She slowly pulled herself toward consciousness. She could hear a low mechanical hum, the soft whump! of a door closing and distant muffled voices. Not home. She lay still trying to remember. She felt sore, fuzzy headed, fuzzy mouthed – and hollow. Something was missing. The baby. She came awake fully, opened her eyes, and saw ceiling tiles and a curtain hanging from a narrow track. Hospital. Oh god, the wedding, Brandi, the stabbing pain, Marshall! She needed Marshall!
Her thought must have traveled across the room.
"Hey, Sunshine!" a soft voice murmured. Mary relaxed and turned toward the familiar and calm voice of her partner. He was sitting in a rocking chair near the end of her bed, the front of his white dress shirt was open, a small pink bundle lay against his bare chest, cupped in place by his large hand. He was smiling at her, a tired smile that pulled at the lines around his eyes. 'When did Marshall get wrinkles?' she thought.
"Marshall?" Was that her tiny croaking voice? She tried again. "Marshall? Is that? Is everything…" she could feel the hollowness inside her filling with new feelings - dread, fear, and a little tiny amount of panic.
"It's okay, Mare. She's okay. A little small, but everything is okay."
Mary turned back to the ceiling. She wouldn't cry. Dammit! Stupid hormones! Would she ever be normal again?
"Mare?"
Taking a deep breath and she turned back to Marshall. C'mon you can do this! She tried a smile, "Nice chest, Doofus."
Marshall blushed and looked down at the pink form. "Skin to skin contact helps newborns stay warmer and cry less. Multiple studies have shown that newborns respond not only to the feel and scent of the skin but to the sound of a heart beat after months in the womb so close to their mother's heart and…"
"My very own Dr. Spock." Marshall turned back towards her laughing. Mary realized with a jolt that it had been awhile since she'd seen Marshall laughing. When was the last time they had laughed together? Everything the last few weeks, no it had been months, had been strained. Mark, the pregnancy, work, Abigail, Brandi.
She missed that sound.
"Where is everyone? I figured Jinx would be hovering about just waiting for me to wake up so I could fix Brandi's latest mess."
"It's about 10:30. Visiting hours were over a few hours ago. You were still in dreamland, so everyone went home. I'll call them in the morning and let them know you're awake."
"You're still here."
"I am."
"I'm glad." Mary swallowed nervously. "Are you sure everything… I mean, the baby…she's okay, really?"
Marshall's blue eyes fixed on her, "Yes. She's perfect, Mare." His hand moved in small circles on the pink bundle. Mary fixed her gaze on his hand, circling and circling in a slow steady rhythm. She sighed. She'd like to be small again, to feel secure and calm under his hand.
"Marshall? I need to… God, I don't know what to do?" The panic was back.
Marshall looked away, his head falling back against the rocking chair. He sighed. "Mare, not tonight, okay? Can tonight just be, I don't know…this?" He looked back at her. "I know you are going to gi…relocate her. But just for the next few hours can it just be simple? Just Nora and us?"
"Nora?"
"Did you have a name picked out?"
"No." She fidgeted with the top of the sheet. "Why Nora?"
Marshall paused looking down at the baby, at Nora, before turning back to her. "It was my grandmother's name." he said quietly.
Mary felt a pain in her chest. God, this was not what she had expected. What had she expected? If she was being honest, she hadn't thought past the protect part. Relocate had been an abstract idea. This wasn't going to be like handing a witness off to another set of Marshals.
"Marshall, I really need to…"
"No." He said firmly.
Mary paused before continuing, "But Marshall I need…"
"I said no, Mary." Marshall's pointed look stopped her from further conversation. "How long have we been partners?"
"Almost eight years." She wanted to look away, but couldn't pull herself from his gaze. He looked almost angry, grim. Marshall was never grim. "But we are not just partners, Marshall."
Marshall's face relaxed, "No, we're best friends, Mare. We have been for about seven years and nine months."
