To Stop Wondering
Now for the hard part kid. It's clear that you and Castle have something real and you're fighting it. But trust me, putting the job ahead of your heart is a mistake. Risking our hearts is why we're alive. The last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder 'if only'.
Her eyes wander to his sleeping form in the plane seat right next to her own. His head tilt to the side, away from her, leaning on his shoulder. His chest falls and rises in a steady motion, his slack face peaceful as she watches him. He fell asleep only an hour after their plane back home took off. That was almost an hour ago. Three more until they'd land in New York.
And she can't take her eyes off him. The ache in her chest is growing steadily, the burn flaming up, reaches her throat, makes it hard to breathe. Ever since that night two days ago when she almost gave in, let her heart decide for once. Two nights ago, when he looked at her like she was the destination to a long journey, the answer to an important question. As if she was so much more than who she really is.
Royce's words flicker in the back of her mind, print themselves into her brain and her blood. Her gaze falls to the letter still clutched between her fingers and she carefully folds the sheet back together, closes her hands around the words written on wrinkled paper. He saw something between her and Castle that she had felt for a while. A yearning that she's been trying to put in the back of her mind for too long to count the time that passed in between.
A longing that's been scratching on her surface since he grabbed her face two months ago and let the tenderness of his lips, the softness of his touch consume every of her senses. It lets her stay restless and burning at nights with nothing but the memory of his breath on her. But the scratch is starting to burst, rip open the scarred muscle that is her heart.
The lies she keeps telling herself are on their way to bubble over. And she is so tired – tired of acting that she doesn't want him, that she doesn't feel the way he wants her too. That's why she broke if off with Josh weeks ago, after he canceled Haiti for her, came back to dive in and she just couldn't. Not with him. She had almost confessed her feelings to Castle back in the freezer and the words suffocate her tongue ever since.
The skin of his arm warms her palm when she touches him, gently shakes him, whispers his name. "Castle."
She doesn't give herself time to contemplate what she is doing, what the consequences are going to be – if she is going to do anything at all or if she'll be running again, hide away in that rabbit hole that has been her home for far too long.
The change is visible when he goes from unconscious to not quiet awake. The muscles in his arm twitching under her touch and she retrieves her hand, cradles her fingers to her chest. His eyes blink open a few times, startled, lashes fluttering in confusion. His head lulls to the side and when he looks at her the breath she has been taking is stuck in her lungs – never has she seen him waking up before. His eyes the color of a cloudless summer day on the beach. She wants more.
"Kate," he murmurs, not yet fully aware of his surroundings. "Everything okay?" Concern washes over his face.
She stops thinking, decides to let her mind rest as she leans in. She sees the stunned look on him for a split second before she closes her eyes and her hands are on his face, her lips on his.
He hesitates only for a heartbeat before he kisses her back. His lips are soft like the milk froth on her morning lattes. His fingers migrate to her cheeks when his thumb caresses the sharp edge of her cheekbones, the other hand cradling her jaw in his strong digits. His heart is beating underneath her palm when she lays it upon his chest and he tastes sweet and savory, like the coffee they had before boarding and like him – that unique distinctive something she only got to have before once. His tongue seeks out the soft flesh of her lips and she opens up to him.
Her forehead touches his when they break apart. His lushes tickle her skin and she is sure he can hear the pounding of her heart. When she opens her eyes his are already on her - astonishment shines behind his pupils.
"Kate," he exhales.
The smile stretches across her face without asking for permission, spreads warm in her stomach. He looks – speechless. She made Richard Castle speechless and she can't help but to lean into him again, brush her lips across his in a short peck, over before either of them can even realize was she's doing.
"Kate," he breathes again. "Your- Josh."
She stops him with a thumb to his lips, tilts her head back, only to be able to look at him more clearly. "Shh- no, Castle. It's been over for a while, I haven't even talked to him in over a month," she explains and there is askance in his gaze.
"But-," he tries again, his lips move underneath her thumb, his breath tickles her skin.
