A/N: My first attempt at a humor fic. It's a little serious in the beginning, but then it becomes about the humor, as in my attempts at it
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or the Akatsuki; however, Ookami is my character
Chapter 1: Enter the New Guy
It was a bright sunny day, or at least it was, until the man walking along got near the border of Amegakure. The man had long, dark hair, and was wearing a cloak, hiding most of his body from sight. He had on a bamboo hat, keeping most of his face in shade.
"Hmm... well, if I just go up, and ask to see him, I doubt I'd get very far. I'll just have to sneak in," the man thought to himself. The man did something to make a small bird appear, then did something else to make it large, sat atop it, and flew over the village, up in the clouds, where he could not be easily seen.
In Akatsuki's main HQ, Pein was about to eat his lunch when he sensed something.
"Hmm... it felt like something in the sky. Felt like one of Deidara's birds... damn it, I told him to make sure he told me before taking it upon himself to leave!" Pein thought to himself, until a certain blond walked into the kitchen.
"Oh, Leader-sama, looks like you beat me in here, un," replied the missing Iwa-nin.
"Wait, if you're here... Deidara, forget lunch, someone has infiltrated the village, and they're on their way here. Get everyone ready, while I prepare our defenses," spoke Pein.
Deidara alerted the rest of the Akatsuki, while Pein went to his secret chamber to gather his other bodies, not knowing if he would need them or not.
"Well, the fuck must have balls of steel to come here!" shouted Hidan.
"Didn't think anyone would bother coming here," muttered Kakuzu.
"Tobi wants to help! What can Tobi do?"
"Shut the fuck up! That's what you can do!" shouted Hidan.
"Think it might be that foolish brother of yours?" Kisame asked of Itachi.
"If it is, he's taken his foolishness to a new level," replied Itachi.
"He, this is like ordering take out!" spoke Zetsu.
"This better be over with quick..." muttered Sasori.
"I want to have some fun with this one, un," replied Deidara.
"I just scouted the area; it's only one person, on a bird that resembles on of your creations, Deidara," spoke Konan.
"No kidding? Now I really want to have fun with this one, un," replied Deidara.
"Alright, I'll take the lead on this one. I haven't had a good fight in a while," spoke Pein (Yahiko's body). The other Peins smiled.
The stranger arrived on the balcony of the hideout. He took a look around.
"Hmm... that was a little too easy. I would think they would have made this a little more difficult," thought the man, as he tapped on the door, then ran aside, expecting some kind of attack. One never came, though.
"Gah, don't tell me they're out on some kind mission. That would really ruin my day. Bad enough it's pouring rain out here," muttered the man, as he went to the door to see if it was open. It was, and he entered. He took a look around.
"Anybody home? I have something of interest for you," spoke the man. The door suddenly closed and locked itself.
"You have two seconds before we kill you where you stand!" came a voice.
"Very well," spoke the man, as he held his left hand up, a ring bearing 空 (void) on his pinky finger.
"Where did you get that from?" asked the voice.
"I stole it from a snake. Now that I have your attention, I'd like to request to join your organization, Akatsuki," spoke the man.
"You would, would you? Why shouldn't we just kill you, and take our ring back?" asked the voice.
"What good is a ring with no one to wear it?" asked the man. He was answered with a kunai thrown at him. The kunai went through his left eye, and out the back of his head. The man stood stunned, and fell to the ground, turning into clay.
"A nendo bunshin, un?" spoke another voice.
"You know, those things are a pain to make," spoke the man, as he walked up, looking down. "Straight through the eye? You sure know how to greet a person. You have any idea how much trouble I went through finding this damn place? Geez, give me a break, eh?" spoke the man.
"No more bunshin," spoke the first voice.
"No more shadows. You guys can come out. It's not like I could actually beat all of you. Hell, I'd have a hard time with more than one of you," spoke the man. The lights came on, and the Akatsuki appeared before the man.
"What is your name?" asked Pein.
"Ookami. I came from Kirigakure," replied the man. He removed his hat, revealing a scratched Kiri hitai-ate.
"From Kiri, eh?" asked Kisame.
"It blows, there, you know. Everyone calls me a freak, the Mizukage is a jerk, and the new Seven Swordsmen are a bunch of pansies I could kill with my hands tied behind my back," replied Ookami.
"Funny, you don't look like a freak to me," replied Kisame.
"Oh?" said Ookami, as he raised his hands. They bore mouths on them, and there were a series of holes around his wrist.
"What are you, Deidara's lost brother?" asked Kakuzu.