The room was silent except for the soft creak of Marshall's leather cowboy boots as he flexed his ankles with each rocking motion of the chair.
Marshall turned back to the baby. "I'm sorry, but I'm tired, Mare. I don't have enough in me to think about tomorrow, to worry about Brandi or Jinx, to help you figure out how to relocate Nora, or to think about everyone else. Today I tracked down a dead juror, interrogated a hateful woman with no respect for the dead – or the living, got shot at – twice, protected a witness I don't even like, and I've stood helpless outside a surgical ward while my partner," he looked at Mary, "my best friend, was operated on without knowing…" His voice cracked and trailed off, then more softly he turned to Nora and whispered. "Again."
He cleared his throat, looked back at Mary and asked, "Please, Mare?"
"Okay." Her voice sounded small.
"Okay?"
"Yeah."
"Thank you."
"Marshall?"
"Mary!"
"Why?"
"You need more reasons?" he asked tiredly. His hand was still rubbing circles on that small pink form laying on his chest.
"No!" She was confused and still feeling fuzzy headed. She wasn't used to Marshall this tired, this deflated and well, he was being very un-Marshall-like tonight. He was tired. Clearly. He needed sleep. She should tell him to go home. She could call Stan and ask Stan to even maybe order him to go home. But she didn't want Marshall to leave. To leave her alone. No, not alone. To leave her with that pink bundle. Nora.
His entire body was exhausted. The only thing keeping him going was the small warm weight over his heart. Nora. He wouldn't, he couldn't, tell Mary that he'd been secretly calling the baby Nora for months. Ever since he suspected it was a girl. The way Mary had carried the baby and the weight she'd gained. No, he really could not tell her he'd been watching her body so closely! He'd not only read every book and website he could on pregnancies and babies, he'd cajoled his Mom into talking about her pregnancies and those of his sister-in-laws as often as he could without being too obvious about why he was so curious.
The last few hours had been so peaceful and perfect, just him and Nora. This perfect baby. Mary's baby.
He looked back at bed. Mary's gaze was fixed on Nora. Mary's look was…he sighed, Mary's look was the same she had the afternoon he'd given her the messy speech. Cornered. He could hear the ticking of the wall clock, in syncopation with the thudding of his heart. He would only have just enough energy for one shot at this.
"Mare, I need to use the bathroom, do you want to take the baby for a moment?"
"What? No. I mean. I don't know Marshall. I'm not any good at holding babies."
"Remember Leonard? He didn't seem to mind." He stood carefully and crossed to the bed. Without waiting for permission he laid Nora on Mary's chest. "I'll be just a second!"
"I still think Leonard is a stupid name for a baby, Oh!" She'd barely finished when Marshall laid the baby on her chest. "Wait! Marshall!"
He was already at the bathroom door. "I'll just be a second!" he called over his shoulder.
The baby was wrapped up like some kind of bug in a cocoon. A small white knit cap with a tiny pink stripe covered her head. God! Her head was so small! A tiny nose! Little perfect lips. Mary tentatively ran the pad of her finger over those tiny perfect lips. Nora's eyes opened. She blinked at Mary.
"Hi, Nora. It's me." She couldn't say Mom. She didn't feel like a Mom. "Do you remember me, Nora? I've been hauling you around inside me for a while now." Nora blinked at Mary again and then yawned. She reached up and laid her hand on Nora's back. She made her hand follow the same path as Marshall's. Slow careful circles over Nora's lower back. Softly she murmured, "I know I am not as good at this stuff as Marshall. You've met him. He's kind of a doofus, but he is really smart, and he's my Doofus, well, I guess he is our Doofus, huh, Nora? The baby looked intently at her while she talked. When she said Doofus, she thought maybe Nora smiled, just a tiny bit. Mary smiled at her. "Do you like Doofus, huh, Nora?"
