Servant Zero
Disclaimer: I do not own either Familiar of Zero or Fate/Stay Night.
Extended Summary: Only a Tohsaka could screw up this much. Not only did Rin not get Saber, but instead she got an amnesiac Caster who can't actually remember how to cast anything except for explosions. On the bright side, they're really big explosions. Also, Louise, whose post-summoning ceremony memory seems to be missing, is not exactly thrilled that instead of summoning a familiar, she seems to have become one herself. Also features the amnesiac, talking noble phantasm Derflinger.
Clarification: As it seems to be causing some confusion, I'm going to make a note here about religion in Familiar of Zero. In Familiar of Zero, most characters, including Louise, follow the Brimiric Church. However, there is a heretical sect called the Protestants who also worship Brimir, but who reject other fundamental tenets of the Brimiric Faith. These Protestants have nothing to do with Protestant Christians (except, of course, that their relations with the original Brimiric Church are modeled off early Protestant/Catholic relations). In the anime, the only reference I am aware of to Brimiric Protestantism has to do with Agnes and Colbert, as Colbert was told to burn down Agnes' village in order to halt the spread of a plague (which was a lie) when, in fact, the reason it was actually burned down was for harboring Protestants. It appears more often in the novels the anime is based upon and in the Tabitha side stories.
The Servant Who Would Not Serve
Smoke, dust and a splitting headache: at first glance, that seemed to be all that had come of Louise de la Valliere's summoning spell. She also probably should have had a back ache, as she had landed on something rather sharp when the explosion her spell had caused sent Louise flying, but, for whatever reason, the impact did not seem to have done much harm.
Squinting through the dust stinging her eyes, Louise slowly began to take stock of her surroundings. Her spell had exploded – which should not have happened – but the situation was still salvageable so long as she had summoned something – anything really. She would even accept a mouse like Headmaster Osmond's familiar Motsognir. If she could at least do that much, then she would at least avoid being expelled from the academy. Louise did not even want to think about how her mother would react to her expulsion.
The young student caught sight of a large silhouette through the dust blocking her vision, and felt her hopes rise, before she realized that she was actually looking at a rather ornate chair, rather than a familiar. A second silhouette proved to be a chair as well, this one knocked over onto its side. The next object she managed to make out was a bookshelf, which had been torn in two by the blast. Louise frowned.
She had been in the Vestri Courtyard, within the walls of Tristain's Academy of Magic. However, as the dust began to clear, it was obvious that she was now somewhere else entirely.
Her classmates were gone. Professor Colbert was nowhere to be seen. Instead, having managed to climb to her feet, Louise found herself standing in the middle of what had likely been a rather opulent living room before an explosion tore it to pieces, scattering what little furniture remained intact all over the place, and gouging a six foot wide hole out of the ceiling. Finally, her familiar was nowhere to be seen.
Before Louise could even begin trying to understand just what had happened to her, she heard someone struggling with the living room's door knob from the other side of the door.
"Argh! The door's broken," a woman's voice declared, as the struggling momentarily ceased.
"Damn it all!"
Then, with a loud bang, the woman Louise had heard came flying through the door with a stumble, looking to have rammed into it shoulder first in order to knock the door down.
Her features were sharp and foreign, yet still attractive, and were crowned by a head of long, silky, ebony hair. The young woman's clothes could almost have passed for an academy uniform, if not for her bright red sweater. Even though she was missing her mantle, Louise's first impression of the girl was that she had the look of a noble, although possibly one from a distant land. At the very least, the young woman would probably be able to tell Louise where this manor was located, and, with any luck, she might even be able to help Louise return to the Academy.
At least, that was what she had hoped before the girl froze at the sight of her, and then started talking to herself, ignoring Louise entirely. Spouting off a bunch of nonsense about her father and some sort of task, the girl squatted on the ground with her back to Louise, clutching her own head in seeming vexation. It was just Louise's luck that the first person she ran into after whatever had just happened would be some kind of raving madwoman.
After spending far too long talking to herself, the madwoman's head turned towards Louise again with a clearly dissatisfied expression.
"Well? What are you supposed to be?"
Louise glared right back at the strange, young woman. What sort of greeting was that? Had this girl been raised in a barn? Maybe she was not truly a noble after all.
"I am Louise Francoise le Blanc de la Valliere, third daughter of the Duke de la Valliere," Louise declared imperiously, puffing out her chest. "And who are you that you would talk to a noblewoman so rudely?"
"Noblewoman? Huh?" the woman replied. "Oh, I guess you must have been a noble when you were alive then."
She finally turned her body all the way around to face Louise and stood up.
"Still, that's a pretty cocky way for a servant to talk to her master. And you are my servant, aren't you?"
"What?" Louise screeched. "How dare you? If anyone should be a servant, it's you! After all, how do I even know you're a noble? For all I know, you might even be my familiar."
"Huh?" the crazy girl responded, crossing her arms over her chest. "Are you defective, or something?"
The girl narrowed her eyes at Louise and concentrated for a moment.
