His body seems to run on it's own these days, without any conscious thought. Thirty-odd years of being a top-notch shinobi have molded him into the perfect killing machine. So perfect, in fact, that it can operate on it's own. No human thought required. This is his job, and he's the absolute best at it. He has been, for as long as he can remember. Always a genius; even before he was the Copy-nin, he was the son of Konoha's White Fang.
But now he's old, and his perfect machine is gradually breaking down with every unranked mission he gets. He loses more bits and pieces each time. He realizes that someday he'll lose a piece that's too vital to paste a bandage on and ignore, but he can't bring himself to care enough to change. He's always known he'll die in the line of duty. He wouldn't have it other way. It's been something of a goal of his; ever since the day he lost his eye and gained a new life in return. There was period of time when he thought he'd changed, a time when he had three pairs of eyes weighing him down, forcing him to think twice before doing anything reckless. Three pairs of eyes that – like his nin-hounds' puppies' – had quickly grown steely and distant and eventually stopped looking to him for guidance at all.
The first pup to leave was the one that most resembled him, and even though he'd been the least surprised when he heard the news, it was Kakashi that was hurt the most. He'd mourned, in his own way, but after a while he forced the sadness away. Because really, this loss was no greater and no different than the other losses he has dealt with in his lifetime. He still wonders about his wayward pup occasionally, but when you've been a shinobi as long as Kakashi, pain is pain and it all blurs together in the end.
The second to go was also the loudest, barking and howling his dreams to world – as if the world cared what one pup believed it could do. Still, Kakashi ruffled his fur and wished him luck, not regretting the loss until he was gone and he realized suddenly just how quiet it was.
The last pup was special. The whole of litter was unique, he found that out quick, but this tiny female was different than the other two. At first, he'd thought the shy little thing would be no good as warrior. He'd have to find some family to take her in, because god knows he didn't know how to handle anything that wasn't a fighter. The two males ate up his attention, rolling and biting and forcing him to keep both his eyes on them. With their absence, he finally looked down and saw her sitting calmly at his feet, waiting, as she always had, for him to notice. But before he could do much more than sigh, she decided she was tired of waiting behind with him. With a single wag of her tail in farewell, she trotted off, seeking a better, more attentive master. He was left standing with three empty spaces before him, wondering how everything could have gone so wrong.
Kakashi was not unaccustomed to failure. He had never claimed to be perfect. He had his faults, like any other man. But this failure, this was the one that did it. Broke him. Not all at once, no. It wasn't even noticeable, not at first. He had his pups for such a short time that he hadn't thought they made a big impact. After the three of them were gone, Kakashi got on with his life. It was the slow decay in him, the weariness that dragged at him day after day. He couldn't find a way past it.
Finally the day came when the first pup was defeated. Murdered, Kakashi had overheard, by the same organization he allied himself to.
The death of the second pup came not a day afterward. It happened right in front of Kakashi. It was in one of the big battles against Iwa, the one that turned around the entire war. Konoha was losing, you see, until the second pup came charging through the ranks to meet the enemy head on. They won that day, but lost something much more valuable in return.
And the third. The little one. She was nearly destroyed by the loss of the others, but she stubbornly clung to life, fighting to make a difference in the memory of the ones she loved. And maybe Kakashi should have realized she needed him, maybe he should've been by her side more. If he had, maybe she wouldn't have taken that mission, the s-ranked one that everyone knew was a suicide run. Like a real hero, she saved countless lives with her sacrifice.
He was proud of her, truly, but…it hurts. He understands now how she felt, constantly being left behind. He failed as a teacher, as a guardian. He let them down. And now somewhere, they are all together again, but he is still here, doing the only thing he's ever been good at.
So Kakashi trudges onward, keeps pushing one weary leg in front of the other. Even now, after he's lost everything, he just keeps going, keeps moving forward. The perfect picture of a worn-out hound, he drags himself home to his master again and again, stopping here and there to lick his wounds, but always, always moving forward.
He doesn't know how to stop.