Quatre R. Winner and Other Warped Fairy Tales™
By: JC Maxwell-Yuy
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JC: Ohayo!
Solo: Welcome to the Wonderful World of Warped Fairy Tales™!
JC: But yet, still I don't own anything, not the GW characters, nothing.
Solo: It's so sad though…
JC: What is?
Solo: The… the… WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
JC: I need a new muse.
Solo: WHAT? (chases JC)
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JC: And now here's our first parody of a hand game!
Quatre R. Winner
My name is Quatre R. Winner,
I live in a mansion.
My father died in an explosion,
My mother died giving birth.
My sisters stalked my boyfriend,
His name is T. Barton.
They made me do the dishes,
They made me do the floors,
They made me do their gross panties so I kicked them out the door.
I turned into ZERO,
I kicked them to L-5.
I destroyed them all with my Sandrock,
And that's why the heir is ME!
JC: Wow… talk about issues.
Solo: He looks so innocent.
Quatre: My sisters… they must be… eliminated for what they did to me! (runs off wearing a frilly pink dress) Oh CURSE MY BEAUTIFUL LOOKS!
JC: If you ask me, he's a bit vain. And now it's time for…
Miss Relena's Great Adventure to Never-Never Land
Once upon a time in a land so far away, there was a girl named Relena, but everyone called her Miss Relena.
One day, while venturing through the woods, she came upon a cottage, of which she stole some porridge from. She then sat down on a conveniently placed tuffet and started eating. Then along came a Heero spider and sat down beside her. Miss Relena got up and grabbed the spider, calling it cute.
The spider didn't find this blonde human amusing and bit her, then ran off to find a very large bottle of mouthwash. Miss Relena ran back home, claiming that she had pricked her finger on a spinning wheel and would die on her sixteenth birthday.
She then fainted in the garden, tears running down her cheeks and ruining her mascara. Her fairy godmother, Dorothy appeared and turned a squash and five cockroaches into a horse drawn carriage complete with man-slaves.
Relena was driven to the local palace ball still unconscious. She was then dumped unceremoniously on the palace steps and left there just as Wufei-rella ran away from Prince Treize at the stroke of midnight.
Wufei-rella didn't look where he was going and lost a glass slipper when the heel got lodged up the unconscious Miss Relena's nose.
Unfortunately for Prince Treize, it took him a good two hours to get the bugars and other unmentionable snot off of the heel before going off to search for his mystery 'girl/date/boy-dressed-in-drag-for-the-sake-of-insanity™'. Needless to say, Relena was tossed aside into the nearby spooky woods along with the rest of the royal kitchen slop and caterer trash.
When our little Miss Relena woke up, she wandered the woods until she bumped into a peddler with severe braids and glasses. The peddler got upset and practically shoved a bright red apple down Miss Relena's throat, causing her to be put into a deep sleep.
"Oh DRAT! And that was for Princess Lucrezia Noin and those damn blasted Chibis!" the peddler screamed for a good ten minutes since her only poison apple was now gone. As a consolation, she robbed Miss Relena of her skipping rope and money, and cast a 'poor' spell over her.
The 'poor' Miss Relena was eventually found by a group of very old scientists J, G, S, H, and O. They took the 'sleeping' Miss Relena to their little hut on a desert isle where no one ever heard from them again.
And the Heero spider went up the spout again.
Solo: What was that?
JC: Not one of the better ones, I'm afraid.
Heero: Why am I the spider?
JC: …
Heero: Why? Why? YOU MUST TELL ME!
JC: (slaps Heero's back) There was one on your back.
Heero: Oh. (falls unconscious)
Solo: I think you hit him a tad too hard.
JC: Oops, that's the two hundredth and second time.
Solo: Yeah, you did it again.
JC: Should I call an ambulance?
Solo: Nah, he'd probably hijack it like the last forty or so.
Zechs-ohontas
There was a beautiful Indian prince named Zechs-ohontas. Now Zechs-ohontas liked to jump off waterfalls and cliffs, so one day…
"GGGGEEEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOONNNNNNIIIIIIIIMMMMMMOOOOOO…. Wait, what am I saying? The guy wasn't even born yet!" Zechs-ohontas spent the last ten seconds of his life deciding what to yell before he hit the ground and was later pronounced dead.
