DISCLAIMER: IF I OWN iCARLY, CARLY AND FREDDIE WOULD BE MARRIED BY NOW.
"Oh my God! You're bleeding!" I cried as I watched drops of blood run out of her nose while we were eating our dinner one night. She looked at me, fear evident in her eyes as her hand tried to stop more blood from flowing out.
I immediately stood up and ran towards her, sweeping her off her seat without any hesitation. I carried her towards the parking lot and laid her down at the backseat of the car. She was looking paler and weaker every minute and all I could give her was a kiss on the forehead before speeding up the car until we reached the hospital.
I watched her sleep as I waited for the doctor's diagnosis. She was looking better now. The dark circles under her eyes diminished and her color was slowly returning. She looked so peaceful and I couldn't help but stare at her.
She has always been special to me. And now that we were married, I find myself falling in love with her more. I thought I knew everything about her. We were best friends since we were little and we dated for more than five years. But as time passes by, I discover things about her that would still fascinate me.
"Mr. Benson?" I heard the doctor behind me. I turned to him and he motioned me to follow him outside. I hesitated at first to leave her all alone but when I saw her still sleeping soundlessly, I went out.
"What seems to be the problem?" I asked as soon as I closed the door behind me.
He took a deep breath before breaking the news to me.
"Carly…"
"Hey." She smiled. "When can I go home? I'm bored here."
I smiled at how eager she sounded. "Soon."
She looked directly into my eyes and I watched her frown. "Have you been crying? Your eyes are all red."
"No. I just woke up too." I lied. I couldn't tell her yet. I didn't know how she would take it.
"You suck at lying Fredward Benson."
I didn't respond. Instead, I let the tears flow freely as I held her hand and pressed it against my face. The look she had on her eyes was indescribable at that moment and I couldn't stand to look at her.
"Freddie... What's wrong?"
I sobbed harder. "Leukemia." It was the only word that came out of my mouth and nothing more. I was having a hard time breathing because of the uncontrollable sobs that was taking over. I just closed my eyes, afraid to see how it would break her like it broke me.
"It's okay." she sighed after a long silence. I opened my eyes and looked at her in disbelief. Carly... She really has a way of seeing things in an optimistic light. But this time, it was different.
"It's not okay, Carly!" I yelled at her. I knew I wasn't supposed to do that but how could she take this so lightly? She was sick and yet she was telling me 'it's okay' like it was just some bad cough or colds she acquired.
"It's life... If this is what He has for me, we have to accept it." she paused, "But we'll keep fighting. Just hold on."
I should be the one saying those things to her. But I was never that brave.
"A-aahh." She cried the moment the nurse inserted the needle under her skin. "Please... Stop! No more..." she begged.
My hands were balled in a fist as I watched her cry in pain from the far end of the room. I was leaning against the wall, trying to control myself from stopping the nurse do his thing. She was in chemotherapy and I knew it was supposed to hurt. But seeing her suffer wasn't almost worth it.
"Freddie..." she called my name in between her muffled screams. "Make them stop. Please."
And that was the last straw. I rushed out of the room, leaving her with Sam. It was the most cowardly thing I did in my life all because I was weak. I didn't know where to go. For a moment there, I just wanted to escape, to not be able to hear her cries and see her suffer.
I ran inside the restroom which was rather empty. I splashed my face with the cold water and looked at myself in the mirror. I couldn't even distinguish my tears from the water falling from my cheeks.
"Why?" I whispered to no one. "Why her?"
"I'm sorry to tell you but the therapy isn't working. Her body's not responding to it well." The doctor told me one night while Carly was sleeping.
"What? You made her suffer from this stupid therapy and you're telling me that it's not working? Are you shitting me?" I yelled at him. I tried to control my voice since only a wall was separating us from Carly. I buried my face in my hands and started pacing back and forth. I couldn't think straight and I almost thought I was losing my mind.
"I'm sorry. The therapy can kill cancer cells but it can damage the other organs too. Your wife's nervous system is very weak and if we continue this, it might be the very reason of her de-"
"Shut up!" I grabbed his collar and shoved him against the wall before he finished what he was trying to say. How dare he? How dare he mention that word in front of me?
"Freddie... It won't help." I suddenly felt Sam's hand on my shoulder. I completely forgot she was standing beside me the whole time.
I let go of the doctor's collar and sat on one of the seats outside her room with my face in my hands.
"What can we do? If chemo can't do it, there must be something else we could do." I heard Sam ask.
"There is." he replied professionally. "Bone marrow transplant."
"Freddie…" she whispered one night as she woke up from a long and deep sleep. I never left her side the moment the doctors said she couldn't go home. I hardly even slept for fear of not being awake when she opens her eyes.
"Yes? Do you need anything?" I asked as I closed my fingers around hers.
She suddenly closed her eyes again and a tear fell from her cheek. The sight of her almost killed me. It was as if she was in an immense pain that nothing, not even my love could take away. "What's wrong? What hurts?"
She opened her eyes and looked at our hands. She let out another cry of pain and then it hit me. I was the one hurting her. My touch, it was torturing her. It was becoming worse and worse every second. I couldn't even touch her now without hurting her. It was torture for me too. I wanted to hold her every second, every minute but I couldn't. I wouldn't.
