Hello everyone, it's the one and only Emperor Cerventes, and boy is it good to be back here to deliver the long awaited sequel to an old standard. I originally wrote this two years ago so theres a few references that seem a bit old, but I spruced it up with some events from the modern era. This has more contemporary topics than a other fanficitons and deals with a lot, including some clever political humor, so hold onto your horses and get ready for the wildside.
Warhammer 40k: The Fourteenth Faction
"TIDUSSSSSSSS!"
Yuna awoke with a start. She was unsure of where she was doing, but the memories came like a floodshower. All of the characters from Final Fantasy had become the 13th faction in Warhammer 40k, and her lover was killed in the battle when an ork transformed into Sepheroth using powers. Nukes had been able to kill the orks in the end, but many were lost in the spitfire...
"General Cloud Strife, current calculations have our airship on track to make the second rendevouz" admiral cid of the airsheep fleet treknobabbled, but the general had bigger things on his mind. The battle against the orks was deadlycost many lives and limbs. Would they be able to win another? Would they ever get back to their own lives?
Sloud's thought was cut off when suddenyly one of the airhips in the fleet burst into flames! "Emergency Manouvers, EMERGAAAARRRRZKADG" a pilot bloodgargled as his airship was incinerated by an airmissile. Admiral Cid and General Strife performed and emergency landgin with thairship and commanded the rest of the fleet down as well. There were casualtiess, but this was a warhammer battle and most of the people got out of the ships before they exploded, so not bad right?
"Who could have broken geneva and commited atrocities?" Tiffa Clouds girlfriend queeroed the Gods, but the question answered when a boomer laugh emitted from all around.
"Hahaha, you foolish soulmortals. It is I, Emperor Shadowbush, leader of the fourteenth faction" The ex-presidented as the truth was revealed: Republicans were the 14th faction of Warhammer 4000. Everyone was shocked by the implications, evern squall cracked a grin for once, what a show.
General Strife was wary of thr chances, but he knew it was the only bet. "Then it is settled. A war between the thirteenth and fourteenth factions. A war to decide."
Warpig.
In the fronts of the warline, heats were gearing up. Since Tiducs was sacrificed to defeat the orks in the last battle it was up to Vaan from Final Fantasy XIII to take the place on the frontline and command the fighters. Along were Firion from II, Squall from 8, Cecil from Iv, Kimhari from X, and others were around for the count. It was quite a show, but not the type you see on tv. This was paperview, and the cost wasn't credit cards, it was blood.
"Yo-kay everyone, heres our dealio" Vann femenized to his command. "General Cloud Strife and ViceGeneral Auron put me in charge of this bunch, so we're going to give it the all and show those crack-servatives (AN: Ir's clever to all who are in) what we're maid offfghjrghjark" Vaan coughed up half of his deathcount. Unfortunately, he was too girly to wear a shirt, and a repiblican undercoverer had stabbed him with a swordica! (like a swatzica, because Republicans are nazis in disguise, just ask Bill Pullman!) Everyone was shocked, but Squall make good use of his gunblade, sliceshooting the spy into halves and taking control of the situation.
"Okay everyone, this looks like I've been left in chain of command, so we must attack before the conservatives are able to regroup. Orders and OUT!" he led the call to battle, and everyone followed on behalf. Many of the soldiers were skeptical of Squall because they knew it was darkness in his soul, but there was no time to question because war was in full spring.
From the top of the battle, General Strife and Vice-General Auron surveyed the effects of battle. Dick Cheyney was using Halliburton to manufacture weapons and vehicles, but they were all made of crap so it was uneffective, except for one. Out of his cornereye Cloud noticed a rumbling, thundering noise. Was it nukes? No, it was the Straight Talk Express!
"Hahaha, will you be able to defeat my Straight Talk Train!" John McCain condustred from the engine as he began driving through ranks of warriors and cactars, breaking lines and causing colllatoeral damages. Mages tried casting spells on the death vehicle, but there was little use and it was causing serious issues to the faction.
"Looks like a job for the General."Strife dutycalled as he sped off toward the express." This wouldn't be easy to deafeat, but if the president could do it then why not? Only war would tell the answers, but not the ones you heer in the debates. The truth.
At the summoner's flank, Yuna had taken control of the battle. Summoners and Black mages were casting spells and summoning things left and right to attack the teabaggers (AN: my brother explained this to me, it's funny but not for younger so let's keep it clean, republicans like it dirty ask Larry Craig!) Unfortunately thanks to second amendments the teabags had lots of weapons and were heavily armed. They also had a few tricks up their pockets.
"TAKE THIS!" Mike Huckabee cast huckaboom, punching a large hole in the defense of the summonders. Yuna was distracted thinking about her lost lover Tidus who was eaten up in the same death and destruction as this war, but was able to use her skills to get out of the blast in time. Mike Huckabee began charging up to cast his spell a second time, but Yuna summoned an aeon just in time to end his chances at election, and his body.
"Not this time!" the governor splurted dead words, because he was dropped from the sky by Yuna's eon rught under the straighttalk express (to crushing effects). There was a moment of silence in repiuclican terriroty, but not long because they didn't have much souls and were too busy causing war to care about their friends.
"You may have defeated one governor, but what about me?" Masshole (haha) Governor Mitt Mitt Romney began casting high powered mormon magic (AN: Don't worry I looked it up, it's not offensive, phew) inot the ranks. Four summoners and 8 mages were finished on the spot, but this was not the end. Lulu from FFX countered the magic with thunderaga, dealing some HP to Romney but not enough.