The bathroom door opened. Mary pointed at Marshall and said to Nora, "Look, Nora, it's okay, Doofus is back." Her other hand kept up the motion on Nora's back. She smiled at Marshall, "We survived your absence."
His smile met hers. "I never doubted you wouldn't." He moved toward the bed. She noticed he had rebuttoned his white dress shirt. He sat on the edge of the bed. "Doofus?"
"What? She likes the name! I think she smiled when she heard your name."
He laid his hand below hers on Nora's back. Not the D-word he'd like this little one to associate him with. But in a few hours it wouldn't matter.
A nurse strode into the room and there was no time to follow his thought to its sad conclusion.
"Well, look who is awake!" the nurse greeted Mary. "And getting reacquainted with your beautiful little one, I see! Hi! My name is Maranda, I'm yours tonight until 7. Are you feeling okay? Any pain, nausea, discomfort?"
"No. I feel okay, just a little sore I guess." Mary answered.
"Good, that is pretty normal. I just need to take your blood pressure and vitals." Maranda turned to him, "Dad, would you take baby for a minute?"
Marshall opened his mouth to correct her, but Mary brought her hand down over his on Nora's back and squeezed his hand. "Please, Marshall."
That was unlike Mary, he looked at her and she smiled at him, even m ore un-Mary like. He was too tired to think about it, though. Besides, he really wanted to hold Nora again.
He picked up Nora and held her in the crook of his arm. Out of the side of his eyes he watched Maranda take Mary's vitals, and apply the arm cuff. This was new. Usually he was focused on Mary all the time. He was always aware of her. Her moods, her needs, but tonight Nora was his focus. Mary was there, too. Two of them. It was overwhelming. It was like before, but twice as big and wonderful. And they were his. For at least another ten hours.
He caught himself swinging slowly back and forth. Nora stared up at him in fascination. So small, yet so perfect. She closed her eyes and her face drew together. Her lips began to smack, suckling. He'd fed her earlier. The day nurse had brought him a small bottle of formula while Mary slept and it had been the most amazing thing to watch her small mouth latch onto the bottle while her dark blue eyes bore into his, right into his soul. So trusting and curious. Then sated, she'd relaxed into sleep. He'd opened his shirt to feel her warm little body against his. She'd slept against his chest while he rocked back and forth for hours until Mary awoke.
"It sounds like someone is hungry again!" Maranda's voice dragged him back from his memories. She turned to Mary, "Are we ready to try and breast feed?"
Mary's face had relaxed since he'd come out of the bathroom, but now that look of a cornered animal had crept back. Shit! They'd been doing so well for a few minutes.
"I don't know, I hadn't planned, Marshall?" Mary's panicked eyes sought his. He braced himself. Protect, Marshall.
" Mare, it is important for Nora to have the antibodies you can give her the first few days. It will help protect her, she needs your protection, Mare." He spoke firmly and held her green gaze, watching as the panic and fear was replaced with determination. Protection was second nature to Mary.
"Okay." Mary reached up for Nora, "I don't know what to do, but I'll try."
As he passed Nora over the suckling sounds became louder, as if she knew dinner was on its way.
He looked at Maranda and then back at Mary. He could feel a flush on his neck as he looked at her, trying NOT to look at her chest and said, "I'll just step outside so you can, you know…"
"No! Marshall, don't leave!"
The blush crept further up his neck to his face. She didn't mean, no, she didn't think, did she? "Mare are you sure?"
"Yes! You've read all the books, you know what I need to do, tell me! Please stay!"
He looked from Mary's pleading face to Maranda, who was watching this by-play curiously. Of course, she thought he was the 'Dad'. Nora's dad wouldn't be blushing furiously over seeing her mother's breast for the first time, presumably he would have already seen them. But of course Nora's dad had. It was just that he wasn't, even though every cell in his body yearned to be, the father of that perfect little girl.
"Mare, it'll be okay. Maranda will help you through this."
"And you'll stay?"
