AUTHOR: stari
EMAIL: stari_eyez2002@hotmail.com
SPOILERS: None
RATING: PG
CATEGORY: Drama
FEEDBACK: Yes! Please consult with my friend the purple button or just email me.
PAIRINGS: None
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything it all belongs to Amy Sherman-Palladino, the WB and Doris Parker Drank Here Productions.
SUMMARY: Why is Emily so distant from Lorelai?
Author's Note: I wrote this story in like 2 hours and so if it's not up to scratch I'm sorry but I've had this idea for a while and finally last night I just started typing.
The pain was excruciating, I wasn't sure I would be able to handle it much longer. But finally it just kind of 'popped out'. There infront of me in the doctor's arms was my new baby. Victoria Emily Gilmore. She was beautiful and I knew right then and there that I was totally in love with her. She was my flesh and blood and also she looked so peaceful, just like a little angel. She was my little angel.
*~*~5 YEARS LATER~*~*
Today is Viki's 5th birthday and it is going to be a huge celebration. Richard and I have been planning this for the past few months. It will be spectacular, a child's dream party. I will do anything for my angel; she can have whatever she wants. And right now she wants a birthday party with a clown and princess birthday cake, so that's what she is getting. Oops the guests will be here any second I should go check on Viki and make sure that she is comfortable in her dress.
Seeing her sitting there at the table playing with her friends and enjoying her party makes me feel wonderful. My baby is growing up and having fun while she does it. I can't believe she is 5 already, it feels like just yesterday that I was sitting in this very chair with that precious little angel inside of me.
Everyone has gone home but Viki is still having plenty of fun playing with all her new presents. "Viki baby, it's time to go to bed."
"But mommy, I'm still playing" she whined in her cute little voice.
"They'll all still be here tomorrow, I promise."
"Okay mommy, will you read me a story?"
"Of course sweetie, what do you want me to read?" I knew very well that it would be the same story I had read to her every night since she was 1.
"Peter Pan mommy!"
"Only if you go change into your pyjamas and hop into bed."
"Okay." She quickly ran up the stairs and turned the corner I heard her saying goodnight to her father. I walked into the kitchen and poured a glass of water for Viki. This is a nightly ritual, I don't like Viki coming downstairs at night, it's not safe she might fall down the stairs or something. So I always take her a glass of water in case she gets thirsty during the night.
Ten minutes later I closed the door to her room quietly and descended down the stairs and walked into the kitchen and this time I poured a glass of water for myself. Then I went back upstairs and changed for bed. Richard walked through the door just as I pulled the bed covers over myself.
"Are you going to sleep now?" he asked.
"Yes." I replied.
"Okay, well I am going to have a shower so I will be a little while." He walked over and kissed me on the forehead.
"Goodnight, I love you" I said.
"Goodnight, I love you too." He turned and walked through the door that led to our bathroom. I heard the water in the shower running. I looked at the clock on my bedside table; I read 10:37. I reached up and turned my lamp out and closed my eyes. I slowly drifted into a peaceful slumber.
Later that night I was awoken by a loud thud. I turned my light on and looked at the clock. It was now 12:15.
"Emily what are you doing?" Richard grumbled groggily.
"I heard a noise downstairs."
"What kind of noise?"
"A 'thud'."
"Okay stay here I'll go down a see what it is."
"No! I'll come with you, don't leave me here by myself."
"Whatever you want."
We both got out of bed and Richard grabbed a baseball bat from inside the hall closet, I grabbed a torch. I flicked the switch on and handed it to him. We slowly made our way downstairs.
Suddenly Richard stopped walking. "Go back upstairs" he ordered.
"Richard what is it?" I asked, what was down there that he wanted to shield me from?
"Nothing, just go back upstairs." He moved infront of me and blocked my view of downstairs.
I peeked around him, and there laying at the bottom of the stairs was… my baby. She was just lying there; she wasn't moving, or breathing. I scurried towards her, and I took her in my arms and cried. I prayed to God that this was only a nightmare, one of the worst I'd ever had, but a nightmare non-the-less.
"Emily, please let them take her." It had been an hour and still couldn't bring myself to let them take my angel away from me. Richard had called the paramedics and they had come straight away. One of them had noted the fact that there was a smashed glass lying on the floor, he assumed that she had probably come downstairs to get a drink.
Two days later at the funeral I listened to the priest talk about there being a reason this happen, about how we might not be able to understand right now, but in time we will understand completely and be thankful. How the hell could I be thankful!!! My baby girl was gone; my little angel was now with all the other little angels. But she wasn't supposed to be, she was supposed to be her with me. We were supposed to go to Cynthia's house today for a play date. But now I'm stuck sitting here without her. With all these people telling me how sorry they are that she is gone, and that they wish there was something they could do. I felt like telling them all to go get stuffed, but I just didn't have the energy. All I wanted to do was sleep; all I could do was sleep. I couldn't even walk by myself; Richard had to help me.
I have to get on with my life. I haven't been to one of my groups or meetings since before it happened. And today I received a very good piece of advice from a person who I truly hate. Today Richard's mother said to me "Emily, stop being so stupid. If you want people to stop talking about you, and worrying about you. Then give them someone else to talk about and worry about. Get out of that damn bed and do something, eat something." So that's what I did. I got out of bed and went to my DAR meeting. It's going to be hard and I will always love my little baby angel Victoria but I have to start living again, otherwise I'm going to turn into a shell.
*~*~3 YEARS LATER~*~*
How the hell did I get myself into this same position? I don't want to be lying here like this. I hate him for doing this to me again. I can't go through with this. As I learnt last time the birth is just the beginning. I don't know whether I can handle that kind of pain again. I still do not know anyone who has been through what I've been through.
No one is able to understand that I don't want to live. No one can understand that I'm only living because I need to. If I didn't need to keep going I wouldn't. But if I stay still for too long then I might start to remember things I want to forget. None of my friends have suffered like this. A few of them have lost children, but they haven't suffered like I have. Nannies and maids raised their children. I don't think any of them ever read their children a bedtime story or played with their children. I swear this time I am going to keep my distance. I will not get involved; I can't handle the pain again. A nanny will raise this child. And I will love my child but the pain that comes from loss is too strong.
I never want to feel that pain again so… I will never get too close again.
END