Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.

Chapter 1: A Stupid Idea

"You're serious?" England asked with a deadpan tone and doubtful expression on his face.

"Oui! Perfecty serious."

"A beauty contest." England had to make sure he was hearing this right.

"Si, pretty much." Spain confirmed.

"With nations."

"Ja! Ja! Mein Gott, is it really that hard to comprehend?" Prussia said with exasperation.

"Yes, as a matter of fact! It is! It really is!" England shouted. "When I want to hear ridiculous schemes, I go to America, not you three! Why are you in my house anyway?"

Inside England's study, the three trouble makers of Europe who had traditionally made his life difficult were now crowded around his desk. How they had gotten in was a mystery. England was sure he had locked the door. He could only hope they had not broken any windows to get him to hear their idiotic scheme.

"Because we need you to propose it at the next World Meeting!" France said.

"And you three cannot do it yourselves because…?" England let the sentence hang inviting what he hoped would be some sort of reasonable explanation.

"Ah," France had the decency to look embarrassed as he scratched the back of his head. "Well, I'm still on probation after that incident with the chipmunks. They won't let me say anything for another week."

England rolled his eyes. "What about you?" he asked Spain. Spain laughed sheepishly.

"Actually, since the last time I proposed something ended up with Russia washing himself with tomato juice for a week, he told me if I ever suggested something during a meeting again, he'd stick his pipe where the sun doesn't shine."

England actually remembered that. Sighing, he turned to Prussia. The red eyed man was just about to speak when England held his hand up to cut him off.

"No. You know what? I don't want to know what you did. I really don't." Rubbing his temples, England wondered why he thought today would be a normal day.

"All right, now just why exactly do you want to hold a beauty contest?"

"To decide which of our lovely lady friends is most lovely in the eyes of the world of course!"

"What lady friends?"

Three voices responded at the same time. All with completely different names.

"Monaco."

"Belgium."

"Hungary."

That last one made England's eyebrows go up.

"Since when in the hell were you friends with Hungary?" he asked Prussia.

"Oh, don't get me wrong." Prussia waved off the question. "She's still a witch with a capital B half the time. But attitude aside, I can't deny she isn't easy on the eyes!"

"Not as much as my little Monaco though!" said France.

"And that's why we thought up a beauty pageant!" Spain exclaimed excitedly. "Not only to settle this three way battle, but to decide among all the fairer nations which of them is queen."

England opened his mouth but the next voice to speak was not his.

"I think it's a great idea!"

The heads of the four male nations all turned to the door, which was now wide open. An eager Seychelles burst into the room. Her hair and loose dress flew behind her as she sped over to England's desk.

"Can anyone just come in here now?" England threw up his arms in frustration.

"England, you have to propose it! You have too!" Seychelles leaned over the desk to stare at England up close. "This is my chance to show myself to the world and finally get people to notice me!"

"You actually want to participate in this madness?" England gave the small nation a baffled look.

"What, you don't think I'm pretty enough?" Seychelles asked angrily.

England had been alive enough centuries to know not to answer that. France, however, had been alive long enough to know when to seize an opportunity.

"Come now, England!" he said while putting his arm around Seychelles. "You wouldn't be so cruel as to ruin this child's chance at international recognition!"

"Yeah, England!" Spain picked up the hint. "Don't be such a killjoy!"

In the face of overwhelming pressure, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland could only do one thing.

England was not sure how Prussia had got Germany to make a joint proposal with him. The western half of the nation looked about as enthusiastic as England did. Nevertheless, as England demanded, at the next World Meeting, the two sane nations grudgingly proposed the stupid pageant. The overwhelming majority of the world approved it, proving once again that the rest of humanity was insane.

England was surprised by the show of support by the female nations. Seychelles must not be the only one eager to exploit the free publicity. In the three and a half hours they had met so far, many had already declared their intention to sign up. Already England could hear whispers of a betting pool going on over who was most likely to win. The fact that he could hear anything at all was amazing actually, considering the racket at the World Meeting had only gotten louder as everyone tried to chip in ideas.

