robin blushed a little, chewed his lip, "ummm... your skin's growing back nicely."

"Oh thank you Robin!" Starfire beamed. "It is isn't it? The skin grafts have really helped!"

"Hey, has anyone opened that..."

"Don't even start with that frikkin' box again!" Raven snapped. "I don't care about the damn box! Let it remain forever unopened!"

"Fine, it's not like I care," Cyborg shrugged, "if anyone needs me I'll be in the shower."

----------

"You can't do it. You're gonna fail. You're totally gonna fail."

"Dude, screw you! Stop trying to psyche me out!"

"You're gonna puke dude. You're gonna spew!"

"Okay, what the hell are you two up to now?" Robin asked as he walked into the kitchen. "And why do I have the feeling I should put a stop to it?"

"No!" Cyborg and Beast Boy cried out in unison. The two were sitting on opposite sides of the counter. A glass of frothy green liquid sat between them, radiating quiet menace.

"Cyborg questioned my manhood," Beast Boy grimaced, his eye twitching, "I must prove myself..."

"By drinking that... well, I don't know what the hell it is but it looks questionable."

"Yes!" They both responded.

"It figures," Robin winced and rubbed his temples, "And you two don't think we should stop this?"

Raven and Starfire sat on either side of the boys, watching intently.

"Oh no Robin!" Starfire exclaimed. "One must never interfere with a rite of passage! On my homeworld of Tamaran, when a young man comes of age he must strip naked and walk into the fungal caves of Kreldor, where he will face the three Spooblos of fate! If the spooblo he picks then turns a reddish brown color along it's midsection, he must then quest to..."

Robin sighed and turned to Raven. "And what about you Gothika? Haven't you told me about a thousand times that you were too mature for their stupidity?"

Raven, her chin resting atop her palms, stared at the glass. "I watched Cyborg mix this thing up. I... I can't miss this."

Robin dropped his face in his hand, then turned to Beast Boy. "Dude... you're playing right into his hands, don't you see that?"

"No one questions Beast Man's boyhood... I mean, my manhood."

"And what else do you get out of this, besides food poisoning and more nights crying yourself to sleep?... we can all hear you, you know..."

Beast Boy grinned at Robin. "Loser, I mean, Cyborg... has to open the box of mystery!"

Robin's eyebrow arched. "Okay... I'm in. What odds are you giving, Raven?"

"Five to one Beast Boy vomits himself into unconsciousness. Two to one he cries afterward."

"Dude! I'm not gonna cry!"

"I'll take some of that action." Robin handed Raven ten bucks.

"Bastards..." Beast Boy muttered.

"Okay BB, enough stalling," Cyborg grinned, "It's now or never!"

Beast Boy took a deep breath and picked up the glass. He set his jaw and narrowed his eyes.

"Chug, chug, chug!" The other Titans chanted.

----------

"Oh my god I can't believe he did it!"

"Starfire, give me your boot."

"Okay Raven, but why?"

"I'm going to throw up in it..."

"Dammit! I can't believe he did it! Did anyone actually bet on him?"

"Ooh, I did!" Starfire beamed. "I believed in your manhood Beast Boy! Remember that time I walked in on you while you were changing into your jammies? I saw your manhood then!"

"Thanks Star. Urp!"

"You are welcome Beast Boy! Now... 'pay up bitches'!"

Grumbling, the Titans handed over wads of cash to Starfire, who was giggling with excitement thinking about her next trip to Hello Cutie.

"Well, I think Beast Boy proved that he is indeed a man, or close enough." Cyborg said as he stood. "I gotta go work on the car. Call me when the pizza gets here."

"Wait! Get back here tin man!" Beast Boy sneered. "You're not weaseling out of this!"

Cyborg whimpered. "But I don't wanna!"

"Tough! I drank that godawful thing that I don't even wanna think about what was in it and now you gotta open the box of mystery!"

"He's right Cy," Robin said, "You gotta pay your dues if you wanna sing the blues."

"And you know it don't come easy." Raven said, then blinked and slapped herself. "... If anyone needs me I'll be in the shower."

"Okay," Cyborg sighed, "Bring it over here and I'll do it up right."

"Oh my god," Robin sneered as he picked the box up off of the coffee table. "Whose toenails are these sticking to this thing?"

"They wouldn't have stuck if Cyborg hadn't spilled his cereal all over it!"

"Well, maybe I wouldn't have spilled my cereal all over if it if you hadn't been using it as a footrest for the last month!"

"Just open the stupid thing." Robin sighed, handing the box over to Cyborg.

Starfire sniffed as Cyborg pulled at one of the corners. "I shall miss our box of mystery... The way it used to sit there on the table, being mysterious... its eight corners and six sides..."

"Yeah," Robin rolled his eyes, "It's become a real part of the team... Open the damn thing Cy so we can get on with our lives."

"Okay, okay..." Cyborg sighed, "...drum roll Beast Boy?"

"Dude, that shake just hit home..." Beast Boy said, his voice weak and distant, "... I'm gonna sit here... and I'm gonna chill... just chill... oh god!"

"Hey," Cyborg said, "if he hacks then I don't have to..."

"OPEN THE GODDAMN BOX!"

"Jeez! Okay!..." Cyborg snorted and ripped the top off of the box. Robin and Starfire, unable to see the contents, watched Cyborg's eyes go wide and his jaw drop.

"Well, don't keep us waiting Cy!"

"Yes! I cannot stand one more moment of suspense! End the mystery friend Cyborg!"

"Has he opened it yet? Can I please throw up now?"

Cyborg's head slowly rose up from the box, looking back and forth slowly from Robin to Starfire, little inarticulate noises escaping from his throat. Almost as if it were slow motion the box tumbled from his knees, hit the floor and spilled its contents.

Starfire screamed. Robin scrambled away and fell back over the couch. Beast Boy squealed and fainted, hit the floor and spewed green vomit like a fountain.

There on the floor, lying amidst styrofoam packing peanuts and tissue paper was the severed head of a teenage girl.

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Hey all. This is my first fic ever so I'd appreciate some reviews. Hope you like it. Next chapter turns this one right on its head (pun intended? I dunno.), coming soon hopefully. -Rex