"Hmm... I dunno. My family was from Iwagakure, but for reasons unknown to me, they left for Kiri. My parent's were lost during the attempted coup d'état on the Mizukage. I never could ask them why, though I think it might have something to do with the actions of a certain terrorist," replied Ookami.
"What's that supposed to mean, un?" asked Deidara.
"Everyone with your talents is feared in Iwa. Not that we're welcomed anywhere else. Once my parents bit the dust, being killed by some kiri-nin who took out their frustrations on us, I was tortured and ridiculed by the villagers. Once I got the chance, I left the dump behind. I'd have blown it to bits, if I could have," explained Ookami.
"How did you get the ring? Did you kill Orochimaru?" asked Sasori.
"Nah, I didn't kill the snake. Oh, how I wish I did. Hmm... I'll just give you my history. You can use that to judge if I'm worthy of joining, fair enough?" asked Ookami.
"Tobi likes stories!"
"Well... good for Tobi. Anyway, after I left the village, I trained myself in the explosive arts. I heard a lot about Deidara, and his art. That's how I learned what these were mouths were for. I developed my clay, and practiced left and right. I practiced infusing my chakra with different substances. I had great success with water, works like a flame thrower. Ah, what a fun day that was. Some kids were making a snow man. They thought they would make fun of me. I thought I could make explosive snow balls, right? I know, dumb, but I figured it was worth a shot. Naturally, the snow melted, and after I infused my chakra, I ended up spewing out fire. I was surprised, but I had fun melting that snowman to the ground! He he. Anyways, I heard about Deidara joining the Akatsuki. After hearing of his exploits, I desperately wanted to join. I figured if I was lucky enough, I might even be able to give Kiri a black eye. Then I learned of a member who left, Orochimaru. I tried to approach him, asking what he knew. I almost got my ass killed right then and there. I decided to keep tabs on him, as he was my only link. That led me to Konoha, and their chunin exams from a few years ago. That was where I learned something about a potential flaw in our art. There was this guy who could shoot air out of his palms. The holes were blocked during a fight, and his arms exploded. I was shocked at the sight. I happened to pick up one of his hands, and noticed the pipes running through them. It gave me an idea. I put tubes in my wrist, hooked up to my hands. If they get plugged up, somehow, there is a release for the artful flames. I can even do this intentionally, leading to my Kaken no Jutsu (Fire Fist Technique). I continued to pursue the snake. I moved to strike after his failed invasion of Konoha, but his body guards caught me. Deciding not to give up, I approached again. Conveniently enough, his body guards were gone. I made my way into his base. I got past his assistant, and entered one of his labs. That's where I found a hand, and this ring, here, attached to it. I meant to kill Orochimaru, but then I heard his assistant. Apparently, the snake switched into a new body, and he wanted to try it out with... grr... this sends shivers up my spine every time I think about it... he wanted to play naked twister with his assistant. I thought I misheard, and moved to strike... you can't get those mental images out once they get in. I ran out of their base, and screamed obscenities once I was clear. I found some of your ame nin later on, muttering about men in black cloaks with red clouds. I remember being told that was your outfit, and gathered information out of them. They told me I would find "god" in the highest point of the village. That led me here, and well, here I am," explained Ookami.
"Did those tubes hurt?" asked Deidara.
"It hurt like Hell. I know a little medical jutsu, and was able insert the tubes myself, but it hurt like a son of a bitch," replied Ookami.
"Well, I'm not sure I'm convinced about your story, but tell me, what do you have to offer to us?" asked Pein.
"Well, I have my exploding art, my Kaken based taijutsu, some kenjutsu, and the wolf summoning contract," explained Ookami.
"Hmm... sounds like a competent Deidara, though he didn't kill the snake," muttered Sasori.
"If you saw what I saw, wouldn't have killed him either!" shouted Ookami.
"Fine, let me discuss this with my partner," spoke Pein, as he and Konan walked away.
"Can Tobi join! I want to talk about him joining!"
"No, Tobi," replied Pein.
"But I want to! I want to, I want to, I want to! Tobi is a good boy! I want to talk about him..."
"Enough! Fine, just keep your trap shut," spoke Pein. Tobi joined Pein and Konan.
"Who let him join?" asked Ookami.
"I swear to Jashin, he was fucking high when he let him join," replied Hidan.
"At least we can have a few minutes of peace and quiet. Let him enjoy his little 'mistake,'" replied Kakuzu, while smiling behind his mask.
