A/N: I've wanted to write something like this for a while, and I'm feeling sort of sad, so I figured why not. I'm not the best at angst, so bare with me. By the way, this is based on a song called I Hate You. Enjoy!
I Loved You(I Lost You)
"I hate you! God dammit, Beca! You can't go, not again. You said the last time was it," Chloe cried as quietly as she could from their bedroom so she wouldn't wake their sleeping daughter up, "I know, Chlo. I have no choice. But hey," Beca cooed as she positioned Chloe so she was in between her legs, lying back on Beca's chest, "I'll be in some air conditioned tent, miles from all the action. They need a doctor, and they want me."
Chloe turned her body and nestled her head into Beca's neck, "Don't go. I need you," she whispered as her salty fresh tears began to flow, "you can't leave me again. Last time you almost didn't come back," Chloe sniffled, "and if you don't come back this time I don't know if I can handle that,"
Beca gripped Chloe's body tightly and kissed the top of her head, "I'll be back. I know it's not the most idealistic thing to be in the army, but without that I wouldn't be doctor and we both know that. I promise I'll be back."
"Don't make a promise you can't keep."
Today was the day. The day Chloe had been dreading. The day Beca was leaving for six months to some air condition tent in the middle of no where. The day Chloe was unbelievably scared for.
Chloe couldn't bare the thought of her wife, her Beca, not coming home. But for the last two months she's been wishing this day would never come, knowing that it was a high possibility.
Chloe was dropping Beca off at an Air Force base. They left their daughter with their friends Aubrey and Jesse after Beca said her watery goodbyes to them, knowing that they wouldn't be able to keep their reserve in front of their three year old. Chloe had been choking back tears the whole day, practically the whole two months. She pulled up to the entrance, showed the soldiers her identification, and pulled into the base.
Once they got to where they needed, Chloe stopped their car and couldn't help her sobs. Her body was racked with shakes and shivers, as her eyes were clamped shut, with her hands over her face.
Beca got out of the car and wiped her tears, walked over to the drivers side, opened the door and wrapped her arms around Chloe, "I know this is hard, I know you're scared, but it will all be okay," Beca cooed as Chloe continued to sob, "You will be fine. The next six months I will Skype you and Ainsley as much as I can, I'll call you guys each second I get, I'll even write letters," Beca was trying so hard not to break down, she had done enough of that already, she needed to be strong for her wife and child.
"Chloe, can you look at me?" Beca asked, Chloe turned her body and wiped her tears and looked Beca in the eyes, the sight could've made Beca break down, but she kept it together. Beca cupped Chloe's cheeks and smiled to reassure her, "I love you, more than anything in this whole world, besides Ainsley of course, I'll be back sooner that later, and I know you'll take great care of our daughter," Beca said.
Chloe's lips started to tremble again, and she threw her arms around Beca and squeezed her tightly, "Can you just hold me? One last time before you go?"
"Of course," Beca held Chloe, sort of, she was standing and Chloe was sitting in the drivers seat, for about five more minutes until she had to go.
Beca kissed the top of Chloe's head, pulled back, lifted the redheads chin and smiled at her, "I have to go now," she said, Chloe started to sob even harder, Beca took a shaky breath and kissed Chloe. It was soft, loving, poignant, passionate, and most of all filled with hope. Beca knew it was risky, she knew she might not come back. They pulled apart and Beca kissed Chloe's forehead, "I'll see you in six months, Chloe Michelle Mitchell. I love you," Beca whispered into her ear, before walking into the building with a wave and small reassuring smile.
Chloe waved and wiped her tears, "I love you, too, Beca Elizabeth Mitchell," she whispered.
Chloe was just about to get into the car to pick up her daughter from school when she got a phone call. It had been about three months into Beca's deployment, so Chloe was feeling much better about her return. If she could make it three months, she could make it three more.
"Hello?" Chloe said as she got into the drivers seat.
"Is this Chloe Mitchell?"
Chloe froze, the voice was firm, and he sounded like he meant business, and Chloe had a gut feeling her world was about to come crashing down.
"Yes," Chloe said with a shaky breath, "this is she."
"I regret to inform you that the insurgents intended the RPG attack to inflict the maximum casualties in the medical facility. Many people have been wounded, but most have been killed. Your wife was working her second shift that day. The CO wanted you to know that the number of lives they saved on this mission outdoes many, and most. I'm very sorry that this is how your wife had to pass, we will be shipping her body back to the states soon."
Chloe broke down. Her mind went blank as her heart was beating rapidly, she zoned out and couldn't control how her chest was heaving out of time, she hung up immediately and let out a scream, she sat clutching at her body, trying to get ahold of herself, she couldn't form any coherent thoughts, more or less words.
Chloe starting hitting her steering wheel and muttered word after word before anything understandable came out.
"Dammit, you asshole, I knew this would happen. I knew you weren't coming home, I knew you would do it. I hate you. I hate you, I knew it. I totally blame you, how could you leave me, how could you leave us, I lost you. I hate you, I love you, I love... I loved you," Chloe sobbed int between words.