"Swimsuits!" More than one nation shouted.

"Concert! Live concert!" more musically inclined ones demanded.

"Racing!"

"Dancing!"

"Swimming!"

"Cooking!"

"Starcraft!"

"Shut up, Korea!"

By the end of it all, England had a Blitz level headache. At least they had settled on a date and list of events. At least he thought they had, England had long since lost track of what was going on. Right now the only thing on his mind was the fact that he would kiss anyone who would offer him a bottle of aspirin.

"Enough!" Germany bellowed when the din had gotten completely out of control. Everyone finally shut up. Satisfied, or as satisfied as he could be, Germany continued. "We have all but the final details settled on. Before we go ahead with the organizing effort, is there any more suggestions or questions?"

Almost every single hand went up.

"Oh, bloody hell." England muttered under his breath before looking back at his audience. "Before anyone asks: No, we will not be reconsidering putting mud wrestling on the event list."

Approximately half the hands went down.

"The same goes for wet t-shirt contests." Germany added.

All but one hand went down.

"And blindfolded watermelon smashing."

Japan's hand went down.

"Surrounded by fools." Germany muttered. "If that's all then, we shall begin with the selection of judges right after lunch. Anyone who wishes to volunteer should speak to us in private." He finished by standing up and shouting for all to hear, "This meeting is now in recess!"

"So what do you make of all this?" America's brother asked as he pulled up in a chair beside him, his hands carrying a tray of food from the Meeting Hall cafeteria.

"Wgelf, I gunow," America started to say before realizing his mouth was still filled with hamburger. Rapidly chewing and taking a gulp from the sports drink to wash it all down, the southern brother was silent for a few seconds while he finished swallowing.

"Well," he repeated before continuing, "I know I'm signing up to judge! Can you imagine the ratings this will bring in? It's like American Idol and Miss America combined into one! I guarantee you at least 80 million viewers one the first night alone!"

"What a coincidence. I was estimating a large viewer turnout as well."

"Yeah, me too! Beauty pageants originated in Korea, you know!"

The North American brothers looked up from their conversation to see Japan and South Korea taking the seats across from them. Both had trays of food with them, not unusual since it was lunch time after all. What was unusual was that both of them were also carrying a small stack of magazines as well. From America's vantage point the magazines were upside down. Turning his head and squinting, the western nation could make out the front covers had pretty women on them and, if his admittedly not so great Japanese and Korean readings were not failing him, blurbs for beauty tips and fashion designs.

"What are those for?" America asked, pointing at the magazines.

"These are our study guides." Japan explained. "Using our beauty expertise we'll win the pageant for sure."

America and Canada exchanged worried glances.

"Uh, you do know the pageant is for girls only, right?" Canada said.

"Oh, God. You guys aren't going to dress up in drag, are you?" America had a horrified expression on his face.

"No!" Korea shouted. "Were sponsoring one of the contestants! With the whole world watching this is a prefect chance to show off all our advancements in fashion and entertainment. Regardless of which girl wins, if she's wearing our stuff and using our styles then everyone will totally dig us! We'll be the beauty capital of the world!"

"Sponsor? You can do that?" Canada said with surprise.

"There is no rule that says you cannot." Japan said. "And the Europeans are already doing it so the girls of their choice can win."

Sure enough, when America and Canada looked around the cafeteria, they saw evidence of just that taking place. France was talking animatedly with Monaco. At another table Spain was sweet talking Belgium. Over in a corner Prussia was whispering fiercely with a not so happy Hungary and Austria. And that was just the nations closest to them.

"Wow, what cheaters." America said while taking another bite from his burger. "Whole thing was their idea and they're already trying to fix it in their favor. So what, are you dressing up China in drag then?"