In Pein's office, the trio were discussing Ookami.
"Did you have to be like that?" asked Pein.
"I had to be convincing. I'm not ready for them to know the truth yet," spoke Tobi, as Madara.
"Honestly, how can you stand yourself?" asked Konan.
"As long as I've lived, I've learned to let loose. Besides, life's more entertaining that way. Now, about this Ookami. He did get our ring back. I can tell it's ours from the chakra signature. A summoning contract could be useful. If we find unsealed bijuu, he could use those summons against them," replied Madara.
"So, you want him in?" asked Pein.
"Hai, I want him in. Put him with Deidara. I think they're explosive talents would blend well. I'll work with Sasori," replied Madara.
"That's cruelty to puppets, but sure. I'll do that. Just try not to annoy Sasori too much. He bitches enough as is... impatient little bastard..." muttered Pein.
After several minutes, the three emerged.
"You're in," replied Pein.
"Tobi convinced him! Tobi's a good boy!"
"Uh... thanks Tobi?" replied Ookami.
"Ookami, I'm going to pair you with Deidara. As for Sasori, you'll now be working with Tobi," replied Pein.
"Hell no! Are you fucking kidding me! I'm rather hop in an incinerator than work with him!" shouted Sasori.
"This isn't up for debate!" shouted Pein. Sasori went silent. "Ookami, you can have Orochimaru's old room. Here's your cloak. Now, go get settled in. Ookami headed off to find Oro's old room.
"Alright, you guys know the drill, so what's it going to be?" asked Pein.
"Tobi says we put a bucket of water over his door!"
"Don't you have a better idea than that? I say I use one of my puppets to scare him," spoke Sasori.
"How about I eat him? I promise to spit him back out," spoke Zetsu's white side.
"I hate spitting them up after swallowing them," spoke Zetsu's black side.
"I say we cut his fucking side open," spoke Hidan, "Kakuzu can always stitch him up.
"How about we steal all his money?" asked Kakuzu.
"What fuck is it with you and fucking money!? Can't you think of anything else, you blasphemous old fuck?" asked Hidan. Kakuzu flicked off Hidan.
"How about I jump him when he comes out?" spoke Kisame.
"I could..."
"No Itachi, no genjutsu! I'm not cleaning vomit off the floor again!" shouted Sasori.
"I have one, here's what we're going to do..." spoke Pein.
Ookami found Orochimaru's old room. He was scared at the sight. There were several dolls on a shelf, all naked, and pictures of young children. There was a pile of snake skin in a corner. Ookami put all the contents in a heap, let his hands chug some water, and burned everything. He pulled out a large scroll, and unsealed his belongings. Some clothes, his mass of weapons, three large buckets of clay, his Icha Icha collection, and a picture of a certain kunoichi that caught his eye on a mission.
"Ah yes, and then there's this. I hope he'll appreciate it," spoke Ookami to himself. He walked off to the living area.
"Oh, hi Leader-sama, I don't suppose you could introduce everyone to me? I only know Deidara and Kisame," asked Ookami.
"Sure, everyone assemble in the living area!" shouted Pein. Everyone gathered.
"Okay, that's Zetsu, our spy and body disposal specialist. That's Hidan, a devout Jashinist, and his partner Kakuzu. Kakuzu is the oldest person on our team, and is Akatsuki's treasurer. He has a lot of combat experience, so don't be afraid to ask him for tips, just don't piss him off, or you'll get your head cut off. Next to him is Deidara, who you know. Next to him is Sasori, known as Akasuna no Sasori in Sunagakure; he's a Kugutsu no Jutsu expert. He himself is a puppet, as well. Then there is Tobi who... helps... sometimes... Then there's Kisame, who you know already. His partner is Uchiha Itachi; he killed off the Uchiha clan, except his brother, and is a genjutsu master. Last, but not least is my lovely partner, Konan. She uses Origami no Jutsu, and if you try to make a move on her, you will die. Whatever is left of you will have to deal with me. There is myself, of course. My techniques are none of your business, and I am the current head of the organization, founded by Uchiha Madara after his fight with the Shodaime Hokage at the Valley of the End in Hi no Kuni," explained Pein.
"Ah, okay, arigatou!" Spoke Ookami, as he took a seat. Everyone else walked off.
"So, Leader-sama, is Konan your girl, or something?" asked Ookami.
"Yeah, what about it?" asked Pein.
"Just curious. Relax, I'm not going to hit on her or anything. Last thing I want to do is piss off anyone. So, uh... where's the kitchen?" asked Ookami.
