Have you ever felt so lost, so alone, that it seems the only way out is to take your own life? To just go in the bathroom, lock the door, slit your own throat, plunge the knife in as deep as you can and rip... To just go take a walk outside with no intent on returning the house you're expected to call a home... Laid in your bed, reached over, taken the pills from your drawer, poured out a handful, downed them and laid there, closing your eyes, awaiting the peaceful bliss of death? How about decided today is the day, you get the ropes from the garage, tie a noose like you've practiced, hang it from a ceiling support, step onto the chair and let gravity do it's thing... Or, if you're a family with a gun, decided the gun is the way, dig out of wherever it's hidden, loaded it, turned off the safety if it has one, sat in your bed or your parents, or gone out to the front of the house, put the gun in your mouth or to your skull and pulled the trigger, a splattering of brains and blood the end.
Have you reached out to those who call themselves your friends? They try, and try to help you, but you're beyond hope. You tell them all goodbye, write a note, leave it to be found. Maybe there's a friend who will know you're serious, who will get the text in the night, too late, help arrives. You're already gone, or it arrives just in time, and you're just a mess, a pitiful existance is all that's left for you.
Counseling if you survived because that one friend...
Still, you regret nothing, you wanted death and yet again, it was denied to you. You cry every night, wishing the Fates would not be so cruel as to deny you your greatest wish.
Sometimes those that wish to save us, can't see that we don't want to be saved, we can't take this life anymore. Death would be better, but they want us to fight.
Are you the one whose reason always wins out? You want to, you long to, you hurt yourself intentionally, you go about doing things you know will kill you sooner or later. Yet still, you force yourself to live. You talk, you write, you listen to music, you leave the house for hours to be by yourself.
Soon, nothing helps. Nothing can stop the pain. You want it to all end, crying every night, depression making everything nearly impossible. A future unknowable. Uncertainty means a slow death. Unbearable to not know, so lost and tired.
The past haunts, things you should have said, should have done. It never ends. You blame yourself. Things could have been so much better if only you had the courage to do as you knew you needed to.
My name is Hinata Hyuga. I have been where you are. I still am. I cut occasionally, mostly, I hit myself or walls, enough to bruise and nearly break my own hand. I also drink energy drinks, much more than is healthy, instead of water, it's a monster. It doesn't matter the time of day, if I have one, I'll drink it. I sleep either very little, or excessively.
Hiashi knows of my sleeping habits, nothing more. He is sending me to college. He's allowing me to choose my major. Some freedom, I suppose. I already found a job near the university, a simple job as a coffe maker in a coffe shop. Early morning, with classes in the afternoon. Perhaps I will see a reason to continue to live... I doubt it, but I will continue as I always have, pretending.
The university is large, it offers every major imaginable. I have to share a room with somone, I'll find out tomorrow, when I arrive. For now, I finish packing my things, clothes in a back, a box of necessary electronics and notebooks, a small box.
In the morning, I leave, I put this place behind me, for now.
Morning has come, I slept maybe three hours. I shower and dress in black basketball shorts and a dark purple boy's tank top. With a pair of black DC shoes on my feet, I place my wallet, phone, iPod, and car keys in my pocket. I sling the backpack on and pick up the box, heading out to my gray chevy. I place the box and backpack in the passenger seat before sliding in the drivers side.
Arriving at the university, I carry my things with me to admissions, where I am handed my schedule, a map, and my dorm key.
The room is simple, a bed on each side of the room, a dresser, a nightstand by each bed, a closet, attached bathroom, and a window between the nightstands. My roommate has not arrived yet, so I take the bed closer to the bathroom, fitting my purple sheets to the bed and unpacking my clothes. I place the notebooks in the bag and glance at the map.
With nothing better to do, I decide to find all my classes, the library, and the fitness area.
As I do not have an ID yet, I cannot check out any books, but the fitness area is open for any and all. With my headphones in my ears, I workout for an hour, warming up on the bike, then moving to various weight machines. When I finish, I return the the room, finding my sleep clothes and taking a shower. When I emerge, my hair a sodden mess, plaid flannel grey and black pants on with a large Rise Against shirt on, I find my roommate has finally arrived. It's a female with long reddish hair and a hat. She sags her jeans slightly, and is wearing a male muscle tank top, a black bandana tied on her head.
She swivels with my aproach. She takes me in, admiring me, I can feel her eyes linger, I see the smirk on her face.
"Hinata Hyuga," I offer as I pass her by to lay on my bed.
"Tayuya," the red head grins down at me.
I say nothing more, rolling over, my back to her. College life has just begun.
One day, perhaps I will break... Until then, let life carry on.