Chapter 1: Acid tongue
To be lonely is a habit
Like smoking or taking drugs
And I've quit them both
But man, was it rough
Dani stepped out of the car. There were orange trees lining the road. The sand she was walking on was dry and felt loose under her shoes. The smell of fruit was in the air. She vibrated with anger. Crews was still staring at the sun when she pushed him.
'You crossed the line,' she yelled. Bewildered, Crews blinked and looked at her. She shoved him again, harder this time.
'Reese?' he said, hesitantly, as he stumbled backwards.
'What the hell were you thinking?' Dani shouted. She kicked sand at his trousers. This must look ridiculous, she thought, but she was so angry that she had simply ceased caring. Bodner could regale everyone with tales of her insanity for all she cared.
'It was my fault that...' Crews tried to explain. His hands reached out to steady her, to calm her, but she slapped them away.
'I don't give a shit! You don't get to do that.'
Bodner leaned out of the car, thinking better of intervening. Dani glared at Crews. He offered her one of his bemused looks. As if he didn't know what she meant, while the whole fucking universe knew.
Forcing herself into an outward approximation of serenity, she breathed heavily and ignored Crews' facial expression. When he started talking again, she ignored his words too. After a minute she thought she had regained a modicum of restraint. Crews was still rambling about Roman Nevikov and why it was perfectly acceptable for him to trade himself for her.
Dani signaled Bodner to move. In some sort of asshole chivalrous move, he tried to hold the car door open for her.
'If you want a ride, get in the car,' she said to him. As she adjusted the driver's seat, she saw the two men glance at each other. Uncertainly, Bodner approached the other side of the car and opened the door.
'What about...?' Bodner asked, gesturing towards Crews. Shielding her eyes with her hand, Dani peered through the windshield. The bastard was standing there with a benevolent expression on his face. As if he was granting them permission to leave without him. As if he could fucking stop her.
'Get in and close the door,' she snapped and Bodner hurriedly did what she said. With a grim face, she put the car in gear and sped away. To her intense satisfaction, their hasty departure left behind a cloud of dust. They drove in silence for a few seconds, before Bodner cleared his throat.
'He didn't...'
'Shut up or I'm leaving you too.'
The rest of the ride, Bodner wisely chose to keep his mouth shut.
(***)
What followed was a giant debriefing, as if they had partaken in a military mission. Bodner did most of the talking and subsequently got fired.
Crews did some of the talking, but was being deliberately vague – he called it being Zen. He was suspended for a few weeks, while an independent investigation into his activities was launched.
Dani did none of the talking, refusing to discuss anything pertaining to the kidnapping and her release. She was ordered to talk to a shrink. She refused. Crews talked to her. She still refused. Finally, Tidwell managed to arrange something so it seemed she had been to see a therapist while she hadn't. She didn't thank him.
(***)
On the first night back in her apartment, Dani felt antsy. She put her clothes in the trash and took a shower. Afterwards, in soft and fresh clothes, feeling very soft and fresh herself too, she sat in the living room.
She turned on the TV, but switched it off after a few minutes of channel surfing. Standing by the window, she looked out at the dark street. She hadn't turned on a single light in the house when she came home. Not even in the bathroom, where she'd dried in the dark and brushed her hair without looking in the mirror.
From the outside, she could imagine her silhouette blending into the darkness of the apartment if someone tried to look inside.
For a while, she chewed on her lip. It wasn't something she normally did, because men always misinterpreted the habit. They thought she was trying to be sexy. Apparently, practically everything a woman did was meant to attract a man. Chewing your lip, tucking your hair behind your ear, laughing: all body language designed to snare a man. Men are such arrogant fuckers, Dani thought.
Tonight, she chewed because she was deep in thought and there was no one there to misread her intentions anyway.
Finally, she put on her jacket and left the apartment. It didn't take her long to pick someone up and convince him to take her home. She had sex with him and left when he was snoring.
(***)
A week later.