If anyone could see she didn't care, she didn't care that her neighbors probably thought she was crazy, she lost her wife. She lost her partner in crime, her best-friend, her Beca.
After sobering up barely, she realized she would be late picking her daughter up if she didn't hurry, she drove to Aubrey's because she had no time to call. It probably wasn't a good idea for her to drive in this condition, but she had no choice.
She pulled up and stumbled up to her door, knocking frantically as she couldn't let the cries die.
"Chloe, what's wrong?" Aubrey cooed, "Are you ok? Is Ainsley ok? Where is she? Aren't you supposed to pick her up?" Aubrey asked as she led her inside her and Jesses home.
"Beca," Chloe managed to choke out, "Beca, she," Chloe sat on the couch and covered her face, "she's gone."
Aubrey and Jesse had blank face. "No," Aubrey said as she sat next to Chloe, "No, she can't be,"
Jesse was speechless and he looked like he was about to faint, "How did you find out?"
"I got a call about a half an hour ago," Chloe said, "she's gone. She's gone and she's never coming back,"
Aubrey looked to Jesse with tears in her eyes, "Go get Ainsley,"
He complied and walked out the door.
"Bree," Chloe cried into Aubrey's chest, "she lied to me. She said she would come home. She said she was safe. I lost her, she's just gone."
Aubrey held Chloe as they cried together, no more words were said until Ainsley arrived. Chloe's life really did come crashing down before her eyes that cold February afternoon.
Six months have passed since Beca's death. Her funeral went by. Ainsley still doesn't quite understand that her other Mom isn't coming home, it breaks Chloe's heart, but in a way she's glad her daughter is so young so she can ease into the sad truth.
Chloe hasn't visited Beca's grave since the funeral. She can't. She can't bare to see that her wife is really gone. She's alone. Sure. She's got her daughter, her best-friends, but the one person she thought she would spend her whole life with, is not standing by her side holding her hand. She goes to bed alone, clutching Beca's favorite hoodie, sometimes a flannel, but she always sleeps with Beca's pillow. Every single night.
Sometimes when she wakes up in the morning, and had a fresh mind, she still rolls over, expecting to have Beca's warm embrace waiting for her, but is met with an empty space.
But today, today, she's decided to pay a visit.
Chloe sat down in any empty cemetery at Beca's grave and stared at the engravings.
She took a deep, long breath, and began to speak quietly even though no one was around, she wanted this to be an intimate situation.
"So, hey, it's me," Chloe said, "I've been thinking a lot about you. Mostly since I haven't visited in five months, but I," Chloe started to tear up, but took a few deeps breaths and continued, "I came because I miss you. I miss waking up to your beautiful face, I miss kissing you in the morning even though you had morning breath, I miss making breakfast with you, and waking Ainsley up together, taking her to the park on Saturdays," Chloe started to feel tears rush down her face, but didn't make any actions to stop them.
"I miss how you were so sarcastic and cocky, I miss how you used to tease me because I'm slow when it comes to jokes, I miss you, Becs," Chloe voiced, she shifted so she was closer to the headstone and touched Beca's name.
"The other day I started thinking about what my life would've been like if I had never met you. If I hadn't thought you were the hottest little Freshman at the Activities Fair, or if I hadn't been messing around with Tom in the shower, barged into your shower and demanded you sang my lady jam... What if I hadn't done that? I probably wouldn't be here, crying because my wife is a hero. But then again, I wouldn't have Ainsley. I wouldn't have the beautiful memories we have, and I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for you."
Chloe closed her eyes and let her fingers trace Beca's name as she got a feel of the letters.
"When I got the call, I felt like my whole life was over. I thought I wouldn't be able to walk again, I felt like I couldn't breath. I was positive my life was over. And it ended for a few months, hell, I'm still not sure when it will begin again. I was mad. I was so fucking mad at you. Then I came to terms with your death. I'm not healed, and no, I don't think I ever will be fully, but each day I wake up I tell you I love you, and I hope you're okay, where ever you may be."
After a moment Chloe pulled out a mix CD that Beca made her. The first one she ever made her.
"In my life I haven't made many promises. I made one to my parents, that I wouldn't drop out of college, one to the Bella's, and one to you. I promised to love you, and you promised to love me till the day we die, well, you may be gone, but my love for you will never die. I've made one to Ainsley, that I will never let this world take me away from her, we brought her here, and I'm seeing her through. Whatever I have to do, whatever it comes down to, I'll be there for her. I'm making the promises we promised each other, and vowing to never ever break them."
She set the CD down and half smiled as she wiped her hot tears, "The seven years we got to spend together were the best years of my life. And I hope they were yours too, I love you more than words can say, Beca Elizabeth Mitchell, and I'll never do you wrong. It's me and you. And it will always be me and you, baby."
Chloe stood up after a few more lingering moments. She began to walk back to her car. She felt good. She felt refreshed. She felt like Beca was listening to her go into the deepest parts of her heart and pour her soul out. Chloe knew that Beca was never coming back, and now, she has so learn to live without her, one day at a time. But she knows she can do it, because she had the best family, the best friends, and like she said, she has Beca, no, not in a physical form, but Beca will always have her heart.
It's me and you, baby, forever.