We were still on the search for her match. The transplant needed to be done as soon as possible. The doctors said the chances of finding a match were one in a million. They made it sound like it was impossible. I didn't give up. Sam and Spencer didn't too. We've had every relative of hers tested.
But we were running out of time. She was becoming weaker and weaker everyday.
"I had a dream last night." She smiled at me.
"And what was your dream about?" I asked as I forced myself to smile back at her. I wiped the tear off my face quickly. I couldn't let her see me crying no matter how her situation was affecting me. But she couldn't blame me for showing my true emotion once in a while. Because no matter how strong I was, when it comes to her, I always become weak.
"I saw my mom." She paused as she closed her eyes and smiled. "I've never seen her for a long time. She's really beautiful."
"I wouldn't doubt that. If she gave birth to the most beautiful woman in the world, then she must really be something." I told her.
She smiled perfectly and I thought I'd never see the day when she would blush again like that.
"We were in this beautiful place and everything was perfect. She reached out her hand to me and asked me to come with her. I was about to take her hand when I thought of you. You know what I said to her?" She looked at me and that time, I could no longer hide the tears racing down my cheeks.
"What?" I whispered in between sobs.
"I told her I couldn't leave you yet."
I broke down in tears before her. Even in that condition, she still managed to think about me first before herself. She could have taken the easy way out. She could have reached for her mom's hand and live the life where she could no longer feel any pain. But she didn't. Because of me.
"Carly…" I whispered in between sobs. "Carly, I'm ready…"
I saw her eyebrows furrow in frown and she raised her hand gently to put it on top of mine. She closed her eyes for a second before opening them again. It was hurting her. I could tell. But still, she held my hand to comfort me.
"If your mom visits you again… go with her. Go. You've suffered enough. Don't worry about me. I'm ready." I doubt if she even heard what I just said because when I closed my eyes for a second to blink the tears, she was already sleeping again.
"How could you tell her that?" Sam shouted at me in her lowest possible voice after she found out about her dream. I knew she wanted to strangle me right then and there. She was barely in control and maybe, if Spencer wasn't there, she could have attacked me. But that wasn't my biggest concern.
I didn't answer her. I just looked at her and pleaded with my eyes. We were still in Carly's room and the last thing I wanted was to wake her up.
"What were you thinking?" It was Spencer's turn to nag me. "You couldn't just tell her that you're ready! What about us, huh? What about me? I'm not yet ready to say goodbye to her. You may be her husband but that doesn't give you any right to…"
"Look at her!" I shouted at both of them. "Can't you see how much she's suffering all because of us? Don't you think she's had enough? She doesn't deserve this and I know both of you know that!"
"But…"
"But what, Sam? Carly had been fighting not for her sake but for ours. Because she didn't want to leave us!" I then turned my head to Spencer. "She can only take so much Spencer. She can only take so much…"
When they didn't respond, I knew they understood.
"Freddie…" she whispered again. I smiled at her and ran my fingers through her hair gently. She was more fragile than ever and I was afraid that with one wrong touch, I could break her.
"What is it?" I asked softly.
"Could you…" She was already having a hard time breathing but she continued, "Could you take me out of here? It's been so long since we've watched a sunset together."
I hesitated for a moment. "We'll have to ask your doctors first…"
"Please… for me?" she pleaded weakly.
I sighed. "I'll try my best."
"Thanks for granting my wish, Freddie…" she whispered softly.
"Anything for you."
We sat on the sand while waiting for the sun to set. I wrapped my arms securely around her as she leaned heavily against my body for support. My chin was resting on her hair and her hands were on top of mine, pressing against her stomach. We just remained silent and bathed in each other's presence.
"It's almost time…" I whispered to her and kissed her hair.
We watched the sun sink slowly behind the mountains. A few more seconds, and it was already gone. But the sight was still spectacular. The shades of red it left in the sky were still visible for the eyes to see. The colors would remain for a little bit longer, to give warmth to everyone beneath the horizon. The sun, it would still shine in another part of the world but rest assured that the moment we open our eyes tomorrow morning, it will be there again and we'll know that it was never truly gone.
"I love you Freddie." she mumbled.
I buried my face in her hair and let the tears escape my eyes. "I love you too Carly… I love you too."
She let out one deep breath before she went limp in my arms. I held her close against me and rocked our bodies in a slow rhythm as I watched the darkness take over the sky.
"Carly…" I whispered to her though I knew she couldn't hear me. "Carly, I lied. I wasn't ready… I'll never be."
I've been writing our story ever since and now, it's finally finished. I have no intentions of publishing it but Sam has been bugging me to let her read it as soon as I'm done. I'm still debating on whether I'd let her see it or not.
I closed my journal and grabbed a picture of me and Carly on top of my desk. It has been two years since our toughest battle. Sometimes, I still find myself waking up in the middle of the night from vivid dreams of her. Everything that had happened is something I'll remember for the rest of my life and no matter what happens, it'll always be a part of who I am.
"Freddie..." I heard someone call my name. "Dinner is ready."
I looked at the person standing by the door and smiled. "I'll be down in a few."
"What are you doing anyway?"
I put my journal away and stood up. "Nothing."
"You suck at lying Fredward Benson."
A/N:
What do you think? Is it bad?