Dead? Hardly. When Zechs-ohontas woke up, he found himself kissing a frog. The frog changed into a very angry Miss Relena and several fans waving signs that said 'Incest is WRONG!'
By the time Zechs-ohontas ran the Indiana 500, he was exhausted. So then he went to London and married the King.
King Wufei and his lovely Queen Treize were VERY happy with this new addition to the family be… er… line.
Solo: Now that was just demented!
JC: I'm on a bad streak, so sue me.
Solo: You have nothing I want.
JC: How true. So anyway, who are we torturing next?
Solo: Sally.
JC: Sally Po, TALLY HO!
There Was a 'Little' Girl, Who…
There was a little girl,
who had big croissant curls,
on either side of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very, very, good.
When she got provoked,
SHE BLEW THINGS UP!
And when she was happy,
ALL THE LIPSTICK AND EYELINER AT THE MALL GOT MARKED ½ OFF!
And yes, when she was bad…
Oh, god, words cannot describe her…
HORRID BED-HEAD HAIR™ IN THE MORNING!
Solo: You were kidding about that 'Tally ho!' thing, right?
JC: I don't even … let's just say I'd rather not talk about WHY I even said it.
Solo: It was that 'Taily Po' story, wasn't it?
JC: I didn't think that Sally would want her tail cut off and eaten by some strange man.
Sally: You're darn right! I'm MUCH too good for that.
Solo: I see where you get the horrid part from.
JC: Yep.
I LOVE DOROTHY!
"DOROTHY! YOU GOT SOME 'SPLAININ' TO DO!"
JC: Short, but really lame.
Solo: So those oldies TV shows ARE good for SOMETHING.
JC: Aa… well, that's the end of this chapter…
Heero: I'm going to make sure this is the only chapter.
JC: Guess Hee-chan doesn't like it. Oh well, I just LLLOOOOOVVVVEEEEEEE 2x1 fics…..
Heero: (blanches) On second thought, I love this fic!
JC: (thinks) Should I?
Solo: Give the guy a break.
JC: …
Windmill Syndrome
Once upon a time… there was a boy named Heero who worked at a flourmill. One fateful day, a beautiful braided, yet baka boy named Duo came to the mill for some flour.
"Oh miller! Oh miller! Give me flour, for I must bake a cake!" Duo called through the door.
"Hn. Just don't add too much baking powder." Heero said and grabbed Duo's butt as payment for the flour.
"EEP! OK, perverted miller, I will never come back again!" Duo said and pranced away, spilling flour everywhere.
The next day…
"Oh miller! Oh miller! I didn't listen to you! I added to much baking powder and now my cake is ruined! Give me some flour, for I must bake another cake!" Duo called through the door.
"Hn. Just don't add gunpowder, or it will explode." Heero said and groped Duo as payment for the flour.
"EEP! You sick, perverted miller, I will never come back again!" Duo sang and twirled away, sprinkling flour all over the daisies.
The next day…
"Oh miller! Oh miller! I didn't listen to you! My house blew up last night; I don't know what to do! Now I am homeless, may I please sleep with you?" Duo called through the door.
"Hn." Heero pulled Duo inside, thus solving Quatre and Trowa's 'why won't my daisies grow problem™'.
JC: …
Solo: I am never going near a windmill again.
JC: You said it.
Solo: …
JC: Well…
Heero: Flour is a terrible lubricant.
JC: (sweatdrops) Gross! You did NOT have to share.
Heero: Hn. (licks frosting off his fingers) Duo is good covered in frosting.
Solo: Now that you can share with all of us.
JC: … Well, this is the end, for now… I hope… I guess…
Solo: You mean you don't want to hear about the frosting?!
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JC: I know, I know, it sucked.
Solo: JC LOVE FEEDBACK.
JC: Yep! I love it when you people tell me what you think or like about my work because then I feel inspired to write more for you!
Solo: See you next time!