The White Knight Archetype
Description - Set immediately after the events of the episode "Hard Out" Season 5, Episode 8. Other authors have explored this topic, and I thought I'd give it a try too. I like the challenge of trying to write in a male voice, but I never get it absolutely right because I find it difficult to work out what Michael thinks about and what he doesn't think about as compared with what he says and the thoughts he never expresses.
Fiona is angry, hurt and miserable. I've known her long enough to be able to tell when she's upset and I honestly care that she's not happy. We both suffer through dinner with Mom and Benny and we pretend that everything is fine. However everything is not fine because I left Fiona alone to face something terrible, something I didn't realise she wasn't able to handle by herself. I drive us home and she shows no interest in speaking to me.
"Fi do you want to talk about what happened?" I prod.
"No" she says shortly.
When we arrive at the loft she shuts herself in the bathroom. I hear retching and realise she's throwing up. I take a risk and enter because experience has taught me that with Fiona it is always better to do something than to do nothing. She's kneeling with her head over the toilet and I kneel beside her and hold her hair back. She stays in the same position for a few minutes then she wipes her mouth, flushes the toilet and gets to her feet.
"I'm going to take a shower Michael" she tells me. That's my cue to leave. I wander around the loft while I wait for her to finish, then when she comes out I go in to take a shower too. As I stand under the water I think about what I'm going to say and how I'm going to fix this. I abandoned her when she needed me, and in doing so she was left to compromise her ethics to get the information I needed. She's angry and nauseated because I let her complete an assignment I should have done myself. After I towel myself dry, I dress myself in sweatpants and a t-shirt and carefully plan my approach. This is a delicate situation and I can't afford to screw up. Fi's sitting on the bed applying moisturiser to her hands. She makes no attempt to speak to me. I go to our sparse kitchen and begin preparing a pot of tea in Fi's favourite kettle. Back when I first met Fiona and we started dating, she gave me detailed instructions on the correct way to prepare tea and I concentrated on everything she said. I pour tea for both of us and place a spoon next to each cup. I look up to see that she's watching me from the bed. I sit down on one of the stools at the bench.
"Will you join me?" I invite. She waits a moment, but then she walks over and takes her place opposite me. She picks up her cup and blows on it gently. "Fi I know you're upset" I tell her. "And I have some idea why but I don't know the whole story. If you truly don't want to talk about it I will accept that. But I want to help you and I think in order to do that I need to know everything that happened." I watch as she replaces her cup on the bench. She sighs and stirs her tea with the spoon I'd laid out for her.
"Michael what happened isn't your fault" she tells me. "But I'm angry with you and with myself because I did something I swore I would never do. And I did it for you, which is worse than doing it for myself."
"What did you do?" I ask her.
"As you know, Sam and I did the job for Armand in return for the information on the bomber. What you don't know is when I went to see him and drop off the truck, he told me that the theft of the truck had caused one of his rivals to be killed by a Mexican cartel. The man had pre-sold the cargo we had stolen, and when he couldn't deliver, they killed him.
"Armand was deliberately being cruel to you" I say.
"Yes" she confirms.
"Because he would have preferred sex as payment instead of your armed robbery skills"
Fiona doesn't say anything for a while. "He didn't like it when I broke things off with him" she says quietly. "I suspect that he was serious about me in a way he had rarely been serious about anyone else. He thought I was like him."
I think back to when I was first sent to Ireland on assignment. When I first set eyes on Fiona Glenanne's file I had thought she was beautiful. Then while reading the text which accompanied the photograph I had realised she was also very dangerous. As I worked with her, got to know her and eventually began sleeping with her, I saw the real Fiona. Loyal, brave, smart and ruthless she was feminine and exciting and she didn't hide her real character from me. But I, like Armand and other men in Fiona's life had also started out my time with her believing she was probably a manipulative sociopath.
"He wanted me to feel degraded, and he succeeded" Fiona explains.
"It will never happen again" I tell her. "I would rather go to prison than have you anywhere near him"
"I know Michael." She gives me a weak smile. "But sometimes life gets in the way. I thought I could handle this Michael. I didn't think it would be that bad. Besides, I thought that you'd want to hear about my past boyfriends about as much as I want to hear about your girlfriends. It was awkward and complicated."
"I didn't ask more questions" I state
"I wanted you to ask about him" she admits "but at the same time I didn't want you to know because I could see no other way of getting the bomber information"
"I am truly sorry Fiona" I tell her
"Me too"
"I hate to see you in pain"
"We are both under stress at the moment Michael"
We sit quietly for a few minutes and think our own thoughts as we continue to drink our tea. I know Fiona well enough to understand that we are not finished yet.
"Michael when I first met you I wanted to be like you. You were capable and violent but you were idealistic and you weren't angry like I was. I liked you because of that"
"I want to protect you Fi"
"I want to protect you too" she tells me.
"Did you really want to be like me?" I ask incredulously. "I remember thinking 'Wow, this woman is so confident she doesn't even need me' and then you told me you wanted me."
"I never told you I wanted you" Fiona says with a grin. I smile back at her. But I remember that we are not finished yet.
"Fi I hate that I hurt you. Next time please tell me everything" I ask.
"But Michael there was no other way" she tells me. With those simple words I'm reminded of my mother. My mother who put herself and her boys through hell because she thought there was no other way.
"There is always another way Fiona" I tell her. "We could have discussed it. I would have found another solution."
"I know" She gets up, walks around the bench and kisses me on the cheek. "Come on. We're both tired. It's time for bed"
I leave the teacups on the bench and hope that I've somehow made things right again.
Fi climbs into bed and I turn off the lights. I want to touch her but I don't know if she wants that. I reach out tentatively.
"Will you rub my shoulders?" she asks. I relax.
"Of course" I answer.
I can feel how tense she is and I want her to feel comfortable with me and contented enough to sleep. I position us so I can rub her back. Her skin is soft and she smells like tea and scented moisturiser and Fiona. She lets out a small sigh, so I must be doing a good job. I want her to drift off to sleep and I try to make my ministrations soothing. After a while she seems better, so I place a soft kiss on her head and pull her back up against me. I wish I could always keep her safe in my arms.