AN: not trying to impress anyone w/this drabble, i was just bored.
Here I am. Sitting here in my room on my bed with Captain Oats, contemplating my own sexuality. Is it true you can fall in love with anyone? Or is it true the 'gay' gene is a flaw in the DNA structure? I loved Summer. I thought I still did. From as far back as I can remember I obsessed over her. She was this two dimensional dream I could never touch like the pages of a comic book.
Then it happened. He happened. He was the event that turned my life around; he got Summer to notice me. He wasn't just a friend, but my hero, my savior from this Newport life. Even with my perfect image of Summer, I still wanted to end my life, but with Ryan...
When he came I was worth something again. I felt like no matter how hard & fast the world crumpled around me, as long as he was there, we were an unstoppable team. Then he left-
& because of that I ran? Life lost all meaning... I left her. In a sense I left Summer for Ryan. That whole time I was staying with Luke, all I could think about was Ryan. Sure I missed Summer while I was away, but not as much as I thought I would. I wasn't even sure of my reasons for not telling her to her face why I had to leave. Why couldn't I turn to her? The one I had longed to be there was no longer a comfort. I wasn't even sure of those reasons myself.
My dad walks in & I lose my train of thought. Knocking then just barging in shouldn't be considered knocking. He asks if I'm all right recovering from tonight's event, my grandfather's arrest.
"Dad, really I'm fine."
"Ok, if you're sure. Don't stay up too late."
Thank god, he leaves.
I go back into deep thought. Maybe I've been too embarrassed & scared to admit I have a 'thing' for the mysterious, bruiting, chino boy that is Ryan Atwood! Captain Oats tells me I'm being too dramatic again.
"Sorry I can't seem to help it."
It wasn't until Summer screamed at me tonight- about me liking the chase- that it hit me. Wow, she made sense. & it scared me because she was right. I had her & I let her go. She was supposed to be IT. The answer to my prayers, key to my happiness, but something deep inside of me remained unsatisfied. Only now that I think about it, only now I can admit...
The only time I feel complete is when I'm around Ryan. The more I think about it the more it makes sense. At that moment when he turned around from the taxi & was standing there as I opened the door- I did have the strange urge to kiss him. I'm so glad he talked me into coming back. I'm so glad he's back. I wouldn't have it any other way.
With all the chaos going on in our lives right now this doesn't seem to be the right time or place to do anything about this. I guess it was a good thing I resisted that urge to kiss him. My four hoofed companion asks me a question. I answer.
"No, Captain Oats. Ryan is straight."
I sigh, "Perhaps I do like the chase..."