"Well, whatever you say, I can still tell you're my servant through our connection to the Grail. Caster class, unfortunately, but at least your magical power is pretty high. As for your skills, hmm... no Magecraft or High Speed Divine Words? That's really strange for a Caster, but Bravery and High Speed Incantation are good, and Void Magic? Can she only use one element, then?"
Louise was approaching her limit. This obviously fake noble seemed to say nothing but completely ridiculous nonsense, and was now pretending that she didn't even know about the Void and the Holy Founder. Did she have no shame at all?
"Shut up!" Louise demanded, pointing her wand at the madwoman. "I don't know what you're talking about, but I won't forgive anyone who calls me a servant!"
"You really are defective, aren't you? Ugh! What did I do to deserve a servant like this?"
"Fireball!"
A second explosion rocked the room, as the lunatic who had been ranting at her was thrown back against the wall of the living room. That, Louise admitted to herself, had probably been an overreaction, but it had felt so good. Then something that did not feel quite so good happened.
"Anfang... Vertrag... Ein neuer Nagel... Ein neues Gesetz... Ein neues Gesetz... Ein neues Verbrechen! You stupid, defective servant, don't you threaten or attack me ever again!"
From where the madwoman had landed, a pulse of bright red energy shot towards Louise, staggering the young mage, as the pulse washed over her. Then, against her will, the hand holding Louise's wand began to shake before its fingers fell open, sending her wand clattering to the floor. Quickly, Louise moved to pick her wand up again, knowing that she was helpless without it, but, no matter how she strained to reach it, Louise's hand refused to move.
Despite the fact that she was still covered in dust and soot, the madwoman's expression was a trifle smug, as she watched Louise do battle with herself before her eyes.
"I don't like having to waste one for something like this, but even you should understand now. That was a command spell: an absolute order, which, as my servant, you must obey. Are you still going to try denying it? You won't be able to pick up your wand again as long as you're planning to threaten me with it, and, as a Caster, I would guess that you probably need it."
Louise's expression was at turns aghast and furious, as her gaze moved from her wand to the face of the woman who had just somehow bound her with some kind of weird spell. This was some kind of mind control magic, wasn't it? That meant that this woman was not just a lunatic: no, she was something far worse.
"You- You- You're some kind of Protestant, aren't you?"
"What?" the girl replied, a baffled expression on her face. "What does that have to do with anything? And, for your information, I'm actually a Catholic."
"A Catholic? What sort of nonsense is that? Don't think you can fool me! Did you really think you would be able to get away with this kind of base heresy? Surrender now, or I'll..." Louise trailed off. "I'll..." she tried again with no more success. "I..."
Her face contorting into a befuddled expression, Louise tried slowly opening and then closing her mouth with great success. Then she tried to threaten the dangerous, Protestant heretic again, and, once more, her voice refused to make a sound.
"I... I..."
Then, from behind Louise's back, a third voice spoke up.
"You know, girl. You're never going to be able to say a word through that magical compulsion unless you stop trying to make threats."
Her eyes widening in both surprise at the voice and sudden comprehension, Louise turned to face the new voice, only to find herself rather perplexed. There was no one there. The voice spoke up from right behind her again.
"No, no. Not that way. I'm over here."
Turning in place again, Louise found that whoever was speaking to her had vanished once more. She growled.
"Stop doing that!"
"Hey. It's not my fault. I haven't moved at all."
Out of the corner of her eye, Louise caught sight of the dangerous heretic facepalming.
"Please don't tell me that that rusted, hunk of junk is supposed to be some kind of noble phantasm," the Protestant moaned. "It looks like a stiff breeze might snap it in half."
While Louise was generally inclined to favour Protestants moaning on general principle, it once again bothered her that the heretical lunatic seemed to be making no sense. For a lunatic, to say nothing of a heretical lunatic, making no sense was probably the norm, but that did not make it any less annoying.
"Hey," the mysterious voice spoke up from behind her yet again. "Watch who you're calling a rusted, hunk of junk, you skanky harpy! I'm the Great Derflinger: a sword so legendary that even the legends consider me a legend."
Louise was not quite sure what that meant, but had at least gotten one useful piece of information out of Derflinger's admonishment.
"Wait! You're a sword? And I keep hearing you from practically right behind me. Of course!"
While she was not quite sure how it had gotten there, a sword had somehow been strapped to her back inside a fine, leather sheath. Withdrawing Deflinger from his sheath, Louise held up the admittedly rather rusty brown sword with both of her hands, peering at it in poorly concealed shock.
"You can talk!"
Deflinger turned in her hands to face the dangerous heretic, smugly declaring, "You hear that: that tone of surprise and wonder at the beauty and majesty of a legendary blade. I'll admit the girl's a little slow, but at least she understands how one should speak about the Great Derflinger!"
"Slow! I'm not slow! Stupid sword."
Louise began banging the sword against the ground.
"Take that back, you insolent pile of scrap metal!"
"Hah! As if the Great Derflinger could be harmed by something like repeatedly bashing me against the floor. You'll have to try harder than that, girl!"