The bar was still relatively quiet. Dani realised she might have come in a bit early. Now she would have to kill time before someone suitable came along. She was thirsty, but she didn't want a drink. She didn't need a shrink to tell her that. She was hungry too, but hadn't eaten properly for weeks. A steady diet of pizzas and the occasional candy bar had kept her on her feet. Unfortunately, there was no one there to satisfy her real needs.
Her eyes were tired. She needed to buy a new pair of sunglasses. The last pair had gotten lost somewhere during the kidnapping. Perhaps when she was transferred into the van. Perhaps Crews had even found it.
Not that it mattered. She'd buy a new pair the next day. She was sick of squinting the entire goddamn day to keep the sun out of her eyes.
'From that gentleman in the corner,' the bartender said when he placed a bottle on the counter in front of her. Dani nodded and looked at the label. It was a non-alcoholic root beer. Slowly, she turned around and caught a glimpse of red hair and blue eyes. Before Crews could blink, she was gone.
(***)
Another week later. Saturday.
Dani spent the weekend in a furious mood. She considered cleaning the apartment – it was what her mother did when she was mad – but after halfheartedly vacuuming the bedroom, she decided it wasn't really for her. It didn't have the desired calming effect.
On Saturday night, she went home with a guy who insisted on telling her his name. This almost caused her to blow the thing off, but ultimately she was too wired to care. As she left his house, she thought hard. Tim? Tom? Ben? Rick? It had been something short. When she realised she had already forgotten his name, she started to laugh and couldn't stop.
(***)
Sunday.
That night, she went home with one guy, resurfaced in another bar an hour later and picked up another guy. After him, she went back to the first bar and ordered a beer. She drank three and went home.
Tidwell was waiting at her door. She suddenly regretted not getting completely plastered. This was a conversation she didn't want to have, so she didn't have it.
'Dani...' was all he managed to get out, before she opened the door and closed it again. He knocked a couple of times and called her name. Probably also called her cell, but for all intents and purposes she wasn't home.
Everyone had been interviewed: Early, Tidwell, Seever and Stark, as well as Dani and Bodner again. Bodner was persistent in his refusal to implicate Crews. The others were equally obstinate. Seever was probably the one with a story closest to the truth and she was also the only one who came off looking good.
On Monday, Crews would be back at work. The investigation had turned up nothing definitive about him except the kidnapping of Mickey Rayborn, who had magnanimously decided not to press charges.
She shivered violently. She felt like shedding her skin, because she felt uncomfortable in it. Settling on the next best thing, she took a scalding hot shower. Her skin was red from the too hot water. The pain felt good. As her skin cooled down, she got under the sheets.
For fun, she tried to remember the name of the Saturday night guy, because she couldn't sleep anyway. Her legs got tangled up in the sheets and she felt as if even the light summer blankets were suffocating her. Wildly, she kicked them off.
As the cool air of the air conditioning caressed her naked body, she contemplated not reporting for work the next day. She'd go somewhere warm, but not as humid as Los Angeles. She'd lie on the beach, sip scotch, sleep with strangers and be bored out of her mind. In the midst of her fantasy, she fell asleep.
(***)
Monday morning.
'Is something wrong?' Tidwell asked. He could be coming in any moment, Dani thought. She shook her head and looked through the blinds of the captain's office. Stark was dawdling at the water cooler. No sign of him yet.
'Did something happen during the kidnapping?' Tidwell continued.
'Roman just slapped me around a little bit, made empty threats: you know, the usual stuff. Nothing out of the ordinary,' she scoffed. He regarded her intently, while she sipped her coffee. A head ache was forming, which was fitting since Crews was about as unwanted and annoying as a head ache.
'You're fine?'
Before she could snap that if nothing was wrong she must be fine, she saw him. Light blue shirt, dark blue suit, striped tie. Stark immediately spotted him too and grabbed his hand. He shook Stark's hand, but his eyes wandered around the room. They located her faster than she would have thought possible and held her gaze. Sliver of Crews, blind, sliver of Crews, blind and so on it went.
