Summary: It's amazing how things can change. But extraordinary at how things don't.
What do you do when your doctor tells you you have 5 months to live. Do you change the way you live? Do you change the way you walk, treat people differently, make amends. Or live life normally, fool the people around for the sake of your own sanity. Why do people feel the need to suddenly see the world, travel around, live like you actually have a purpose. If you had lived normally, you probably wouldn't have seen much anyway. No need to make yourself feel special.
I don't think I'll do that, if anything it would just make me want to live for more. I don't want a taste of the world, only to have it ripped from my fingers, people make a big mistake with that, torturing themselves. If anything it kills them faster, it would kill me faster.
5 months is a long time to wait, apparently my "case" shouldn't be too painful. Only the last few weeks, that's when it's supposed to develop the most. But they have painkillers and hospitals for that sort of thing.
I think some people would get angry, at how calm I'm being about this. How I suddenly live like life isn't a big deal. It is, and I know that. But when you no longer have a life to live, it sort of defeats the purpose of pretending to live. Like I said, I don't want to get too caught up in this, I don't want to regret anything. I don't want to live. Well, wait, that's not true. I would like to live, but I don't want to spend my time enjoying myself, I don't want to get too attached to this life. My life.
I'm not too disappointed, I believe in reincarnation. When your soul moves on to another living system. I just sort of feel bad for the "living system" that has my soul. Pity. Seems a waste, now that I'm dying I can see why so many people hated me, we don't need more of people like me in the world.
I don't want to be one of those dying people who write novels on how the world suddenly changes before their eyes and they see things differently. I won't lie to myself, I do see things differently, things become much clearer. But we all die at some point in our lives, I'll wait for other people to see it for themselves. Not by someone like me telling them what your life will be like before you die. I don't want to tell people how to live, because I'm not living. I'm dying. It would be wrong information. I don't want to be responsible for screwing people up, I'm responsible for my screwed up self. I think that's enough for me, I don't need another dying person on my hands.
Although it would make sense. Dying people being responsible for other dying people. It makes for better conversation.
Screwed up dying person #1: "Hey there Susan! How many more months!"
Screwed up dying person #2: insert giggly squeal "Only 2 more months! I'm so excited."
Screwed up dying person #1: Hugging ever-so delicately "Congratulations! I hope they're not 'too' painful"
Screwed up dying person #2: "Aren't you just the sweetest! Good luck on your own 4 months! Toodles!"
Oh yeah, it sounds reasonable to me.
There are probably going to be times when I find I want someone to talk to about this, someone I can relate to. Someone who understands. But I don't see the point in it all. Talking to someone else who 'was' dying or is dying. What would it do? Prepare me for death? For once, I think I'll go into this inexperienced. I don't want to take a class on how to die. What would it say?
Scene changes to a classroom. Pale, old, woman sits at her desk in the front of class.
Old Woman: "Today class, we are going to learn that if you feel the need to pass out from your insert hand quotes "disease" (Teachers like these are very sympathetic and understanding) then you learn to do it gracefully and dramatically."
Sickly young boy sitting in front row raises his hand
Sickly Young Boy: "What for?"
Old Woman: Laughs maturely "Why for the entertainment of others, silly boy. People will need stories to tell their families if they see it out on the street."
Sickly young boy smiles in understanding and nods his head enthusiastically
End Scene
I don't think so.
Now comes the hard part. Do I? A) Tell all my friends and family that I only have 5 months to live and they walk on eggshells every time I'm around. Or B) Keep this my little secret and go for the overused dramatic death that shocks people to death while they talk to their friends and say things like "She was so young" and "She looked so healthy, what a travesty."
I think I'll go with option B. This way, if I die, people will say nice things about me. Whereas if I go with option A, people will feel as though they should tell me what they really think of me before I kick the bucket. I really don't think I want to hear "I didn't really like you that much" when I'm 3 months from death and they talk like I'm already dead.
I'm sure people will be upset, I'm not totally friendless. I have the "real" friends. Most people do. And I'm sure they'll be angry and sad and upset at the fact I didn't tell them and they wished they could have spent more time with before I left.
Which is bullshit.
The way it works is that they would not want to spend more time with me. They would try and spend more time away. They would visit me, then make up an excuse to leave because they wouldn't know how to talk normally around someone who is dying. And when I would be around groups of people they wouldn't be themselves and joke around. They would be afraid they would say the "wrong" thing and I would get emotional and cry and they would be left in the awkward moment where the 'dying' 'friend' is having a mental breakdown due to her illness.
But with me it wouldn't be like that. I don't think I'll be having those emotional moments. The dying person does not shut down and cry because that's what the people affected get to do. If the dying person can't stay strong, then you can count on the fact that the people around you won't be. I can't count on friends to be strong for me. It's a crapshoot. You cannot guarantee that a friend will be strong, that they can talk to you about you dying and not burst out into tears. It's the safest way to not tell them.
I think the last thing I want for what's left in my time is to have no arguments, or as little as possible. I don't want friends crying for days at a time because the last thing they said was "Fuck you bitch!" or "Well I never liked you anyway!"
That's a hard thing to handle.
The last words always seem the most important to people, like the very last words you say to them will define if you go to heaven or hell.
That's a load of crap. It's all about the past memories, I don't think I would care less if the last words someone said to me was "Yeah, the dog crapped on your expensive carpet so I sold your house cuz I don't care about you." If that person had been good to me my whole life before, I would just blame the words on drugs or hysterics because a friend is dying.
Words can be unbelievable, actions are justifiable.
You can't believe someone is your best friend when just almost got run over by a truck and they said "Oh man! I tried to save you but my foot got caught." But if you were in the middle of a road with a huge truck roaring and honking its horn at you while going 90 miles an hour and your best friend pushed you out of the way. I think that might signal something worth appreciating.
I think I want my time to be as uneventful as humanly possible. I don't need things happening to me that would make me want to stay here. I don't want to not die, more than I'm already against it. Although I don't know what it would change.
I suppose, that if things happened that made me want to stay, it would make the dying process a hell of a lot harder than it already has to be.
I just don't want to suffer, more of a loss than I have to. People will cry at my funeral because of a loss of a friend.
I'm losing my life.
End Chapter
A/N: Alright, chapter 1 is up. Who do you think this person is: ) I like this story. It's very 'angsty', which is my favourite topic. Lots of goodness to come so please R and R.
Also, I'm thinking that this story will replace my other story "The Steps". So I want to know from you (the readers) whether you want Story #1 (The Months) or Story #2 (The Steps). AND if you want a Romance #1 (Jackie and Eric) or Romance #2 (Jackie and Hyde) Please tell me so I can make a good story : )!