"It seems like there's there's a duel on our hands, and this one isn't the primaries" Mitt noted. Lulu agreed, and recharged he magic just as Romeny casted more. It was a battle, but was it enough?
Away from the battle, it was all too much for Yuna. She had taken a few minute war-break to get her head into order. How could she fight in war if she wasn't evern sure what she belived in? Did Tidus make the right choice for sacrifice, or was it not enough? Would she ever be able to find herself where the second nest flies?
Her thoughts were cut off when she heard a "Heh heh heh" the voice austrianed. Yuna turned on a swivel, and what in the world! It was Arnorld Scwarzenneger in his terminator suit! Yuna was helpless because she forgot her summoning rod on the frontline, and the governor was aprroaching closer.
"Hahaha, you will be terminizzled" the robovoice governatored in embarrasing lingo. He was about to take aim with his assault rifle that the republigov had recently made legal, but just as he was about to fire his arm was dismantled by a massive-shit sword. Was it Tidus? No, it was vice-General Auron, but even though he wasnt the long-lost lover Auron was powerful and a badass so it was still a lucky break considering the situation.
"Lady Yuna, you must find safety" Auron talked for the first time as she sliced off another of the governators arm and half of a leg. Unfortunately, he was the kind of terminator who could grow back his body, so it was no problem in a cinch. This proved tough for auron to handle, so he did a chopdropp 786, causing more damage to the futurebot. Schwarzenger countered with a kickgrab 280, flying Auron back ten feet but reovered and countered with a slice into Terminator's mainframe. The governor was defeated, but at a price.
"You forgot about my self-detruct" lastworded as the governor turned into the lava from the second terminator movie. Auron had defeated the governator, but his body was being melted to the bone.
"AURON!" Tuna rushed to use healing spells as Auron melted away, but it was uneffective.
"Yuna, it is okay, I am already dead" the vice-general reminded her of plotpoints from Final Fantasy X (sorry to spoil the game, but it's important for understandings). "Now that I must pass onto the lifestream, you must become the new vice-General. Remember that you once said, even though war is not always the option, sometimes it must be done for people. Good luck my daughter, and never forget." Auron finally disappeared into spirit life, leaving Yuna alone once again. First Tidus. Now Auron.
The price of war was friends.
And love.
Back at the lines, Cloud was having some major problems with the straight talk express. He had backhacked and snuck onto the train, but when he got to the fuelcar it turned out that the train didnt run on coal, it ran on lies!
"You have learned the secret of my campaign, now you must pay the price!" McCain attacked Cloud using his army training and combat skills. Unfortnately he couldnt raise his heads above his hands, so he was easily disposed by Cloud's buster sword (it sounds like a joke, but it's not!) But when McCain was sliced by the sword, all there was was strings.
"I am the true puppetmaster" shadowbush emerged from the dark. "You have defeated, but what about me?" Cloud watched in horror as the ex-president cast acid rain over the battlefield (AN: Bush is buddy-buy with factory companies which cause acid rain, look it up on the news). This caused massive damage to both sides, but Bush was crazy, so who cares? Even Sarah Palin's hair melted off a little bit, and that's kind of funny!
"This Must End NOW" Cloud launched into action and pulled an overlimit-driver. Time slowed down as he used all his MP HP and Chockra to deal serious blows to shadowbush. When time resumed Bush was defeated but not the train.
"You must remember, if it runs on lies, then what about the truth..." Auron's spirit whispered into Clouds ear right before he finally became one with the lifestream. This made sense to Cloud!
"THE WAR IN IRAQ IS A LIE!" since the train ran on lies, the truth jammed up it's ignition! Cloud jumped out of the train just as it crashed into Scott Brown and ten thousand teabagger bitches. The explosion caused a chain reaction, inflicting causlaities and effectively ending the fourtennth faction.
"We Did It!" Wakka starstruck a pose, but he was annoying a character so Cloud ignored him. The republicans had been defeated, what else must they do before the story could be ended? How many more must be lost?"
Back at the command central, Cloud and Vice-General Yuna were addressing the masses who had been through hell and a handbasket. Yuna was finishing up speech and mass healing, when all of a sudden there was a lone figure that ememerged in the cloud.
"Tidus?" Yuna couldn't believe out loud. IT couldnt be, but was it really?
"Hello Yuna. Surprised to see me?" Tidus sacrasmed. It was really him, but something was different. Suddenly thousands of necrons burst in at the seems! He has been resusrrected as a Necron, holy shit!
"Yes, it is time to begin the battle against my seventh faction, the necrons. And we have a special surprise for you. I give you our newest allies, the twelfth faction!"
Everyone turned around and coulnd't believe their eyes, outside a massive force had been ammased and it was something no one had exprected.
"THE CITIES OF DEATH!" Cloud and Yuna knew that though they had come a long way, the real battle was just to begin. And this would be the one for decisions.
Okay wow, that was about four times more epic than I though it was. I hope you have a better understanding of america now after the politics. Also if you were wondering why Cities of Death are the twelfth faction its because on the website I looked it up and it was the twelfth thing down after Necrons and Tau. Until the conclusion, keep the peace, stay the course, and vote with your heart, not Georgeies wallet.