He knew that was what he wanted. To be with the woman he loved while she nursed their child for the first time. Wasn't that what he'd been trying to tell Mary earlier tonight. He just wanted. No- he needed, more than he needed air, just one night with the family he knew he would never have again. "I'll stay, Mare."
Maranda had him help Mary into a more upright position while she excused herself and went down the hall. When Maranda came back she passed Mary an oddly shaped pillow, a nursing pillow Marshall realized, and settle Nora into the pillow just under Mary's bustline. Maranda unsnapped the sleeve of Mary's hospital gown and brought the end down over her right breast. Marshall froze. Mary was intently following Maranda's advice. He could breathe. Breathe, Mann! God! She was so beautiful. Mary guided Nora's head to her nipple while Maranda murmured encouragement. Nora lips touched Mary and she smacked her lips and then turned away. Smacking her lips a few more times, Nora began to cry in frustration. No, no, no! Please, please Nora, he begged silently, please just turn back and try again, baby girl, please, don't refuse Mary!
He could see Mary tensing as Nora's cries grew stronger. She glanced quickly between him and Nora in a silent plea. Maranda was trying to help, but he could see Mary's frustration and panic growing with each cry.
"Maranda, maybe you could give us a minute?" She looked up at Marshall and back at Mary. Anyone could see the tension radiating off of Mary. "Sure, let me just go check on a couple of other patients and then I'll be back, okay?" Maranda smiled encouragingly at Marshall and left them alone.
"Marshall I can't do this, she doesn't want me!"
"Shhh. Mary, it's okay. It may take a little bit for both of you to get the hang of it – all the books say so." He picked Nora up, shushing her. He took his pinky and rubbed her lips. She sputtered a few more weak cries and then began to suckle on his finger." He turned back toward Mary. "She's a calming down so we can try again, just us, okay?"
"Marshall, I don't know?"
"Do you trust me, Mare?"
She looked so scared. She swallowed, "Yeah, yeah I do, Marshall." He smiled back at her. He hoped it looked reassuring and not lecherous. She might be hours out of surgery, but she could still kill him – or at least cause serious harm. His exotic beast was not to be underestimated – she was her most dangerous when she was her most vulnerable.
"I am going to give you back Nora in just a minute. You can hold her head with your right arm and with your left hand gently rub your nipple over her upper lip a couple of times. I'll come around to the other side of the bed to soothe her and help whatever way I can, okay?" She nodded at him and he placed Nora back into her arms, leaving his pinky finger in her mouth as he settled her into the crook of Mary's right arm. "Now use your left hand, Mare, and I'll pull my finger away." He backed away and Nora opened her eyes in surprise at the loss of his finger. "Go ahead, Mare." He watched as Mary did as she had been told, just barely brushing the tip of her nipple over Nora's upper lip. Nora turned her attention from him toward Mary. She smacked her lips, once twice, and latched onto Mary and began to suckle, drawing Mary's nipple further into her mouth. Mary's eye flew open, "Oh!" She looked up at Marshall, "Oh, my god! Marshall! She's doing it – it feels weird and…I can't believe it! She looked back at Nora, "What a good girl!"
Marshall was transfixed. Mary was so happy and Nora looked so clam and peaceful. He felt a tear slid down his face and wiped it away with his sleeve before Mary could notice. He thought his heart might burst.
Maranda came back in about 20 minutes to find Marshall, Mary, and Nora relaxed and happy. Maranda was a little surprised, not many Dads' could calm a skittish mother and help her to nurse successfully, especially a Dad that had seemed so embarrassed to see his wife's bare breast. Check that. No rings, so maybe not married? They seemed to be in sync with each other, though.
"Everything going okay in here?" Maranda asked.
To his astonishment Mary quickly replied to the nurse. "She is doing really well, she just knew what she was doing-it was so easy, well after that first time, but I think that was my fault, I was so unsure what to do, but she knew and she's so hungry!"