"Over there, food's in the fridge. Take it easy, because it has to last for another couple of days," spoke Pein, as he began reading a book.
Ookami walked into the kitchen, and saw Pein in there as well.
"Uh... Leader-sama? Weren't you... never mind," muttered Ookami, as he searched the fridge. "Hey, how old is this piece of meat?"
"Leftovers from last night, help yourself," replied Pein, while fixing himself a ham and cheese sandwich. Ookami heated it up, and left to eat in is room. Pein was sitting the table eating his lunch. On his way, Ookami bumped into someone.
"Oh, sorry, wasn't looking... Leader-sama? What happened to your sandwich?" asked Ookami.
"What sandwich? And what where you're walking!" shouted Pein. Ookami went into his room, and noticed someone in there.
"Burnt his old stuff, eh?" asked the person in his room. Ookami recognized him.
"Leader-sama... uh... you... hallway... now room... kitchen..." muttered Ookami.
"Can't complete sentences? Geez, maybe I should just take that ring back, and let you go," spoke Pein.
"No, I'm fine... perfectly fine. Just need to go use the bathroom..." spoke Ookami.
Ookami went into his bathroom, glad his room had it's own. He quickly noted the room was occupied.
"Knock first!"
"Sorry, Leader-sama!" shouted Ookami, as he walked out.
"Wait a second, weren't you in there?" asked Ookami.
"Are you okay?" asked Pein. Ookami opened the door to his bathroom again.
"What the fuck!? You like seeing men take a shit!? You sick fuck, close the fucking door!" shouted Pein. Ookami closed the door, and looked at the Pein in his room. He ran out of the room, ran past another Pein, and saw another on the couch, and another in the kitchen. Deidara was making himself lunch in the kitchen.
"Hey, Deidara, I have something for you!" shouted Ookami, "but first, tell me, where is Leader-sama?"
"Uh, he's right there, having his sandwich, un," replied Deidara.
"Okay. The item is in my room. Let's go and grab it," spoke Ookami.
"Yeah, sure," replied Deidara.
As the two walked along, Ookami saw the Pein who was on the couch.
"Um... who's that?" asked Ookami.
"Leader-sama. I told you he was on the couch reading, un," replied Deidara.
"Right..." muttered Ookami. They got to his room. That Pein was still there.
"Deidara... wasn't he on the couch?" asked Ookami.
"Couch? I told you he was looking over your room to see what you did with Oro's stuff. He placed a bet with Kakuzu on what you did with it, un. Don't you listen?" asked Deidara.
Ookami stood still, thought his situation over. Something snapped in his head, and he screamed loudly, before slamming his head against the wall. He passed out after giving himself a concussion.
"Ha, told you it wouldn't take that long! You owe me fifty bucks!" shouted Kakuzu, as if instinctively summoned upon hearing the thud from Ookami's body hitting the ground.
"Damn, alright, here," replied Deidara.
After a couple hours, Ookami woke up. He had a bad headache, but was fine otherwise.
"Uh... I need a beer..." muttered Ookami, as he walked towards the kitchen. The Six Paths of Pein were waiting for him.
"Oh Kami!" shouted Ookami, as he passed out again.
"What did I say? That's another twenty, Deidara!" shouted Kakuzu.
"Damn, I thought a fellow explosive artist couldn't be rattled so easily..." muttered Deidara, as he handed the money over. Tobi had some smelling salt he used to revive Ookami.
"Tobi is a good boy! He woke you up!"
"Uh, thanks Tobi... okay... there's six of him... please tell me I'm still dreaming," spoke Ookami.
"You're not," spoke Pein (Yahiko's body), "I have six bodies. That's my technique. Welcome to the Akatsuki."
"Oh, okay... anything else I should know?" asked Ookami.
"No," spoke Itachi.
"You know enough," replied another Itachi. Ookami fainted again.
"Told you it would work," Itachi said, as he dispelled his clone, "that's thirty, Kakuzu."
"Fuck..." muttered Kakuzu, as he handed the money over.
"And I thought you didn't have a sense of humor, un," spoke Deidara. Itachi said nothing as he sat in front of the TV, searching for something to watch.
A/N: Ookami's name isn't accidental, either. Ookami, written as 狼, means wolf. And he has the wolf summoning contract. Makes sense, right? Hope you all enjoy this story. This is my secondary fic; Warriors of the Leaf takes priority over this one. If people like this one, I'll be more motivated to continue it. Read and Review! Or I'll sic my wolves on you!