Of the many tasks Spock was required to perform on the Enterprise, there were many that he did not like. There was septic-cleaning duty, during which they always seemed to need someone with superhuman strength to dislodge the more difficult 'deposits'. And there was transporter testing, during which his clothing did not always materialize. But above all, Spock's least favourite duty was calling his father.
When Spock had gone off to Starfleet Academy, his father had made him promise to call every week. And years later, even after his mother's death, Spock felt bound to that obligation. So every week, with a feeling of dread, he would pick up the phone and call his father.
It wasn't that his father was particularly boring. He was, but years of Vulcan schooling had taught Spock how to dream about bikini models while appearing interested and attentive. Nor was it the stress of hearing from home. Sure, there were challenges in rebuilding Vulcan society, but his father only mentioned it to brag about how he was the brains behind everything. No, it was the way Sarek spoke to him. Spock could not get though a single conversation with his father without being criticized.
"What is wrong with your hair?" Sarek had asked him a few weeks ago, when he had picked up the Comm. wearing a gelled, spiked hairdo that the barber and several passing girls had assured him was 'stylish'.
Spock had mumbled something about trying new things, but had made sure to smooth it out before the next call. But of course, his father didn't notice or say he liked it better. Instead he asked,
"Spock, why are you not yet a captain?"
And Spock had explained that command positions were copetitive and he was lucky to even be first officer at his age.
"But Captain Kirk is a good two years younger than you are," Sarek had argued, and Spock had spent the next week tracking down Starfleet performance records so that he could convince his father that he wasn't being ripped off.
But that wasn't enough for Sarek either, and this week he had a different question.
"Spock," he asked, "Why do I not have any grandchildren?"
Spock sputtered and thought of all the possible reasons. Eventually, he went for the logical answer.
"Father, I am sure that you are aware that my bondmate passed away in the destruction of Vulcan."
Spock tried to look upset, hoping his father would move on out of sympathy. But he didn't bite.
"Why have you not found a new one," he demanded.
"I thought it was your responsibility to find me a bondmate," Spock replied, hoping to win an argument for once.
But Sarek wouldn't have any of it.
"Considering the difficulty of finding a Vulcan mate due to the gender imbalance caused by the destruction of Vulcan, it would be logical for you to seek a human mate. I think you should know that."
Spock did know that, which was why he had asked without fear of his father going out and finding one.
"How do you propose I do that?" Spock asked impertinently, hoping to stump his father for once.
Sarek stopped to think for a minute.
"Well, I met your mother in an establishment called a 'bar', where they serve beverages that impair humans' judgment. After consuming several, she agreed that it would be logical to go on a date with me."
This did not surprise Spock at all. He had been had having doubts about his mother for several years now.
"I do not visit many bars in the course of my duties," Spock replied dryly.
"Another possibility is an activity they have started on New Vulcan called 'speed dating'. Every man has five minutes to convince each woman why he is a logical partner."
Spock had in fact tried speed dating one. He had read an elaborately prepared statement on why he was an ideal marriage partner to every woman, only to have them creep away uneasily.
"Regardless," Sarek continued, "I am sure if you put enough effort into the matter, you will succeed."
Spock resisted the urge to ask his father if he himself had succeeded yet.
"But father," Spock said seriously after a minute, "I am not sure that I am ready to be a parent."
"Fortunately, it takes nine months for a baby to develop," Sarek stated, "Which is adequate time for preparation."
Spock tried to think of how to say what he meant. But the only think he could think to say was
"Yes father."
The truth was, Spock had found a human mate. She was a fellow crewmember by the name of Nyota Uhura. And while Vulcans didn't believe in love, he had to admit that he was very fond of her. He certainly wanted her to be the mother of his children.
"Do you know what happened today?" Nyota asked Spock as she bursted through the door of his quarters. She often came to visit uninvited. It was something he had learned to deal with.
"I am so mad," she continued, "I caught Chekov staring directly at my ass, can you believe it?"
The honest answer was 'yes', but Spock knew better than to say it out loud.