Marshall laughed, "She's just like her Mom!"
Mary's stomach growled at that very moment.
He snorted "See! That's my girl!"
Mary smacked his arm with her left hand, "Feed me, Marshall, or I'll have to resort to desperate measures and gnaw on your flesh!"
Maranda laughed along with him. "I think Mary, we can find you something before you have to resort to cannibalism. Maybe even something sweet for dessert?"
"Pie?" Mary's face was hopeful.
"I'll see what I can do!" Maranda chuckled. Maranda turned her focus on him. "What about you Marshall, have you eaten lately? I could order something for you as well. I'll also bring in some sheets for the lounge chair. There are a couple of extra pillows and a blanket in the closet. After you eat, you both should get some rest before Nora's next feeding."
He was hungry, now that he thought about it. "Maybe a sandwich and a slice of pie for me too?"
"Coming right up!"
It was chocolate cream pie. Mary was in heaven. She was so happy she didn't even try to steal Marshall's slice of pie. Nora had fallen asleep and was back in her bassinette by the time Maranda came back with their late night dinner and dessert. Maranda had brought some sheets for Marshall and a set of scrubs for him to change into. After dinner he excused himself to change in the bathroom and came out looking more relaxed and a little less exhausted.
"Pie fixes everything, Marshall!"
He laughed at her exuberance. "YOU are on a sugar high, Mare!"
She could feel it coursing through her, like after the first sip of strong sweet coffee in the morning. But it wasn't just sugar. She felt, something unusual. Happy! My god, she was happy! She smiled at Marshall, "I am happy, Doofus!"
He smiled back, "Me, too. But you won't be in a couple of hours when Nora wakes up again for another round! I know you and you need some sleep, sunshine."
She watched him cross to the lounger. It seemed too far away. "Marshall, could you drag that over closer to my bed?" He looked up in surprise.
"What?"
"It's just that I want you close by." He looked at her funny, had she said something wrong? "You know, Nora will wake up in a few hours and I may need you to help me with her."
"Okay, of course." She watched him rearrange the rolling table and the night stand to make way for the lounger. He pushed it over and left a few feet between the bed and the lounger. "Closer, Marshall, push it right up against the bed here." He paused and then pushed the lounger all the way against her bed. "Is this okay, Mare?"
"Perfect."
Marshall turned out the overhead light and crawled onto the lounger. She could see in the light from the door that it was a few inches too short for him. She snickered. He looked at her and waggled his bare feet and eyebrows at her before flipping the sheet and blanket over his legs.
"I miss my airplane pajamas."
She laughed. "You are such a geek sometimes! Are you going to be okay in that lounge chair?"
"I've slept in worse places, and it's not like I'll be getting much sleep if you keep yammering, Mare."
She reached across the bed and smacked him in the arm.
"Ow!"
"Don't be a girl, Marshall, I barely touched you."
"You're somebody's mother now, Mare. Shouldn't you be all compassionate and gentle?"
She was silent for a minute.
"Mare?"
" I should be shouldn't I? If I want to be a mother…"
Shit. He was tired and it just slipped out. Why had he even joked about something like that! Mary was too quiet.
" I should be shouldn't I? If I want to be a mother…"
If she wants to be, What? Wait! Was she thinking about not…relocating. He took a breath and reached across the bed to find her hand. "Mary, there are as many kinds of mothers as there are women. I've seen you be compassionate and gentle with witnesses a million times when you needed to be. I shouldn't have joked about that and I am sorry. You are a good mother. You were great with Nora tonight." He squeezed her hand. "And it won't be easy, but if you want," he took a deep breath and plunged ahead, "if you want to keep, Nora, to be her mother, you would be a great Mom. And I would help you, whatever you needed."
"I don't know if I can."
"I do." He was firm. "There is nothing that US Marshal Mary Shannon can't do, except maybe her own paperwork." That got him another smack across the arm. He laughed. "Get some sleep, Mare!"