"You cannot possibly be sad after sex." He said deciding to break the silence after having stared at her for a while. She looked up at him confused as if she had been caught in a situation she hadn't even been aware of herself. Her eyes betrayed her and she looked away.
"There's a rule about it. Everyone knows it. Sex is good, sex makes you feel better, and sex unleashes endorphins in your body and heals the pain with pleasure. It ensures you a flood of bliss…for a little while at least." But her pain wasn't physical, it was emotional. Their reunion, as intense and enjoyable as it has been, making her forget for an hour and a half the recent events, was starting to awaken some old feelings and reactions she could never really get rid of. During the past few years, she had been able to go easier on herself; letting go of her guilt, letting go of the past and trying to live in the present to appreciate more what life had given her. Being over 45, the part of her that tried to remain hopeful, holding on to her dreams had almost vanished. But, if the last decade was any indication, sometimes there could be good surprises in life after the darkest times.
She hesitated, not quite sure how to explain to him something she had a hard time figuring out herself. She was also aware that she had to pick her words wisely so that he wouldn't take it the wrong way. "House…I have a lot on my mind. So much has happened lately."
"You're feeling guilty. Guilty that you've jumped back into bed with me so soon after…" She stopped him, covering his mouth. He was right and she didn't want to hear more.
"Stop! Not now, not today, not after all this time. You have no idea how difficult this is for me." Cuddy was nostalgic, regretful and the last thing she wanted to do was explain to House how her world had just been turned upside down once more, 10 years later, and how much it hurt, again, in the same way but for so many different reasons. Her tone was calm yet decisive. House brushed it off as her being overly dramatic, blaming her ever so restrained persona. He wished she could be looser and not question every little detail because he knew all too well how impotent and damaging it could be. He had lost count of the many lost occasions on his side due to his fears and inactions. But Cuddy was more of a go-getter in a way. From the moment he'd met her, she was a fighter. She fought to get into advance courses in college. She fought for PPTH to turn it into an exemplary hospital during the 15 years she devoted to it. She fought to become a mother and for her kids to be and have the best. She fought for her life and the people who mattered to her, and she fought for House countless of times. But sometimes she would give up, and at this moment, after their coming together, he could feel her slip away. The beauty of what had just occurred would be broken and forgotten if he didn't try to stop her. He had to do this wisely. She was obviously scared and in doubt.
"What's the big deal? It's not like we've never done it before. Don't freak out. We're still mind blowing together." She laughed, bait taken!
"We never had any problems in that area." Cuddy laid her head back on his chest, her smile slowly fading away. He started to stroke her arm, which was resting on his stomach, before entwining his fingers with hers. The atmosphere was serious. He was hesitant. But he needed to know. They hadn't been this close to one another in so long and he was unsure he could read her right. What was going on in that mind of hers? Should he continue with a joke or work up the courage to get to the meat of the scene. They were currently in limbo, stuck between the amazement from finally reuniting physically and the unknown of what was coming next.
"We've always been pretty darn good at this. Whether we were horny youngsters or a middle aged, experienced and daring couple, it's always been like second nature to us. Especially if you consider we had to wait over 20 years to re-enact that wild night in Michigan. Today we cut the waiting game in half. So do you want to go at it again or should I assume next time won't come around for another five years?" Cuddy had been listening to him but was now giving him an interrogative look. "I'm only following the logic of our pattern here."
"House, what are you asking of me exactly? I've been barely functioning on my own ever since it happened. And I'm not even talking about the two people who I am responsible for. Do you know what it's like to have something good, something great, and something beyond expectations for years and lose it? To start over and have to learn to live again without it when it was what brought you back to life in the first place?"
"Yeah, I do. You were that someone. I'm still on survival mode. I've only managed to taste happiness for the time it takes to lick a spoonful of honey in my life. I've never been the winner." Cuddy understood because she could relate. She could count on one hand the real pieces of happiness she's ever felt: making her father proud, sometimes her work, her kids, the beginning of her relationship with House, and the life she's had recently, which she was nowhere near ready to move on from. She agonized over the fact that she now had to go back to being on her own. It was terrible and frightening to start the grieving process and she didn't know if she was up for it.
"I know. But for me now, things are going to change back to what they were all those years ago. I need to be strong on my own, again, deal with everything alone, again, with nobody else to share it with, no comfort; I'm exhausted in advance just thinking about it." At this moment, House felt a connection to her that had been long gone. They were back on the same level of misery they were when he kissed her when she lost Joy, or when he hallucinated jumping on her after she saved him, and of course, when they eventually took a leap of faith and she welcomed him into her life, took his hand and accepted his kisses and lovemaking as well as the broken man he was, to begin something they were scared of but was unavoidable. He couldn't let this go because in times like these, they were able to meet each other half way and make a step in their relationship. He wanted more. He wanted her back. He had to seize his chance. It took him long enough to realize his life wasn't right with her not in it. He had been waiting too long, and she was gone, done, and not his anymore.
"Well, you're not alone now it seems." Cuddy quickly sat up and her face displayed a mixture of emotions he suddenly felt he didn't want to decipher because it probably wasn't going to be good for him. She had a rush of things she wanted to say, but after a little while, she instead decided to get out of the bed, gather her clothes, and get dressed. Was she angry, hurt, sad or else? House couldn't fathom. He was panicking. She couldn't leave, not now, not like this. They had to get to the bottom of things before reaching the point of no return. He didn't know if he would ever have such an opportunity again. Getting her to talk to him, come see him, sleep with him, had been almost as hard of a task as enduring the pain of detoxing. "Cuddy, wait! Where are you going? What's wrong?"