"Fine then," Louise declared, finally managing to successfully pick up her wand. "Don't think you can mock me, you stupid sword."
Chanting the aria for a full power fireball spell under her breath, Louise pointed her wand at the steel blade which had dared to mock her, and then yelled, "Fireball!"
Nothing happened.
"Fireball!"
Nada.
"Fireball!"
Zilch.
"Argh! Work, you stupid spell! Fireball!"
Still nothing.
Panting hard, Louise glared at the sword, then her wand, and then back at the sword again. There had not even been an explosion. What was-
Then, without warning, a hand grabbed onto her own wand hand, and wrenched it away from Derflinger, while a second hand spun her around so that she was facing that insolent Protestant again.
"That's enough!" the heretic demanded. "I will not have my servant fighting with her own noble phantasm, especially if it looks like she's losing."
"I already told you that I'm not your servant!" Louise yelled right back. "In fact, in fact..." Louise raised her wand, somehow knowing deep in her bones what she needed to say.
"Mark of the Gandlafr!"
Then, as distasteful as it was, Louise leaned forwards and chastely kissed the raven-haired Protestant on the lips.
Fortunately, after a brief moment of shock, her eyes wide as dinner-plates, the heretic darted away from Louise, her fingers tracing her lips, as if to confirm the reality of what had just happened.
"What? What? Why?"
"You know," Derflinger spoke up from where he lay on the ground to Louise's left, "if this is some sort of kinky foreplay, then, unless you're going to be cutting one another, I'd appreciate it if you took it somewhere else. I'm not really into that sort of thing, unless there's at least a little knifeplay involved."
Then, mirroring one another, both girls abruptly turned red, and pointed their index fingers at Derflinger, saying, "Shut up, you perverted sword! It's not like that at all!"
Then, disturbing that odd tableau, the black-haired girl who had the audacity to declare herself Louise's master clutched her left hand as if it was burning and screamed. Before Louise's eyes, strange runes seemed to etch themselves upon the heretic's left hand, like liquid fire seeping into her skin, as she howled. For a moment, at the agonized expression on the woman's face, Louise almost felt guilty. Then she remembered that this woman was apparently her familiar, which made this a holy ritual of the Founder Brimir. Clearly, she could not have done wrong in carrying out the Founder's own will.
"That... That... How?" the heretic managed to say, gritting her teeth through the pain. Finally, as the pain seemed to ebb, she continued furiously.
"How does that not qualify as an attack?"
Louise sniffed contemptuously.
"Hmph. You should be grateful that I'm allowing an impudent heretic like you to be my familiar."
"Familiar? What?"
Again, the Protestant peered in her direction with a strange look upon her face, her eyes unfocused, as if she was looking through Louise to see something else. Then, after a moment's silence, she spoke up again, utterly aghast.
"This... This is one of your noble phantasms? Impossible to remove by mortal thaumaturgy? Forces the Gandlafr to defend Caster with her life? This... This..."
Louise frowned.
"Alright, familiar, I've been lenient so far, but enough is enough. The Gandalfr was the holy familiar of the Founder Brimir. I won't accept blasphemy from a familiar of the Valliere family."
"You... You..."
The Protestant was clutching some kind of jewel in her hand, but couldn't seem to bring herself to throw it at Louise.
"How dare you do something like this to me?"
Then her heretical familiar closed her eyes and took a deep breath. A second deep breath followed the first, and then she took one last deep breath.
When her eyes opened again, Louise's familiar was smiling at her sweetly, but something about that smile seemed subtly wrong. Somehow, even though the smile looked perfectly innocent at first glance, Louise could not help but feel that it exuded a palpable aura of menace, as if, behind that smile, there lay a terrible beast which would tear her to shreds if she said even one word wrong.
"Ah, Louise, wasn't it?"
The tone was the same. It was exactly the same as her smile.
Louise felt sweat beading on her forehead, but she would not give in. Mother never gave in to anything, so neither would she.
"And I'm Tohsaka Rin, of course. Pleased to meet you."
The pressure of that smile and tone was overwhelming, but she wouldn't give in.
"Plea-"
"Ah, ah. No talking now, Caster," the demon in human form continued, speaking over her. "I'm the type who believes that the relationship between servant and master should be clear from the start, so let me explain how our relationship will work. I am going to sleep now, and you will stay down here quietly, cleaning up this mess."
Rin gestured towards the living room, which Louise's arrival had essentially destroyed. Then her eyes opened wide, and it seemed to Louise as if she stared into the very depths of Hell.
"And if you say even one more word that pisses me off tonight, then I will use my second command spell to have you streak through the streets singing Christmas carols, wearing nothing but a Santa hat, until dawn."
Louise barely heard her, so focused was she on overcoming the overwhelming pressure of Rin's presence. She would not give in. She would definitely not allow her familiar to treat her like this.
Pointing her index finger in Rin's face, the pink-haired mage declared, "I don't care what you say! You're just my familiar!"
Rin's right eye twitched. Then she raised her hand, which was already glowing red, and did exactly as she had promised.