"After we got stuck in that freezer I just couldn't go back to how if was before. I guess I always knew that we weren't right. I meant it when I told you I wanted someone to dive in with together, to be there for each other. I just thought when I worked hard enough, it could be him."
"But tackling life with someone shouldn't make you have to work to even want to be with that person," he interrupts and she nods, brushes her fingertips over the knuckles of his hand laying on the arm rest between them.
"I know that now," an almost smirk plays around the corners of her mouth.
"And this," he starts, the tips of his fingers dancing over hers, intertwining their fingers between their bodies. "What does that mean? Because I know you're grieving, but Kate-"
She shakes her head to hinder him from talking any further, to stop even that thought from evolving in his mind. "Have you even been listening to me?" she implies, a breath escaping her lungs when she whispers the next words, only for him to hear. "It's only you. I just want you."
The muscles in his jaw are working, his stare on her and she can't breathe. She never- she knew how she felt for a long time now but never did she imagine to just tell him, to speak those words in his face somewhere over the clouds on a plane ride between LA and New York. Not so soon, probably not ever. She tried so hard to not have those feelings for him.
He must see the answer he's been searching for in her because he pushes the arm rest that separates them from getting closer between their seats up and out of their way, pulls her into him without as much as a word.
He kisses her this time. Hard and hot as his tongue strokes her mouth, his hands on her face. Her arms close around his back trying to get as close as possible. Her chest is pressed and heaving against his as the moan escapes from the back of her throat and he swallows it. One of his hands runs down her side, heat flares up inside of her when he captures her waist, fingers blazing on her. She doesn't think about where they are or who is watching until his thumb strokes the skin of her stomach where her shirt slipped up an inch.
"Castle," she chuckles on another moan and he groans when she pushes away to get space between their beating hearts and ragged breaths. Her forehead falls to his shoulder for a moment, his fingers cradling the back of her head. "We're making a show."
He looks around the stacked plane. The other passengers are either watching or trying very hard to look like they have not been watching the show they just provided. The warmth creeps up her neck and settles pink in her cheeks. The same place he dips his head to, lets his lips linger for a second, heart throbbing and butterflies arising in her stomach.
"But, wow," he laughs. "We're really good at that. Not that I didn't already know but, wow."
"Yeah, we are," she admits. She gnaws on her lower lip, ponders her next thought, wonders if it's too early, if they shouldn't move as fast but they've been waiting for three years and- "Come home with me later."
Astonishment crosses his face and he looks at her, the piercing blue of his eyes questioning her in silence, presumably searching for a hint of uncertainty within her face – because that is how he is, putting his own desire behind her heart. But she can't remember the last time she's been that sure about anything in her life and he seems to see that on her, the smile stretching across face wide and free. She mimics him.
"Okay."
"Okay."
He tugs gently on her arm when she can't hold back the yawn from escaping her lungs, draws her into him in their spacious seats. She lets him run circles on the skin of her arm when she winds the other around his middle the stretch of his smile palpable when he smears a kiss to her chin.
"Sleep a little," he murmurs into he hear ear, goose bumps arising on her skin. "We still have a few hours and you're whacked."
Her forehead connects with his chin when she pushes herself closer into his embrace, his hand a strong support on her shoulder. She barely slept since that case started and despite the arousal still boiling in her stomach the exhaustion lingering insider of her wins – she closes her eyes, lets his smell and his touch penetrate her senses, lull her into a dreamless rest.
She is still hurt, her chest still battered with razor blades – the bruised, beating muscle tender, easy to be broken. She is grieving for a man she used to think she once loved. The betrayal not yet vanished and no chance to ever truly get over. Another person on the list of people she lost.
But his lips touch the crown of her head before she falls asleep and there is optimism spreading through her body – that kind of hope she never thought she'd allow herself to feel again. Not since everything crashed and crumbled at her feet along with herself. Not since her life became more of a war than the prospect of a future that included anything more than holes to crawl into and battles to lose. Not since she stopped herself to believe in the possibility of diving into and not diving apart.
End