"Ew. That just sounds wrong." Korea made a face of distaste. "No. We're gonna be Taiwan's managers! With the combined power of the Japanese-Korean style we shall stand as number one!"

Taking another drink, America recalled one of the times Japan had taken him down one of his major shopping districts in Tokyo. He suddenly started laughing so hard he had to put his drink down or risk choking.

"Oh, God," he snickered, "I hope the judges like the whole gothic doll look, 'cause if your fashion sense is as bad as I remember it, Taiwan is in for it."

"There is nothing wrong with the Gothic Lolita style!" Japan said huffily. "And that is far from the only fashion I have. Not to mention I excel at singing and physical activities!"

"And nobody beats Korea when it comes to dancing and cooking!" Korea said defensively.

"Yeah, whatever." America continued laughing. "Oh, man, between you two and whatever the others have cooked up, this is going to be hilarious."

"You think you can do better?" Korea said loudly.

America stopped laughing, but could not keep the giant smirk off his face. "Of course I can. Anything you can do I can do better. And that includes beauty contests."

"Care to bet on that?" There was a dangerous glint in Korea's eyes now. "I'll wager a year's supply of kimchi burgers that our girl comes out on top over yours!"

Benjamin Franklin had once said there were two constants in life; Death and Taxes. A couple centuries or so later, Einstein had offered a similar set of absolutes; the Universe and Human Stupidity. Both lists had missed something. There was a fifth undeniable truth: Americans will never say no to free food. There was absolutely no way in the universe America would turn down free food. It was written in his genes so that he could not say no. Coupled with the fact that America was just naturally competitive led to the obvious.

"You are so on!" America leaped from the table. "Me and my girl are going to smoke you!"

America grabbed Canada's shoulder and gave him a firm shake. "Dude, bro. You be judge instead of me! I'm going to get my girl all ready!"

In the blink of an eye, the world's superpower was gone. Canada was rather startled that his brother had just given him an unexpected job. Japan just shook his head all the nonsense. Korea was looking rather pleased with himself until he noticed Canada.

"Hey, who are you?"

Meanwhile, unable to contain his ideas, America was going down the hall talking to himself and practically running in no particular direction.

"My girl will have the best dress. Tailored in New York! And she'll get Special Forces training to be in top notch shape! If my girl gets American style cooking down, she's be able to make dishes from around the world!"

This went on for a while. Then, several minutes later, in the midst of all his planning, common sense finally kicked in. A single, self-evident truth hit him.

"Wait, shit! I don't have a girl!"

Five minutes of fruitless pacing and worrying later, America was finally able to think rationally.

"Okay, let's get this straightened out." He said to himself. "Fact: I don't have contestant to sponsor. Fact: I need a contestant to sponsor. So my mission to it get a contestant to sponsor! Gah, this is stupid!"

America went back to pacing. He racked his brain for all the female nations he knew. There was a depressing lack of names popping up. Why was it that when you really needed to remember something you just could not recall what it was. Maybe if he just went in order of all the nations he knew best.

Starting at World War Two, America went down the list. England, France and Canada were not girls. Neither was Germany or Russia. As much as he liked to make fun of China's appearance America knew he was a guy. Japan was a dude. Italy? While he would not exactly call either of them men, they certainly weren't female. World War Two was not helping.

What next? The Korean War? Korea was male. So was the other Korea. No good.

After that was the…

"Oh, this will be awkward."

Back in the cafeteria a lone Southeast Asian nation was sitting at an empty table, not bothering anyone and keeping quietly to herself. With long dark hair and a statuesque figure, she was undoubtedly attractive. It was no small wonder that at least three great powers had fought for her. At this moment however, she was left to her own devices and had chosen to simply be by herself and have a nice cup of tea.

America yanked out the chair next to her and dropped down on it so suddenly she practically leaped out of her skin and almost spilt her drink on the floor.

"Hi, Vietnam!" he said with a broad smile. "How you been?"

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