She noticed that Tidwell was staring at her and drained her paper cup, burning her tongue in the process. The captain got up from behind his desk , walked out of the office and up to Crews. Unwilling to become a part of his welcome party, Dani marched off.
'Crews, meet me outside,' she barked as she snatched her jacket of a chair. Without looking back to see if he was following, she got on the elevator.
(***)
Monday. Five o'clock.
'Is something going on between Crews and you?' Tidwell inquired. She was caught off guard by the question, which had undoubtedly been his intention when he snuck up behind her. Thus, instead of a firm 'no,' she ended up with 'like what?'
'You seem to go out of your way to... well, to avoid him.'
She narrowed her eyes and regarded Tidwell suspiciously. Even though darkness was already setting in, Dani put on her sunglasses as she considered his assessment. It was accurate. The sensation lasted only a few seconds, but she felt as if she couldn't breathe. She needed to get out of the building, out of her clothes, out of her skin. It subsided when she pressed her nails into the palms of her hands.
'Did he say that?' she asked, instantly despising the defensive note that crept into her voice.
'No, but I've got eyes, Dani,' Tidwell said and sighed, before adding, 'Do you want me to come over tonight?'
'That's not necessary,' she answered. It was too quick and too decisive; she could see it in his eyes. He nodded, obviously hurt by the rejection. After a short pause, she was the first to speak. It wasn't an explanation or an apology or a number of things she might have said if she were another person. If she weren't Dani Reese.
'Are we done here?'
Tidwell nodded again, a curt nod to dismiss her and she wasted no time in getting as far away from him as possible. He looked after her and mumbled to himself.
'Yes, I think we're done.'
(***)
During that week, she graduated from beer and meaningless sex with strangers to SM and scotch. No need to go away to have a good time. On Friday, Tidwell requested her presence in his office and reluctantly she obeyed. He regarded her warily as she closed the door behind her. Crews' eyes burned holes in her back as she leaned against the window. He was swiftly driving her insane.
'You've had several altercations this week,' Tidwell began. He summed up everything. Her needlessly aggressive interrogation of the business partner of a murder victim, how her handling of a teenage hoodlum had led to a couple of bruised ribs, her sudden inability to cooperate with other branches of law enforcement, the number of times she had left Crews at the side of the road after he'd made an innocent remark that for some reason had irritated her.
At the end of the list, Tidwell sighed. It was a parental sigh. An I'm not mad; I'm disappointed sigh. Over the years, Dani had gotten plenty of those from her mother. Her father was usually just mad. The phrase 'conduct unbecoming a police officer' was hanging in the air.
'You're drinking again, aren't you?'
She focused on the floor and didn't answer. Tidwell heaved one of his futile sighs again.
'I recommend that you take a break. Go on vacation or something,' Tidwell finally suggested. Her head snapped up from the spot of the floor she had been examining and rubbing at with her foot. Dani chewed over that idea, literally chewing on her bottom lip.
It was an appealing prospect; that much was sure. To spend some time away from Crews. The problem was that eventually she would have to return and the trouble would simply begin anew. She stopped chewing when she noticed Tidwell's look.
'And what if I don't follow your unsolicited advice?' she defiantly asked. In response, he leaned back in his chair and glanced at Crews. Some understanding seemed to pass between them before he fixed his attention on her again.
'You're heading for a suspension, Dani. For your own good, please, take a break.'
When she nodded, she saw relief flood his face. It quickly disappeared when she took the badge off her belt and put it on his desk. Next, she took her service weapon out of its holster and placed it before him too.
'Fuck that, I quit.'
'Dani, don't do this.'
Outside of Tidwell's office, she almost bumped into Crews. He asked her what had happened, but she pretended not to hear him. She easily sidestepped him and made a beeline for the elevator. Her composure was quickly crumbling and she hammered the button several times. This is the right decision, she told herself; I have to do this. And above all, it had nothing to do with Crews.
You know I'm a liar
(***)
The story title is the song 'Handle with Care' from the Traveling Wilburys, covered by Jenny Lewis. The lyrics in every chapter correspond with the chapter title and these are all songs from Jenny Lewis again.