I am back with another story that is near and dear to my heart, a story about school anxiety! Anyone who knows me knows I am always worried about something when it comes to school, and studies show I am not alone. 10-40% of all students experience test anxiety, and I wanted to illustrate that by writing about a situation that I had about a year ago. This story also serves as my round two quidditch league fanfic, with the prompts holding your head high, regret, and passion.
"Evans!" James Potter screamed at the redhead as she hurriedly walked by him in the hallway. Normally, Lily would've made a comment to back, or at least stopped, but this time there was nothing. Lily was not having a good day.
"What do you mean I made a Dreadful?" Lily said breathlessly as she stormed into Professor McGonagall's class. Anger radiated in her voice as her face flushed and heart pounded, this had never happened to Lily Evans before.
"I mean," Professor McGonagall said without looking up from her grading, "you made a 50 on your test, you made a dreadful."
"But I can't make dreadfuls, Professor!" Lily stammered as she grabbed the nearest desk for support, she was shaking. Regret filling her as she began to think of everything she could have possibly done wrong.
"And why is that Miss Evans?" The older woman replied as her eyes finally met Lily's.
"Well…" Lily began, not expecting Mcgonigal's question, "well I studied all night, I knew the notes like the back of my hand. And…and I am not the kind of girl that makes dreadfuls Professor, I'm not supposed to. That's not how the world works."
"It happens to every one child." McGonagall said, face finally softening to the young girl.
"No, it doesn't!" Lily practically screamed, caring less that her teacher started showing concern. She wasn't supposed to fail her 4th-year transfiguration exam, that was never in her plans.
"I don't know what to tell you," McGonagall began, "I can't change your grade."
"I know that." Lily snapped at the older women, before realizing what she had said. "I...I just need any advice you can give me, so it never happens again. I would do anything." She looked hesitant, so Lily just followed up with a simple "Please."
The women could refuse, and she knew this. "Here." She said simply as she gestured to a stack of books beside her desk. "Read those for extra credit, and I have would recommend doing it sooner than later."
"Thank you so much!" Lily said, trying not to sound too pitiful.
"Then," McGonagall continued, "next time you are studying I would recommend creating a practice test, or even finding extra questions in a library book. But most of all Miss Evans, I would recommend not thinking you have to do a certain way on an exam to still be you. You can be an amazingly smart girl and not do perfection on an exam or even in a class, that's an awful lot of pressure. The pressure you put on yourself, your anxiety, is most likely the very thing that is keeping you from doing any better. Your mind is clouded when it shouldn't be."
Lily didn't know how to respond, her teacher was so wrong yet so right. Lily had grown up believing that her entire existence was based off a series of grades. That if she wasn't succeeding, who even was she? But most of all, if she wasn't worried about school, who even was she? Her place in this world was to a nervous overachiever, and if she wasn't, then she made herself feel this way. Her life's balance depended on it, her friend's balance depended on it. So McGonagall even suggesting that her anxiety is now keeping her from her success was absurd. Yet, a part of Lily knew at least some of it had to be true.
Her very identity was being tested, the only thing she could say was her own. She was hesitant at first, but she also knew that something had to change. She had another transfiguration exam in a couple of weeks, and there was no way she, or her grade, could take another dreadful. So with a small nod to her teacher, and the new books in her hands, she left with a new determination. She would take McGonagall's advice, she wouldn't be anxious when her next exam came around in a couple of months, and she would see how that worked. Who knows what would happen.
Her friends didn't get it, and she wasn't surprised. She didn't expect them to get it, yet she just hoped they would be a little more accommodating to the idea. They were not.
The girls in her dorm didn't understand the big deal, none of them has ever had this problem. It really just made Lily roll her eyes. They really had no clue, what it was like.
Severus was very mas at first, and when she told him he stormed off from anger. "Lily Evans, not worrying for a test, who does McGonagall think she is?" Was his exact response, which only served her a feeling of dread in her stomach. But who did Severus think he was, he didn't even have to look over his notes to do well on an exam? He never got test anxiety, he never had a panic attack before getting a multiple choice test, and he definitely never got sick from nerves before a final. He only thought Lily was supposed to be anxious because that was how she always was, never stopping to think that maybe that was bad for her.
James, on the other hand, believed her to be joking, claiming that not caring wasn't all it cracked up to be. He apparently also made a dreadful on the last Transfiguration test. This was after, quote, "not giving a shit." But his words didn't discourage Lily either, she had read in her countless books on de-stressing that there was a difference between not caring and being calm. James was suffering from just not caring, lord knows that was never going to be Lily's case. Lily just needed to work on being calm. Simple as that.
One small thing, it was easier said than done.
She began her prep for her next transfiguration test about a month before, and it started with the review guide. She completed the said review guide before most of her classmates had even started. From there, she proceeded to do every question again, and again. After that she turned to the extra credit books, she read them, then completed over 5 different practice tests. She was as prepared as she could be.
She felt so prepared that her nerves were able to calm a little, but the process of remaining like that was harder than she imagined. It required constant effort to not have a panic attack, but she succeed. She took the test and felt okay about it. It wasn't until she got her results that her mind was made.
"Outstanding." Was all McGonagall said.
"What?" Lily asked, confused.
"That's what you made, an outstanding." McGonagall said, eyes twinkling.
"You're joking." Lily replied sharply, eyes narrowing.
"See for yourself." The older women proceeded to hand Lily her test back, one with a big Outstanding on the front in red pen ink. She gasped, tears pricking her eyes. She had done it, she had succeeded.
"I am so proud of you Miss Evans. You were able to deal with your past mistakes gracefully with your head held high. I was reminded of the passion one can harbor for success these past couple weeks, reminding me to never doubt your, or anyone's, determination. Thank you"
Lily didn't know what to say, or what to do, but she knew one thing. The feeling she had of pride, accomplishment, and love, she never wanted to let them go.