"I'm not buying it House. Whatever it is you wanted; you got it now. It's time for me to go and take care of myself. You think you can come back into my life, bed me, and that I will trust you again?" She was outraged. Her blood was boiling. "You can't possibly believe I will fall for it again. Even if I were inclined to be with you again, you're never going to be with me fully yourself. You will try and then hurt us, hurt them. You were never there for them and I have to take care of them alone now after they had a family, a home and more than I've ever thought possible." She started to feel the tears build up in her eyes.
"It doesn't have to be that way. You chose for it to be that way to keep things under control. But you're kidding yourself Cuddy. They're doing fine. They're sad but it's expected. You're the one who's falling apart out of self-pity and because you've lost somebody who never really meant that much to you anyway." Being nice was never a lengthy venture for House. His kindness was only going to last for so long. He couldn't help himself from poking her with the truth to make her face her own shortcomings. Cuddy was now crying at full length and madder than ever. He didn't get it.
She raised her voice. "Don't you understand? I was close to happy for longer than I've ever dreamed of. I am never going to have that ever again. After you destroyed my life, he brought me back to life and he made me whole again. It took so long for me to be able to trust again, regain self-confidence and self-respect, my optimism, my willingness to make something out of my life. He helped me heal beyond belief."
House was staring at her in disbelief, or was it jealousy? He knew she was serious and he now had to accept the fact that this man, who had snatched his Cuddy away from him without even realizing it, meant more to Cuddy than House ever acknowledged. "I know that you see it just like when I broke of my engagement, but it's the exact opposite. He meant so much to me. I love him and now he's dead and I feel like I've been living high for the past few years and now I have to live in reality again. I just don't know how to do this. I've forgotten. I'm back to the crash."
House kept staring at her. What more could he add to this? Just a little moment ago, he thought he had gotten Cuddy back. But now he was realizing that his efforts from the past weeks had paid off but not in the way he expected. Cuddy had caved and given into whatever has always been between them, but for the wrong reasons. She was hurting; she felt lonely and terrified of what the future might hold for her. The thought of it was so depressing for her that she wanted to fall into oblivion and just take a break for a little while. House had been a breath of fresh air; the rush of oxygen she needed right this moment, but she knew how ephemeral the Housian rush could be. It was a temporary relief and now she was back to misery. She couldn't deal with him for now. She had to put her shell back on and get out, and go back to being the rock that the most important people in her life needed her to be.
"Cuddy, I'm not afraid of a dead guy. You can protest all you want but we both know nothing is ever going to be over between us. I've accepted this a while ago and it's about time you did too." Cuddy looked absent, taken back to thirty years ago to her college days and how a simple meeting had inexorably changed her life forever; then thinking about the two of them in Princeton which felt like memories from somebody else's life; and eventually reflecting upon the few encounters they have had since she had left her life in New Jersey. He was right, once again, always and forever. No matter what had happened in the past, there seemed to be some kind of force that would always draw them back into each other's radar. Call it coincidence or fate, they just could not escape it and it surely had made it impossible for either one of them to sever their paths to truly move on.
"I know what you're trying to do. I've already admitted that after Rachel got better. But to quote the master himself, "people don't change" and nothing has changed, at least not for us. You and I may have this thing between us, and it may never go away, but we are still who we are. Nothing good could come out of engaging in what you have in mind." House resented this. He really thought; he had hoped that Cuddy would have eventually forgiven him for his misconduct. But it appeared that despite their momentary relapse into familiar patterns, Cuddy was having none of it. She knew too damn well what was in it for her. Not much. And when she had left her hospital, it meant she had no more chances left inside her to give him. But hope dies hard, especially for House. House the man who rarely would grab an opportunity to turn a wish into reality; House the man who would contemplate instead of act; House the man who stayed locked up in his safe places; it had taken this man years to even acknowledge his feelings for Cuddy and a few more to do anything about it. But when he had her, it was like touching grace and then he couldn't live with the loss. When he lost everything, he resigned himself that this was it for him. He had fallen harder than ever. Yet, once he had the good fortune of seeing her again, take notice of how much her life without him had evolved, he couldn't help but want to be a part of this, a part of her despite himself. He wanted; he needed to taste this new life with her. For Cuddy, it felt like she had been waiting for years and that a light was finally in sight. She had freed herself from him; she knew they were over and she needed to start over. Little did she know that she would be left with a reminder of this man who remained the most incredible man she had ever known; a reminder for life that would stare and smile or cry at her every day for the rest of her life. What was about to happen? She didn't know, but what she wanted and what she needed were back to confusing her and leaving her clueless. She had been sailing smoothly for a little while, longer than she'd ever dreamed of and yet not long enough. Now House had made his entrance back into her life and it left her to deal with all too familiar instinct and reflexes she thought she had been able to bury. She hated what she wanted. She didn't know what she needed anymore and the only choice, as usual, was to bail and leave. She was in mourning after all. Yes, for now that would be a good enough excuse. "I've got to go." She was now dressed and ready. For what, she didn't know, but she couldn't stay and find out with him. She reached for the door handle, turned it and paused. She turned to glance at him and opened her mouth taking air in as if she was about to speak. House waited for her to finish. She didn't know what to tell him. She looked down and left.