"I mean, just because I am wearing a short skirt, does that give him a right to ogle me?"
Spock wasn't sure, but he nodded vigorously and made a mental note to ogle more discreetly in the future.
"And I told Captain Kirk, and he said he couldn't very well make rules about where people's eyes could be. Can you believe that?"
Yes, Spock thought again, he stayed silent as usual. There were a number of subjects that Nyota often complained about including 'post-feminists', 'other guys' and 'The Patriarchy'. Spock had learned to stay silent when she discussed any of them.
Eventually, she stopped ranting, and Spock had an opportunity to bring up the matter that was on his mind.
"Due to the necessity of repopulating Vulcan, and due to family wishes," he said all in one breath, "I was wondering if you would be willing to have my children."
Nyota looked shocked for a minute, but then she looked sad.
"Spock," she whispered, "I know it must be hard knowing you're one of the few only Vulcans, and I'm not saying I never want to have kids with you, but you know I can't say yes now."
This seemed illogical, if he'd known, he wouldn't have asked.
"Why not?" he queried.
"Well ...," she said, looking at him if it should be obvious, "It's not very practical ... I mean they don't allow pregnant women on Starships, and we're probably too busy, working all the time ..."
Every statement she said was true, but her conclusion wasn't logical.
"You could always do other work," Spock suggested.
And Nyota's expression changed completely.
"What!" she demanded.
"If Starfleet impractical," Spock explained, "You could always do other work once you are pregnant. And my family had substantial resources, it would not be strictly necessary to ..."
"What?" she spat, her voice growing louder, "You expect me to just drop everything to have your children?"
Drop everything? Spock thought his message might not be getting across.
"I mean, it would be most logical if you were to go live with my father or your family on Earth while I remained on the Enter—"
Nyota looked enraged.
"You mean you want me to wait at home and have your baby while you go kill some motherfuckers!" she screamed.
"I object to the use of such lang—" Spock started calmly.
"Fuck that!" she yelled, and started pacing around the room, "Have you not been listening to everything I've been telling you about equality!"
The honest answer to that was also yes, but Spock though it best not to comment.
"Nyota," he said, exhaling, "The reality is that due to our biological differences, you would have to take on the greatest burden in having our –"
"Not true, not true!" Nyota interrupted, "Did you not see those couples on Jerry Springer IX?"
Spock had seen the Pregnant Husbands episode. Suddenly, he felt uneasy.
"They were all homosexual," Spock objected, picking the first thing he could think of.
"So?" Nyota asked, "I bet they could do it for straight people too, the procedure might even be easier"
She was probably right, so Spock picked a different argument.
"It required a team of highly skilled professionals," he stated.
"Do we not have highly-skilled professionals in Starfleet?" Nyota demanded, "I think Dr. McCoy's pretty smart, I think he's fucking smart!"
Suddenly, Spock found himself hoping the doctor wasn't very smart at all.
"And I read," Spock continued uneasily, "That several of the men grew breasts."
Nyota gave Spock an accusing glare.
"Are you saying" she asked with narrowed eyes, "That there is something wrong with having breasts?"
And once again, Spock resisted the urge to say yes. Quietly, he tried to think of other objections.
"Well, I guess we have an alternative, then," Nyota said, looking rather self-satisfied, when he couldn't find any.
Sputtering Spock tried to voice his objections, but found he couldn't.
"Yes dear," he said quickly.
A/N: This is for the kink meme. The prompt is as follows:
"Why don't you have my baby and wait at home while I go kill some motherfuckers?"
-Zoe Saldana
*
Spock expresses his desire for Uhura to bear his children. Uhura offers an alternate suggestion. Surprisingly, Spock is totally down with that.
Cracky mpreg follows, with Spock sitting happily at the science station knitting blankets and things and Uhura down on the planet with the landing party being badass.
Okay, maybe I'm not quite filling the 'happily' and 'down with that' part. But it's so much funnier when they don't get along ... and I promise they'll work out their differences eventually in true crack form